1 week till top surgery

One week feels about right – it neither feels like it’s approaching too quickly nor like it cannot come soon enough.  I already have everything that the surgeon’s office needs turned in; my to-do list now consists of things I’m trying to think I want to get done before I won’t be able to do stuff for a while:  cut my hair, cut my spouse’s hair, cut the grass, purchase extra cat litter because I won’t be able to lift that, do laundry, install the air conditioning unit in our bedroom window…  I know my spouse can do a lot of this stuff as it needs to get done, but I guess it feels good to be getting as much out of the way now, while I can.  I do not look forward to not being able to do things.  I’m going to have to accept it.

I’m also thinking about what, specifically, I will miss.  I’m going to take some pictures, but, what’s impossible to capture is how that part of my body feels – both the shape and the sensations.  I’m resigned to the fact that I will most likely lose sensitivity in this area, and I wish I could remember it how it is, somehow…

Last Saturday night, my spouse and I went with friends to see The Man Who Fell to Earth.  Without giving any spoilers, there was a scene in which David Bowie’s character is undergoing surgery while conscious.  Doctors are cutting into his areola with a scalpel, and he is yelling for help.  This was like whoa.  Unexpected.  Hitting a little too close to home.  Not making sense, story arc wise (the story arc was less of an arc and more of a jagged pattern-less wave anyway).

David Bowie film still from The Man Who Fell to Earth. // I do this sometimes, but I don’t have that close-up face mirror. And I don’t tweak my nipples – I cover the whole area with my hands.

I don’t really feel anxious or excited, at least not yet.  I’d be into the idea of getting through this without either or those emotions – we’ll see.  It helps to read other accounts of impending surgery thoughts and feelings.  Such as this post:  Last Minute Concerns, from over 5 years ago.  And recountings of the process, such as this post, from yesterday:  It’s Never Too Late.

I only have 3 more days of work.  Then I won’t be back till probably August.  That’ll be weird.  I wonder what my days will look like, once I’m recovered enough.  Will I feel like being creative and getting stuff done, or will I end up just hanging out?  We’ll see – I’m not going to make it be anything in particular.

Other stuff has been going on too.  My spouse and I visited some extended family on my dad’s side last weekend, most of whom she had not yet met.  I sent an email to as many people as I could in advance just mentioning my name change and that I go by male pronouns.  I received only one reply, and my expectations were pretty low.  Surprisingly though, everyone who said my name used my new name, and there were zero slip ups.  It was awesome.  I think this’ll help my dad get on board!  (He is getting there, slowly…   …   very slowly…)