I came out at work, redux

Eight years ago, after a long buildup, I finally came out at work (an elementary school) as trans, and more specifically, non-binary. It was right after Trump had been elected, and before he took office. It feels like a long time ago now. Lots of new staff members have been hired since then; I don’t have reasons or avenues to come out to any of them.

Last week though, an opportunity arose. Er rather, I took something as an opportunity and ran with it. Trump has been elected again, hasn’t taken office yet. It’s a weird-feelings time, to say the least.

An email went out two weeks ago that a teacher wanted ALL STAFF to send her a photo from when they were in elementary school. I didn’t think much about it; I’ve participated in school-wide things from time to time over the years, to varying levels of satisfaction; at this point, I usually just opt out. The next day though, I passed the teacher in the hall and she said, “I need your photo!” I asked, “What is it for?” And she gestured toward the front entryway, saying it’d be posted there. Sure enough, there was a banner saying, “Once upon a time, we were kids too,” and really fun photos were already going up – kids in jumpers with frilly bibs, bob cuts, bowl cuts, polyester blouses with rounded collars…

My gears started turning and I asked my mom if I could stop by to look as some school photos after work. We had a nice bonding moment, looking through old stuff and laughing. I took a 5X7 of my kindergarten picture and also looked for photos from a few years later. Before and after my initial transition, from girl to tomboy, midway through 2nd grade.

In 1987, I was a kindergarten student at the school where I now work. As far as I can recall, I thought of myself as a girl. I looked and dressed like a girl and did girl things (whatever that means).

In 2nd grade, I made a new friend and never looked back. She looked like a boy, sat at the boys’ table, played with boys, and I was thrilled she made an exception for me. As more years went by, I skewed more and more masculine. Er, maybe it wasn’t that linear, but it definitely did start there.

I decided that I was going to submit both photos for the bulletin board. I asked the teacher to put them side by side, with the same number so it was clear they were the same person. (No one was identified by name – only number; maybe it is a guessing game.) She replied that she applauded my bravery and celebrated me, but I’d have to pick just one. That was the rule. If I picked the kindergarten photo, I imagined hardly anyone would know, and people would be shocked in the “reveal,” if that was what we were doing, if they were paying attention. I imagined if I picked the one of me as a bigger kid (guessing I’m 11 here?) people would easily guess, and what I was going for would be completely lost.

My response might have been a bit over the top; suddenly I was feeling very passionate about all this. I said,

“I’m sorry, but I can’t pare it down to just one.  This is one small, quiet way I choose to come out, for kids and the school community.

When I originally came out at school 8 years ago, I had to push hard, mostly against the principal at the time, to have my message received the way I intended.
I understand this is a fun way to share who we were as kids.  
I will gladly talk further with you in person.  I feel resolute about it.
Thanks,
Kameron”

My mind was churning through everything I had already gone through and everything I might have to go through to fight in the future. And will I have less to stand on down the road? As in very, very soon? This was going to have to happen now. It was a lot for a little while there.
Luckily, she replied that she understood and she would get both photos up.

They’re there, amongst about 70 other staff photos. These two are squished and elongated, because they were formatted to fit on one page, but that’s OK – they’re there. And if kids and adults are confused, there are other adults around who can fill in the story (I already heard one story about how this did happen.) I have a history at this school; it’s taken a lot out of me to feel comfortable here, and I only want to be even more out and visible, as opportunities arise.

It’s a conversation starter. A statement. And it’s already led to a chance for me to come out to my newest co-worker; I’ve wanted an in for about 4 months…

Backstory: Toward the end of the summer, we had to tackle a huge, last-minute task, involving lots of heavy lifting, moving, taking legs off tables, setting up desks, etc. I asked my co-worker if she could get started on it the night before a huge delivery – I’d be in first thing the next morning, filling in for my supervisor. She did a lot, and then I did a lot, and when we overlapped the next day, she relayed what she had done, but also how she had hurt her foot, and how she had not done as much as she projected. She said, “I’m not a man!.” And I replied, “I get that.” And she just sort of rolled her eyes at me. I wanted to say, “Here’s how much I get that – I’ve been both. I’ve been doing this job both without testosterone coursing through my veins and then also with this magic muscle elixir making aches and pains vanish out of thin air, everything suddenly lighter, more stamina, shifted center of gravity allowing me to get a whole lot more out of my whole body everything suddenly easier, more tolerable, more doable.” I could have ranted on and on. The differences are huge. But, in the moment, I didn’t, didn’t say anything further, because I didn’t know her well enough yet and although I’d be more comfortable with more people knowing, in theory, there’s always a risk. I let the moment pass.

When I told her last week though, in the context of this bulletin board fun guessing game, she was completely shocked (which always boggles my mind a little!) and very supportive, connecting super hard with me and even sharing that her sister is a transwoman and showing me pictures. And just being with me as I relayed the tiny drama that was getting 2 photos on the board because I wanted to tell a story.

I’m going to continue telling this story whenever it comes up or makes sense to share.