I’m becoming pussified* by testosterone

Posted: December 3, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

*I made up this word, I think (actually I just looked it up, and I totally did not make this word up), but that doesn’t mean some people don’t like it.  Let me know if you don’t like it; I’ll think more about it.  The root word is “pussy,” which I don’t mean to use in a derogatory way.  More like it has a certain ring to it; it is an accurate descriptor for what I mean to say.  I’m writing about becoming a pussy when it comes to pain, basically.

Also, trigger warning: self-injury

Before I started taking testosterone (about 9 months ago), I had a peculiar, but not really uncommon, relationship to pain.  In many cases, I derived pleasure from pain.  I would create sensations of pain, within my control, in an effort to calm myself.  Also, when I’d hurt myself accidentally like for example, hit my arm on a doorway, I would feel alarm, followed by an adrenaline rush, followed by a pleasant soothing wave.  I think in retrospect, I had a lot of potential to really get into BDSM, except for the fact that before taking testosterone, my sex drive was pretty close to non-existent, so none of that was all that appealing in a sexual context.

Now?  If I hurt myself, it hurts!  If I accidentally ran into a doorway, it would not be pleasant in any way, shape, or form.  I remember the first few times I got hurt in little ways, in the first couple of months of being on testosterone; I was so surprised by how much pain was coursing through my body.  I just felt like, aaaaaah!  I’ve been swearing under my breath and feeling unnerved by how much stuff hurts.

When I’ve been feeling particularly upset or depressed, I will still have the urge or flash-image to self-injure myself, but there is no real desire to follow through with it whatsoever.

I haven’t self injured since last winter, which is so incredible to me.  I hated that it was such an effective coping strategy.  Probably my most effective coping strategy, for about 13 years or so.  I’ve had such a long, complex relationship to self-injury, both as a concept and as it relates to my body.  And I’m so glad to see it changing.

Is pain tolerance a gendered thing?  I’m sure the way people experience pain is all over the map, but are there generalities between genders?  Such as, females have a higher threshold for tolerating pain.  I have no idea, but I’m really curious about it.

And seriously, how cool is it to be living through such a transformation on so many different levels?  Like when I started testosterone, it never occurred to me that I might feel differently about pain and be cured (so far at least) of my self- injuring tendencies!

Telling an old friend about new directions

Posted: October 21, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Recently, out of the blue, I got an email from my childhood best friend.  We’ve been in touch off-and-on throughout our adult life, but I haven’t heard from her in probably about 3 years at this point.  She wrote to me about searching for who she is and what she finds important in life.  I wrote back and similarly talked about recent journeys, finding myself, gender-wise and otherwise.  I wrote about starting testosterone 6 months ago and what that means to me.  I then wrote that if she has questions, I’d be glad to answer them.  (Because I assumed she’d be accepting, but not fully understanding / not knowing how I identify / not knowing much about trans* identities.  She just now responded back, and re: my request for questions, she said,

“I don’t really have any questions about it that you didn’t already answer: that you feel more normal than ever. You feeling comfortable in your own skin is something I have wanted for you ever since we hit puberty. That change is difficult for everyone, but it seemed to wreak havoc on you, as I’m sure it does on everyone who doesn’t fit in the tiny little boxes our society has labeled “girl” and “boy.” It was surreal to watch you struggle with your identity when, to me, you were always YOU. And I did a truly shitty job of being your friend and supporting you at that time.  I’m really sorry.  Now, I just feel so happy to hear that you’re ridding your life of the things that no longer serve you and that you’re finding solutions to elements of your life that never seemed to fit quite right before.”

When I read this, tears started streaming down my face; it’s one of the most touching things someone’s ever written to me.  Largely because she’s saying that she KNEW, and at the time, I had no idea anyone could see how much pain I was in, and I guess I didn’t even see the pain, or, I just did my best to normalize it.  And also because even though I’m not sure how versed she is in trans* identities and gender politics, that actually has no bearing on her knowing what I’m saying.  She knows, because she knows who I am, and that feels so personally connecting, and intensely empowering.

Coming out as “getting married”

Posted: October 13, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

ImageHey, my partner and I have been planning on getting married!  We finally reserved a venue, this here house, in one of the county parks.  It’s starting to feel like a real deal now, that we’re going to be doing this thing…  We’ve been “engaged”* for a while now, and at least from my end, I’d been sort of putting off planning / making things more concrete.  There’s probably a lot of reasons why that is, and I’ve been de-tangling all of that little by little.  I don’t think I’ll be going into all those thoughts here and now (hint: a lot of the thoughts surround the idea that for so long, we couldn’t legally get married anyway, and more recently we can yet so many others can’t, and that’s confusing to say the least), but one thought really stands out as it relates to my current low-dose testosterone adventure:  When I started testosterone last March, I really had no idea where I was going to end up!  I mean, I thought I would end up very close to where I’ve been at already, but I couldn’t know ’til I tried it.  And I still can’t know for sure, but I feel a little more secure than I did six months ago.

In other words, I feel like the possibility to legally transition is floating around nearby me, always.  But the first few months of being on testosterone (trying something radically new) was a pretty sure bet for a time period where I might start feeling differently than before.

In some more other words, if I were going to want to legally change my name and gender markers, the early months of being on T was a time period of higher likelihood for feelings like that to emerge, potentially.  (Not to mention maybe realizing I wanted to increase my dosage and transition in all ways – physically / legally / socially / etc.)  But I didn’t really, feel that way.  Which isn’t to say I won’t at any other point in time, of course!  It just seemed like a strange time to start planning a wedding, if I was more unsure than normal what name and gender might go on our marriage certificate and other legal documents we pursue together.

Some of that uncertainty started to dissipate over time.  I’m feeling really happy with where I’m at.  Which is maybe one or two steps away from where I’ve been at before, in terms of my gender identity.  I’m not planning on taking a hundred steps closer to being seen as “male.”  I mean, my partner sees me as male, as well as all the other shades of gender I want to be seen as, and that’s really what feels most important.  I’ve been starting to feel more ready to take some steps with her toward a different relationship identity.

I don’t think I ever directly articulated this to my partner!  Guess it’s time for some more conversations!  (One of the cool side effects of having a blog, or, you know, writing in general.)

*word is in quotations because it doesn’t feel like this “stage of our relationship” has much to do with what might traditionally be assumed, by being “engaged.”  Nor will our “wedding” or subsequent “marriage” resemble much of what the mainstream might assume, by the use of those words…  for example, there’s no engagement ring, no plans to combine or share finances, I could go on, but I don’t really want to!  Why can’t there just be more word choices?!!

From whimsical musings to invasive ruminations on transitioning

Posted: September 17, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

For over a decade, I had been going back and forth hundreds (thousands?) of times in my head about whether transitioning was right for me or not.  Or if not every aspect of it, what about this but not that?  Will I ever move forward with some aspect maybe?  At some point not that long ago, I seemed to come to the conclusion that no, I wasn’t going to move forward because if I were, I would have done something about it by now.  And I haven’t, so I’m not.  I must be lacking some internal drive, so it must not be something that I need to do.  I settled on identifying as genderqueer and trans* but not planning on medically transitioning in any way.  And I seemed satisfied with that.  (?)  But not quite, or, no, not at all actually.  Because it was still on my mind.  Sometimes just as whimsical musings in the back of my brain.  Other times as pervasive/invasive body-dysphoric consistent ruminations.

I guess I always thought that if I did move forward with something, it would be top surgery, and not HRT.  Because I never want to consistently pass as male.  I want to continue looking androgynous forever.  Top surgery could help with that (although I’m fortunate in that I can get away without surgery, and without binding, in hiding what I have).  Taking testosterone would be going further than I want to go.  So I thought.

I thought it had to be all or nothing.  I thought I had to have a case ready about how I need to transition, in order to access testosterone.  And I don’t need to transiton, and I really don’t like to lie.  I thought I would need a letter from a therapist, and to jump through all these hoops, to access testosterone.  And I wasn’t even sure I wanted it!  Eventually I reached a point where I just knew that I needed to try it, at some point, just so that I could know.  So that at the very least, I could think about it differently or think about it less often, as it relates to a decision about something I should or should not do.

I have this awesome therapist.  She doesn’t know much about trans* identities.  I’m fairly certain she had not previously had a trans* client before, although I could be wrong.  I’d been talking to her about this stuff, and she’d been following along, more or less, in stride.  When I would say I need to try this out, she would say, “then why not!”  I asked her if she’d write me a letter if need be, and she said she wouldn’t be comfortable doing that; she doesn’t have enough knowledge about it.  Still operating under the assumption that I would need a letter, I started also seeing another therapist, basically for the purpose of getting a letter.

This second therapist gave me the name of a doctor during our first session.  Turns out that, apparently, I didn’t need a letter!  Turns out I didn’t need to convince anyone at any point that I wanted to transition medically.  I never once had to lie to get my hands on testosterone.  And once I did get my hands on it, I was given the freedom to experiment with the dosing, basically use as much or as little as I wanted.  Turns out I want to use as little as possible.  Turns out I might be able to stay on it for the rest of my life without looking any more masculine than I currently do (this has yet to be proven, but it’s been 6 months now, and so far, so good).  And the internal effects, with this super low dose, are significant and pretty much better than I could have even hoped for.

Basically, for all those years of wondering and second-guessing and processing and feeling anxious and obsessing and daydreaming and doubting myself and ultimately sort of concluding by default that I wouldn’t take any steps forward, actually doing something about it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

And in retrospect, it isn’t like there’s no turning back, to some extent.  Testosterone is a slow-moving substance in terms of long-term changes… I’m really enjoying the internal forward momentum though.

chiropractic care shifts since taking testosterone

Posted: August 27, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’ve been going to a chiropractor about once a month for over 5 years.  I have mild scoliosis; my back goes out of alignment in a way that always throws my hips off.  Plus, working as a janitor requires a lot of repetitive motions – I try to alternate between right and left as much as I can, but I know I’m skewing to the right anyway.  I want to do whatever I can to prevent ever having a back injury.

My doctor noticed the scoliosis when I was 13 and treated it by having me wear a lift in my left shoe.  Is this really a treatment for scoliosis?  I’d been wearing the lift my whole life right up till seeing this chiropractor.  He immediately said I didn’t need it.  He was definitely right.  The appointments always go the same way.  He uses the same motions and tools to put me back into alignment.  It is a very short amount of time.  I can feel the improvements every time I walk out.  Sometimes I’m doubtful about how long the effects last though, when I’m going right back to the same tasks every day…

I had an appointment two weeks after starting testosterone, back in April.  The routine seemed slightly different, and he commented I was looking good.  I wasn’t planning to, but I mentioned the testosterone.  I figured he might have some questions – at least ask me why I was taking it.  I’ve never said anything about how I identify to him; he’s totally cool though.  I imagine he’d totally take it in stride.  He didn’t ask though.  All he said was, “testosterone will do wonders for muscle mass, but we’re looking at your whole system here.  Your spine works in tandem with muscles, joints and ligaments – it’s also connected to every single internal organ.”  I think he went on, but I didn’t really catch it all because it sounded like jargon of the profession to me.  He was just laying the groundwork to let me know it is important I keep coming.

I am really debating though.  I’ve gone 3 more times since then, and I don’t seem to be nearly as far out of alignment as I was before the testosterone.  I can’t know for sure because I can’t quite see what he’s doing and I don’t know enough about it.  But I’ve been feeling like it might not be necessary.  And he’s said more things to the effect of, it’s important to keep fine-tuning your body.  Like one time he told me an extended metaphor about not even Yo Yo Ma being able to play well with a shitty, out-of-tune cello.  Or something.

I never thought testosterone would change anything about my back, but it does make sense.  If I’m developing some muscle strength to balance things out, I might be able to hold the alignment better.  I do think my core muscles have shifted, so that if my back is a lever, it has become a slightly more efficient lever than it was before.  That is so cool!  I’m still going every month in the meantime, but I’m trying to figure out whether I want to continue or not…

five months on T without physical changes

Posted: August 18, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I’m happy to report that outward changes continue to be extremely minimal!  I’m going to focus on the most noticeable internal-experience changes, now that it’s been a good chunk of time and it feels like these changes are here to stay.

Pain:  I was in quite a bit of constant physical pain, mainly joint pain in my hands and arms, probably from repetitive motions at work and/or not eating enough.  Instantly, that was gone.  In addition, I’m just kind of suddenly getting a little bit stronger and work is way easier.  Also, I’m experiencing sensations of pain a lot differently than before.  Like, it’s unpleasant!  Whereas before, the constant joint pain was unpleasant, but certain types of pain (basically, self-inflicted) were pleasant and/or comforting.  I’m not going to say I’ll never self-injure again, but it does feel so far away from where I’m at right now.  That is so amazing to me.  I hated that I did that, even very recently, quite a lot.

Hunger:  Hasn’t ended up being sustainable unfortunately, but seems worth noting.  I felt hungrier for about one week, early on.  I thought eating was a worthwhile thing to do.  Briefly, I had chemical signals connecting food with pleasure centers in my brain; It was awesome!  Like, I would think about and look forward to getting to eat.  I would prefer certain things over other things, by a lot.  That quickly dwindled back to my normal feelings and attitudes about food, which are not very exciting.  Not at all.  Sometimes eating is a real chore, in fact.  The one thing that feels different now is that if I skip eating at a time I usually eat at, I will feel more motivated to catch up.  In that way, I will feel hungrier if I don’t eat.  That wasn’t really true before.  Also, I’ve gained 5 or 6 pounds, which manifests in the one externally noticeable physical change going on – muscle growth, mainly in my arms, shoulders, pecs, and abs.  Really psyched about this.  Can’t go wrong with more muscles!

Warm and Fuzzy:  I just feel cuddly and cozy.  I feel connected to my body in a way I never have before.  It’s really hard to describe, but I’m sure people can relate.  Like, my clothes feel soft on my skin.  Like, I’m walking on pillows and clouds, yet paradoxically, I feel totally grounded.  Like, I had no idea how jagged and disconnected I was before; I had nothing to compare it to.  These sensations have been dwindling over time – I think I’ve been getting used to them.  Like the clouds are not quite as soft and pillowy as they were at first.

Sex Drive:  Having a sex drive I can relate to is awesome.  Being able to have sexual thoughts and have that be connected to a body sensation.  My body responding to sexual stimuli.  Having totally different sensations everywhere on my body than I used to, in a good way.  Clitoral growth, which means actually being able to feel and experience erectile tissue sensations.  Previously, junk was so small and sensitive in a bad way, it wasn’t all that fun.

Anxiety:  The biggest, most drastic change, is anxiety:  totally gone!  Like general anxiety just disappeared into thin air.  I still totally over-think things and mentally worry way too much, but the fact that those thoughts aren’t connected to physical anxiety responses is a huge relief.  I was exerting so much energy on things that don’t matter!  I was feeling so drained and limited by these feelings that I couldn’t get away from before!  It’s a lot of work avoiding things that might trigger unpleasant internal responses; now I don’t do that nearly so much!  It is totally a brain chemistry shift – I don’t know how or why, but it’s not something I’m worrying about haha.  Also, emotionality overall hasn’t changed much.  I still have been experiencing the same range and types of emotions, which I’m happy for.  If anything, there might be a slight capacity to acknowledge anger and frustration now, which seems positive.  I’ll have to see how that plays into my life.

I’ve been on Androgel, 1%, 1 pump (1.25g) per day.  I started with 1.62% for about 2 months, but I started to see some changes that freaked me out (voice dropping and body hair growth), so I asked to switch to 1%.  Which I did for 2 months (voice went back to where it was, body hair growth stopped).  Then recently I started alternating between the two every other day.  Which has been working out so far, and I like.  I just hope I can continue to alternate my prescriptions.  I might be questioned on that…

I have had some other slight physical changes that seem common:  I feel warmer, body temperature-wise.  I’ve had some pimples pop up, particularly in places I wouldn’t normally get pimples – thighs, butt, armpit(?)  I’ve been slightly sweatier (my partner would say significantly sweatier, haha).

I want to be able to use testosterone for the rest of my life, but to not change much, physically speaking, over time, if possible.  So far, it does seem possible.  The internal shifts are too good, I couldn’t have even imagined, or dreamed them up, in advance.  I’m still just hanging out, revelling in it all.  One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

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