One week feels about right – it neither feels like it’s approaching too quickly nor like it cannot come soon enough. I already have everything that the surgeon’s office needs turned in; my to-do list now consists of things I’m trying to think I want to get done before I won’t be able to do stuff for a while: cut my hair, cut my spouse’s hair, cut the grass, purchase extra cat litter because I won’t be able to lift that, do laundry, install the air conditioning unit in our bedroom window… I know my spouse can do a lot of this stuff as it needs to get done, but I guess it feels good to be getting as much out of the way now, while I can. I do not look forward to not being able to do things. I’m going to have to accept it.
I’m also thinking about what, specifically, I will miss. I’m going to take some pictures, but, what’s impossible to capture is how that part of my body feels – both the shape and the sensations. I’m resigned to the fact that I will most likely lose sensitivity in this area, and I wish I could remember it how it is, somehow…
Last Saturday night, my spouse and I went with friends to see The Man Who Fell to Earth. Without giving any spoilers, there was a scene in which David Bowie’s character is undergoing surgery while conscious. Doctors are cutting into his areola with a scalpel, and he is yelling for help. This was like whoa. Unexpected. Hitting a little too close to home. Not making sense, story arc wise (the story arc was less of an arc and more of a jagged pattern-less wave anyway).
I don’t really feel anxious or excited, at least not yet. I’d be into the idea of getting through this without either or those emotions – we’ll see. It helps to read other accounts of impending surgery thoughts and feelings. Such as this post: Last Minute Concerns, from over 5 years ago. And recountings of the process, such as this post, from yesterday: It’s Never Too Late.
I only have 3 more days of work. Then I won’t be back till probably August. That’ll be weird. I wonder what my days will look like, once I’m recovered enough. Will I feel like being creative and getting stuff done, or will I end up just hanging out? We’ll see – I’m not going to make it be anything in particular.
Other stuff has been going on too. My spouse and I visited some extended family on my dad’s side last weekend, most of whom she had not yet met. I sent an email to as many people as I could in advance just mentioning my name change and that I go by male pronouns. I received only one reply, and my expectations were pretty low. Surprisingly though, everyone who said my name used my new name, and there were zero slip ups. It was awesome. I think this’ll help my dad get on board! (He is getting there, slowly… … very slowly…)