5 years of writing here

WordPress sent me a notification today letting me know that it’s my 5th anniversary of blogging here.  So I’m scrambling to do a celebratory post!

When I started this blog, I was trying soooo hard to navigate my gender identity and to find a community.  I’d say the first year or two was spent feeling like my blog was not enough, just continually putting myself out there and obsessing about how to connect with others through this method.  I spent hours, daily, reading as many other blogs as I could find, about gender.  After about 2 years, I think I started to feel secure in my writing voice, if not quite my gender yet.  I really settled into writing regularly, and I got so much enjoyment out of it – this more than any other creative endeavor, for a long time.  I’d say that within the past year, that’s shifted again, and I’ve felt pretty disenfranchised.  I get way more “views” than ever before, mostly thanks to this singular post:  28 risks of chest binding.  People love a good scare.  They love to google things that could go wrong.  I’m definitely proud of that post – I put a lot of work into that one.  And I do love the fact that once they find my blog through that route, it seems like the majority of people poke around a little more and go deeper.  (This is based on what I can tell from “stats.”)  But the sense of community I felt so strongly has dwindled over time.  People have stopped posting / I have stopped finding new blogs to read.  There are a few mainstays that I haven’t quite kept up with; I’d like to remedy that…

The way I decided to celebrate this milestone is to pick 5 blog posts that I think got overlooked (one per year).  Either I put a lot of emotional energy into them and didn’t get much feedback, or maybe I just think they’re worth checking out – they withstand the test of time, something like that…

2013:  From whimsical musings to invasive rumintations on transitioning – This was my 10th post ever, and I really think I zeroed in on the psychological push-pull of not feeling like either gender for the first time here.  I even used some of what I wrote here much later, in an essay that is forthcoming as part of an anthology published by Columbia University Press.  For real!  The date keeps being pushed back, but it will be within a year – I’m sure I’ll have updates as that approaches.

2014:  The Soft Sell (upping the ante) – This was my 30th post.  It was mostly about:  despite the fact I may have been solidifying my gender identity more and more, I was waaaay behind in telling a lot of the people in my life about it.  The blog was a great outlet to be semi-private but also just feel it out as I went.  The term “the soft sell” came from my therapist – that was her reaction to me telling her the half-assed way I had come out to my parents.  When she said that, all I could picture was the members from Soft Cell, one of my fave bands.  That has always stayed with me.  Hah.

2015:  I came out to the principal of my school (workplace) – This post was definitely not overlooked, but I still think it’s worth highlighting.  I came out to her waaaaay before I actually actively came out at work, and I strongly feel like the fact that I did that, that I put those roots down, gave me hope toward my final destination.  It also breaks down the divide I feel between the “janitor” and the “queer” parts of my identity – this blog has continually felt out where that line is, where it crosses, where they are distinct, etc.  I just really like this post because it addresses a lot of that stuff head-on.

2016:  Drag king stories #5 – This is definitely my favorite entry within this ongoing series I’ve been doing.  I wrote it in honor of Prince’s death (the actual show took place in June of 2012) – the fact that I got to emulate Prince at a really well attended event meant the world to me, and the fact that I performed one of the songs with my drag partner/buddy’mentor made it all the more special.  We were both regular drag performers at a gay bar in 2006 and 2007.  Before I could articulate where I wanted to go with my gender, I got to act it out in all kinds of fun and creative ways, harnessing music and dance and costuming and make-up.  Being a drag performer was a big step in my journey – this post really showcases that, I think.

2017:  Jeepster (working title: I got an oil change and got my mind blown) – this is a real oddball post.  I’ve always said that the three things this blog is about are: gender, being a janitor, and mental health, and this one here really crystalizes a mental state that was temporary (thankfully!)  I had just recently gotten through the thick of a manic episode, and the residual disorganization / megaorganization is still very much apparent in the writing here.  I think I want to highlight it because I’m currently working on a 16+ page piece where I just try to remember as much as I can about my most recent hospitalization.  This is a companion piece.

And I’m gonna cop out and not do 2018 because the year’s not done yet!  Plus, it’s my 5th anniversary, so I’m highlighting 5 posts.  Makes sense.  Here’s to 5 more years!


Friends and family need to stop framing our transition as a death (open letter style)

Dear friends and family of trans-people,

It can be super challenging, on multiple levels, when a loved one comes out to you, especially if it never occurred to you that they might be transgender.  You might not know where to turn, or what resources to access to help you navigate the changes they (and you) will be going through.  There ARE resources though, plenty of them, and support groups (if not locally in your area, then definitely on the internet).  It is not up to the transgender person to be your sounding board, your therapist, your coach, or your educator.  In addition, as you work through it in your own way, please put a damper on the “transition as death” narrative.  It is trite, outdated, and toxic.

If you feel like you are mourning a death, that’s fine – all feelings are valid (etc.)  But why would this be something you need to work out publicly?  We are very much alive.  Almost always, transition is actually close to the opposite of death – it’s a time to finally feel out who we actually are.  We may have felt like a “half-person” or a “shell of a person” or, to put it in those same grim terms, like a “walking dead person.”  I know I did prior to transition, quite a bit.  Coming out was a celebration of life.  I feel like I have so much more to live for now.

When you claim that the person you knew has died, you are implying that the person we are becoming is not worth getting to know, or that we have slighted you, tricked you, we are to blame for your feelings of loss.  And, actually, we aren’t even “becoming” a different person.  We are the same person, just finally in technicolor, finally kaleidoscopic, however you want to look at it.  If you took the time to see how much we settle into ourselves, how often our worst mental-health issues start to soften around the edges, how we can be more present in the moment, more peaceful, more calm, then you might understand that it is so far from a death that the analogy is utterly ridiculous and laughable.

Please reflect on the ramifications of claiming we have died.
Sincerely, Kameron

And now for some hard evidence!  Two sources that have been recently on my radar have had me in hyper cringe mode as they talked about the “death” of their transgender loved one.

First, an episode of the podcast Beautiful Stories from Anonymous People:  I generally love this podcast, and in fact, I’ve written about it before, because there have been 2 prevous episodes highlighting transgender narratives.  If you wanna check that blog post out, it is:  Beautiful / Anonymous:  Trans-related episodes.

Episode #116, sensationalistically entitled She Killed My Father is a much harder pill to swallow.  The gist is that the caller is an only child, the adult child of a transwoman who came out later in life (in her fifties), much to the surprise of those around her.

Caller:  “Sometimes it feels like this person killed my father.  And in a way, that’s right.  You know, I, well, think about it this way:  When you lose… my father, as a male, does not exist anymore.  This person is gone.  And normally when that happens, you have this grieving period, you have this ritual, this ceremony, you can go to this funeral or this memorial service and people bring you food and people give you cards and people just give you your space and they really support you and they let you process that.  But for me, um… especially with my dad… I don’t have a dad anymore, and this person came in and said, ‘Your dad’s gone.  Now it’s me….'”

Chris:  “Wow.  This is, this is, by far, out of all the calls we’ve ever done, one that is so much to wrap one’s brain around.”

Blaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!  To be fair, I am just isolating this one thing, and of course it’s way more complex as we hear more of her story:  Her father is also bipolar, and has issues with boundaries, always wanting to be more of a “buddy” than a parent, stuff like that.  But really, nothing excuses this framework the caller has set up so starkly.  Can’t get past it!

The second instance I’ve recently come across is in a book called, At The Broken Places:  A Mother and Trans Son Pick Up the Pieces.  This book is co-authored by both mother and son, and it is in many ways a difficult but worthwhile read.  It’s rich in its depth and complexity.  Both authors are not afraid to show their wounds and flaws, and, to be sure, some of that is cringe-worthy.

She (the mother, Mary Collins) delicately sidesteps the specific “my daughter has died” scenario, but she has an entire chapter entitled “Mapping Modern Grief,” and there’s plenty of comparisons to the death of her father at a young age, as well as, “I am grieving the loss of my daughter,” “I understood my daughter would never return,” and this mindboggling way of looking at it:  “My emotional journey with Donald seems to more closely mirror more nebulous losses, such as moving away from someone I will never see again.”

Not as in-your-face with the death imagery, but just as chafing, on an emotional level.


Voice drop

I wanted to highlight this change, on testosterone, because I’ve vacillated so much over time, and it seems worth noting.  Initially, this was the thing I feared the most.  It’s one of the changes that happens early on, is irreversible, and is most noticeable.  I wanted to avoid it all together, partially because I wasn’t ready to come out beyond what I was comfortable with (my community and friends).  I didn’t want this change to “out me” before I was ready.  Also, I didn’t want to tip the gender balance – I wanted to be, over-all, androgynous and not definitively masculine in any way.

When I was on a low dose of Androgel (for over 2 years), I successfully kept things right where I wanted them.  Then I went off T completely for a while, and in that time, I started DJing for a community radio station.  I didn’t like listening back to my shows at first, so I just didn’t.  They felt cringe-worthy.  Eventually I started listening, and improving, and switching things up.  I started to find my voice, suuuuuuper gradually.

About a year in, I was ready to plunge into T-injections and all the changes that may come along with that, including my voice dropping.  I had already come out with family and at work and had changed my name legally, so those things were no longer road-blocks.

It was a bizarre and largely private thing to go through.  I don’t talk all that much in my daily life, to begin with, so it was a lot of testing out the changes, daily, in my car alone.  And then also the radio show, weekly.  I know there were times when my voice cracked, but I haven’t listened back, specifically, for that.  I’m sure I could find those moments, in the archives, if I really wanted to.  But I don’t!  Haha.

Fast forward, and I am super satisfied with my voice as it is now.  I have a hard time relating to how tortured I felt about it in the past.  Along with increased confidence and comfort with my body and my place in the world, my voice just feels natural.  It also just feels so much easier to find words, to converse in all sorts of situations, and to be more out there.  It is awesome in so many ways.

In preparing for my 100th radio show, I did go back to those first few shows and listened to them probably for the first time.  And they WERE totally cringe-worthy, haha.  My voice was stilted and stiff; I sounded so unsure of myself.  I did a cool thing where I isolated some of the sound clips from those early shows, and then I played them live, on my 100th show.  Here’s me, talking about lunch over the course of a handful of shows, before T-injections, and then me interjecting over top of that – you can really notice the change in my voice that way!  Also my best friend was there in the studio – she’s the third voice on this track:


Hair

My hair is the longest its ever been.  It’s also only 3/8 of an inch, on the sides.  I cut and buzz it myself.  I’m not sure whether it was a conscious decision (probably partially conscious), but as my face has become more masculine, I’ve grown my hair out in the back so that it falls over my shoulders slightly.  Also, it has gotten a lot more curly since I’ve been on testosterone.

I was initially on a low dose of Androgel for a few years, and there were really only 2 reasons that I stopped, in December of 2015:  1) I wasn’t sure what it was doing for me, at that dose, anymore.  And 2) Was it causing my hairline to recede?  That was totally freaking me out!

Two years later, I was ready to give testosterone another try.  The pros I envisioned (lowered voice, redistribution of fat and muscle, heightened libido, bottom growth) outweighed the cons I was pretty sure I’d come up against (feeling hotter, sweatier, potential hair growth and hair loss.)  And now that it’s been close to a year and a half, on a “regular” dose of injections, I’m still “in it” with that balance.  I don’t love all the changes.  But I love some of the changes more than I dislike others.

Hair is a big factor.  Probably the biggest factor at this point.  I’ll start with the easiest, most fun change:

Happy trail!!!  I’ve always wanted a happy trail, and now, finally, I have one.  That’s all I got to say about that.  It is awesome!!!

Facial Hair:  I do not like the increased facial hair at all.  I regularly – daily – pluck out chin and moustache hairs with tweezers.  I kind of love this activity – it’s satisfying to grab and pull out, one-at-a-time, each hair.  However, it’s more and more time-consuming, over time, as I have more to pluck out.  In addition, I’m sure I’m missing a bunch, especially finer hairs that can be seen in the sunlight.  Is this OK?  I guess for now, but it is a fine balance.  You know that old belief that may or may not be true?  That if you shave, the hairs will come back in thicker and darker?  I kinda believe that.  I don’t want to take that chance with my face.  Also, I’m not ruling out electrolysis, as a long-term solution, if it really feels that overwhelming in the future.

Hairline:  My hairline has definitely changed since being on testosterone.  I have a much more pronounced “widow’s peak.”  This is worrisome.  Balding definitely runs in my family.  I feel vain about it.  As of now, I just arrange the curls on the top of my head so that they fall forward, curly bangs covering up male pattern baldness.  But I’m not sure if I get to do this forever.  Probably not.

I also got some hair growth going on in other parts of my body, like my lower back and legs – all this feels neutral and natural.  I’m neither bothered nor excited about it.

I’m actually leaning toward lowering my dose now, as it gets warmer out.  I don’t want to feel overheated and smelly and sweaty.  And if a lower dose will slow some of the balding down, I’d probably feel better about it.  As long as my menstrual cycle doesn’t come back – that’s the balance I’m aiming for right now…  I’m sure I’ll feel differently at other points as well, but this is where I’m at.


Contacting my first therapist – backstory

In November of my senior year of high school, I had an appointment to see a counselor – my mom had set it up for me.  I’m not sure who she contacted or what route she took to find this person – I should ask her.  I never ended up going to them though because, a week before the appointment, I went to a psychiatric hospital.   I talked to people there.  And when I got out, I started seeing a therapist who was affiliated with that hospital.  I went to her for the rest of that school year, plus my freshman year of college.  I remember talking to her on the phone from my dorm room, and seeing her whenever I came home on breaks.

She quickly and easily became my favorite adult.  I always looked forward to seeing her.  I didn’t talk much.  I had no template for how to converse, basically.  She chipped away at that naturally, gradually, over time.  Sometimes we would role-play.  I often came home from our sessions and wrote out, word-by-word, our conversations.  It’s really neat to read back through those!

She was the first person to ask me about gender, and specifically, if I was comfortable with my female body.  I had just seen Boys Don’t Cry (my mom was reluctant to let me see it, but I was persistent, and she took me), and I told my therapist all about it.  She asked me about different aspects of my body, and I admitted that I don’t like this or that about it, I don’t shave my legs, etc.  But I essentially told her I couldn’t see myself as a man.

I started to go to a youth group through the local gay alliance that spring, and it was super helpful to be able to talk about those experiences from the group, with her.  Plus I had a crush on someone at school – in my memories, it feels like 90% of our sessions were taken up talking about that, specifically.  She always made me feel like there was potential and hope there.  In the end, she was right.  Kinda.  In some ways.  But that’s a different story!

Last week, I uncovered a cassette tape that has her name on it, in my handwriting.  I knew exactly what it was – I always knew this tape existed.  I had just misplaced it for a long time.  I’d been passively searching for it for years, actually.

I put it in my tape deck, which is right behind me where I’m sitting now, and pushed “play.”  I thought I would have some visceral or nostalgic reaction to her voice, but for whatever reason, I didn’t.  It was just her, reading from a script, going through a guided relaxation full of visualizations.  It was kinda cheesy.  Nothing that actually felt like a connection.

As I was planning my radio show this week, I incorporated about 2 minutes of this tape, layered with an instrumental track.

When I went to therapy on Wednesday, I brought all this up – finding the tape, planning on including it on my show, thinking about her again.  My current therapist knew her – they were collegues.  I told her I was thinking about trying to contact her, but I was at a loss because she got married (changed her name) when she moved to North Carolina.

I’ve half-heartedly tried to “google” her once or twice, a long time ago.  For whatever reason, it felt super weird and I didn’t pursue it any further.  But actually talking it out, at therapy (and I’m talking about the here-and-now, current therapist) made it not seem strange at all.  People do these things.  They reach out, try to find important others from their pasts, all the time.

I’m gonna do it!  I’m pretty sure I tracked down her phone number online.  Now I just gotta figure out what I’d say in a message.  My voice sounds male now – I’m gonna have to explain that.  I have a different name.  Yet another coming out.  What am I gonna say?!

Stay tuned for the conclusion, where I actually talk to her, if it all works out…


Mx. Zine

A couple of weeks ago, a new zine, made by non-binary people, launched.  This first issue’s theme is sexuality and romance, and it can be purchased here, on Etsy:  Mx. Zine

The cost is sliding scale / pay what you want, and all profits will be donated to Trans Lifelife (a crisis helpline for trans people) and/or Black & Pink (queer prison abolitionists).  How cool is that?!

I just got mine in the mail, and I highly recommend it.  It’s 16 pages of poetry, photography, drawings, mini-comics, and prose.  It’s on really nice paper and is in color.  I first found out about it from AJ, a member of a facebook group that I’m also a part of.  I reached out and asked them a few questions to get a better sense of the scope of the project.

Kam:  What is your role in the group, and how did you get involved? 

AJ:  I don’t have an official name for my role in Mx., but I’m somewhere between an organizer and editor. I’d had the idea for a collaborative project made only by non-binary people, and had quite a bit of support from the community, and was able to gather a group of interested NBs. I laid out the basics, but a lot of the details were fine-tuned by suggestions and polls. Then people submitted their content, and I arranged it into the final product! 

Kam:  What are some of the long-term goals for this project? 

AJ:  I really hope this will head in the direction of a queer based distro, where we’d also distribute music, art, and other zines. I’d love to see the proceeds from that go towards getting radical queer and feminist literature into the hands of young queers.  

Kam:  Do you come from a writing / publishing background?  Have you made zines before? 

AJ:  I do a lot of writing for fun, but it’s not exactly a background. I’ve made several small zines before, but this was the first big project. 

Kam:  What are some ways newcomers can get involved? 

AJ:  Join our Facebook group! It’s a general group for recruiting and updating on upcoming projects. Our next issue will be along the lines of Queer Liberation and Revolution, and we’d love to hear from new contributors! https://www.facebook.com/groups/mxzine/  

Kam:  What are the pros and cons, in your opinion, in using a printed medium when so much around us is digital / digitized? 

AJ:  I’m definitely one who prefers holding what I’m reading, but also it can be a lot easier to get out if we’re going through a distro (which I’ve been working on trying to do). I also find people more likely to pass around and share zines rather than sending files. People who might not have a computer, or who have a hard time reading from them also benefit from physical copies.  

There are definitely benefits to having it digital as well, and it makes it accessible to more people. People can zoom in for larger text or invert the colors if that helps them. We’re also making a text-only document with image descriptions that will be available upon request.  

Kam:  How did the title for the zine get selected? 

AJ:  The title Mx. was decided by a poll in our Facebook group. I wish I could tell you who suggested it, but I’m not sure. The runner-up was “Enbious Vibes,” which I also liked a lot.  

 Kam:  Do you yourself identify as non-binary?   

AJ:  Yes! (In fact, everyone who collaborated on the zine identifies somewhere outside the binary.)  I label my gender simply as “Queer.” I’ve bounced around with different labels since I was thirteen, but I feel this describes me best, at least at this point in my life. I don’t like trying to use more specific labels (e.g. genderfluid, demi-boy/girl), since so many people define them differently. I do love that there is so much new terminology floating around, and there can be a lot of personal empowerment in choosing a specific classifier for yourself, and then fine-tuning its description to best suit your experience. Me personally, I feel empowered by emphasizing the blurry lines of gender. 

Thanks to AJ for the interview, and, again, get yourself a copy!!!  Here:   Mx. Zine


Getting to know each other #6

Thank you to Self Made Originality for including me in another round of the Liebster Award!  It’s been a while.  Looking back, the last time I had a go-around was 2 years ago!  So, the way this chain-style, community based award system goes is, if you’re chosen, you then choose a bunch of other blogs you like, and it branches out from there.  I imagine the pattern of these awards swirling, dead-ending, and splintering/multiplying, over time, forever and ever.  It’s a great opportunity to find out about other blogs and connect with one another.

I tend to not follow the rules completely, but if I do nominate you, here’s how it’s supposed to go:

1. Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you and display the award logo.

2. Answer the 11 questions the blogger gives you.

3. Nominate bloggers who you think are deserving of the award but also help promote newer bloggers with less followers.

4. Tell the bloggers you nominated them, in a comment on their blog.

5. Give them 11 questions of your own.

So, when answering the questions posed, I’m going to do a combination of questions from a couple of sources, just answering the ones I feel like answering (if I nominated you, go ahead and answer these, and/or make up your own to answer.  And if you wanna display the award logo, just google image search “Liebster Award.”)

  1. What inspires you most when writing/blogging?  Real life experiences, and a self-imposed “quota.”  Basically, if I haven’t written 2 blog posts in a month, minimum, I start wracking my brain for something to write about!
  2. Are you religious?  No.
  3. If not, why not / What holds you back?  I grew up in a religious household and went to church regularly.  (Episcopal church.)  As I got older, I found other things to fill that same space in my soul.  Volunteering for various things and creative endeavors let me explore spirituality without the rigid rituals.
  4. Did you enjoy your education?  (high school, university, etc.)  No, I did not.  I would not trade it for a different path at this point because who knows where I would be without that structure.  But I would say my high school and college years were the worst, in terms of mental health issues, loneliness, and just feeling very very lost.
  5. What is your dream job?  Honestly, the job I have right now is pretty ideal.  I don’thave to interact with people much at all, I listen to podcasts and radio shows all day, I stay physically fit…  I guess my dream job would be phasing out working full time and making a living out of working part time, plus DJing and/or writing.
  6. Boxers or briefs?  Boxer briefs.  Although, today I wore boxers (one out of only a handful of days I’ve worn boxers, and it was pretty great.
  7. What important values do you live by?  Everything in moderation, avoid debt, help others when you have energy and it feels good (otherwise don’t worry about it), try to leave a record of things that are important, connecting with people is one of the most worthwhile things to put energy into (even if it’s often hard), just do your thing.

That’s about all I got for now.

Check out these awesome blogs:

Shawn 512

Valprehension

Demisexual and Proud

Cairtheand (Androgendernaut)

Parker Dell

I Man King

Life Post-Dysphoria

One other thing I wanna mention:  I used to pore over many many blogs.  I probably spent between 1 and 2 hours every day, reading other blogs that were written by people who identifiy as transgender.  And in recent months, that has tapered off.  I’ve tried to pinpoint why, exactly.  Maybe I’m not searching for myself in others’ experiences as much as I used to?  I have made it, in a lot of ways, to the other side of my journey (getting on hormones, getting top surgery, legally changing my name, coming out at work, etc.)?

Maybe.  I guess what I mean to say is that I miss connecting with other bloggers through shared experiences.  And I’m not totally sure why I’ve slowly gravitated elsewhere – it seems like a natural progression, at this point.  As of now, it hasn’t affected my interest in writing blog posts.  I hope that doesn’t waver, and I do hope I again become interested in checking in with other bloggers more frequently!


The custodial door

Here it is, finally!  Photographic proof that my name plate finally arrived the way I want it, after many delays and a mix-up.  If you want to read about the backstory, here are two past posts:

From December:  The “Mx.” got way delayed

From last January:  I came out at work, cont’d

The short version is that I asked for the Mx. a year and 3 months ago, following my legal name change.  A full year passed before anything happened, and it came through as Kameron [last name], which was not what I wanted.  So I talked to the principal again, and luckily, she was pliable.  A month ago, I saw a name plate in the admin. assistant’s trash (only because I empty her trash), that said, Ms. [last name].  Meaning, that Staples messed it up even though it got submitted the way I wanted it.  Another week passed (during which time I was wondering if I’d have to check back in with the admin. assistant or not.  Glad I just waited.) and, finally, there it was, on the custodial door.

!!!!!


Bathroom anxieties: a genderqueer janitor’s perspective (pt. 2)

Within a week of me coming out at work, a new protocol had been put in place for how we should go about cleaning bathrooms.  And for the first time, it applied to all cleaners in all bathrooms, not just guy cleaners going in women’s /girl’s bathrooms, or gals going in the men’s / boy’s.  The timing of it was not lost on me.

1. First, call out to see if anyone is in there.  If they are, wait.
2. Next, take a sign that is now velcro-ed to the back of all bathroom doors, and velcro-adhere it to the front.  This sign reads, “Do Not Enter.  Cleaning in Progress.”
3. Close the door, and then do whatever you’re doing, whether it’s just loading more paper towels or full-on cleaning the bathroom.

Before this, we only had to be conscious if we were in bathrooms that were opposite to the ones of our gender/sex.

When I came out to the principal and assistant principal, one of the first and only questions they asked was about bathrooms.  Which bathrooms did I plan on using?  If she (the principal) could make a suggestion, it would be best if I only used the gender neutral bathrooms.  I was polite in response, even though I had not thought this through, and at the time, I used both the women’s bathrooms and the gender neutral bathrooms.  All I said was, “A lot of people are worried about bathrooms when it comes to trans-people.”

As it is, a year later, I really only do use the gender-neutral bathrooms because different people within the school have different perceptions about where I’m at, and I want to protect myself and also foster the idea that I am neither male nor female.  I didn’t plan on this.  I thought I’d be continuing to use both women’s and gender-neutral ones.  But I’m not.

I clean one set of bathrooms in the “centrum,” an open plan area where the first graders are taught – there are 3 regular classrooms, 2 resource classrooms, a big open area, and two bathrooms.  These bathrooms don’t have doors on them, and also therefore, there are no, “Do Not Enter, Cleaning in Progress” signs accompanying them.  Since I do get a head start while the first graders are getting ready to go home, I always yell, “Anyone in here?” even before just dumping the trash / cleaning the sinks.  (Due to placement, there’s no way I’d encounter someone using the restroom from the sink area.)

A few days ago, I was doing my routine and called out like always.  No one answered.  I was putting in a new roll of paper towel.  Then I heard a toilet flush.  Also a bunch of kids were to the immediate right of this bathroom, putting on their winter coats and boots.  I finished loading the paper towel, deciding that it would have been a bigger deal if I had just left it half loaded in my paranoia to escape the bathroom.  The girl washed her hands and then I ripped off a piece for her to dry her hands.

Kids who were right there had a very lively conversation!
“There are no boys allowed in the girl’s room.”
“And also no girls allowed in the boy’s room.”
“But why is he in there in the bathroom then?”
“He has to be in there because that’s his job.”
“He’s putting more paper towels in there.”
“But still are you sure he can be in there?”

I just cleared out without further fanfare, but I felt kinda flustered.  Personally, I still feel like I half belong in the girl’s / women’s bathrooms.  Indeed, those are the ones I use the vast majority of the time when I am out in public.

I was intrigued that these first graders gathered that I was male.  I honestly have no clue whether kids at the school I work at think I’m male or female.  Whenever I’m asked (this happens so rarely), I do make a point to say, “I’m neither.  I’m a little bit of both.”  But short of that, I don’t have a clue what conclusions they come to!

One other thing that is tangentially related, I feel, because it concerns personal space:  Since I’ve come out, had top surgery, and been on testosterone for long enough that my physique and how I carry myself has changed, I get touched a lot more at work.  Some teachers pat or gently tap my shoulders and back.  A few days ago, I was thrown way off when a kid patted my midsection for no apparent reason!  It’s definitely different, and I don’t respond likewise with anyone, but I gotta say that I do think it’s a positive change – I think people can tell that I am more comfortable in my skin, and some of them act accordingly.

I’ll take it!

If you’d like to see what I originally wrote about this topic, back in January of 2014, here it is:
Bathroom anxieties:  a genderqueer janitor’s perspective
I decided to write a Part 2 because this one felt outdated.  And I still haven’t covered everything, not by a lot shot!  (probably part 3 will appear in the future…)


One year on testosterone

Today is a year on T-injections, 50ml / week.  I’d been on Androgel prior to this – from March 2013 to November 2015.  During that time, I didn’t experience many physical changes at all, which was what I was looking for at the time.  And it’s kind of the reason I stopped too – it became unclear what the purpose was, as if it didn’t make much difference whether I was on the gel or not.

So for that whole next year, I was trying to square away other elements of my transition, not sure whether I’d get back on testosterone or not.  It just felt like I wanted to get top surgery, change my name, and transition further socially before I would potentially want to pursue a level of hormones that would definitely change things in a noticeable way.  In the summer of 2016, it started to feel like the next step.  I was still pretty regularly seen as female everywhere, and more than anything, I wanted to be more firmly planted in the middle.

It took about 6 months to get an appointment and get started on injections.  I was doing intramuscular injections at first for about 9 months, and not liking it.  The need to get psyched up in order to jab in the needle was not fun.  When my endocrinologist gave me the option to switch to subcutaneous, I jumped at tat.  I am loving this method.  I wrote about making the switch here:  9 months on T-injections

I like being on this dose of testosterone a lot more than I thought I would.  The only aspects I’m not liking are the facial hair growth and the loss of a sense of smell.

I would say that I am seen as male more than I am seen as female, now.  That’s huge.  I don’t want that to tip too far in that direction, but so far, so good.  I’m still legally female, and I still almost always go into women’s bathrooms and dressing rooms.  I’ve never been stopped or questioned.

There are a lot of changes I could write about in depth, but right now I feel like focusing on my voice.  When I started Androgel, I was overly anxious about my voice changing, in particular.  I think it dropped ever-so-slightly, and I freaked out and lowered my dose even further.  And that worked – it didn’t change any further.  When I started injections, I was aware that my voice would probably be the most noticeable thing changing, early on.  And I was OK with that – something had shifted over the years.

I’m a DJ on a free form community radio station, and I’ve done an hour-long show regularly every week for the past two years.  It’s been a total blast.  And, it’s been a way to effortlessly track the changes in my voice.  When I hear pre-T recordings, my reaction is total cringe.  Which is quite the shift, since I used to want to “preserve” that register.  Now I really hate it!  And I love how it’s changed.  I can never go back, and I’m totally fine with that!

Aaaand, here’s my face:

 

one year

before injections