Moving forward with the process of getting top surgery
Posted: October 22, 2015 Filed under: top surgery | Tags: androgyny, ftm, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, medical treatment, non-binary, queer, top surgery, trans, transgender, transition 20 CommentsI have two consultations within the next two weeks with surgeons. I can’t believe I made it this far – I didn’t always know I would get top surgery. Even now, I’d say I’m about 99% certain, but I’m still hesitant to talk about it or write about it. I’ve never written about it here other than just quick, vague mentions.
There were some hang-ups I had to work to get past (and I’m still working through) in order to allow myself to feel like I can do this:
It is a want, not a need. I don’t need this – I’d say it’s been a persistent nagging feeling for years and years and years, but never an intolerable feeling of disgust or revulsion. If my chest is not a source of gender dysphoria in a way I can’t live with, can I still get top surgery? Yeah, why not? It will definitely improve my quality of life. Throughout adulthood, I have fantasized about wearing t-shirts or tank tops in the summer, without a binder. I avoid binders when I can, which leads me to another hang-up…
My chest is small. My chest is so small that it seems like I could just live with it how it is. Can’t I just live with it? It’s not cumbersome; I don’t have to do much to hide what I have. In the winter, it’s not much of a problem. I can just layer and I don’t have to bind. In the summer, I think about it all too much. Sometimes I bind; other times I just attempt to layer and be hot.
Ultimately, my chest doesn’t look how I think it should look, and if I have the means to change that, I don’t see why I shouldn’t. Urgency (and my lack thereof) plays a role in whether I think I get to do this, but I can get over that. I think. I have a lot of shirts I’d like to wear, but don’t. Because they don’t look right. I spend a lot of time thinking about how my body could look different.
For a very long time, I thought I would get top surgery one day, but I had no idea how to make a first step. Which just tells me I probably wasn’t ready yet. It seemed so daunting as to be impossible. Finally, this summer, I was corresponding with a trans-guy I know locally, and he said he got surgery in our city. That blew my mind – I didn’t know there was anyone here.
I started looking at a Facebook group where others had written about their experiences with her, and I could suddenly wrap my head around moving ahead. I called and booked a consultation for a month away. As soon as I did that, more doors opened up. I could suddenly envision traveling, meeting with other surgeons, all the stuff involved in getting top surgery, usually. I did minimal amounts of research (I already know a bunch of surgeons by name – I’m sure I will do more research. It’s going to be a long process) and called Dr. Rumer’s office, about 5 hours away. I’ll be traveling just to meet with her. That seems huge. She waived the consultation fee because I have been to the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference, one of the many places she presents at. That’s pretty cool.
These consultations happen to be only 3 days apart – it’s going to be a busy week, coming up.
janitorqueer 
Congrats Kameron. You know, I’ve felt kind of bad since the convention for telling you I didn’t think you needed surgery. That was BAD of me and I apologize sincerely for it. I think that because I have a hefty chest I’ve often thought that if I just had smaller ones than I could deal with it better. Maybe I’m right that it would be better but that doesn’t mean I’d be happy even then. I’m glad you’re moving forward in making your body make sense to you and wish you tons of happiness and success with everything. Good luck. BTW, Dr. Rumer seems like a pretty cool doctor from what I’ve seen.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I appreciate you bringing that up. I definitely accept your apology. This insecurity is pretty much what I’m talking about – it is kinda true that comparatively, I don’t need surgery. And if my chest were bigger, I probably would have already gotten surgery by now. But I’m here now; and thanks for the warm wishes!
LikeLike
Wow – that’s great news! I wish I had a small chest. I’m a DD, and if I bind for more than about 6 hours at a time the boys get pretty sore. I’d have them taken off tomorrow if I could!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks, and I hope you can get surgery in the foreseeable future!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was impressed by Dr. Rumer at the PTHC also (but I already had surgery with Dr. Weiss and no complaints). I hope the consultation puts you at ease, and makes you feel comfortable with your choices. Trust and vibe are important for me – so you should definitely pay attention to how you feel about her one-on-one.
My favorite part of my consultation was figuring out where the nipples were going to go, and then realizing that I wouldn’t just have a smaller chest, but a male chest.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for the advice – yeah, I figured it would be worth all that driving so I could actually meet her face-to-face…
LikeLike
Great to read that you’re moving forward on this.
Hope all goes well. 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks!
LikeLike
I envy you on the small chest, mainly because of the potentially smaller scarring and for the possibility to get a doughnut surgery. With that said potential bad scarring doesn’t affect my decision to get surgery so I’m not sure if it’s anything to be envious about. We all fight our own battles and we all have different kinds of obstacles!
May you be happy with the choices you make!
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLike
All the best, Kameron!
LikeLike
thanks!
LikeLike
All the best for your consultation 🙂
LikeLike
thanks!
LikeLike
Good luck with the process!
LikeLike
thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like that you recognize the dif between need and want. Thx fer that… I feel the same way about bottom surgery; well more want than need actually, which makes me think, “Don’t do it; buuut; no don’t do it; buuut, no, buuut, no buuut”… Why do I have to be so old and dealing with this… i’ll be fine…
LikeLike
yeah, it makes it more of a decision than a must. but doesn’t mean it can’t happen!
LikeLike
Hey dude, best wishes this week!
LikeLike
Thanks!
LikeLike