I came out at work, redux
Posted: November 30, 2024 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work, Testosterone | Tags: coming out, family, gender identity, genderqueer, kindergarten, lgbtq, non-binary, parenting, testosterone, transgender, work 2 CommentsEight years ago, after a long buildup, I finally came out at work (an elementary school) as trans, and more specifically, non-binary. It was right after Trump had been elected, and before he took office. It feels like a long time ago now. Lots of new staff members have been hired since then; I don’t have reasons or avenues to come out to any of them.
Last week though, an opportunity arose. Er rather, I took something as an opportunity and ran with it. Trump has been elected again, hasn’t taken office yet. It’s a weird-feelings time, to say the least.
An email went out two weeks ago that a teacher wanted ALL STAFF to send her a photo from when they were in elementary school. I didn’t think much about it; I’ve participated in school-wide things from time to time over the years, to varying levels of satisfaction; at this point, I usually just opt out. The next day though, I passed the teacher in the hall and she said, “I need your photo!” I asked, “What is it for?” And she gestured toward the front entryway, saying it’d be posted there. Sure enough, there was a banner saying, “Once upon a time, we were kids too,” and really fun photos were already going up – kids in jumpers with frilly bibs, bob cuts, bowl cuts, polyester blouses with rounded collars…
My gears started turning and I asked my mom if I could stop by to look as some school photos after work. We had a nice bonding moment, looking through old stuff and laughing. I took a 5X7 of my kindergarten picture and also looked for photos from a few years later. Before and after my initial transition, from girl to tomboy, midway through 2nd grade.
In 1987, I was a kindergarten student at the school where I now work. As far as I can recall, I thought of myself as a girl. I looked and dressed like a girl and did girl things (whatever that means).
In 2nd grade, I made a new friend and never looked back. She looked like a boy, sat at the boys’ table, played with boys, and I was thrilled she made an exception for me. As more years went by, I skewed more and more masculine. Er, maybe it wasn’t that linear, but it definitely did start there.
I decided that I was going to submit both photos for the bulletin board. I asked the teacher to put them side by side, with the same number so it was clear they were the same person. (No one was identified by name – only number; maybe it is a guessing game.) She replied that she applauded my bravery and celebrated me, but I’d have to pick just one. That was the rule. If I picked the kindergarten photo, I imagined hardly anyone would know, and people would be shocked in the “reveal,” if that was what we were doing, if they were paying attention. I imagined if I picked the one of me as a bigger kid (guessing I’m 11 here?) people would easily guess, and what I was going for would be completely lost.
My response might have been a bit over the top; suddenly I was feeling very passionate about all this. I said,
“I’m sorry, but I can’t pare it down to just one. This is one small, quiet way I choose to come out, for kids and the school community.
When I originally came out at school 8 years ago, I had to push hard, mostly against the principal at the time, to have my message received the way I intended.
I understand this is a fun way to share who we were as kids.
I will gladly talk further with you in person. I feel resolute about it.
Thanks,
Kameron”
My mind was churning through everything I had already gone through and everything I might have to go through to fight in the future. And will I have less to stand on down the road? As in very, very soon? This was going to have to happen now. It was a lot for a little while there.
Luckily, she replied that she understood and she would get both photos up.
They’re there, amongst about 70 other staff photos. These two are squished and elongated, because they were formatted to fit on one page, but that’s OK – they’re there. And if kids and adults are confused, there are other adults around who can fill in the story (I already heard one story about how this did happen.) I have a history at this school; it’s taken a lot out of me to feel comfortable here, and I only want to be even more out and visible, as opportunities arise.
It’s a conversation starter. A statement. And it’s already led to a chance for me to come out to my newest co-worker; I’ve wanted an in for about 4 months…
Backstory: Toward the end of the summer, we had to tackle a huge, last-minute task, involving lots of heavy lifting, moving, taking legs off tables, setting up desks, etc. I asked my co-worker if she could get started on it the night before a huge delivery – I’d be in first thing the next morning, filling in for my supervisor. She did a lot, and then I did a lot, and when we overlapped the next day, she relayed what she had done, but also how she had hurt her foot, and how she had not done as much as she projected. She said, “I’m not a man!.” And I replied, “I get that.” And she just sort of rolled her eyes at me. I wanted to say, “Here’s how much I get that – I’ve been both. I’ve been doing this job both without testosterone coursing through my veins and then also with this magic muscle elixir making aches and pains vanish out of thin air, everything suddenly lighter, more stamina, shifted center of gravity allowing me to get a whole lot more out of my whole body everything suddenly easier, more tolerable, more doable.” I could have ranted on and on. The differences are huge. But, in the moment, I didn’t, didn’t say anything further, because I didn’t know her well enough yet and although I’d be more comfortable with more people knowing, in theory, there’s always a risk. I let the moment pass.
When I told her last week though, in the context of this bulletin board fun guessing game, she was completely shocked (which always boggles my mind a little!) and very supportive, connecting super hard with me and even sharing that her sister is a transwoman and showing me pictures. And just being with me as I relayed the tiny drama that was getting 2 photos on the board because I wanted to tell a story.
I’m going to continue telling this story whenever it comes up or makes sense to share.
The Future of Queer People in the Janitorial Field
Posted: August 19, 2024 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work | Tags: custodians, janitors, jobs, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, trans, transgender, unions, work force 4 CommentsI got an email from a reader named Ike the other day. They said,
“hi there! found this site killing time before my shift as a fill in custodian for the NYCSSS and it was about exactly what i was looking for lol. I wish my question was more close ended, but basically, what do you think is the future for being queer in a field like this? At the moment, i have only worked alongside someone else even close to my age once (just turned 20), and other than one OTHER person, its pretty much been 30-50 year old cis men on the job. Why don’t queer youth see this is a possible job i guess, even for a summer like i’m doing it. And is it bound to change? As being queer becomes more normalized, will the next generation of janitors be more evenly diverse in that way? And is that even necessarily something wanted? Nothing against being a custodian i’ve actually enjoyed it a lot, but i feel most of my generation has big plans for their future, and being a custodian is very much a local service. Hope you’re well 🙂 “
And it gave me a lot to think about!
I also started in this field at age 20, first on a paint crew for the summers and then as a fill-in cleaner and later full-time. At that time, I also had a hard time because no one else was my age (they were on the paint crew, but not once I started working as a cleaner). I considered going into food service or retail instead so that I could work with younger people and maybe even make friends through work. I also thought that since I went to college, this can’t be enough; I should be looking for bigger things. And I think being visibly queer was a big factor in thinking about all this stuff as well. Things seemed more limited because I wasn’t willing or able to conform. I wanted to be out and loud and proud, but I also very much wanted to be safe and protected and to stay in control. A public-facing job with other people my age was appealing for those reasons, but it also seemed like it was going to be way too much of a drain, knowing how introverted and sensitive to stimuli I tend to be. And so I stayed where I was, sometimes just by default, and grappled with doubts that it was the right choice.
Now, 22 years later, I am so glad that I did stick with this line of work. I found peers and community through other avenues, and work is very much compartmentalized, in a good way. I get great health benefits, an annual raise I can count on, insane amounts of paid time off, and an actual pension when I retire. At this rate, I will be able to retire at age 55, which is starting to become a little bit unheard of these days.
I’ve definitely worked with a lot of older cis men, but over the years, I’ve also worked with many women, people of color, and immigrants from all over the world, including Eritrea, Poland, Barbados, The Philippines, Macedonia, Jamaica, Taiwan, and other countries. And now that I’m older, I’ve even worked with some younger people on occasion; I wasn’t the only one!
As far as queer people going into this line of work, and the trades even more so (plumbing, electricians, HVAC, etc.) though, it can definitely be an upward battle. When there’s a pre-scripted culture of homophobia, misogyny, racism, it can feel confining and stifling, to say the least. It can be flat out dangerous. It most certainly depends on the individual people and whether they’re willing to bend and change. It helps to be in a union. It helps even more to be within a school, in a liberal state and town. I have a lot of protections at work. I have to wear a uniform shirt, but otherwise I can wear whatever I want and look however I want to. The bathroom is a non-issue, my name and pronouns and honorifics are what I say they are. If I were being made to feel uncomfortable, there are a number of channels I could go through – my supervisor, the principal, the union. It might not be sorted out perfectly (from experience, it never is!) but at least there are structures in place, and I have felt supported where it matters.
I sincerely do hope that as being queer becomes more normalized, these standards will spread outwardly into some of the more traditionally masculine fields than the one that I am in. I hope things are bound to change! These types of fields offer stability, decent pay and benefits, upward mobility, and lots of autonomy and opportunities for job satisfaction. When I think about other lines of work that people can get into without much experience or education – food service, retail, piecing together a living through the gig economy – it sounds draining with lots of hustling and scrambling involved. If someone calls out last minute, you might be called in on a day off. If customers are rude, you do your best to absorb it or shield yourself from it. You might have to be potentially available or on call way more than 40 hours a week in order to piece together enough money for that week. The work ebbs and flows; many factors are unpredictable. These statements are all just coming from personal opinion, for sure. It’s all about finding the right fit, and for many people, especially younger people who might be more transitory and looking for temporary situations, these areas of work can be a great fit. For me, it’s been about stability, predictability, independence, and low-stress environments.
I do feel like being a cleaner is a secret dream job, a hidden gem. Too many people might not even consider it because of the low social status. And/or the “yuck” factor. Or it’s just too menial and repetitive. They might even think the work is degrading. I struggled with some of this when I was starting out. Especially because I was working in schools that I had attended, just a few years prior, and was running into teachers and personnel who had know me as a high-achieving student. I even remember thinking (and this is a bit embarrassing) that I was too beautiful (I was fabulous and queer!) to be hidden away at a 1pm-9:30pm shift all by myself with no one around to appreciate my style! Haha.
And so I got out more. I used the late nights to my advantage. I did drag, I saw local bands, I became someone who is seen and known out-and-about. And that’s totally separate from my job, which has its own set of perks – I just listen to music and podcasts all day. I get daily exercise. And I finish with enough time to sit down and get some reading done. All the work stays at work.
If younger queer people are feeling a bit aimless after finishing their education (I know I did!), or are overlapping their school and work life, it would make sense they might be looking into temp work or nothing they have to invest too much into. Being a cleaner can definitely be that, but on top of it, if it’s a government job, it has stability and longevity incentives built into it, so if you just keep finding yourself still there (I did!) it might pay off in the long run! And it’s important to keep dreaming big; having a regular day job (or night job) can really help that inspiration flow, even if that seems counterintuitive. If basic needs are being met without too much effort, the sky’s the limit for what else is possible!
Ten year anniversary of this blog!
Posted: July 24, 2023 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work, mental health, Testosterone, Writing | Tags: gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, testosterone, transgender, writing 2 CommentsTen years ago, today, I started “janitorqueer.” I wanted to write about being queer, specifically genderqueer, and about being a janitor. Mostly though, I wanted to find and connect with others who had similar stories. I wanted to be on testosterone long-term, but I was afraid that it was going to do irreversible “damage” to my body and my life. And before that stage, I was so afraid of even just trying to access testosterone as someone who is nonbinary. I was looking for other people who had traversed that frontier specifically of low-dose testosterone, so low that no one could detect anything going on at all. In the process though, that end goal changed, and my fear of being detected drastically shifted. I am now out in all areas of my life, and I like being pretty loud about it if the opportunity arises. I found other people trying to walk this thin tightrope, but more importantly, I found many many others who dance under this broad umbrella of transgender experiences, and I learned so much from all of these peoples’ writings, more than anything else.
I used to spend 2-3 hours a day reading and commenting on blogs. At the time, it directly fed my soul. And I would write! Write so much, at least once a week, during my “heyday,” which I’ll quantify as being between summer of 2013, and spring of 2018. What changed? Probably a combination of finally feeling comfortable in my skin, and shifting my writing energies toward a memoir. And also going back to my roots of journaling. Been doing a lot of journaling. I don’t think I’ll ever return to this blog with the fervor I once had, but this blog will remain open and public; that I am sure of.
In that first entry I wrote, back on July 24, 2013, entitled “low-dose testosterone for the rest of my life,” I chronicled how being on testosterone had been going so far.
I wrote,
“About 4 months ago, I started a low-dose testosterone adventure. I wanted to take testosterone long term while ideally, not going through any physical changes. I didn’t know whether this would be possible, and I still have yet to find any information about whether it’s possible, specifically. I largely feel comfortable with where I’m at in terms of gender presentation and expression. But I’d been wondering a lot if certain internal experiences could be better. Gradually, I found myself in a place where I realized, I need to try out a few things and see what works for me. I got on a really low dose of Androgel and was completely floored by how well my body seemed to connect with additional testosterone. To me, it feels like it has a whole lot more to do with my mental health than it does with my gender identity, but of course, it’s all intertwined. As of now, I plan to be on testosterone for the rest of my life if possible, while minimizing physical changes. I’m taking testosterone toward androgyny. Although, I’m already androgynous, so I hope to be transitioning (outwardly) toward more of the same, actually.” (If you wanna read the whole post, it is here: https://janitorqueer.com/2013/07/24/low-dose-testosterone-for-the-rest-of-my-life/ ).
What is striking to me now, is this dreadful fear of changing. It clearly was about a coming-out process, but I would not have framed it that way for you at the time. I wrote, about some physical changes I was hoping to dampen, “Other subtle changes have plateaued out, and I stopped worrying so much that I was going to have to choose between coming out in new ways to people I that didn’t really want to come out to, or stopping this thing that I was falling in love with, internally.” I would have said I don’t want to come out because there’s nothing to come out about, at least nothing that makes sense for me in society as it is now. Looking back, that fear had me patrolling my own body in some strange ways. I’m so much louder, fancy-free, and out and proud these days. (Still do patrol my body a bit – don’t want to go bald! but there’s so much more room for my body to just be, now.)
I didn’t know I was going to end up wanting to try all types of doses of testosterone. I didn’t know I’d want to stop and start and stop and start with such (ir)regularity. I didn’t know I’d end up wanting some of the external masculinizing changes. I didn’t know I had the capacity for happiness I now inhabit. If someone had told me I could one day be happy, I would have said, “sure, I guess, this is some version of happiness.” I found something different.
I haven’t written about being a janitor as much as I thought I would. I think that mostly has to do with uncertainty about work stuff, online. But there is one thing I’ve never said about it, and it’s me all the way, so I figure why not? I have never had any career aspirations (outside of being a little kid, when we all do! I wanted to be an artist and a marine biologist). The only other job I could ever envision myself doing is a postal carrier. Except I don’t want to drive the truck; in my fantasy it’s exclusively on foot. Earlier today, I uncovered something I wrote in my journal from March 18, 2003 (twenty years ago! And coincidentally, exactly 10 years later from that date was the first time I tried testosterone!)
I said,
“There’s not much I’m capable of doing right now. I did none of the work for [school] over break, and today in class when we were discussing, I wanted to hurt myself badly. Then I went straight over to the counseling center to see if I could talk to [my counselor] today instead of tomorrow. She’s booked. I want to go home for the rest of the semester. I want to feel safe and secure until this passes.
The reason I want to get a manual labor type job is because I’m at risk of being blocked for an extended period of time. And any sort of brain type job, I’m not always able to do. A manual labor job would be consistent and no brain function working not working. I don’t know how to handle brain right now. This is the second time this has happened so badly. The first time, I truly was severely depressed. I’m depressed now but am able to manage it better. Better at faking, but I’m not doing anything for real. I don’t care about anything. I want to drop out of school. I won’t let myself just lay there, because I know how painful that is. But I can’t get myself to do anything either.
Yesterday I was going to do my midterm. I’m not going to do it anymore. What I did get done is crap. My brain is simply not working in any sort of organized manner. And I’m getting so sick of pretending like I can function. I’m also getting so sick of not functioning.”
At that time, I had been working for my former school district in the summers, on the “paint crew,” mostly painting classrooms and fulfilling more specified work orders. Somehow, I instinctively knew I would/should continue pursuing something similar, as opposed to any career that involved working with others or using my brain to generate good work. I continue to experience “brain function working not working,” all the time – sometimes I can watch complex television shows and listen to dense podcasts and read for fun when I have down time. Other times, all I can muster is staring off into space for extended periods of time. And move. All I can do is keep my body moving, for that forward momentum I need to maintain my stability. This job I have been doing for 19 years now, this cleaning at an elementary school, ends up being a near-perfect fit. It is heavily routine-based, but it doesn’t have to be – that’s up to me. I don’t have to interact or collaborate with anyone, usually. Just doing my own thing, getting exercise, finding various ways to entertain myself. I envision myself retiring from this gig.
Long live being a janitor. Long live being queer.
What cleaning looks like at school during COVID-19
Posted: September 10, 2020 Filed under: Janitorial work | Tags: back to school, cleaning, corona virus, covid 19, janitor, janitors, school Leave a commentToday was the kids’ first day back, and boy did things go differently! I’ve been a school cleaner for 16 years, and, interestingly, I’ve never before had less to do than I do right now. This might seem counter-intuitive, but it’s actually a testament as to how well-planned out things are to account for what’s going on. No amount of planning is going to stop the spread completely, but… well, we’ll see how it goes.
In the district I work for, the elementary level kids are divided into AM and PM groups. That means no more than 12 kids are in a room at a time. Desks are spaced out accordingly. All area rugs, pillows, fabrics are in storage. I suddenly have barely any vacuuming to do. Also, when kids are only there for 2 hours, they make way less mess. They’re there to learn, and not a whole lot else. No recess, no art, no music, no wandering down the hall to get a drink because they are bored / antsy. They generated roughly half as much trash. They went to the bathroom way less. The bathrooms looked like they’d been barely touched.
Also, there are less rooms being used because some teachers are working exclusively remotely.
All this “less” frees me up to focus on disinfecting, which we’re taking very seriously. But it’s not just me and my co-workers. We now have an army of disinfect-ers: teacher aides plus any teachers who want to clean. Anyone who wants to clean things is highly encouraged and we suddenly have a ton of supplies to make that happen.
We have stations set up for any adults to grab stuff to clean. There’s hand sanitizer everywhere you look and signage for kids so they remember how they now have to be, while they are here.
Things are always in really good shape after the first day of school. Kids are on their best behavior and don’t mess up much stuff. But this year, it was to an extreme. We’ll see what the next few days / weeks / months bring…
Getting back to work
Posted: May 28, 2020 Filed under: Janitorial work, Writing | Tags: corona virus, covid 19, janitors, job, jobs, manual labor, school, work, writing Leave a commentThis has been the longest stretch of not posting since I started this blog – something that would have freaked me out not too long ago, but so many things have changed lately, it feels like some of my priorities have shifted. Which isn’t to say I’m going to stop writing here! Just that I’m not going to force it. I have instead been writing frequently in a journal about daily life and what I’ve done to fill my time, since I stopped going to work on March 13th. Those entries are too boring for the public, haha.
photo by Jess Kamens, @jesskamensphotography
I went back to work yesterday. That was 75 days out of work! So far, it’s been totally fine. We are only doing 4 hour shifts, and I am staggering it with my co-workers. So, in a job where I’m almost always alone, I am even more alone now. We’ll see if that changes when teachers have a chance to come in, which will start next week. So far I’ve just gone around and flushed all the toilets since it’s been so long since any water has been running. I went ahead and cleaned them while I was at it. (Some hard water buildup on the porcelain.) Then I flipped over area rugs, vacuumed them while upside down (gets a lot of sand out of them – I work at a school that is basically on sandy bluffs.) and moved them into the gym. And now I’m on to cleaning cafeteria tables. I wear gloves and a paper mask. Sometimes I take off the mask when there’s no chance of other people approaching me. It’s hot. Also, I wash my hands with the gloves on pretty frequently. I’ve never heard of that as a thing, but I don’t know why not!
It’s comforting that everything was right where I had it when I left. And that we are all in the same boat. There have been other occasions where I’ve been out of work long term (after top surgery, after psychiatric hospitalizations), and in those cases, I had no idea what I was coming back into, or sometimes even who would be there. This time, it feels like there is no pressure at all. We might not do everything we normally do during the summers. We will just wait and see.
I’m trying to feel out if I like working these short shifts better than not working at all (the added structure is nice, and the built in physical activity) for future reference. It’s hard to say at this point. I’m still transitioning. Other than this though, everything else is still the same, in my book. I’m still only going to the store every 2 weeks. I’m still only seeing people in outdoor spaces, at least 6 feet apart, with a mask on whenever possible (like obviously, not while eating or drinking). I’m recording my radio show from home, doing telehealth appointments, spending lots of time biking, hiking, and sitting in the nice weather staring off into space. It feels like others are suddenly less cautious, as the weather got nicer and as restrictions eased up. That doesn’t make much sense to me, so I’m gonna just keep doing what I’m doing, which now includes working M-F, 11:30am – 3:30pm (loving this shift!)
Bathroom anxieties: a genderqueer janitor’s perspective (pt. 3 / summer edition)
Posted: August 22, 2018 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work | Tags: anxiety, coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, janitors, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, school, testosterone, trans, transgender, work 1 CommentThe bathrooms (all except for two) at the school I work at are getting a complete makeover this summer! (This is only a part of the remodeling / demolition that’s been going on – it’s been a fairly chaotic and atypical few months. Most of the time it feels like, how is all of this going to be completed by September 4th?!)
Here’s a quick rundown of the bathroom count:
3 boys gang bathrooms
3 girls gang bathrooms
1 mens staff bathroom
1 womens staff bathroom
2 gender-neutral staff bathrooms
1 girls gym teacher bathroom
1 boys gym teacher bathroom
1 nurse’s office gender-neutral bathroom
7 classroom gender-neutral bathrooms
2 girls single-use bathrooms
1 boys single-use bathroom
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that my workplace has more bathroom options than pretty much anywhere else, ever. As a genderqueer person, I have never stressed out about where I was going to go pee. Never, until this summer. All bathrooms are out of commission except for one girls gang bathroom and one boys gang bathroom. “Gang,” in this case, means that more than one person can enter and use the bathroom at a time. I am missing my gender-neutral option!
Before I came out at work, I was using both womens and gender-neutral bathrooms. After I came out at work, I gradually transitioned to only using gender-neutral bathrooms. One good thing about all this upheaval is that when they’re done, there will be 4 more gender-neutral bathrooms than there had been previously. !!! !!!
Until then though, I’ve had to make some tough decisions. As the bathroom options started to shrink (due to demolition), I was getting creative, for a while. For example, I realized there was still a toilet not yet destroyed in on of the classrooms, and I was using that for a while. My co-worker, who knew I’d been only using gender-neutral options, asked me, “So which bathroom are you going to use?” Being semi-facetious, I replied, “I’ll use the womens for #1 and the mens for #2.” And I actually was doing that for a while.
But then I started running into other people who were also using the bathroom as the pickings got slim. And I started getting nervous. I’d rather people saw me as male and used he/him/his pronouns for me than not. Some people get that I’m neither, and that’s great, but I don’t need the whole school understanding this nuance. Things have been so much better for me since coming out; I just want to keep up that momentum.
So I made a stark, black and white decision, that I was going to use the boys gang bathroom, no matter who was around or who wasn’t around. It was tough to wrap my head around because, since top surgery, coming out, and being on a regular dose of T (in that order), I’ve been in all sorts of bathrooms depending on the context, how I’m feeling, and what the options are. But I STILL prefer and gravitate towards womens rooms. And I STILL have not been stopped or questioned once.
But, in this case, I’ve been feeling like I gotta do this because I’m trying to assert and simplify my identity so everyone gets the picture / is on the same page. It’s been working. Almost everyone (except my former supervisor who keeps leeching onto the building) uses he/him/his pronouns for me. Essentially, I haven’t been wanting to confuse people or have them question where I’m at. Even the contractors – all of them have been calling me “buddy,” and that actually feels really good!
It defintely has been nervewracking though. A few times, I almost ran into the girls room when I heard that someone was in the boys. I’ve never been in a mens/boys room with other males. (Er, actually, maybe a handful of times when I was traveling in Turkey, but that’s it.) But I stuck it out and passed them at the urinal in order to use the stall. Or was in the stall and heard them using the urinal. Or at the sink, etc. I went into the boys room while B&G (buildings and grounds – for the district) workers were around, while my co-workers were around, while (female) teachers were around.
And in the end, it’s all been OK. (It was a little less nerve-wracking, overall, because contractors were made to use a port-a-potty outside. Sucks to be them!) All I mean by that was that there were way less males using the school’s boys bathroom.
As soon as I can though, I will be right back in those gender-neutral, single stall bathrooms, which will be all over the place!!!
Wanna see other posts I’ve made in this series? Here they are:
Bathroom anxieties: a genderqueer janitor’s perspective
Bathroom anxieties: a genderqueer janitor’s perspective (pt. 2)
Oh, and, as always, I’ve been all over both the girls and the boys bathroom, in order to clean them, daily.
Janitors in pop culture #4
Posted: April 23, 2018 Filed under: Janitorial work | Tags: career, depression, drunk, drunk driving, janitors, job, manual labor, media, movie, movie review, science fiction, stereotypes, work 5 CommentsI haven’t written one of these since 2014! That’s way too long! My spouse and I just watched Another Earth for the second time, and I had forgotten that the protagonist, Rhoda, is a high school janitor. Heads up – this post might contain spoilers! And also, although I’m being critical and having fun with it (the portrayal of a janitor), I actually really do love this movie (hence, the wanting to watch it for a 2nd time!)
She doesn’t start out as a janitor. She’s a promising student that just got accepted to MIT, but her path takes a sharp turn when she kills a wife and child in a drunk driving accident. She spends the next four years in prison, instead of college, and when she gets out, she struggles with even wanting to be alive. When talking to a social worker about a job placement, she says,
“I don’t wanna really be around too many people or do too much talking.”
And that is, in a nut-shell, what being a janitor is all about! She gets placed at West Haven High School. We see her in a bunch of scenes at work. I’ll try to break it down a bit:
Uniform: She’s wearing workboots in the style of Timberlands. She has a hoodie and a full-body jumpsuit on over that. Plus a beanie. It is winter, but this is what she’s wearing while working in the building, and she is WAY overdressed! I’d be sweating bullets in this get-up, plus the footwear is too heavy-duty. Even running sneakers would be better – you do a ton of walking as a janitor. I wear a t-shirt, pants, and sneakers, and I still get hot – school buildings are usually kept super warm.
The Work: We see her pushing her cart through the building, mopping halls, and scrubbing at bathroom grafitti. This is fairly realistic, although where I work, we have an auto-scrubber for halls, and I’d never use that much elbow-grease on anything the way she’s going at that grafitti – I’d blow out my ligaments! I already struggle with “tennis elbow” from regular repetitive motions. Not worth it!
Storyline: There’s a sub-plot where her co-worker, Purdeep, is noticeably blind, and you’re left wondering how he gets his job done without seeing. Then, one day, Purdeep isn’t there, and Rhoda asks about him. The reply? He’s not coming back because he poured bleach in his own ears. This was the 2nd incident – he had previously blinded his own self by pouring bleach in his eyes.
“He said he was tired of seeing himself everywhere.”
Later on, there’s a scene where Rhoda visits him in the hospital, and she writes letters on the palm of his hand in order to communicate with him. It’s a tender connection, but other than that, I’m not sure what’s being coveyed through this other than here was a janitor who incrimentally lost his mind and self-destructed. ???
There’s one other scene, early on, that I think is really relevant. She runs into an old classmate at a corner store, and from his demeanor, it’s apparent he’s super surprised to see her, and he knows all about what happened to her, going to prison and everything. Their dialogue reads, starting with him asking,
“So, are you working?”
“West Haven High.”
“Yeah? What do you teach?”
“I clean.”
“What?”
“I clean the school.”
“Oh, that’s cool. …That’s probably very … therapeutic.”
It might not be apparent from the words, but his tone is sooo condescending, his classism is really shining through. I often tell people that I’m a janitor, and I feel fortunate I don’t come up against this kind of bias, generally. But there was a long period of time where I did feel shame about my job, especially because I work for the same school district I went to school at, and I too was a “promising” student, and I actually did go to college (and not prison), and I would brace myself for those moments where I might run into someone I knew from school.
The custodial door
Posted: February 27, 2018 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work, name change | Tags: coming out, genderqueer, legal name change, lgbtq, manual labor, name, queer, school, trans, transgender, work 8 Comments
Here it is, finally! Photographic proof that my name plate finally arrived the way I want it, after many delays and a mix-up. If you want to read about the backstory, here are two past posts:
From December: The “Mx.” got way delayed
From last January: I came out at work, cont’d
The short version is that I asked for the Mx. a year and 3 months ago, following my legal name change. A full year passed before anything happened, and it came through as Kameron [last name], which was not what I wanted. So I talked to the principal again, and luckily, she was pliable. A month ago, I saw a name plate in the admin. assistant’s trash (only because I empty her trash), that said, Ms. [last name]. Meaning, that Staples messed it up even though it got submitted the way I wanted it. Another week passed (during which time I was wondering if I’d have to check back in with the admin. assistant or not. Glad I just waited.) and, finally, there it was, on the custodial door.
!!!!!
Bathroom anxieties: a genderqueer janitor’s perspective (pt. 2)
Posted: February 20, 2018 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work, Passing | Tags: bathrooms, coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, janitors, lgbtq, manual labor, non-binary, queer, school, trans, transgender, work Leave a commentWithin a week of me coming out at work, a new protocol had been put in place for how we should go about cleaning bathrooms. And for the first time, it applied to all cleaners in all bathrooms, not just guy cleaners going in women’s /girl’s bathrooms, or gals going in the men’s / boy’s. The timing of it was not lost on me.
1. First, call out to see if anyone is in there. If they are, wait.
2. Next, take a sign that is now velcro-ed to the back of all bathroom doors, and velcro-adhere it to the front. This sign reads, “Do Not Enter. Cleaning in Progress.”
3. Close the door, and then do whatever you’re doing, whether it’s just loading more paper towels or full-on cleaning the bathroom.
Before this, we only had to be conscious if we were in bathrooms that were opposite to the ones of our gender/sex.
When I came out to the principal and assistant principal, one of the first and only questions they asked was about bathrooms. Which bathrooms did I plan on using? If she (the principal) could make a suggestion, it would be best if I only used the gender neutral bathrooms. I was polite in response, even though I had not thought this through, and at the time, I used both the women’s bathrooms and the gender neutral bathrooms. All I said was, “A lot of people are worried about bathrooms when it comes to trans-people.”
As it is, a year later, I really only do use the gender-neutral bathrooms because different people within the school have different perceptions about where I’m at, and I want to protect myself and also foster the idea that I am neither male nor female. I didn’t plan on this. I thought I’d be continuing to use both women’s and gender-neutral ones. But I’m not.
I clean one set of bathrooms in the “centrum,” an open plan area where the first graders are taught – there are 3 regular classrooms, 2 resource classrooms, a big open area, and two bathrooms. These bathrooms don’t have doors on them, and also therefore, there are no, “Do Not Enter, Cleaning in Progress” signs accompanying them. Since I do get a head start while the first graders are getting ready to go home, I always yell, “Anyone in here?” even before just dumping the trash / cleaning the sinks. (Due to placement, there’s no way I’d encounter someone using the restroom from the sink area.)
A few days ago, I was doing my routine and called out like always. No one answered. I was putting in a new roll of paper towel. Then I heard a toilet flush. Also a bunch of kids were to the immediate right of this bathroom, putting on their winter coats and boots. I finished loading the paper towel, deciding that it would have been a bigger deal if I had just left it half loaded in my paranoia to escape the bathroom. The girl washed her hands and then I ripped off a piece for her to dry her hands.
Kids who were right there had a very lively conversation!
“There are no boys allowed in the girl’s room.”
“And also no girls allowed in the boy’s room.”
“But why is he in there in the bathroom then?”
“He has to be in there because that’s his job.”
“He’s putting more paper towels in there.”
“But still are you sure he can be in there?”
I just cleared out without further fanfare, but I felt kinda flustered. Personally, I still feel like I half belong in the girl’s / women’s bathrooms. Indeed, those are the ones I use the vast majority of the time when I am out in public.
I was intrigued that these first graders gathered that I was male. I honestly have no clue whether kids at the school I work at think I’m male or female. Whenever I’m asked (this happens so rarely), I do make a point to say, “I’m neither. I’m a little bit of both.” But short of that, I don’t have a clue what conclusions they come to!
One other thing that is tangentially related, I feel, because it concerns personal space: Since I’ve come out, had top surgery, and been on testosterone for long enough that my physique and how I carry myself has changed, I get touched a lot more at work. Some teachers pat or gently tap my shoulders and back. A few days ago, I was thrown way off when a kid patted my midsection for no apparent reason! It’s definitely different, and I don’t respond likewise with anyone, but I gotta say that I do think it’s a positive change – I think people can tell that I am more comfortable in my skin, and some of them act accordingly.
I’ll take it!
If you’d like to see what I originally wrote about this topic, back in January of 2014, here it is:
Bathroom anxieties: a genderqueer janitor’s perspective
I decided to write a Part 2 because this one felt outdated. And I still haven’t covered everything, not by a lot shot! (probably part 3 will appear in the future…)
janitorqueer 