Trying to get out of the fog, back to the party

I’ve been on testosterone (very low-dose) for a little over 6 months now, and in some ways, that was the best 6 month streak I’ve ever had.  Now, I find myself crashing, in some very familiar ways…  Did I think I was now immune to these lows?  I’m not sure – I’ve felt more “normal” than ever before lately, so yeah I think I figured maybe my “highs and lows” would not vary as much as they have my whole adult life.  But I think they’re still a pretty big part of me.

At age 17, I was diagnosed as bipolar.  By 23, I was seriously questioning that, and slowly getting off all my meds, and deciding that I had been misdiagnosed.  I’m certain of that by now.  But, I’m pretty sure I do have some ups and downs that are outside “normal range.”  I also have a tendency to just emotionally shut down to avoid the whole feeling things in the first place (not fun!) .  Being in therapy recently has helped me avoid shut-down mode.  So has testosterone.  I think.  Maybe.

I’ve been pretty down for the past few weeks.  But, relatively, it’s not that bad.  In the past, I’ve experienced bouts of depression that have lasted roughly 4-6 months at a time and have left me basically non-functional.  Currently, I’m pretty much normally functioning.  I’m just not getting much enjoyment out of things, and I’m dreading anything upcoming in the near future.  Like, really dreading.  Also, interestingly as per my unfaltering optimism, I believe this fog is going to lift any day now, and I’ll get right back into things.  We’ll see about that.

It’s just… kind of a bummer.  The first few months on testosterone were a really fun mix of elation, warm and fuzzy, cozy, euphoria, sexual energy, confidence burst, and anxiety-be-gone!  Now it’s feeling like… party’s over!  But, again with the optimism, I think that as soon as I navigate out of this gloom, the party will still be there, waiting for me.