6 weeks since my most recent testosterone shot

More things are different than I had expected, since going off T.  None of it is surprising, but it’s kind of like, when you’re in one sort of frame of mind, it’s hard to picture / remember how it feels to be any other way, even if you have lots of practice / experience being that other way.  And then once you’re there, it’s like, “Oh yea.”  It’s not bad, exactly, but it’s not awesome either.  It’s more nuanced, layered, a bunch of stuff all at once, it’s nostalgia tied up in knots around whimsy, wistfulness, and just… more.  There’s suddenly a bunch more to life.  I’ve felt like reaching out and connecting with people I haven’t spoken much to lately.  Music has sooooo much more depth, personal significance, and intrigue than it has in a long time.  Crying comes easily and often.  Remember crying?!  Been a while…  Also, the nature of my attraction and/or feelings of connection to people is quite a bit different.

The biggest change in my emotional landscape is that I’ve been stuck in the past for about a month now, like really deep in there.  This has happened countless other times, but never for this long or this constant.  And when it would happen in the past, it could be enjoyable briefly, but I’d inevitably end up in a funk, and I’d have to make a conscious decision to stop and pull myself out.  This isn’t happening this time.  It’s actually been super productive because I’ve been channeling it into writing.  I don’t know if it’ll end up as anything worthwhile, at this point, but I already have a lot written, and I’m not showing any signs of slowing down yet!  But yea, it seems like most of my spare time has been devoted to reading old zines, letters, and journals, listening to mix tapes, watching old videos, basically mining my past for nuggets to turn into stories.  And I have so much that, as I said, a month has gone by, and there’s still a lot to glean.

Other changes:  I showed signs of getting my period, today.  Cramping and spotting.  Not sure if it’ll be more than that or not, yet.  (Hope not!)  To be exact (I know I’ll want this for future reference), it’s been 46 days since my last T-shot.  I have not thought about my hairline once, so that’s a big plus!  I’m still getting facial hair at the same rate.  I pluck them all out.  I haven’t felt less sweaty and gross, but also it hasn’t been unbearably hot yet, so, we’ll see.  I was initially hungrier, but that leveled out after a week or so.  I’d say I’m now less interested in food, but still have an appetite, which hasn’t always been the case, so I’ll take it.  I’ve been in more physical pain, but nothing too bad.  I’m worried I’ll lose muscle mass, but so far, so good.  I do feel slightly more fatigued from time to time, like going up stairs at work and stuff.  Nothing too major.

I’ve had some visions of violence.  One day in particular was super bad, like, constant, and I don’t know why.  It didn’t last, thankfully, but yea that stuff is popping in my mind on and off, where I had been violence-free the entire time I’ve been on T.

Between the delving into the past and the visions of violence, surprisingly my anxiety has not increased at all, nor has my mood dropped.  My levels are still pretty much at zero (for anxiety) and whatever number means good mood and energy, which is awesome and I hope is always the case from now until forever.  Maybe I can thank my psychotropic drug for that.

Anything else?  I think that wraps it up.  Things have been… interesting!

2 Comments on “6 weeks since my most recent testosterone shot”

  1. I been following quietly, I went off T 3 years ago, and I lost a crap ton of weight, muscle mass and such, I was 247 pounds on T, I lost 100 of those pounds and waffle between 140 and 145 now, which is about where I was before I started T so long ago. I do still get facial hair, every 2 or 3 days I gotta shave the little stubbles or pull them out until I wuss out and can’t take the pain, it;s mostly on my chin and jawline and neck, face fuzz is one of those permanent side effects from T…. pretty sure you are aware of what is permanent and what will change, your mental health status is the important one, readjusting to a different thought process than when on T, it’s been 3 years and I still get uptight and lack confidence in myself sometimes, or get weirded out… you will always have the ability to think like a dude, and it can take a long time to find that balance, probably different for everyone, Im still grappling with it but it’s getting easier and easier as time rolls by …. that whole thing usually hits when I am out and about in this tiny town then I feel awkward, I hope you are able to find that balance sooner than later… I think that is the hardest thing at least was/is for me… then the whole legal name and gender change on the ID fiasco for the second time arrrggghh, physically tho, it is kinda cool and fun watching your body change … best of luck, I will be following silently, xoxo < is formerly ButchCountry 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • janitorqueer says:

      Hey chaotic-princess, the artist formerly known as ButchCountry! It is sooo good to hear from you! How is Hammy? Thank you for detailing your experience; it really helps to feel connected to others why have gone on and off hormones. Hope you are well, Kameron


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