2.25 years on T without noticeable masculinizing changesPosted: June 18, 2015
This post is going to be a little bit of a bummer. If you want to read more uplifting posts in the series, here are a couple:
I guess I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing with testosterone. I consider stopping it. I consider just remaining on the same dose. I consider doubling my dose. All these options seem like good ideas, and I can’t really forsee what’s next.
If I stopped taking testosterone: At this point, I’ve gotten used to all the good things I’ve felt from testosterone. And I’m partially convinced the effects have worn off. But that is probably the depression talking – I have been through a lot in the last 6 months, and testosterone couldn’t save me from depression and anxiety. Which makes me wonder what effect it is having. A part of me wants to discontinue it just to be reminded why I am on it. I’ve felt this way about psychotropic drugs in the past – what are they actually doing for me? I feel relatively sure I’ll remember pretty quickly that testosterone is good – a part of me feels like I need that reassurance. Also, I’m starting to notice I’m losing some hair at my temples, so a knee-jerk reaction is to stop before I lose more hair. I’m on such a low dose that I believe this change will plateau out like other changes have plateaued out, but I gotta admit it’s freaking me out.
If I stayed on the same dose: This is working for me, so why not stay with the status quo? Everyone (my doctor, my therapist) is telling me that because I’ve had so much instability and med changes, I should stay on the same dose for continuity – don’t mess with one more thing, physiologically and psychologically. Makes sense.
If I doubled my dose: I have been wanting to do this. I am curious to see. It’d be nice to see some more changes happening. I’d like to see my voice get a little deeper. I’d like to see myself gain a little more muscle mass. I want to be seen as male by strangers more than I currently am. I want to see if it’ll make me feel even more warm and fuzzy and at peace, internally. Just, I want something new! (I’m afraid of more facial hair and a receding hairline though).
It just feels like I’m at an impasse. Of course you don’t get to pick and choose what changes happen. But, I do feel like I can control the rate, which is nice. If I had to make a plan of action, I’d say I’ll be staying on the same dose for a while (a few months), during which time I’ll be aiming to get myself off of some of these medications and continue to stabilize (hopefully). Then I’ll double my dose, at least for a little while, and I’ll obsessively be checking my hairline…
Lastly, for now, a couple of comparison photos: