five months on T without physical changes

I’m happy to report that outward changes continue to be extremely minimal!  I’m going to focus on the most noticeable internal-experience changes, now that it’s been a good chunk of time and it feels like these changes are here to stay.

Pain:  I was in quite a bit of constant physical pain, mainly joint pain in my hands and arms, probably from repetitive motions at work and/or not eating enough.  Instantly, that was gone.  In addition, I’m just kind of suddenly getting a little bit stronger and work is way easier.  Also, I’m experiencing sensations of pain a lot differently than before.  Like, it’s unpleasant!  Whereas before, the constant joint pain was unpleasant, but certain types of pain (basically, self-inflicted) were pleasant and/or comforting.  I’m not going to say I’ll never self-injure again, but it does feel so far away from where I’m at right now.  That is so amazing to me.  I hated that I did that, even very recently, quite a lot.

Hunger:  Hasn’t ended up being sustainable unfortunately, but seems worth noting.  I felt hungrier for about one week, early on.  I thought eating was a worthwhile thing to do.  Briefly, I had chemical signals connecting food with pleasure centers in my brain; It was awesome!  Like, I would think about and look forward to getting to eat.  I would prefer certain things over other things, by a lot.  That quickly dwindled back to my normal feelings and attitudes about food, which are not very exciting.  Not at all.  Sometimes eating is a real chore, in fact.  The one thing that feels different now is that if I skip eating at a time I usually eat at, I will feel more motivated to catch up.  In that way, I will feel hungrier if I don’t eat.  That wasn’t really true before.  Also, I’ve gained 5 or 6 pounds, which manifests in the one externally noticeable physical change going on – muscle growth, mainly in my arms, shoulders, pecs, and abs.  Really psyched about this.  Can’t go wrong with more muscles!

Warm and Fuzzy:  I just feel cuddly and cozy.  I feel connected to my body in a way I never have before.  It’s really hard to describe, but I’m sure people can relate.  Like, my clothes feel soft on my skin.  Like, I’m walking on pillows and clouds, yet paradoxically, I feel totally grounded.  Like, I had no idea how jagged and disconnected I was before; I had nothing to compare it to.  These sensations have been dwindling over time – I think I’ve been getting used to them.  Like the clouds are not quite as soft and pillowy as they were at first.

Sex Drive:  Having a sex drive I can relate to is awesome.  Being able to have sexual thoughts and have that be connected to a body sensation.  My body responding to sexual stimuli.  Having totally different sensations everywhere on my body than I used to, in a good way.  Clitoral growth, which means actually being able to feel and experience erectile tissue sensations.  Previously, junk was so small and sensitive in a bad way, it wasn’t all that fun.

Anxiety:  The biggest, most drastic change, is anxiety:  totally gone!  Like general anxiety just disappeared into thin air.  I still totally over-think things and mentally worry way too much, but the fact that those thoughts aren’t connected to physical anxiety responses is a huge relief.  I was exerting so much energy on things that don’t matter!  I was feeling so drained and limited by these feelings that I couldn’t get away from before!  It’s a lot of work avoiding things that might trigger unpleasant internal responses; now I don’t do that nearly so much!  It is totally a brain chemistry shift – I don’t know how or why, but it’s not something I’m worrying about haha.  Also, emotionality overall hasn’t changed much.  I still have been experiencing the same range and types of emotions, which I’m happy for.  If anything, there might be a slight capacity to acknowledge anger and frustration now, which seems positive.  I’ll have to see how that plays into my life.

I’ve been on Androgel, 1%, 1 pump (1.25g) per day.  I started with 1.62% for about 2 months, but I started to see some changes that freaked me out (voice dropping and body hair growth), so I asked to switch to 1%.  Which I did for 2 months (voice went back to where it was, body hair growth stopped).  Then recently I started alternating between the two every other day.  Which has been working out so far, and I like.  I just hope I can continue to alternate my prescriptions.  I might be questioned on that…

I have had some other slight physical changes that seem common:  I feel warmer, body temperature-wise.  I’ve had some pimples pop up, particularly in places I wouldn’t normally get pimples – thighs, butt, armpit(?)  I’ve been slightly sweatier (my partner would say significantly sweatier, haha).

I want to be able to use testosterone for the rest of my life, but to not change much, physically speaking, over time, if possible.  So far, it does seem possible.  The internal shifts are too good, I couldn’t have even imagined, or dreamed them up, in advance.  I’m still just hanging out, revelling in it all.  One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.