I’m not a man, but am I a boy or boi?

Recently, while in the midst of yet another gender confusion stream-of-consciousness ramble, directed at my therapist, she reminded me, “You used to tell me that you didn’t think you felt like a man, but you wanted to be seen as a boy.”  But that was like 15 years ago, when I was 20, 21 years old.  At that point, it wasn’t that much of a stretch to be seen as a 15 year old boy.  Right?  Or at least, not nearly as much of a stretch as a 36-year old (me, now) wanting that same thing.  Do I still want that?  Not really, anymore.  But, it is happening at this point, sometimes, more than ever before.  (Well maybe not more than when I was 10 years old and there was no way to tell me apart from a boy of that same age..)

When I was first grappling with what it meant to be transgender, one of the first terms I latched onto was “boi.”  It’s a deviation of “boy,” something that’s queer and edgy but also kind of  just “testing the waters,” experimental, non-committal.  Wikipedia has a whole slew of other meanings for “boi,” which is worth checking out, here.

It seems that this term has fallen out of popularity, similarly to how “hir” and “ze” have given way to “they.”

I gotta admit I don’t identify with “boi” anymore.  Nor do I feel like I am a boy.  BUT!  There are certain things that are great about being seen that way.  When people mistake me for a 16 year old boy, I feel like I will live forever!  Hah, not really, but there is something exciting about it.  I almost always get carded unless I’m at a place where people know my face.  Fine by me!

Sometimes I have trouble inhabiting this body.  it has gotten waaaaaaay easier since top surgery and testosterone.  BUT!  Do you know what’s cool about this body?  The size of my body is exactly between “boy’s” sizes and “men’s” sizes, in every way.  I love that – it’s kind of perfect.  I can wear boys XL shirts (as long as the sleeves are long enough) or men’s XS shirts (kind of hard to find).  Men’s pants start at size 28 waist, and boy’s pants end at size 30 waist.  I fall right within that range – lately since testosterone, going more toward the 30.  Boy’s size 20 means 30X30 which is pretty much perfect, if I can find them.

And shoes!  Boy’s go up to size 6y (the “y” stands for youth).  And Men’s start at size 7.  Either of these fit me.

I wear unisex size small t-shirts.  I wear both boy’s and men’s underwear, but gravitate more towards boy’s because it’s generally waaaaaaaay cheaper.

When I was 20, 21, a close friend and I strongly identified as “bois,” together.  We played catch with baseballs and mitts, or frisbees, countless times.  We peed in the woods, whenever we had to go, no big deal.  We worked on an organic garden, we went camping and swimming in the lake in just our briefs and A-frame tank tops.  We got free ice creams at the place my brother worked.  She now identifies as a bisexual woman.  And I identify as trans, as genderqueer, as non-binary, as queer.

But, although I have a history with it, I probably would not say that I am a “boi.”