I landed back in the hospital

This week has thrown me for a loop, big time. Between Saturday AM and Wednesday AM, I was in the hospital for mental health reasons, on a psychiatric unit. I don’t believe I ever thought I’d be back there; in fact, it was my biggest fear. Scarier than heights, the tallest roller-coasters, the dark, spiders, sharks, germs, etc. etc. (I’m actually not afraid of any of those things.)

Just to summarize my history briefly, when I was a senior in high school, I suffered a psychotic break and subsequent major depressive episode (lasting 4 months, and then on and off throughout college). I was on a mixture of different drugs for about 6 years, and I weened myself off all of them after a certain point. I’d been med-free for roughly 10 years, and pretty proud of that fact.

I’ve written about mental health before…
Here: Depression and taking testosterone
Here: That specific trauma is still there
And here: Continuing to work through a specific trauma
…and also scattered throughout many blog entries.

Although this blog is mainly about taking a low dose of T and working as a janitor, it is undeniably also about mental health and self-care. I slipped up pretty big in the self-care department, slowly and gradually at first, and then fast and unstoppably. I went through a full blown manic episode / psychotic break. A lot of it was so fun it’s kinda indescribable. In fact, I can definitely tell I still haven’t come down completely yet – I’m registering a heightened sensitivity to bodily sensations, both pleasant and annoying, I feel keyed up / antsy, I need to be in control of the stimulation levels or else I feel overwhelmed within seconds, smells and tastes are waaaaay off (not constantly, but sporadically), colors and patterns are popping out, my thinking is still relatively disorganized…

But I’m sleeping well and eating well and engaging in a lot of different things and spending 24/7 with my partner for a few days, and that’s what’s important right now. I was prescribed ziprasidone, which is an atypical antipsychotic approved by the FDA in 2001. Am I happy about it? No. Do I think I’ll be on it indefinitely? A strong NO! But I can accept it for right now.

I’m sure I’ll return to some of what I went through, in an attempt to process things and just share where I’m at (it does feel like it’ll be an arduous rehabilitation process, and I’ll be out of work for roughly 2 weeks). For now though, I want to just write about a strange parallel. It might not mean anything if you haven’t seen Breaking Bad, but I’ll give it a whirl anyway (and there are no real spoilers in what is to follow):

Leading up to what I went through, my partner and I were watching a lot of Breaking Bad.  Not really binge watching it, but watching an episode almost every night. Now we are not. Haha. We only have 4 or 5 episodes left, but we’re putting the show on pause. I suggested we start watching Malcolm in the Middle instead, largely because Bryan Cranston plays the dad in both shows (and I used to watch it as a teenager and thought it would be fun. It is fun). But – we just watched the 5th episode, and the family is getting their house tented and fumigated.  They are in a camper trailer on their front lawn in the meantime. And the parents, at the tail end of the episode, put on gas masks in order to enter the house and get some alone time. I was flipping out. (I mean, my partner was too, but I was shouting and swearing and pacing and called it a night, basically). Haha. I’ll probably be in bed by 9pm.


breaking bad

30 Comments on “I landed back in the hospital”

  1. I’m sure you have your own support network, but I’ve been there before. If there’s anything I can do, feel free to let me know. I was wondering where you’d been. Looking forward to hearing more from you.


    • janitorqueer says:

      Thank you! I do have a really good support network – partner, therapist, parents, a couple close friends, neighbors who brought soup and cookies over even! Thank you for reaching out.


  2. HartK says:

    Best of wishes for you. And sometimes it’s just best to call it a day and go to bed.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The Little Butch That Could (TLBTC) says:

    Take care, hope it helps to know you have support far and wide. Peace.


  4. I had noticed your blog had gone a little quiet. I’m glad to hear you’re back and recovering.

    Hang in there!


  5. Jamie Ray says:

    Thank you for writing so openly about your mental health issues (and your previous posts about when you were hospitalized). I feel pressure to show I have it all together, and it is helpful to know how many other people struggle with control/impulse issues (and in my case paralyzing anxiety).
    Glad you are home with your partner – and getting appropriate help that hopefully will really help and respect you for who you are.

    Liked by 2 people

    • janitorqueer says:

      Thanks! While in the hopsital, they were nothing but respectful of my trans-status, and they were even moderately good at pronouns (meaning some people were excellent with it, others had not gotten the memo, or were poor with it). It helped a ton that this was the case, for me. Maybe hospital staff are starting to get some trainings or get educated one way or another. Pretty great!


  6. I too appreciate your candor. I am glad you were able to get the help you need and that you are able to recoup at home now with your partner. I have avoided hospitalization not because I didn’t need it at a point in my life but simply because the lifestyle I was living – it wasn’t part of the reality. And like Jamie Ray I too have pretty debilitating anxiety that I continually try to manage. You are not alone!


  7. *hug* Hope that you can be kind to yourself these next few days.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Kris says:

    I’m adding my online support and wishes too your other followers. My partner having major depression and GAD, I have an idea of where you are and have been on a mental plane. Best wishes to you and your partner, JQ. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sending good vibes.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Dexxy says:

    Love the parallels, hope you are ok


  11. Nour S says:

    Best of wishes, and lots of thoughts and prayers go to you ..

    Liked by 1 person

  12. rimonim says:

    So sorry to hear about this & glad you are now recovering at home with your partner. I hppe you have all that you need. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.


  13. Tea With Ess says:

    Thank you for sharing, hope you get better soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Olly says:

    Hey – thanks for talking about this. Be kind to yourself and you have all my good wishes x

    Liked by 1 person

  15. (((hugs))) I’m glad you’re back.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Lesboi says:

    Thanks for sharing this with us. I’m glad to hear you’re doing better. Take good care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Hey I’m sorry you ended up in the hospital, but glad you’re back home & recovering. Sending glitter & warmth your way! ❤


  18. micah says:

    Adding to the well wishes. I had a close family member go through something similar. Though at the time it was very scary, we all came out of the experience for the better. Thanks for sharing. Know that you have our support, and give your partner some hugs from us too.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s