Moving forward with the process of getting top surgery

Posted: October 22, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: top surgery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

I have two consultations within the next two weeks with surgeons.  I can’t believe I made it this far – I didn’t always know I would get top surgery.  Even now, I’d say I’m about 99% certain, but I’m still hesitant to talk about it or write about it.  I’ve never written about it here other than just quick, vague mentions.

There were some hang-ups I had to work to get past (and I’m still working through) in order to allow myself to feel like I can do this:

It is a want, not a need.  I don’t need this – I’d say it’s been a persistent nagging feeling for years and years and years, but never an intolerable feeling of disgust or revulsion.  If my chest is not a source of gender dysphoria in a way I can’t live with, can I still get top surgery?  Yeah, why not?  It will definitely improve my quality of life.  Throughout adulthood, I have fantasized about wearing t-shirts or tank tops in the summer, without a binder.  I avoid binders when I can, which leads me to another hang-up…

My chest is small.  My chest is so small that it seems like I could just live with it how it is.  Can’t I just live with it?  It’s not cumbersome; I don’t have to do much to hide what I have.  In the winter, it’s not much of a problem.  I can just layer and I don’t have to bind.  In the summer, I think about it all too much.  Sometimes I bind; other times I just attempt to layer and be hot.

Ultimately, my chest doesn’t look how I think it should look, and if I have the means to change that, I don’t see why I shouldn’t.  Urgency (and my lack thereof) plays a role in whether I think I get to do this, but I can get over that.  I think.  I have a lot of shirts I’d like to wear, but don’t.  Because they don’t look right.  I spend a lot of time thinking about how my body could look different.

For a very long time, I thought I would get top surgery one day, but I had no idea how to make a first step.  Which just tells me I probably wasn’t ready yet.  It seemed so daunting as to be impossible.  Finally, this summer, I was corresponding with a trans-guy I know locally, and he said he got surgery in our city.  That blew my mind – I didn’t know there was anyone here.

I started looking at a Facebook group where others had written about their experiences with her, and I could suddenly wrap my head around moving ahead.  I called and booked a consultation for a month away.  As soon as I did that, more doors opened up.  I could suddenly envision traveling, meeting with other surgeons, all the stuff involved in getting top surgery, usually.  I did minimal amounts of research (I already know a bunch of surgeons by name – I’m sure I will do more research.  It’s going to be a long process) and called Dr. Rumer’s office, about 5 hours away.  I’ll be traveling just to meet with her.  That seems huge.  She waived the consultation fee because I have been to the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference, one of the many places she presents at.  That’s pretty cool.

These consultations happen to be only 3 days apart – it’s going to be a busy week, coming up.

How It Is To Be Miss Tobi

Posted: October 16, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

I’ve been corresponding with Linda Coussement, a video artist from the Netherlands.  She reached out because she recently made an awesome short video (3 minutes) about a transgender artist in Berlin.  She thought people who read my blog would enjoy it.  So, here it is, along with further information about Linda and a short interview:

Miss Tobi is a 44 year old anarchist who makes amazing metal sculptures, plays in several performance art groups, and is also a part-time physical therapist.  Check out the video!

Linda:  “My background: Well, my name is Linda Coussement, I’m 36 years old and I’m from the Netherlands.  […] I’ve only recently decided to step out of the business world and follow my (he)art on this epic adventure. I used to work as a business coach but I now plan to make a living through these videos somehow. On the short term I will probably have to get by on donations and funds, on the medium to long term, I plan to have books, events and workshops to sell.

What’s perhaps also good to know is that I’m not just doing this for myself and my own personal growth as a human being. I ultimately wish to inspire as many people as possible. To show that we’re all human beings, no matter what we look like, where we’re from or what we do. We all love and fear. We all have hopes and dreams. And we all sometimes struggle with relationships, money, confidence and loneliness. Personally, I’ve learned that the moment you realise this is the moment you can empathise with another person and because of that build a meaningful relationship. And that’s what I would like to see more of in the world!”

JQ:  How did you get into this project?  What inspired you?

LC:  I’ve spent about 12 years in the business world (amongst other things as a business consultant and startup cofounder) but I’ve always had a keen interest in the more human side of life.  This expressed itself through teaching yoga, doing lots of personal development training courses and coaches and being overall very reflective of myself and life in general.  Though this question popped up in my head a few years ago, it was in May of this year that I realised that it was this human side that I wanted to explore more at this point in my life and I made a spontaneous decision to ask the question ‘how is it to be you?’ to all sorts of people around the world (hence renting out my house and traveling) and document it through blogs and video.

JQ:  Is this video part of a larger series, or does it stand on its own?

LC:  This video is the first of a much larger series. There will be supershort videos on Facebook (where I randomly ask people in the street this question), these 3 minute videos (the next one will be about a banker turned hand made paper maker in the Czech countryside) and ultimately a book, a long documentary and live events. Concerning the video of Miss Tobi, it’s very likely that I’ll also make an 8 minute version that will be sent into several festivals.

JQ:  How did you meet Miss Tobi?  What came first, meeting her, or the idea for the video?

LC:  I was in Berlin to do a 2 month documentary making course so the idea was there first. I met Miss Tobi through her long term boyfriend Michael first as I was looking for ‘typical’ Berlin anarchists and found him through browsing OKCupid of all places.

More information can be found here:  How It Is To Be Miss Tobi: I Don’t Feel Like a Woman, I Don’t Feel Like a Man, I Feel Transgender

Thanks Linda, for reaching out!

Outdated trans programs pt. 3

Posted: October 13, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: coming out | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My partner and I uncovered a video I had gotten while in a support group about 10 years ago – a collection of trans-related TV programs from the late 90s / early 2000s.  We’ve been spacing it out, watching some of it each weekend.

The first weekend, we watched The Discovery Channel’s “Changing Sexes,” from 2002.  It was appalling.
Next we watched an Oprah show about transgender kids, from 2004.  It was surprisingly well done.

Part 3 was a program on A&E from 1998 called, “The Transgender Revolution.”

As soon as we started watching it, my partner said she remembered seeing it in a class at College – that’s pretty cool.  And her reaction was positive, like it had been worthwhile.  And it was – it showcased a few trans-people in respectful and dignified ways.  It was also the most political, by far.  There was a clip of Leslie Feinberg, and there was footage of Riki Wilchins talking about hate crimes and founding Gender PAC.  She talked about going to senators to get policies changed, and going to the APA to get “Gender Identity Disorder” changed.  Brandon Teena was talked about, as well as two more recent cases of the murders of trans-women.

The first portrait focused on Tonye, from Tampa, FL.  He lives on a farm, works as a sheriff, has a wife and 8 year old daughter.  He talks about all the discrimination he has been up against at his job.  He also says his community has been hostile – his farm animals have been killed; other times they have been turned loose.  He started an online group called TOPS – Trans Officers Protect and Serve, in order to get support for people like him.  He had to undergo an internal confidential criminal investigation at his job, which he says is just a pretext for prejudice.  It was left on an uncertain note – we don’t know the outcome of his struggles at work.

Next the program focused on Nancy Nangeroni, an engineer from MA.  She talked a lot about overcompensating and living as a very macho guy, taking a lot of risks.  The turning point for her was when she endured horrible injuries from a motorcycle accident – she realized she could not keep living the way she had been.  One great quote from her:  “I’m not a pre-op or a post-op because that’s not what defines me as a person.”  She founded the IFGE – International Foundation of Gender Education.

The third portrait was really moving because it was done anonymously.  “Terry” never showed his face, and neither did his wife and his mother.  He owns a construction company and lives completely stealth.  He equated being trans to having cancer – it’s something that you live with, and getting treatment is a matter of life and death.  His story focused on him getting metoidioplasty.  It was made clear that he needed this procedure to be legally recognized as male – he was living in fear of being outed because his documents all had an “F” on them.

The program wrapped up by discussing the extremes of gender in the society we live in.  Toys, etc.  “In time, the movement may leave America forever changed.”  A nice note to end on.

Outdated trans programs pt. 2

Posted: October 2, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

My partner and I uncovered a video I had gotten while in a support group about 10 years ago – a collection of trans-related TV programs from the late 90s / early 2000s.  We’ve been spacing it out, watching some of it each weekend.

The first weekend, we watched The Discovery Channel’s “Changing Sexes.”  It was appalling.

Last weekend, we watched an Oprah show from 2004 about transgender children.  Surprisingly, it was so well done that it felt relevant and spot on, for children today, more than 10 years later.  Oprah made some blunders in terminology and wording (“transgenders,”  “When you grow up, what?  You want to officially have an operation?”  “Children who suffer from gender confusion”), but other than that, the tone was surprisingly respectful.

The show focused on 3 families:

Kaden, an 11 year old FTM trans-person, and his mom.
Dylan, a 5 year old child who strongly feels he is a girl, and his parents.
Hal, a 9 year old FTM trans-person, and his parents.

Kaden’s story focused on how horrific it was to start puberty, his social transition, and how hard it’s been for his mom, although she is supportive.  His mom talked about him being able to take further steps, (hormones and surgery), when he’s 18.  I found this video and article on Huffington Post – a Where Are They Now from 2013, where Kaden is 20.  He ended up getting to start testosterone at age 14 and get top surgery at 16.  He seems happy.

Dylan’s story focused on the tension between the parents and between Dylan and his dad.  His mom is fine with his son’s preferences and who he might turn out to be.  She will buy him dolls and engage in discussions about how he feels he is a girl.  His dad does not approve, and there is already a big rift in his relationship with his son.  The parents fight about it.  The dad stated, “I discipline him.”  Things seemed skewed in a way in which the dad was demonized.  Dylan was not on the show, but he was shown backstage, happily coloring.

Next, a gender therapist talked about the best practices in how to handle a child going through this.  To just be there for the child and love them no matter what.  And it might be a phase; it might not – and that’s OK.  She claimed that about 1/3 of children grow out of it, 1/3 grow up to be gay, and 1/3 grow up to be trans.  I wonder if these statistics hold up?

Hal’s story focused on how open and accepting his parents were, after he verbalized suicidal ideation at 6 years old.  His parents claimed that Hal can make his own choices about his path, when he is ready.  They talked about difficult moments, and Hal was kind of put on the spot.  At 9 years old, I think he was too young to be on the show, talking about his story.  He was crying through it.  That was hard to watch.

Lastly, a MTF trans-adult came on the air to talk about her life path and how much easier it could have been if she had been able to transition at a younger age.  Instead, her doctors were suggesting a lobotomy, and her family was seriously considering it.  Luckily they didn’t go through with it, and she grew up as male, had a family (is now divorced but it seems amicable) and is living more authentically now.

This show touched ever so briefly on heavy issues, but shied away each time.  Hate crimes were brought up.  Homelessness.  Suicide rates.  Racism.  Class issues amongst the families could have been explored.  Oprah tends to focus on the positives, which is definitely doing a disservice.  But in terms of talking about what kids need, she directed the conversations in the right directions.

The show closed with Dylan’s dad proclaiming that he is now going to go buy his son some dolls when he leaves.  When Oprah asked why, he said, “Life is more important.”

Stay tuned for part 3: A&E The Transgender Revolution from 1998.