1 week till top surgery

One week feels about right – it neither feels like it’s approaching too quickly nor like it cannot come soon enough.  I already have everything that the surgeon’s office needs turned in; my to-do list now consists of things I’m trying to think I want to get done before I won’t be able to do stuff for a while:  cut my hair, cut my spouse’s hair, cut the grass, purchase extra cat litter because I won’t be able to lift that, do laundry, install the air conditioning unit in our bedroom window…  I know my spouse can do a lot of this stuff as it needs to get done, but I guess it feels good to be getting as much out of the way now, while I can.  I do not look forward to not being able to do things.  I’m going to have to accept it.

I’m also thinking about what, specifically, I will miss.  I’m going to take some pictures, but, what’s impossible to capture is how that part of my body feels – both the shape and the sensations.  I’m resigned to the fact that I will most likely lose sensitivity in this area, and I wish I could remember it how it is, somehow…

Last Saturday night, my spouse and I went with friends to see The Man Who Fell to Earth.  Without giving any spoilers, there was a scene in which David Bowie’s character is undergoing surgery while conscious.  Doctors are cutting into his areola with a scalpel, and he is yelling for help.  This was like whoa.  Unexpected.  Hitting a little too close to home.  Not making sense, story arc wise (the story arc was less of an arc and more of a jagged pattern-less wave anyway).

I do this sometimes, but I don't have the close-up face mirror. And I don't tweak my nipples - I cover the whole area with my hands.

David Bowie film still from The Man Who Fell to Earth. // I do this sometimes, but I don’t have that close-up face mirror. And I don’t tweak my nipples – I cover the whole area with my hands.

I don’t really feel anxious or excited, at least not yet.  I’d be into the idea of getting through this without either or those emotions – we’ll see.  It helps to read other accounts of impending surgery thoughts and feelings.  Such as this post:  Last Minute Concerns, from over 5 years ago.  And recountings of the process, such as this post, from yesterday:  It’s Never Too Late.

I only have 3 more days of work.  Then I won’t be back till probably August.  That’ll be weird.  I wonder what my days will look like, once I’m recovered enough.  Will I feel like being creative and getting stuff done, or will I end up just hanging out?  We’ll see – I’m not going to make it be anything in particular.

Other stuff has been going on too.  My spouse and I visited some extended family on my dad’s side last weekend, most of whom she had not yet met.  I sent an email to as many people as I could in advance just mentioning my name change and that I go by male pronouns.  I received only one reply, and my expectations were pretty low.  Surprisingly though, everyone who said my name used my new name, and there were zero slip ups.  It was awesome.  I think this’ll help my dad get on board!  (He is getting there, slowly…   …   very slowly…)

19 Comments on “1 week till top surgery”

  1. Kai says:

    Good luck! I hope it all goes well!


  2. Lesboi says:

    It’s great that you don’t have any anxiety about the surgery. If you do, don’t worry about it. I think most everyone gets nerves prior to surgery. It sounds like you’re mentally prepared and that’s the most important thing you can do for yourself. I did the same thing you’re doing before my surgery by getting all of my projects finished and any heavy jobs completed. It was an eerie feeling to not have any jobs or projects waiting for me but I’m glad I did it. I know you’ll love your new chest and the experience will be awesome for you. Take care and congrats!!!


  3. Huck says:

    My surgery is in one week two and I have similar feelings. If you’d like to chat feel free to message me, best wishes for a healthy recovery! (I am also gonna message you a natural scar creme i plan on using that I heard works very well 🙂


  4. witlessX says:

    I’m very happy for you! and I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. My personal unsolicited advice is to take as much time as possible to heal, pick the later date when they say things like 6 to 8 weeks or 4 to 6… Remember, we generally always feel better than we actually are. One witless fool learned the – almost – hard way!

    Lookin’ forward to a pic of you with a big stupid grin of satisfaction and joy!


  5. saloys says:

    Good luck to you! Very exciting. I hope to have my top surgery this summer. I’m not sure–did your insurance cover your surgery? I know you were going through all the red tape. I’m going through that right now.


    • janitorqueer says:

      Thanks! And good luck to you as well! My insurance isn’t covering it, but the surgeon’s office is putting the claim through anyway, and I can decide if it seems like it’s worth trying to fight. I’m thinking probably not because it seems like such a very very slim chance…


      • saloys says:

        What insurance do you have? I have been denied twice but I’m going to keep appealing until I can’t any more. It’s really sad that they can still deny these procedures for some, but not others who have the same insurance! My policy has an exclusion but some of their policies don’t. It shouldn’t be an exclusion on any policies at this point. Again, good luck and I hope it all goes well!


      • janitorqueer says:

        I have BCBS Blue Point 2 Value – and yeah, same deal: My policy has an exclusion, but some of their policies may not. Keep me up to date – I hope your outcome is positive!


  6. Good luck with everything.


  7. Jamie Ray says:

    Hope everything goes well for you and that you have a safe and speedy recovery. Best thing I can recommend are bendy straws for drinking out of a glass. Hope you have some fun stuff planned for the summer while you are off.


  8. theothersid3 says:

    Stay strong! I’m sure everything will go well. I’d like to chat with you sometime, if you’d like… Do you have a way I can contact you?


    • janitorqueer says:

      thank you! And yeah, I’d love to chat – if you go to my blog and click “ask me something,” that field will go to my personal email address, and we can email back and forth from there…

      Liked by 1 person

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