While I was “out,” Part 2 – partly out of the closet, fully out of the loop
Posted: April 17, 2014 Filed under: coming out | Tags: anxiety, coming out, depression, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, mental health, non-binary, queer, testosterone, therapy, trans, transgender 1 CommentFor roughly 6 years, I was living sort of as the person I envisioned myself to be. Prior to that, I’d gone through a bunch of intense periods of introspection (or maybe one really long period of continuous introspection is more like it), trying to find myself and how I identify.
By my mid-twenties, I had just kind of given up and said, “Good enough.” Tried to move on and live my life as best I could. (That doesn’t mean I stopped being introspective. It just means I tried to have a life despite that.) That life involved disconnecting from most things that were causing me too much stress and anxiety. The LGBT community was definitely on that list, but at the time, I would have shrugged it off and told you, “it’s not that important to me.”
The LGBT community kept sending me this, and I just kept ignoring them, because the details were always left blank.
The break-up was never about interpersonal drama or ideological disagreements. (Although, I did feel some of that. I strongly feel that a facilitator / leader can really make or break a group.) I broke away because it felt too sensitive to be in touch with what was going on, and to connect with others on this identity-based level
I didn’t stop being an activist / contributor, but I did stop focusing on things that hit too close to home. I immersed myself in endeavors such as Food Not Bombs, our local Free School, and benefits to raise money for a particular community space, Indymedia, etc. I overextended myself way past the point of burn-out. I’ve taken huge steps back. I’m currently at a precipice, figuring out what to throw my energies into next, and how to do it differently.
I was not very happy, but I had resigned myself to thinking that this is just how things are for me. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. My anxiety levels were so high, on a normal day, on every normal day. I self-injured and shut-down (dissociated) regularly, just to cope with daily life. I forced myself to do so many things, all the time, out of fear of sinking into yet another depression. I was hyper-vigilant of my internal states and tried to regulate all my emotions – squish and squelch them, twist them into something else and rationalize them away. I was aware that I was capable of having a sex drive, but it was so far gone I didn’t have the slightest idea of how to coax it back. (And I really wanted it back.)
It’s not like my life was super stressful! I work as a janitor. I don’t have any dependents. I don’t have money concerns, health concerns, family drama, nothing! Haha.
I just did not want to worry any more about gender! I had a huge amount of body dysphoria. I felt totally lost a lot of the time. But it wasn’t going to be about gender. It was going to be about any number of other things. Because, bottom-line, trying to figure out if I should transition or not was stressing the hell out of me, for years and years and years. I did go through a (fortunately unsuccessful) time period where I said, OK, this is about gender. And I found a therapist to talk about that, specifically. (I was probably 28 at this point.) I thought I was headed on a neat and tidy (and difficult) path to finally sort this all out and probably start testosterone and transition into a visible man. Except, I never wanted to be a man. It’s just that I had backed myself into a corner, and this was my escape plan. But there was no way that could have worked; I knew myself too well. I never ended up connecting with the therapist, I never even convinced myself to begin with, and the whole plan just stalled out.
(This kinda ends abruptly, but part 3 will be coming soon. If you’re interested, here is part 1.)
Working on Letters for My Aunts
Posted: March 3, 2014 Filed under: Writing | Tags: coming out, family, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, parents, same-sex marriage, trans, writing 5 CommentsLately, I’ve been focused on coming out to more of the people who are in my life, and also reaching out to some family members who have not really been in my life – seeing what’s going on for them, hope that they might respond to what’s going on for me. Mainly, my dad has 4 sisters who all have their own nuclear families, yet I really don’t know much about them and vice versa. So I’m working on composing emails to send to them, and from there, they can forward and/or talk about it with their family members.
Traditionally, I’d see them about once a year, at the holidays (and we’d never really talk about our lives). But this year, I didn’t even see them then. I really can’t say why, except that it feels like there’s a chasm that keeps getting wider and deeper, in the place where my dad might have built a bridge, a long time ago. It seems generally natural that one’s parent would be the link between the child and that parents’ extended family. That is strongly the case with my mom and her side of the family, at least. I never told any of them that I am gay (that’s not really all that accurate), that now I have a partner, that now I’m planning to get married, that now I am married, etc. My mom did all that for me, and then I (and we, my partner and me) just show up to extended family gatherings and feel accepted and included, even if none of this information is directly talked about. I most recently asked my mom to add “please use male pronouns, he doesn’t identify strongly with either gender, and he’ll be glad to answer questions if you’d like to ask,” to that list of stuff she conveys on my behalf to her side of the family. It has been an effective system thusfar, although this newest bit of info might throw some people for a loop. I’ll just have to wait and see…
My dad, however, does things very differently. I’m pretty sure he believes that things that did not happen to him firsthand are not for him to share. But there are definitely exceptions to this, so maybe another part of it is, if he feels awkward about it, it’s not for him to share. And maybe he feels awkward about most things. As far as I’m aware, no one on his side of the family knows that I am gay (although they could easily guess, and again, not accurate!), that I have a partner, that we planned to get married, and that we got married. My partner has never met any of them. Like I said, I’ve been seeing them once a year, but this year my parents went without me, and I think it has quite a bit to do with the fact there is too much unsaid information that’s recently happened and is piling up.
So, I’m going to break this bizarre pattern by telling my aunts and their families everything I’d like them to know about me and ask them about their families, in a grouping of 4 (almost) identical emails, one for each of them. Plus a written card for my grandpa because he doesn’t have an email address. It is psychically difficult. I’ve had this plan vaguely for about 3 months, and more seriously for about one month. And I’ve been putting it off. But this week feels like the week. I may be going to visit my grandpa next Sunday (because I talked to my mom about all of this, and she talked to my dad, and he then told me of when he was next going to visit, to which I replied, “Maybe I’d like to go”), so I wanna get this info out there!
In other news, I’m currently in the process of editing a piece for an anthology called Letters for My Siblings. It’s not a definite at this time, but it’s looking very promising that my piece will be included!!! Which is a huge deal for me. I’ve always seen myself as a writer, and I’m starting to feel like I could make something of that! I’m already on to the next thing even; I’m working on a submission for a magazine called “Iris: New LGBTQ+ Writing for Young Adults.” Check it out! Here’s their call for submissions for the next issue.
Continued quest to find a new doctor (a good fit?)
Posted: February 26, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: coming out, doctors, gender identity, genderqueer, health care, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, physicians, testosterone, trans, transgender 11 CommentsI have been seeing a doctor that I don’t like for about a year, in order to access testosterone. I’ll be going to his office tomorrow actually, hopefully for the last time. For a few weeks now, I’ve been actively trying to find a doctor that I would want to go to. My therapist thought she had a good lead on someone who works with trans* patients, but it turns out this person works with adolescents and young adults. Whoa, when did I stop being a young adult?!!!! According to this doctor, it’s when I turned 27.
I really wasn’t sure where to start. As far as I was aware, I had exhausted my resources for trans* specific health care. Ideally, what I’d have done next was turn to all my local trans* friends, and ask them who they see and who they’d recommend. But, I’ve been out of the loop for a while now, and it felt daunting to drop in on a social group or support group just to ask about this. So I turned to my local gay alliance’s resource webpage and wrote down the names of a couple of “LGBT friendly” doctors. I narrowed it down somewhat arbitrarily because, hey, I gotta start somewhere.
I called the first number and left a message. Then called again 2 days later. And again the beginning of the following week. And a 4th time the next day. My faith was waning; it hit me it was probably a really bad sign I couldn’t get through to anyone. I finally got a message back from them, but I’d started to lose interest and was already moving on to the next doctor.
I got through immediately and asked if this doctor was taking new patients? I was told that if I’m a friend or family member of a current patient, then yes. Or if I was being referred to her by a doctor of any sort, then yes. Wait, you need a referral for a primary care physician?!! I asked, “In what form should this referral take? Like a note from a doctor or an email?” “No, you just tell us their name.” I said OK thanks and hung up.
So basically, I can see this doctor through the powers of nepotism and name dropping. (Warning, I’m still highly suspicious of doctors. Doctors, please, prove me wrong!) I felt more determined than ever to see this doctor, just on principal, because I think this policy is fucked-up. She should either be taking new patients or not taking new patients. Period.
I called my therapist (technically, she’s a doctor) and asked her if she would refer me to this doctor. She said sure, she’d do whatever, and that she’s never heard of needing a referral for a PCP. She suggested that maybe I just misunderstood, and they just want to know how I heard about / was referred to this doctor. So when I called back, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, but it was reinforced that yes, I need a verbal referral.
I then said that I have a therapist who will vouch for me. (The term “vouch” was never actually used, but that’s what seems to be going on?) I was then put on hold, and they seemed to be attempting a stalling tactic. She (receptionist) said she is short staffed and busy, could I call back Thurs. or Fri. of this week? I was assured that I’d be able to make an appt. at that time, and I was directed to name-drop whoever at that time.
So I followed these directions and finally got an appointment! (For 3 months from now.) A few days later, a packet of paperwork arrived in the mail, and I immediately opened it and started to peruse. Their pamphlet states, right on the cover, “Designed by Women / Delivered by Women / For Women Like You.”
Whaaaaa? Apparently, I got myself a doctor through a women’s health group without even knowing it! I just have to take a giant step away from this situation and laugh. And laugh and laugh some more.
Is this going to be a good fit? I thought it through quite a bit, and decided that I’m going to try it. And I’m going to make my decision based on the doctor, and not the Women thing. Because really, although I am definitely not a woman, I am closer to a woman in some ways, and closer to a man in other ways. And being at this health center is not going to mess with my identity or psyche or ego.
As long as they can understand what I am saying to them, as long as they can use my preferred name and male pronouns, and as long as I’m getting good treatment, I will be proud to go here.
(And if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out.)
The Soft Sell, Part 2
Posted: February 10, 2014 Filed under: Passing | Tags: androgyny, coming out, family, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, testosterone, trans 2 CommentsA couple of days ago, I decided I was going to be more direct in coming out to some people. I’ve had a tendency in the past, to soft-sell the way I identify and my preference for pronouns (in the situations where I have come out), and I wanna change that. So, the next day, I had a conversation with my parents! Definitely not the first of this nature, but this time I asked them specifically to use male pronouns, and I talked to them about some steps I might or might not take in the near future. My mom was supportive, but I have an idea she will have difficulty remembering to use male pronouns. My dad was evasive. His body language told me he was uncomfortable. He would have stayed silent the whole time if I let him, but instead, I asked him, “Dad, what do you think about this?” And he replied, “It doesn’t matter to me.” Which is so vague as to what he means; in the moment I decided to spin it positively by saying, “Yeah, I mean I am still the same person.” Ultimately, it’s exactly how I expected them to react, and I’m not really phased by what they might think. I would just like to see them try. We’ll see.
I feel like now that that conversation is out of the way, I can plan to spread this news to other relatives. I’m thinking of emailing some aunts and their families in the near future because it might be cool to finally talk about myself, haha. Basically, my dad has 4 sisters, and they all have families, and I don’t know much about them, and they don’t know much about me. Even though I see them all at least once a year. We just don’t talk about our lives. I don’t think they even know I’m married, or that I’ve been in this relationship for the past 7 years. I’ll probably start thinking about it more concretely and drafting an email this week!
Oh, also I told some friends who didn’t yet know, that I’m on testosterone. That was fun! They were super supportive (of course) and also pretty curious. And! I just emailed the volunteer coordinator at the local gay alliance (where I have recently started volunteering in the office) to let her know my pronoun preference and to ask her to help me spread the word if pronouns come up in conversation. I felt like I’d really like her (or just someone) to help me with this because 1. I am very reserved and 2. I don’t see many people during my shift, don’t have many opportunities to bring it up in person. I think that she will be a good person for this – she’s super friendly and outgoing and non-judgemental as far as I can tell.
So far, this is pretty fun!
The Soft Sell (Upping the Ante)
Posted: February 6, 2014 Filed under: Passing | Tags: coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, same-sex marriage, Soft Cell, soft sell, testosterone, therapy, trans 6 CommentsI’m thinking differently about coming out to more people, lately. Like, I’m starting to plan for it, as opposed to trying to figure out whether it’s something I want to do or not.
Mainly, I’m thinking about telling some people that I’m on testosterone (and what that means in general and what that means for me), and asking them to use male pronouns from now on, when they refer to me. I could go around doing mental gymnastics about this forever. Do I have a right to impose this on others? (yes!) Do I want to? (not sure) Will others take me seriously? (not sure), etc.
I do not generally pass as male. And I’ve been on low-dose testosterone for almost 11 months, and I still don’t pass. And I plan on being on it for the rest of my life without ever really passing as male. This is what I want; I’m right where I want to be. Except, I feel more male than female, inside, and I want that recognized with male pronouns. Also, I just want to be more visible as being non-binary, and the visual/pronoun incongruence suits me. I could go my whole life without anyone guessing I’m on T (I think). I know that I could go my whole life without being seen how I really feel. And that could be said for a lot of people.
I (sort of) came out to my parents in November. I did this at that point only because I was getting married, and pronouns were going to be used, haha. C’s family consistently uses male pronouns for me – that’s how I was introduced, and how they know me. It’s awesome!!!!! My family does not, and I’d never brought it up to them.
So, in preparation of the getting-married day, I told my parents, over dinner, that I don’t feel like I am either gender, and I avoid pronouns when I can because none of them feel right, but when I have to use them, I prefer male pronouns. I said, “So, I wanted to tell you this because other people use male pronouns for me, and I wanted you to know why, so you would know what was going on.” My mom was nodding emphatically the whole time I gave them the spiel. My dad was making eye contact with the TV rather than with me or my mom. I know he heard me, technically, but I know nothing beyond that.
Yesterday, I was talking about coming out, in therapy. And I relayed/reviewed this scene with my parents (’cause we’d already gone over it, at the time it was happening), and my therapist looked surprised and replied, “Oh, I didn’t realize you had given them the soft sell!” And when she said that, all I could do was visualize Soft Cell (see below) and stare at her, confused. It took me a while to register what she was saying. And I was all, Damn! …but, she’s totally right.
These guys know how to keep a secret.
My parents do not use male pronouns for me now that I’ve explained this to them. I didn’t ask them to. At this point, I don’t actually expect them to because I haven’t told anyone else within their circles, and even I think that would be too weird and uncomfortable for them. BUT! It has made me decide that I want to tell more family members and then start expecting that they will make the change for me. I know it will be hard and I will feel vulnerable. I know some people probably will be able to just switch with no problem, and some people may never actually do it, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t ask.
As of now, here’s what I’m looking at:
Friends / Community – use male pronouns, I feel understood
C’s family – use male pronouns, I feel understood
Work – use female pronouns, about half know I’m married to a female, they probably all think I am a lesbian
My mom’s side of family – use female pronouns, all know I’m married, they probably think I am a lesbian
My dad’s side of family – use female pronouns, use my birth name, no one knows I’m married, they probably think I’m a lesbian
My mom – uses female pronouns, I feel understood (interestingly), knows I’m on testosterone and how I identify
My dad – uses female pronouns, I don’t know what he thinks
My bro – He’s been living in Turkey for 3 years and I have not had much contact. In the past though, he has used male pronouns, I feel understood.
I think that I have a lot of work to do.
We took the plunge!
Posted: November 15, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: agreements, ceremony, coming out, create-your-own, genderqueer, getting gay married, honeymoon, lgbt, lgbtq, marriage, non-binary, relationships, rituals, trans, wedding 2 Comments
We did that thing – we got married! And! In the process of getting married, I came out (sort of) at work! But first thing’s first – we got married on Saturday, at a nearby park with a stream and some little waterfalls. We went to brunch first at a vegetarian Greek restaurant, with all our parents, who had yet to meet(!) after all this time. Then we went to the park from there, where 3 friends, and 2 of my partner’s siblings all met up to do this thing. My partner’s brother officiated, and she and I came up with all the wording ourselves. Everyone stood in a circle, we did a go-around where everyone introduced themselves and said what brought them here, and then we played a song on a boombox. Then C (I’m going to switch to “C” instead of always writing “my partner”) and I gave a 2 part lecture on the nature of love, which probably lasted over 10 minutes! Hope no one was sleeping! After that, we said some “agreements,” in which there was a lot of laughing and we agreed on some things. Then we kissed (a huge deal for me because I can barely get myself to take her hand in public), played another song, and had everyone join hands and do some hippie-like circle formation dancing and spinning. It was pretty great. Then we broke and handed out fancy sodas, like the kinds in glass bottles, and clinked glasses and took some photos.
It was very close to how I pictured it going in my head. Which was a huge relief, because a hang up about getting married at all, for me, was that wedding ceremonies and traditions? I don’t get it, and don’t connect with that, at all. So we created something we did connect with.
Right after, we took off for a fun 3 day weekend in a town about 2 hours away. We went to some restaurants, saw 12 Years a Slave (nice “honeymoon” movie pick), went to some botanical and herbal gardens and an arboretum, went to an art museum, went record shopping, and just relaxed and stuff.
So, nothing really feels different, other than that C can now get on my health insurance! Wheee!
The thing that actually feels like a bigger deal than getting married, is that I told people at work about it. Basically, no one at work knew I was in a relationship until 6 months ago, at which point I told my co-worker, my supervisor, and the head of the kitchen. But… I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years, and I’ve worked there for 6 and a half. And I’ve even wrongly implied that I’m single. So finally, those 3 people knew (I decided to share because I was going to be working closely with them all summer, and thought it was time to be more open.), but there were so many more people I see every day and never ever say a single thing about myself. Teachers, admin. assistants, the principal and assistant principal, the school nurse, etc.
And I didn’t really have a plan or goal to share my news. I was actually planning to (by default) not share. I started last work-week that way, and it just started to feel really shitty. Like, I was about to be getting married, and no one even knew I’m in a relationship. I imagined they could guess I’m gay (I’d prefer queer and genderqueer, but imagine people might think I’m a lesbian), but I’d never said a damn thing. I wonder if one day I will come out as non-binary, genderqueer, trans*, ask for a different pronoun, everything along that line… We’ll see; one day at a time.
So by midweek, I decided to take the risk and share my news. I wondered, how many people would I have to tell before they start spreading the word and I don’t have to do the work anymore? I guessed 5. In the end, I surpassed that goal of 5, and told 10 (and I’m still telling people)! And the word did start to get around; people were coming up to me and congratulating me. People were gushing with excitement and wanting me to bring in pictures for them to see. People had all kinds of questions about what we were going to do. I got a card from the whole school with a gift card in it. The first grade teachers pitched in and gave me a gift basket. It was as if my dark and dreary, mysterious and reserved, shy and distant demeanor at work got a huge boost, and I’ve been trying to run with that.
I could be a totally new person at work (slowly, little by little)! I even took my hat off! (I’ve been wearing military style caps every day as long as I’ve worked there, and it was getting old – I was tired of hats, but I couldn’t seem to get myself to take it off. Now? It seemed like no problem! Hat gone!)
janitorqueer 