2.5 years on T without noticeable masculinizing changes

It’s strange to stick to this same title, “without noticeable masculinizing changes,” because lately, I have started to aim for masculinizing changes.  But it still fits because nothing of note has changed yet.  About 6 weeks ago, I doubled my dose.  I’d like to see my face change shape, and I’d like my voice to drop.  Ultimately, I’d like for strangers to gender me as “male,” as the default, instead of “female.”  At least more than half of the time.  As of now it’s maybe 10% of the time.  We’ll see.  So far all I’ve noticed is more acne…  Oh, also some beginnings of a “happy trail,” which I’ve always hoped to have!

So I’ve jumped from 1 pump of 1.62% to 2 pumps.  I might even go up to 3 pumps just to see.  Alternately, I might stop all together, just to see.  I have my whole life to be on testosterone or not be on testosterone, and now that I’m finally starting to feel more mentally stable again, I’m just kind of really curious.

Here are some other posts from this series, to fill in more information:

2.25 years on T
1.5 years on T
1 year on T
5 months on T

As of now, I feel more sure about other transitional steps than I ever have before.  I just can’t seem to get there yet.  I feel sure about legally changing my name and about top surgery.  And I can imagine some first steps.  I just can’t wrap my head around implementing them.  A part of me feels like this attitude is a hold-over from feeling so unstable for so long.  Not a good time to pursue permanent changes.  Just wait for more forward momentum to kick in naturally.  A part of me wonders if I should just push myself to get the ball rolling, and positive feelings about it will follow.  Right now, I just feel scared.  And I guess I’ll sit with that.  I don’t think it will last forever.  I reached a tipping point with testosterone.  (That one, in my mind, felt comparatively easy, I guess!)  There’s no reason I won’t reach that point with other changes.  I don’t want to force it.

The newest change is that my mom told extended family about my new name (super grateful to her), and people (almost everyone) were using it at a recent family gathering.  This felt really validating and also alarming(?) I guess would be the word?  I have to say that I’m still alarmed by my new name.  It still feels like, “is that me?”  I definitely still feel like I have to change it, and if I were to go by a new name, that would be it.  There is no better name.  But I guess ultimately I feel like, why couldn’t the name I’m used to just have worked out.  (I’m super slow to warm up to change – if it’s not obvious.)  This tells me that it’s not quite time to pursue legally changing my name.  There will be a time – it’s just not yet.

To conclude, here are some face shots: