Tried testosterone for the first time 8 years ago, today

Eight years is a long time! Trying T, even though I wasn’t at all sure I was going to like it, but positive I needed to at least see what it was like, was one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself.

For the first few years, it was a very fine line between feeling very connected to what it was doing for my inner world, versus not wanting any physical changes. I was microdosing, but even still, was on-and-off of it a few times. Later on, I did want some changes, but only up to a certain point, which led me right back to that pattern of being on-and-off. This is still the case – I’m currently off, with plans to go back on at some point (maybe summer?)

I continue to find myself right where I want to be, more so as the years go by. Here’s a description of an interaction I had yesterday that highlights how I’ve hit that sweet spot of in-betweenness:

I was trying to print out some photos at a store. One person started to help me, and then another person also came to help. The two co-workers were talking amongst themselves, referring to me, and one person was using, “he/him/his” and the other person was using, “she/her/hers.” Finally, the “she/her/hers” person got confused and just said, “Who?!” And the other person gestured toward me and said, “Him!” and simultaneously, I just said, “Me!” And no one did any back-pedaling, questioning, or apologizing, which was pretty much perfect.

Ideally, I’d like for everyone who has known me from before I started my transition, to get on board with my nonbinary identity. I realize this is a tall order, so for those people who can’t grasp the nuances, I’d prefer they defaulted to male, “he/him/his.” This isn’t the case across the board, but one can dream right? And then for those who are just getting to know me, I hope they’ll all get that I’m nonbinary, as much as there is space to have those conversations. And then as far as strangers go, I really revel in the mixture / confusion. That’s the best state for me to exist in.

To many more years!

4 Comments on “Tried testosterone for the first time 8 years ago, today”

  1. Ainsobriety says:

    Lol. My kid prefers it when people don’t know. She has moved back towards identifying as female recently. I just try to flow along with whatever she wants. I have tried hard to let go of my personal ties to who she is. That is not mine to own.

    Life is long. People should be allowed to explore their identity in any way they wish.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Luke Atkins says:

    Cheers to nonbinary awareness and empowerment! Y’all are amazing, and I’m so sorry about all that y’all have to deal with. As a gay guy I feel like I have it bad, but the lack of understanding and awareness and support for nonbinary people in society is so troubling! Stay strong and beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Interesting read. As a transman I am often somehow called “transphobic” because I don’t really *get* the whole nonbinary thing or why it seems to be grouped with transgender persons because it appears to be something totally different.. respectfully, of course. I look forward to reading more of your post like this so I can learn and hopefully stop offending every nonbinary person I come in contact with. 😅
    Best wishes to your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

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