Just for fun, I decided to go back to an old online diary and see what I had written (if anything) ten years ago today. And there was one dated 2/13/04! At this time, I was a senior in college, I had no plans, and I was trying to rebuild my sense of self after a destructively devastating depressive episode.
I had been in a screenwriting class the previous semester, and had had some difficulty with the class and the professor. We’d had a few miscommunications. For example, I disclosed to him some of my struggles (such as issues with self-injury) in an attempt to get him to understand why I needed to take an incomplete, going to class and doing the work later. As a result, he decided to show the movie Secretary for the class, letting me know somehow (I don’t remember how) that this was his way of connecting with me. But actually, I felt mortified by this.
So what I wrote exactly ten years ago was this:
[The professor} emailed me today, saying he had been reading my “blog,” [which he must have found by Googling his name] and in my head, I was like FUCK, WHAT SORT OF SHIT DID I SAY ABOUT HIM? Oh man. But it turns out I didn’t really say any shit about him, just wrote about a conversation the class had in which I was excluded from the female POV. And I was like, awesome! but in the journal, it sort of sounded like I felt sligted, because I call myself “other.” He didn’t realize I love “other,” so he wrote to me in the email that it is easy to recall times when one has been slighted, but one must also remember times when one’s unique humanity is recognized. (ex. showing Secretary in class.) So I just had to write back that I didn’t feel slighted – I was pleased, rather, to be excluded from being able to speak from a female’s POV. Yeah, I don’t know if this makes much sense, but, he wrote back saying thanks for the clarification, and he also said to keep writing. “Your blog writing shows promise.”
Promise for what?
Even though I was still a long way off from using the words non-binary, genderqueer, or trans* to describe myself (apparently preferring “other” haha), it’s awesome to see I was thinking about it and writing about it.
With this guy, it’ll be just my luck that he’ll find this post somehow and strike up a long-lost conversation with me, haha. College was weird.