Working on Letters for My Aunts
Posted: March 3, 2014 Filed under: Writing | Tags: coming out, family, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, parents, same-sex marriage, trans, writing 5 CommentsLately, I’ve been focused on coming out to more of the people who are in my life, and also reaching out to some family members who have not really been in my life – seeing what’s going on for them, hope that they might respond to what’s going on for me. Mainly, my dad has 4 sisters who all have their own nuclear families, yet I really don’t know much about them and vice versa. So I’m working on composing emails to send to them, and from there, they can forward and/or talk about it with their family members.
Traditionally, I’d see them about once a year, at the holidays (and we’d never really talk about our lives). But this year, I didn’t even see them then. I really can’t say why, except that it feels like there’s a chasm that keeps getting wider and deeper, in the place where my dad might have built a bridge, a long time ago. It seems generally natural that one’s parent would be the link between the child and that parents’ extended family. That is strongly the case with my mom and her side of the family, at least. I never told any of them that I am gay (that’s not really all that accurate), that now I have a partner, that now I’m planning to get married, that now I am married, etc. My mom did all that for me, and then I (and we, my partner and me) just show up to extended family gatherings and feel accepted and included, even if none of this information is directly talked about. I most recently asked my mom to add “please use male pronouns, he doesn’t identify strongly with either gender, and he’ll be glad to answer questions if you’d like to ask,” to that list of stuff she conveys on my behalf to her side of the family. It has been an effective system thusfar, although this newest bit of info might throw some people for a loop. I’ll just have to wait and see…
My dad, however, does things very differently. I’m pretty sure he believes that things that did not happen to him firsthand are not for him to share. But there are definitely exceptions to this, so maybe another part of it is, if he feels awkward about it, it’s not for him to share. And maybe he feels awkward about most things. As far as I’m aware, no one on his side of the family knows that I am gay (although they could easily guess, and again, not accurate!), that I have a partner, that we planned to get married, and that we got married. My partner has never met any of them. Like I said, I’ve been seeing them once a year, but this year my parents went without me, and I think it has quite a bit to do with the fact there is too much unsaid information that’s recently happened and is piling up.
So, I’m going to break this bizarre pattern by telling my aunts and their families everything I’d like them to know about me and ask them about their families, in a grouping of 4 (almost) identical emails, one for each of them. Plus a written card for my grandpa because he doesn’t have an email address. It is psychically difficult. I’ve had this plan vaguely for about 3 months, and more seriously for about one month. And I’ve been putting it off. But this week feels like the week. I may be going to visit my grandpa next Sunday (because I talked to my mom about all of this, and she talked to my dad, and he then told me of when he was next going to visit, to which I replied, “Maybe I’d like to go”), so I wanna get this info out there!
In other news, I’m currently in the process of editing a piece for an anthology called Letters for My Siblings. It’s not a definite at this time, but it’s looking very promising that my piece will be included!!! Which is a huge deal for me. I’ve always seen myself as a writer, and I’m starting to feel like I could make something of that! I’m already on to the next thing even; I’m working on a submission for a magazine called “Iris: New LGBTQ+ Writing for Young Adults.” Check it out! Here’s their call for submissions for the next issue.
Continued quest to find a new doctor (a good fit?)
Posted: February 26, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: coming out, doctors, gender identity, genderqueer, health care, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, physicians, testosterone, trans, transgender 11 CommentsI have been seeing a doctor that I don’t like for about a year, in order to access testosterone. I’ll be going to his office tomorrow actually, hopefully for the last time. For a few weeks now, I’ve been actively trying to find a doctor that I would want to go to. My therapist thought she had a good lead on someone who works with trans* patients, but it turns out this person works with adolescents and young adults. Whoa, when did I stop being a young adult?!!!! According to this doctor, it’s when I turned 27.
I really wasn’t sure where to start. As far as I was aware, I had exhausted my resources for trans* specific health care. Ideally, what I’d have done next was turn to all my local trans* friends, and ask them who they see and who they’d recommend. But, I’ve been out of the loop for a while now, and it felt daunting to drop in on a social group or support group just to ask about this. So I turned to my local gay alliance’s resource webpage and wrote down the names of a couple of “LGBT friendly” doctors. I narrowed it down somewhat arbitrarily because, hey, I gotta start somewhere.
I called the first number and left a message. Then called again 2 days later. And again the beginning of the following week. And a 4th time the next day. My faith was waning; it hit me it was probably a really bad sign I couldn’t get through to anyone. I finally got a message back from them, but I’d started to lose interest and was already moving on to the next doctor.
I got through immediately and asked if this doctor was taking new patients? I was told that if I’m a friend or family member of a current patient, then yes. Or if I was being referred to her by a doctor of any sort, then yes. Wait, you need a referral for a primary care physician?!! I asked, “In what form should this referral take? Like a note from a doctor or an email?” “No, you just tell us their name.” I said OK thanks and hung up.
So basically, I can see this doctor through the powers of nepotism and name dropping. (Warning, I’m still highly suspicious of doctors. Doctors, please, prove me wrong!) I felt more determined than ever to see this doctor, just on principal, because I think this policy is fucked-up. She should either be taking new patients or not taking new patients. Period.
I called my therapist (technically, she’s a doctor) and asked her if she would refer me to this doctor. She said sure, she’d do whatever, and that she’s never heard of needing a referral for a PCP. She suggested that maybe I just misunderstood, and they just want to know how I heard about / was referred to this doctor. So when I called back, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, but it was reinforced that yes, I need a verbal referral.
I then said that I have a therapist who will vouch for me. (The term “vouch” was never actually used, but that’s what seems to be going on?) I was then put on hold, and they seemed to be attempting a stalling tactic. She (receptionist) said she is short staffed and busy, could I call back Thurs. or Fri. of this week? I was assured that I’d be able to make an appt. at that time, and I was directed to name-drop whoever at that time.
So I followed these directions and finally got an appointment! (For 3 months from now.) A few days later, a packet of paperwork arrived in the mail, and I immediately opened it and started to peruse. Their pamphlet states, right on the cover, “Designed by Women / Delivered by Women / For Women Like You.”
Whaaaaa? Apparently, I got myself a doctor through a women’s health group without even knowing it! I just have to take a giant step away from this situation and laugh. And laugh and laugh some more.
Is this going to be a good fit? I thought it through quite a bit, and decided that I’m going to try it. And I’m going to make my decision based on the doctor, and not the Women thing. Because really, although I am definitely not a woman, I am closer to a woman in some ways, and closer to a man in other ways. And being at this health center is not going to mess with my identity or psyche or ego.
As long as they can understand what I am saying to them, as long as they can use my preferred name and male pronouns, and as long as I’m getting good treatment, I will be proud to go here.
(And if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out.)
11 months on T without physical changes
Posted: February 18, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, testosterone, trans, transmasculine 4 CommentsToday! I am happy to be able to say that I have not seen any new changes. For reference, here are posts from 5 months and 8 months – There are a lot of specifics in those posts.
The reasons I’m writing so sporadically about my changes on low-dose testosterone are because:
1. I don’t have much to report!
2. I plan on this being a long term endeavor, both this blog, and the actual taking of the testosterone. So, I mean, I can’t foresee the future, but I imagine I’ll be around 4 years from now, 6 years from now, updating about T-changes every once in a while. I do want to document the long term here.
To summarize, I started using 1.62% of Androgel, 1.25g / day. After 2 months, I was getting concerned with the changes I was seeing (however slight they were), so I asked to be lowered to 1%. And have not seen any further changes since then. I have been highly motivated to continue applying the gel every day. For about 6 days early on, I was alternating days (my doctor’s suggestion) in an attempt to slow progress, and I did not enjoy this skipping of days at all! Since then I have not missed a day.
I have been experiencing some incredible internal changes due to the added testosterone in my body. Some were expected (and were the reasons for me to seek it out) and some were a complete surprise.
1. Increased sex-drive (expected)
2. Increased sensitivity to pain, and all physical sensations, actually (surprise)
3. Increased connectedness with my body, decreased gender dysphoria (not totally a surprise)
4. Decreased general anxiety, big time (surprise)
I don’t have any voice recordings or even very many photos, which is partially due to not being tech savvy (I’m trying to learn little by little here), and partially a tactic I’m employing to help myself not obsess too much. But I do realize it means I don’t have much “proof.” *
I’m thinking about making a video at my one year mark. Maybe. If I can figure out how to do that.
I do have these pictures of my face though. I don’t see myself looking more masculine (yet) but maybe I am getting there, very very slowly… Will just have to wait to find out…
five months
eight months
eleven months
eleven months and one day
These last 2 photos are sort of to illustrate how we can look pretty different, just from day to day, from photo to photo. I could spend hours taking photos of myself and most of them I’d probably look at and say, “that doesn’t even look like me!” (Luckily I didn’t do that – it’s sort of a rush job. Also, do I think I look like myself? Not sure.)
* It’s not a goal of mine to prove anything in particular (such as, that taking T long-term without masculinizing changes is possible). But if I find that this is possible, I’ll continue to be very very happy! My main goal is to be out there with a different perspective. A different set of reasons for having started testosterone, and a different set of reasons for wanting to continue. And to see what happens along the way. And to talk with people about it! (OK, so that was more like a 5 part goal.)
The Soft Sell, Part 2
Posted: February 10, 2014 Filed under: Passing | Tags: androgyny, coming out, family, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, testosterone, trans 2 CommentsA couple of days ago, I decided I was going to be more direct in coming out to some people. I’ve had a tendency in the past, to soft-sell the way I identify and my preference for pronouns (in the situations where I have come out), and I wanna change that. So, the next day, I had a conversation with my parents! Definitely not the first of this nature, but this time I asked them specifically to use male pronouns, and I talked to them about some steps I might or might not take in the near future. My mom was supportive, but I have an idea she will have difficulty remembering to use male pronouns. My dad was evasive. His body language told me he was uncomfortable. He would have stayed silent the whole time if I let him, but instead, I asked him, “Dad, what do you think about this?” And he replied, “It doesn’t matter to me.” Which is so vague as to what he means; in the moment I decided to spin it positively by saying, “Yeah, I mean I am still the same person.” Ultimately, it’s exactly how I expected them to react, and I’m not really phased by what they might think. I would just like to see them try. We’ll see.
I feel like now that that conversation is out of the way, I can plan to spread this news to other relatives. I’m thinking of emailing some aunts and their families in the near future because it might be cool to finally talk about myself, haha. Basically, my dad has 4 sisters, and they all have families, and I don’t know much about them, and they don’t know much about me. Even though I see them all at least once a year. We just don’t talk about our lives. I don’t think they even know I’m married, or that I’ve been in this relationship for the past 7 years. I’ll probably start thinking about it more concretely and drafting an email this week!
Oh, also I told some friends who didn’t yet know, that I’m on testosterone. That was fun! They were super supportive (of course) and also pretty curious. And! I just emailed the volunteer coordinator at the local gay alliance (where I have recently started volunteering in the office) to let her know my pronoun preference and to ask her to help me spread the word if pronouns come up in conversation. I felt like I’d really like her (or just someone) to help me with this because 1. I am very reserved and 2. I don’t see many people during my shift, don’t have many opportunities to bring it up in person. I think that she will be a good person for this – she’s super friendly and outgoing and non-judgemental as far as I can tell.
So far, this is pretty fun!
The Soft Sell (Upping the Ante)
Posted: February 6, 2014 Filed under: Passing | Tags: coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, same-sex marriage, Soft Cell, soft sell, testosterone, therapy, trans 6 CommentsI’m thinking differently about coming out to more people, lately. Like, I’m starting to plan for it, as opposed to trying to figure out whether it’s something I want to do or not.
Mainly, I’m thinking about telling some people that I’m on testosterone (and what that means in general and what that means for me), and asking them to use male pronouns from now on, when they refer to me. I could go around doing mental gymnastics about this forever. Do I have a right to impose this on others? (yes!) Do I want to? (not sure) Will others take me seriously? (not sure), etc.
I do not generally pass as male. And I’ve been on low-dose testosterone for almost 11 months, and I still don’t pass. And I plan on being on it for the rest of my life without ever really passing as male. This is what I want; I’m right where I want to be. Except, I feel more male than female, inside, and I want that recognized with male pronouns. Also, I just want to be more visible as being non-binary, and the visual/pronoun incongruence suits me. I could go my whole life without anyone guessing I’m on T (I think). I know that I could go my whole life without being seen how I really feel. And that could be said for a lot of people.
I (sort of) came out to my parents in November. I did this at that point only because I was getting married, and pronouns were going to be used, haha. C’s family consistently uses male pronouns for me – that’s how I was introduced, and how they know me. It’s awesome!!!!! My family does not, and I’d never brought it up to them.
So, in preparation of the getting-married day, I told my parents, over dinner, that I don’t feel like I am either gender, and I avoid pronouns when I can because none of them feel right, but when I have to use them, I prefer male pronouns. I said, “So, I wanted to tell you this because other people use male pronouns for me, and I wanted you to know why, so you would know what was going on.” My mom was nodding emphatically the whole time I gave them the spiel. My dad was making eye contact with the TV rather than with me or my mom. I know he heard me, technically, but I know nothing beyond that.
Yesterday, I was talking about coming out, in therapy. And I relayed/reviewed this scene with my parents (’cause we’d already gone over it, at the time it was happening), and my therapist looked surprised and replied, “Oh, I didn’t realize you had given them the soft sell!” And when she said that, all I could do was visualize Soft Cell (see below) and stare at her, confused. It took me a while to register what she was saying. And I was all, Damn! …but, she’s totally right.
These guys know how to keep a secret.
My parents do not use male pronouns for me now that I’ve explained this to them. I didn’t ask them to. At this point, I don’t actually expect them to because I haven’t told anyone else within their circles, and even I think that would be too weird and uncomfortable for them. BUT! It has made me decide that I want to tell more family members and then start expecting that they will make the change for me. I know it will be hard and I will feel vulnerable. I know some people probably will be able to just switch with no problem, and some people may never actually do it, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t ask.
As of now, here’s what I’m looking at:
Friends / Community – use male pronouns, I feel understood
C’s family – use male pronouns, I feel understood
Work – use female pronouns, about half know I’m married to a female, they probably all think I am a lesbian
My mom’s side of family – use female pronouns, all know I’m married, they probably think I am a lesbian
My dad’s side of family – use female pronouns, use my birth name, no one knows I’m married, they probably think I’m a lesbian
My mom – uses female pronouns, I feel understood (interestingly), knows I’m on testosterone and how I identify
My dad – uses female pronouns, I don’t know what he thinks
My bro – He’s been living in Turkey for 3 years and I have not had much contact. In the past though, he has used male pronouns, I feel understood.
I think that I have a lot of work to do.
Office work and Trans* YA fiction
Posted: January 29, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: gender identity, lgbt, lgbtq, office work, trans, transgender, volunteering, YA fiction, YA novels, young adults 6 Comments
As of last week, I’m now a volunteer at the local gay alliance, doing office work from 10AM-1PM on Fridays. I have never done office work in my entire life. Aside from dropping a call instead of transferring it, I think I did alright. Oh, also, at the end of my shift I walked out without the letters I was going to mail and had to go back, ring the bell, and be let back in to get them. Actually, now that I think about it, I was a condensed bundle of nerves. But I acknowledge that it’s going to get easier really fast, and I can be a friendly person on the phone.
Being in the office made me realize how my mannerisms and movements sort of clash with a tiny, confined space! At my regular job as a janitor, I make big sweeping motions all day long. I work standing up. And when I sit down to take a break, I slouch and sprawl. I was doing this at a tiny desk, only half-realizing while I was mid-act or mid-motion. For example, I was stuffing some letters, and halfway through the task, I realized I was standing up. I think all of this is fine, but I want to watch it because I don’t want to come off as uncaring or aggressive.
I decided to volunteer finally because I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing lately. I don’t particularly care about office work, but I care about the LGBT community and would like to see some of the goings-on. Eventually, my dream is to be the facilitator of the gender identity youth group. Due to my janitorial hours, I’m not able to do this in the foreseeable future, but it’s on my radar. They meet once a week during the evening. I’m at work every evening. But! If one day I get the position of a head custodian, my hours would switch to daytime, and I’d have evenings free. I would like to work with kids in this capacity, even though it’d be super difficult for me, doing all that talking and directing and stuff.
In the meantime, I’ve been reading some YA books that kids thinking about gender identity might enjoy. So far, these have included:
Parrotfish by Ellen Wittlinger – about a high school junior starting to transition from female to male. Focuses heavily on family dynamics and reactions and also issues at school and with his best friend. I read it a year and a half ago, so my memory is a little fuzzy, but I recall the narration being a little bit fluffy, only scratching the surface about what it might feel like.
Almost Perfect by Brian Katcher – Again, it’s been a year and a half since I read this, but I would not necessarily recommend this to a young adult thinking about gender identity. It was definitely gripping and fast paced, but to the point of being sensationalistic. Some moments were poignant and realistic, but others made me want to ask the author, “Did you really have to go there?” It’s about someone who is a stealth MTF high school student, and what happens when her secret is revealed.
Beautiful Music for Ugly Children by Kirstin Cronn-Mills – By far, my favorite so far. It’s a quirky story of someone who is FTM and is able to split aspects of his identity by being a male radio DJ by night, and making progress in trying to come out in his daytime worlds. He has a strong bond with his older neighbor / DJ mentor / friend which just feels realistic and hopeful, even when other connections with people are not going the way he might want.
I am J by Cris Beam – I just got this out of the library yesterday! I’ll have to write about it after I read it.
Has anyone else read some YA fiction they would recommend? I’m hoping to relate to the young kids these days by reading books about them, haha. So that one day I can be a successful youth group facilitator.
We took the plunge!
Posted: November 15, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: agreements, ceremony, coming out, create-your-own, genderqueer, getting gay married, honeymoon, lgbt, lgbtq, marriage, non-binary, relationships, rituals, trans, wedding 2 Comments
We did that thing – we got married! And! In the process of getting married, I came out (sort of) at work! But first thing’s first – we got married on Saturday, at a nearby park with a stream and some little waterfalls. We went to brunch first at a vegetarian Greek restaurant, with all our parents, who had yet to meet(!) after all this time. Then we went to the park from there, where 3 friends, and 2 of my partner’s siblings all met up to do this thing. My partner’s brother officiated, and she and I came up with all the wording ourselves. Everyone stood in a circle, we did a go-around where everyone introduced themselves and said what brought them here, and then we played a song on a boombox. Then C (I’m going to switch to “C” instead of always writing “my partner”) and I gave a 2 part lecture on the nature of love, which probably lasted over 10 minutes! Hope no one was sleeping! After that, we said some “agreements,” in which there was a lot of laughing and we agreed on some things. Then we kissed (a huge deal for me because I can barely get myself to take her hand in public), played another song, and had everyone join hands and do some hippie-like circle formation dancing and spinning. It was pretty great. Then we broke and handed out fancy sodas, like the kinds in glass bottles, and clinked glasses and took some photos.
It was very close to how I pictured it going in my head. Which was a huge relief, because a hang up about getting married at all, for me, was that wedding ceremonies and traditions? I don’t get it, and don’t connect with that, at all. So we created something we did connect with.
Right after, we took off for a fun 3 day weekend in a town about 2 hours away. We went to some restaurants, saw 12 Years a Slave (nice “honeymoon” movie pick), went to some botanical and herbal gardens and an arboretum, went to an art museum, went record shopping, and just relaxed and stuff.
So, nothing really feels different, other than that C can now get on my health insurance! Wheee!
The thing that actually feels like a bigger deal than getting married, is that I told people at work about it. Basically, no one at work knew I was in a relationship until 6 months ago, at which point I told my co-worker, my supervisor, and the head of the kitchen. But… I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years, and I’ve worked there for 6 and a half. And I’ve even wrongly implied that I’m single. So finally, those 3 people knew (I decided to share because I was going to be working closely with them all summer, and thought it was time to be more open.), but there were so many more people I see every day and never ever say a single thing about myself. Teachers, admin. assistants, the principal and assistant principal, the school nurse, etc.
And I didn’t really have a plan or goal to share my news. I was actually planning to (by default) not share. I started last work-week that way, and it just started to feel really shitty. Like, I was about to be getting married, and no one even knew I’m in a relationship. I imagined they could guess I’m gay (I’d prefer queer and genderqueer, but imagine people might think I’m a lesbian), but I’d never said a damn thing. I wonder if one day I will come out as non-binary, genderqueer, trans*, ask for a different pronoun, everything along that line… We’ll see; one day at a time.
So by midweek, I decided to take the risk and share my news. I wondered, how many people would I have to tell before they start spreading the word and I don’t have to do the work anymore? I guessed 5. In the end, I surpassed that goal of 5, and told 10 (and I’m still telling people)! And the word did start to get around; people were coming up to me and congratulating me. People were gushing with excitement and wanting me to bring in pictures for them to see. People had all kinds of questions about what we were going to do. I got a card from the whole school with a gift card in it. The first grade teachers pitched in and gave me a gift basket. It was as if my dark and dreary, mysterious and reserved, shy and distant demeanor at work got a huge boost, and I’ve been trying to run with that.
I could be a totally new person at work (slowly, little by little)! I even took my hat off! (I’ve been wearing military style caps every day as long as I’ve worked there, and it was getting old – I was tired of hats, but I couldn’t seem to get myself to take it off. Now? It seemed like no problem! Hat gone!)
Licensed to wed
Posted: October 27, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: gender identity, genderqueer, getting gay married, lgbt, lgbtq, marriage, marriage license, marriage rights, non-binary, same-sex marriage, trans, wedding planning Leave a commentLast week, my partner and I went to city hall to fill out our marriage license. We didn’t yet (and still don’t) have a definite plan for how we’re going to do this thing, other than we want to do it legally and simply by the end of this year. And then we want to have a celebration with a big bunch of people and include a performance piece in lieu of a “ceremony,” this coming summer.
So the actual getting of the document was a little stressful – we were crunched for time and unsure about how these things go. We gave ourselves time to get down there right when they opened at 9, and then I was going to drive her to work directly from there, by 10. We were the second ones in line and everything went smoothly with filling out the form itself. In the section where you mark either “M” or “F,” it said, “Sex (optional)” which was super fucking amazingly awesome and unexpected and we both purposefully left it blank. My partner joked that it meant sex is optional in a marriage, and they want to make sure you know that going into it.
We brought up the form, and then a clerk basically typed up a new form, from what we had handwritten in. She then asked us to check for errors. We found two and she made the corrections before printing it out, having us sign it, and putting it in an envelope with some other information. It was heart-racing exciting; we walked quickly out of there and talked about how we had time to spare to have some coffee at her place of employment before she started her shift. I kinda did a victory leap down the steps and she laughed.
As we were walking back to the car, we talked about the fact that there had been errors. Then she said, “I hope she didn’t fill in our sex markers.” My stomach kind of dropped, because, honestly, I forgot to check that. She pulled the document out of the envelope, and sure enough, there were two F’s typed into that section. It felt devastating. By this time, we were already in the car. Our meter had run out, and we had no more change anywhere on our persons or anywhere in the car. I started driving away, going back and forth in my mind about the logistics of getting this corrected vs. the importance. In the end, importance won out. My partner felt more flexible, but I needed mine to be blank. So we parked elsewhere illegally, ran back inside, waited (because there was now a line), explained in an out-of-breath manner, crossed our fingers we wouldn’t be charged an additional fee (we overheard it was $10 for later corrections), got the changes made, and didn’t have to pay!
I did a double victory leap off the stairs, and upon seeing a man in a safety vest walking along the cars, sprinted toward ours so I could put the flashers on: just standing, not parking illegally, sir! Turned out he wasn’t a meter maid anyway, and I got my partner to work with zero minutes to spare.
Coming out as “getting married”
Posted: October 13, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: genderqueer, getting gay married, lgbt, lgbtq, marriage, marriage rights, non-binary, relationships, testosterone, trans, transgender, wedding, wedding planning 2 Comments
Hey, my partner and I have been planning on getting married! We finally reserved a venue, this here house, in one of the county parks. It’s starting to feel like a real deal now, that we’re going to be doing this thing… We’ve been “engaged”* for a while now, and at least from my end, I’d been sort of putting off planning / making things more concrete. There’s probably a lot of reasons why that is, and I’ve been de-tangling all of that little by little. I don’t think I’ll be going into all those thoughts here and now (hint: a lot of the thoughts surround the idea that for so long, we couldn’t legally get married anyway, and more recently we can yet so many others can’t, and that’s confusing to say the least), but one thought really stands out as it relates to my current low-dose testosterone adventure: When I started testosterone last March, I really had no idea where I was going to end up! I mean, I thought I would end up very close to where I’ve been at already, but I couldn’t know ’til I tried it. And I still can’t know for sure, but I feel a little more secure than I did six months ago.
In other words, I feel like the possibility to legally transition is floating around nearby me, always. But the first few months of being on testosterone (trying something radically new) was a pretty sure bet for a time period where I might start feeling differently than before.
In some more other words, if I were going to want to legally change my name and gender markers, the early months of being on T was a time period of higher likelihood for feelings like that to emerge, potentially. (Not to mention maybe realizing I wanted to increase my dosage and transition in all ways – physically / legally / socially / etc.) But I didn’t really, feel that way. Which isn’t to say I won’t at any other point in time, of course! It just seemed like a strange time to start planning a wedding, if I was more unsure than normal what name and gender might go on our marriage certificate and other legal documents we pursue together.
Some of that uncertainty started to dissipate over time. I’m feeling really happy with where I’m at. Which is maybe one or two steps away from where I’ve been at before, in terms of my gender identity. I’m not planning on taking a hundred steps closer to being seen as “male.” I mean, my partner sees me as male, as well as all the other shades of gender I want to be seen as, and that’s really what feels most important. I’ve been starting to feel more ready to take some steps with her toward a different relationship identity.
I don’t think I ever directly articulated this to my partner! Guess it’s time for some more conversations! (One of the cool side effects of having a blog, or, you know, writing in general.)
*word is in quotations because it doesn’t feel like this “stage of our relationship” has much to do with what might traditionally be assumed, by being “engaged.” Nor will our “wedding” or subsequent “marriage” resemble much of what the mainstream might assume, by the use of those words… for example, there’s no engagement ring, no plans to combine or share finances, I could go on, but I don’t really want to! Why can’t there just be more word choices?!!
From whimsical musings to invasive ruminations on transitioning
Posted: September 17, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgynous, angst, anxiety, ftm, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, repetition, ruminating, testosterone, therapy, top surgery, transgender, transmasculine Leave a commentFor over a decade, I had been going back and forth hundreds (thousands?) of times in my head about whether transitioning was right for me or not. Or if not every aspect of it, what about this but not that? Will I ever move forward with some aspect maybe? At some point not that long ago, I seemed to come to the conclusion that no, I wasn’t going to move forward because if I were, I would have done something about it by now. And I haven’t, so I’m not. I must be lacking some internal drive, so it must not be something that I need to do. I settled on identifying as genderqueer and trans* but not planning on medically transitioning in any way. And I seemed satisfied with that. (?) But not quite, or, no, not at all actually. Because it was still on my mind. Sometimes just as whimsical musings in the back of my brain. Other times as pervasive/invasive body-dysphoric consistent ruminations.
I guess I always thought that if I did move forward with something, it would be top surgery, and not HRT. Because I never want to consistently pass as male. I want to continue looking androgynous forever. Top surgery could help with that (although I’m fortunate in that I can get away without surgery, and without binding, in hiding what I have). Taking testosterone would be going further than I want to go. So I thought.
I thought it had to be all or nothing. I thought I had to have a case ready about how I need to transition, in order to access testosterone. And I don’t need to transiton, and I really don’t like to lie. I thought I would need a letter from a therapist, and to jump through all these hoops, to access testosterone. And I wasn’t even sure I wanted it! Eventually I reached a point where I just knew that I needed to try it, at some point, just so that I could know. So that at the very least, I could think about it differently or think about it less often, as it relates to a decision about something I should or should not do.
I have this awesome therapist. She doesn’t know much about trans* identities. I’m fairly certain she had not previously had a trans* client before, although I could be wrong. I’d been talking to her about this stuff, and she’d been following along, more or less, in stride. When I would say I need to try this out, she would say, “then why not!” I asked her if she’d write me a letter if need be, and she said she wouldn’t be comfortable doing that; she doesn’t have enough knowledge about it. Still operating under the assumption that I would need a letter, I started also seeing another therapist, basically for the purpose of getting a letter.
This second therapist gave me the name of a doctor during our first session. Turns out that, apparently, I didn’t need a letter! Turns out I didn’t need to convince anyone at any point that I wanted to transition medically. I never once had to lie to get my hands on testosterone. And once I did get my hands on it, I was given the freedom to experiment with the dosing, basically use as much or as little as I wanted. Turns out I want to use as little as possible. Turns out I might be able to stay on it for the rest of my life without looking any more masculine than I currently do (this has yet to be proven, but it’s been 6 months now, and so far, so good). And the internal effects, with this super low dose, are significant and pretty much better than I could have even hoped for.
Basically, for all those years of wondering and second-guessing and processing and feeling anxious and obsessing and daydreaming and doubting myself and ultimately sort of concluding by default that I wouldn’t take any steps forward, actually doing something about it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
And in retrospect, it isn’t like there’s no turning back, to some extent. Testosterone is a slow-moving substance in terms of long-term changes… I’m really enjoying the internal forward momentum though.
janitorqueer 