Guest post – Kale (one year later)

Posted: January 3, 2017 | Author: | Filed under: coming out, Testosterone, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

About a year ago, I featured the story of an internet friend, here:  Guest post – Kale

We lost touch for a while, but as the year came to a close, I wanted to see where they were at, transition-wise and otherwise.  We corresponded for a bit, and they sent this update:

Hi! My name is Kale and I wrote a guest blog post for Kameron over a year ago when I first started taking testosterone. I live, mostly, in Newfoundland, where it’s cold and grey a lot of the year. I suppose it goes without saying that a lot has changed for me in the past year. I’m writing this today after making a monumental change to my appearance and expression of self this very morning. After five years of having them I decided to cut off my dreadlocks. I know some of you might be thinking “what does that have to do with taking testosterone or being transmasculine?” Well, I believe that all the choices we make about our bodies, not just the big ones like taking hormones or having surgery, impact our experience of self enormously. And though I hate to think on my dreads in a negative way I know they were a kind of crutch for me for a long time. If you think about it dreads are very gender neutral. Whether a man or a woman has dreads it doesn’t matter; the dreads will more or less look the same. And certainly once my dreads were long enough they obscured my neck, my slender feminine neck.

image1Well after a year it seems my neck isn’t as slender as it once was. In fact a lot of things about my body are very different. It amazes me how I can feel so much the same and so very different all at the same time. On the one hand the differences feel right to me, feel like the me I always expected to be, and I know that makes a huge difference. On the other hand I know there is so much about me that is the same, the integral parts of me that will never change, no matter what. I think a lot of folks, myself included, fear changes that will alter who they perceive themselves to be. It’s a legitimate fear but I don’t think it’s grounded in any reality. I know that I am the same person I’ve always been except now I feel closer to that person and so much happier. I should say that I identify with being transmasculine but do not feel comfortable with many labels. Every label I’ve ever tried on did not fit well enough to make me feel comfortable with it. Right now I like to say that I do not feel like a man or a woman. I feel like myself and that person has masculine and feminine traits.

Generally I feel more attuned to my masculine side and that was a huge factor in my choosing HRT. Being read as female, therefore feminine only, made me feel very unlike myself. I could not live that way feeling like no one saw me for who I was. A year later my voice is pretty low and I have the faintest line of hair over my upper lip. My veins pop out of my forearms and my pecs and shoulders have muscles they never had before. Strangers almost always think I’m a man. This is my new reality. It generally feels good to me but it’s not perfect. I’m not a man. I don’t really want to consistently be thought of as one. I take what I can get though because in this society being seen as neither a man nor a woman is a pretty unrealistic goal. I feel closer to my masculine side so being read as a man is less difficult than being read as a woman.

The other huge reason I chose HRT was my association with my genitals and my experiences of sex. For whatever reason I am cursed with the desire to have male genitalia. It fucking sucks. I cannot imagine having bottom surgery despite the fact that I really would rather male genitalia. I’m so not ready to even entertain that idea and I don’t know if that will ever change. I wasn’t entirely sure what testosterone would do for my relationship with my genitals but it certainly seemed worth trying. This was hands down the best choice of my life. I can’t express how thankful I am that I had the ability to make this choice. Before HRT I often could not derive sexual pleasure from my junk; it just didn’t feel like it was a part of me. That feeling was exasperating. I felt incredible guilt because I loved my partner but I could not enjoy sex with them. I don’t know how to describe the difference in my genitals other than it feels like what I imagine having male genitalia feels like. I have experienced some clitoral growth but it’s so much more than that. The difference is mind blowing, truly, and I wish I could find the words to express what it actually feels like but I can’t seem to. I hate to use the cliche but it’s so accurate; my body feels like my body now.

Despite all the ways I am so thankful for testosterone, I don’t like to put excessive emphasis on HRT. It was right for me in that moment in time. It’s not necessarily the right choice for everyone. And certainly I don’t think HRT is the only thing that’s helped me with my sense of self. If I want to I can think about my dreads negatively, as being a crutch. Or I can think about them positively, as being a big part of how I expressed myself authentically. Having dreadlocks and using HRT are both choices I made to feel closer to the person I feel inside. There’s so many ways that we can learn to be happy in our own bodies and the only thing that matters is that; each individual person’s happiness. I am so happy I found the courage to choose HRT but there are still days I look in the mirror and wonder who I am, what I think I’m doing. They’re less often, definitely, but they’re still there. This life is a journey, happiness is a journey and there’s no end until you’re dead. I wish I could say HRT made me completely whole and happy and yay now my days of feeling dysphoria and sadness are over! But it’s just not true. Happiness is not something you attain once and that’s it; it’s something you have to always work for. My intent in saying all this is to remind folks of certain realities. And I need to remember them as much as anyone. Life is hard. Go easy on yourself. Love yourself, no matter what you may feel sometimes. If there’s one thing I’ve taken out of this last year and all my experiences with my changing body it’s this.

____________________________

I like how Kale starts this piece with hair-related changes, and then gets more into it from there.  I also use my hairstyle to obscure my slender feminine neck!  What are some things you do to help feel more congruent with your gender identity?

If you’d like to write a guest post, please go for it!  You can just click on “ask me something” at the top of the page…

I came out at work

Posted: December 22, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work, name change | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

This has been my biggest transition goal.  For a long time.  I always knew I would / could, at some point in the (distant) future, but usually it felt like there’d be no way.  I’ve been riding the waves of my legal name change though, and getting in on that as an opportunity to say that there’s more to it than just that I am going to go by a new name now.

Monday – My supervisor had been out of work for 3 weeks, and Monday was her first day back.  During her absence, I had received the signed court order from a judge in the mail, and was starting in on some of the bureaucratic processes:  going to the DMV, going to my bank, etc.  So it was good timing for when she came back – I told her (again) that I was changing my name, and I deferred to her in terms of what she thought I should do.  I did not tell her anything beyond the name change, and she expressed concern that she wasn’t going to remember.  I also came out to my 2nd co-worker (my one co-worker has been in my corner this whole time.)  She was emotional in her responses, but I’m sure she’ll be fine / nothing will change.

Tuesday – Before work, I went to the “third floor” to speak to the benefits lady.  I filled out paperwork.  She asked me if I had my new Social Security card, and I was like, “uhhhh…”  I made a mental note to get on that.  She said we could get things started anyway, without it, and I just send over a copy when I get it.  While at work, I came out to my favorite teacher.  It went well.  The reason I like her is because she just seems real.  We don’t talk a whole lot, but when we do, she’s always reserved yet super thoughtful in her insights.  She shared with me a couple of impressions her 4-year old daughter has had of me (she’s met me a handful of times.)  That was nice.  I told her the name and the pronoun thing, but I didn’t get as far as “neither male nor female” in this interaction.  It was good enough for me right then; she said, “I’m happy for you,” a couple of times.

Wednesday – I gave it a day or two.  My supervisor basically seemed to think now I just wait for things to trickle down from the “third floor.”  I wasn’t feeling that – I was feeling more proactive than that, but I gave it a day.  I In the meantime, I emailed our union president (the benefits lady prompted me to do this) to give him a heads up.  We just had an election in November, and my favorite buildings and grounds guy was elected.  It’s always a buildings and grounds guy, and if it has to be one, I’m so glad it’s him because I think he can absorb the news and take the lead on it within all those guys – electricians, plumbers, HVAC, maintenance, conservatives, white men, Trump supporters, etc. etc.  Hopefully.

Thursday (today) – I talked to my supervisor about when can I change my badge, stuff like that, and she reiterated that I just wait and it’ll all happen.  What I was really most concerned about was talking to the principal (again), so that she hears it from me, and so that she hears all of the information.  I knew that once I talked to her, she’d take it from there (I’m not sure how she’ll do it, but the whole school will know through her.)  My supervisor said she mentioned it to the principal, and I took that as a green light.  I came out to three more teachers (one of them told me about a relative, and I was able to get to the part about “not male or female” with her, which felt great!)  I was feeling pressure to talk to the principal either today or tomorrow because we’re going into Xmas Recess, and having everyone know when they come back from break would be ideal.  So I made it happen.  After school but before the admin. assistants leave for the day, I went to the office to see if the principal was available.  The assistant principal happened to be with her in her office right then, which worked out perfectly.  Kill two birds with one stone!  Plus, the dynamic with both of them was so much better.  A lot of times, they are like foils to each other.  I said the stuff (the name, the pronouns, the “neither male nor female,”) the principal brought up bathrooms (which I have mixed feelings about), the assistant principal brought the energy and excitement, but also brought up how he was not going to be able to remember, and that’s not anything about me.  I said yeah yeah I know it’ll be an adjustment period.  (In my head, I’m thinking, how long is this adjustment period, exactly???)

Friday (tomorrow) – I have about 5 other people I’d like to tell in person, if I get the chance.  If not, no big deal.  Everyone’s gonna be focused on Xmas parties and getting ready for domestic family things and cookies and blah blah blah.  We’ll see.  The best part is there’s really no more pressure!

And so, that’s it!  Now I just wait for things to happen around me.  Next week, during Xmas Recess, the only people who will be at the school will be me, my two co-workers, my supervisor, and maybe the principal and assistant principal.  So, that’s a whole week for the people who say my name the most, to practice.  I have a feeling my co-worker / ally will step up and lead it, followed by me correcting everyone every single time.

Then teachers and kids come back.  And teachers will have a heads up from the principal one way or another, and then I just start correcting, correcting, correcting.  For how long?  Not sure.

(I gotta say, I definitely feel good and accomplished, but I don’t feel that “wheeeeeeeee” feeling that often comes with big comings-out.  I’m attributing that to my medication, for better and worse.  It makes so many things so much easier, but those roller coaster feelings – yeah, I miss the good ones…)

Finally changing my name legally pt. 2

Posted: December 14, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: coming out | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

On Saturday, I got my signed court order in the mail, along with all my supporting documents (including an exemption to having to announce my name change in a publication) and instructions to go back to the County Clerk’s office and file again.  It only took 26 days – didn’t expect such a quick turn-around.  I got this piece of mail immediately after coming home from a birthday lunch with my spouse and parents, at which I told them about my legal name change (tough conversation to bring up, but I did it!)  Monday was my birthday, and my spouse and I went on a day trip.  I had also taken Tuesday off, which was perfect because I had plenty of time to go back downtown and keep this momentum going.

I got there at about 11am and, after filing, I purchased two certified copies of the court order for $10.  I then thought, wow, I could go down to the DMV too at this rate!  I did some stuff at home (including coming up with and practicing a new signature!!), and then I headed down there at about 3pm.  Filled out the form, wrote my new signature in a box, got my picture taken, and then was told that their system was down.  The lady re-booted the computer two times, I took another picture, wrote the signature again, and, …no go.  She gave me my number anyway, but when I finally got to go up, they just told me I needed these things scanned first, and since the computer was down, it just wasn’t going to happen.  Blah!

So, I came back the following morning (this morning).  Wrote my signature two more times, got my picture taken two more times, with technical issues in between.  It finally went through though.  And now I have a temporary license, and I’ll get my new one in two weeks!

I had always thought I was going to stick with “F,” legally.  As I went through the day yesterday though, I came back to that – it suddenly had a lot of weight attached to it.  NOW was my chance to change to “M,” if I wanted.  I would have just waited on the DMV until I’d gotten a note from my doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist.  (That’s all it takes where I live!  No proof of HRT.  No proof of surgery.  Just a letter from someone saying that you identify as you say you identify!)  Ultimately, I decided, no, I’m not changing it.  If I could change it to something else (“X,” “N,” or whatever, I’d have done that in a heartbeat.  It was a fairly easy call – I was no more attached to “F” than “M” – they equally do not define me, so as a default, I’m sticking with F.  At least for now.  I know it might be harder to change it in the future, (Trump) but, that’s a risk I’ll have to take, because now is not the time…

I actually had an idea while thinking through all this, and I wonder if others do this:  I think I will put a teeny tiny black sticker over the “F” on my new license.  It’ll just be a blank square.  And if for some reason I have to show a cop or something, I can peel it off real quick first.  But for purposes of showing bartenders, etc., hey, they don’t need to know!!!  I think it’ll feel super validating to black out “F.”

So, right now, all systems are open!  There’s nothing in my way from changing my name anywhere and everywhere.  It now is timely for me to come out at work.  I can finally have an actual name on Facebook.

Etc.  Now, where to start???

Finally changing my name legally

Posted: November 21, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: coming out, name change | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

I started going by “Kameron,” socially, in May of last year.  I had a turning-point conversation with my spouse a couple of months before that, but I wanted to let it sink in, because once, years ago, I picked out a name I thought I wanted to go by.  But then I just didn’t do anything more with it.  So I wanted to see if that was going to happen again, or if I would actually move ahead.  My spouse started calling me the name around the house, and then, a pivotal moment was trying the name out within a group of strangers that I was only seeing on a temporary basis:  Being transgender while in a partial hospitalization program.  That helped immensely; to hear the name repeatedly and see if it would sink in.  Once that felt right, I emailed a bunch of people with this new information (and with a new phone number).  That was a big move, but I haven’t regretted it.  It’s been a super easy transition – no one, surprisingly, has messed up in front of me, once.  Plus, acquaintances and friends of friends heard word from others, so I barely had to tell or remind anyone!  So cool!  (Well, ok, except for family members, which is different).

Last Monday, I finally went downtown to get the process rolling on getting it legally changed.  I think the hold-up was:  I wasn’t ready to come out at work, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to change my last name, too, while I was at it.

I’m now feeling good about coming out at work within the near future.  Also, I decided to change my first, middle, and last name.  That’s going to take some getting used to, since I haven’t changed that anywhere yet, even socially.  Guess I gotta come up with a new signature too.

The process was not too bad:  I printed some documents out from an online site, and fortunately my spouse’s dad is a notary, so we were able to go over to her parents’ house to get that all in order and signed, the day before.  I had Monday off work, and it turned out to be a gorgeous day, so I decided to bike.  (So glad I did because I ended up having to go back and forth, and to a few places.  Parking is tough downtown, and I was able to zip around and lock up at VIP spots anywhere I was going, haha – VIP spots meaning street signs and trees.)

I first went to the information desk at the County Clerks’ office.  The lady was brusque, giving me 2 other documents that had to be filled out, asking me if I had my index #, and telling me I needed 3 copies of all these papers.  Luckily, my spouse’s dad, who works downtown, had told me I could contact him if I needed anything else.  I called him, biked over the few blocks to his office – it was cool to see where he works! – and he helped me fill out the rest, plus he made copies of everything and paper-clipped everything neatly and efficiently, with clips on both the top and the sides!)  I thanked him and rode back and got in line, where I stood for probably a half hour.  When it was my turn though, I got through quickly.  I paid the $210 fee, got my index number, and got a receipt.

They told me I then had to go to the Hall of Justice, to the Judicial Clerk’s office.  This involved more bike riding, plus a walk through a metal detector and asking around in order to find the right room.  Things went smoothly there too, although I noticed that on the receipt I got from the County Clerk’s office, they spelled “Kameron,” “Kamerson.”  Aarrgh!  I asked if this was going to be a problem, and I was assured that it was fine – the judge wasn’t going to be looking at that at all.

I then biked to a coffee shop and worked on some writing for the rest of the afternoon.  About to head home, I ran into a friend, and we chatted for a while.  Then a stranger approached us with a digital recorder, and he asked if he could ask us a question for a radio show.  I said, “probably!”  So he launched into, “OK, so the Cubs won the world series, and that hasn’t happened in 108 years.  And then Trump was actually elected president.  So, with all this going on, what’s next?”  I said, “Flying lizards,” just because it was the first thing that popped into my head, but if I had thought for even just a second, in retrospect, I would have said, “SUPERMOON!” because I’d heard that on that day, (November 14th), it was the biggest it’s been in 69 years, and it’s not going to be that big again for another 34!

supermoon

Oh well.  Next time I’ll make more sense.

Anniversaries, traumas, deaths, and name change

Posted: November 15, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: coming out, mental health | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Game changing significance was loaded on top of more and more significance, this past week.  On Monday the 7th, Leonard Cohen passed away.  Then, of course, the upsetting election results.  My spouse woke me up to tell me the news.  I was in a hazy half-sleep, largely induced by my medications (I think), and I just replied, “Ohhhhhhh,” and immediately fell back asleep.  It was a surreal half-consciousness, and, in a way, I continued on in that space for a long time after, even now, as I try to wrap my head around it.

She also texted me later that morning saying “Happy anniversary of our ‘legal’ marriage today.”  I had completely forgotten about that.  We have much more meaningful anniversaries between us; this one is not a big deal.  But, interesting that it happens to fall on this same date.  Plus!  It was the one year mark of the launch date for the radio station I am a DJ at.  Also on this day, a friend’s father passed away.  The next day, my spouse’s sister proposed to her boyfriend!

The following day, I heard word that two pride flags had been burned in our neighborhood.  Talk about being hit close to home!  More on that in an upcoming post.  We attended a rally on Saturday morning with some friends, and the spirit of that event was totally incredible.

Also, around this time, 17 years ago, I was hospitalized for 19 days, and was traumatized by the process, for a very very long time.  I take a moment every year to think about this and reflect.  (In the past, it’d been much more than “a moment” to reflect.  For too long, it had felt like constant rumination.)

Three years ago, I wrote about how I finally gained access to the medical records from my hospital stay, and how I started to process things differently with the help of my therapist:  Continuing to work through a specific trauma.

Then two years ago, I wrote about finally bringing that record into therapy and how it felt to have her go through it.  I was starting to realize that maybe I didn’t need to pick it all apart; maybe my perspective was shifting naturally, over time:  That specific trauma is still there.

Last year, I wrote about how much time has changed things, and it no longer felt like a big deal.  The fact that I had been hospitalized again, that year, surprisingly helped me find ways to heal, rather than adding more baggage onto the feeling of it:  That specific trauma is no longer a big deal.

This year, this personal matter has simply been buried underneath all this other stuff going on.  I don’t have the capacity to think about it and write about it right now.  I don’t see that as a problem.  It’s not like I am grieving the loss of space and emotional energy to be with this thing.  It was a thing.  And it gradually became not as much of a thing.  It is OK.

I also experienced an upswing this week.  Probably galvanized by the shitty stuff going on.  I cancelled a doctor’s appointment that I didn’t want to go to.  I called my grandpa and talked to him about different ways to save for retirement.  I solidified plans for my spouse and I to take a trip to Washington D.C. for her birthday – right around Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and just in time to get the fuck out of there before the presidential inauguration.  We are going to go to the National Museum of African American History and Culture, part of the Smithsonian, which just opened a few months ago.

I also submitted my stuff to legally change my name!  Finally!  I did this yesterday.  (This might also be a separate upcoming post.)  I also emailed a lawyer to see if he would be willing to work with me toward gaining legal non-binary status.  I haven’t heard back yet, and I realized that the timing is shit.  This is such a low priority right now, as transgender people scramble to get their Social Security card, passport, etc. in order before the Trump take-over.  And I know this lawyer in particular is probably swamped with going above and beyond to help people with this.  So, I’m going to wait on it.

But a time will come.  I know it.

The Secret Emotional Life of Clothes

Posted: October 31, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: coming out | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

When I think about Halloween, I think candy, jack-o-lanterns, movies, and all that stuff, but I also think about it as the perfect opportunity to try out something totally different, appearance-wise, and test out whether it’s worth exploring past that.  I’ve definitely seized it as an opportunity in the past, both to try out a different type of “masculinity” – dressing like my idea of a punk a few times, something I was definitely interested in; and also to see what it felt like to dress femme.  I think a lot of people try out things like this too, in the guise of a “Halloween costume.”

I wrote about that here:  Hey Halloween! (how costumes fit into our lives)

I just listened to a really interesting podcast about how what you wear can affect how you feel, how you’re treated, what you decide to do, your cognitive abilities, your identity, and so much more!  It starts with a brief snippet of a Halloween night, with kids running around a neighborhood in all kinds of costumes.  Here’s part of that transcript, talking with a girl who is afraid of flying:

FRANNY: I’m wearing a leather jacket and an aviator hat and aviator goggles and jeans, boots and an aviator scarf.
ROSIN: Franny’s dressed as…
FRANNY: Amelia Earhart.
MILLER: Yep, a woman who ate airplanes for breakfast.  Who was…
FRANNY: Awesome and brave.
ROSIN: And as Franny puts on the white silk scarf, the leather jacket, the hat with the floppy ears…  …Guess what happens?  The nervous disappears.  If I put you in an airplane right now, what would happen?
FRANNY: I’d feel like a pro.

It’s true, to an extent!  We’ve all experienced this, somehow or another, I think.

Listen to the full podcast here:  Invisibilia

For me, shoes have always been a big deal – probably my favorite element of self expression.  I remember the first time I got to get a pair of boy’s shoes, in 3rd grade, and the emotional tenor of that moment and of every single day that I got to wear them.  It was the best thing ever.  And of years later, in my early 20s, when I first got a pair of skateboarding sneakers – it was that same feeling (or, OK, maybe a diluted young-adult version of that same feeling) because I decided that I was worthy of wearing the type of shoes I always coveted.  And I was an adult.  And I could buy and wear whatever I wanted (I had a hard time “letting” myself buy things that I wanted.)  And now!  I recently got a pair of Reebok pump basketball shoes, and I have such a fun time just putting them on!  I’m not a skater or a b-ball player, but that’s OK, shoes say so much more than “basketball,” “running,” “work-boot,” etc.

What are your favorite articles of clothing to play around with?
Have you used Halloween as an opportunity to try out something new, that you might want to incorporate into everyday life?

There are 6 other stories in the podcast, including someone who uses sunglasses to avoid getting bullied, and then ends up feeling so strongly about their magical powers that he just ends up never taking them off.  This was my favorite story, and it’s the first one, so if you wanna just hear that one, it’s totally worth it!

clothing1

Parts 2 and 3 are also really good.  Part 2 is about a person who started out as a cross-dresser, and then after a breakup, they started wearing feminine clothing all of the time, and identifying as a trans-woman.  She was also a fairly public figure, doing stand-up comedy regularly and being covered in the media.  She was also 6’5″, never passed, and always was on guard, feeling paranoid and defensive.  It was wearing her down, and the feminine clothing had lost their allure.  After about 7 months, she went back, from “Sarah,” to “Will.”  And he endured backlash from the trans-community for doing so.

Part 3 was about a social science experiment (I think I’d read about it in a book, as well), where people were asked to put on a white lab/doctor’s coat, and then go through a battery of concentration tests.  The control group wore their regular clothes.  And it was proven that those with the coat on did twice as well as those without!  Was it something about the extra weight on the shoulders?  No, that was tested for with just pressure being applied.  What about if the coat was referred to as a “painter’s coat” instead of a “doctor’s coat?”  No go – that did not produce any improvements.  It appears that when people feel like they are putting on something that has a particular meaning, they will, largely subconsciously, act accordingly.

World mental health day / Nat’l coming out day

Posted: October 11, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: coming out, mental health | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I never before realized that these days are consecutive!  Oh hey, these are the two most frequent topics of this blog!

In the past, I haven’t observed either through writing here, but I currently have a lot to say about both; this’ll probably end up being one of my more personal posts, at least as of lately.

First just real quick – a little bit of background / information about both:

World Mental Health Day (Oct. 10th) was first celebrated in 1992 at the initiative of the World Federation for Mental Health, a global mental health organization with members and contacts in more than 150 countries.  This year’s theme is “psychological first aid.”  My first thought was that it refers to how to handle someone who is in a mental health crisis, but it actually refers to being a support to someone who just witnessed or experienced a terrible tragedy.  There is a world of difference between the two, even though there’s also overlap; of course, learning about both types of situations is going to be important.

natl-coming-out-dayNat’l Coming Out Day (Oct. 11th) was founded in 1988 by Robert Eichberg and Jean O’Leary.  Oct. 11th was chosen to commemorate the anniversary of the 1987 Nat’l March on Washington for Gay and Lesbian Rights.  It is observed in the spirit of the personal being political and the idea that homophobia cannot thrive once people know someone personally who is LGBT+.

(Information is coming from the World Health Organization website and wikipedia.)

Last night, I saw an amazing documentary called Strike A Pose, which just came out last year.  It’s about the seven young male dancers from the NYC underground (the origins of voguing) who were personally selected by Madonna for her tour.  They also ended up starring in a behind-the-scenes documentary at the time, called Truth or Dare.  Madonna was very outspoken about AIDS, gay rights, safe sex, and of course, Expressing Yourself!  [Spoiler Alert:]  What was most interesting though, was that at the same time these young men were embodying those messages on her behalf, they were not all on board or comfortable with it.  Three of the men had been diagnosed with HIV prior to the start of the tour, and they all were silent about it to the extreme, not even telling friends or loved ones.  Also, one of the men sued Madonna after the tour, for forced outing, partially spurred by a coerced kiss with one of the other dancers in the Truth or Dare doc.  He was not ready or willing to be that person, to be making that statement.

So, I guess what I’m saying with all that is that Nat’l Coming Out Day is great and celebratory and everything, but in order to actually be empowering, it has to be on each individuals’ own terms.  Once I outed a friend (about something totally unrelated to being LGBT) as part of a joke, and then I felt really crummy about it.  I just let time wash over that one, but it’s still a prominent memory.

So where am I at?  I still have a fair share of coming out to do.  I’m not doing any of it today.  It does feel imminent though – I’d say within the next 6 months.  I look forward to the day that my driver’s license, signature, little plastic rectangle on the custodial office, Facebook page, the words out of teachers’ and co-workers’ mouths, and everything else, all say the same thing!  As of now, I have 5 different names going on in different places, and none of them are the full name I actually want to go by!

Here’s something I wrote that really captures this feeling (I wrote it almost exactly 2 years ago.  Dang, that is a long time!):  Fractured identity and fragmented feelings

Moving on to mental health:

My mental health has improved by leaps and bounds within the past 9 months, and I have not written about it.  Actually, the most recent thing I did write was 9 months ago, here:  A full year later / Making major changes.  I was hopeful but tentative.  I had had 23 good days in a row (an anomaly), due to starting yet another drug.  I am still on that drug, and I am still having good day after good day after good day (other than not so great days due to a cold, a handful of really bad days during the stress of surgery).

Overall, I am more stable and happy than I ever have been before, BY FAR.  And I feel certain that I can attribute that to a drug, something I never would have thought possible before (I’ve been on lots of drugs over a span of many years, and did not have a good experience with any of them.  I had gone off medications completely for 10 years because I thought it was hopeless.  I always downplayed the usefulness of psychotropic drugs.  When I was younger, I thought I was the only one who had this reaction; now I know it’s fairly common to have to go through a trial and error period, searching for something that will actually be a good match.

During those 10 years I was not taking medications, I focused on other things to improve my well-being.  Most of that was social in nature – focusing on not isolating, focusing on positive connections with people, focusing on emotional intimacy.  It worked.  To an extent.  I started to think that getting back into therapy would probably help.  That worked too.  It felt miraculous for a while at first, actually.  But as the years went by, kinda only to an extent.  I found myself in a situation where I HAD to get back on medications, and I was not happy about that at all.  In fact, I recall thinking a lot about when I’d be able to get off of them (maybe 6 months? I was thinking…)

In the end, it has worked out better than I ever could have imagined.  I am neither pro-med nor anti-med.  It’s way too personal, and different for each individual, to have a general feeling about it.  But I can say that I used to be anti-med, and now I feel that, for some people, it can be that one game changer that makes all the difference.

California recognizes legal non-binary status

Posted: October 1, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: coming out | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Two states down, 48 to go!
I am starting to work toward getting in on this!

In June, I posted about Jamie Shupe, the first person in the US to successfully petition for the gender status of “non-binary.”  Now as of September 26th, Sara Kelley Keenan is also legally non-binary.  Here is a full article about it:  Californian Becomes Second US Citizen Granted ‘Non-Binary’ Gender Status.

I want to be the third!  (Or the fourth, or the fifth, or the sixth, etc.  The number doesn’t matter to me at all; just that I get to do it, eventually.)

I’ve been stalling about changing my name legally, for a long time now.  It’s been a year and a half since I socially changed it, everywhere except for work.  Part of the reason for waiting is because I don’t know what I’m doing with my last name.  And if there’s a chance I’m going to change it, I don’t want to go through this process twice!

And yeah, work is the other reason.  I mean, I can legally change my name without coming out at work, but it would be great if the two goals aligned.

And now I’m wondering if I can change my name and also request the status of “non-binary” all at once.  I’m in the process of finding this out.  There is a social justice group called Transgender Legal Defense & Education Fund (TLDEF) that partners with lawyers and law firms for pro bono work on issues including the Name Change Project.  Luckily, I fall within their geographical range, so I filled out their form, and should hear back within two weeks!

I also am fairly close to feeling good about moving forward with a new last name.  I had one idea a long time ago but was unsure.  Over time, I stopped thinking about it entirely, until just last week.  I went to a therapy appointment for the first time in a few months, and that jump-started some thought processes that had been calcifying in the corners of my brain.  Things got shaken up, and I’ve been feeling consistently euphoric ever since.

A little more about Sara Kelley Keenan:  She is a 55 year-old retired paralegal who was born intersex.  According to the article,

Her court petition was a quiet, unannounced test case for a group of California people who also seek to change their legal genders to non-binary rather than female or male. About five people—all working with the Intersex and Genderqueer Recognition Project—plan to petition courts in the counties of San Francisco, Alameda, Santa Clara and Sacramento over the next few weeks.

How awesome is that?!  I’m picturing a floodgate opening and people just pouring through.  First five more people.  Next fifty!

  …  “I’m 55 years old, this doesn’t really change my life very much.  But I want to leave the world a better place for younger intersex people. This represents a huge opportunity for acceptance and awareness for young non-binary and intersex and trans people—and for their parents.”

There are still more barriers, though, of course.  The DMV.  Getting a passport.  Other documents.  Things are changing though, slowly but surely.  Just last week, Shupe’s attorney got an email from the Oregon DMV, stating,

“[the Oregon] DMV received the okay to move forth with forming an advisory committee and drafting administrative rules regarding the capturing of sex on the driver license. The rules will allow DMV to capture and print an identifier for sex other than M for male and F for female on the driver license, permit, and ID card.”

Hassles!  But, things are moving…

Thoughts about this “3 fictional characters” meme

Posted: September 26, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: coming out | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Have you seen this thing going around right now?  Where someone distills certain qualities of their personality and culls different characters from popular media to illustrate what they’re all about?  (Or, they just relate with certain characters, or they meant a lot at a certain point in growing up, etc. …)

It was a fun mental exercise while I was working last Friday – I started thinking about what if I participated?  The first thought felt like a no-brainer:  Ziggy Stardust!!  Androgynous, flamboyant, theatrical, other-worldly…  Over the weekend, my spouse suggested Ed Wood (who actually was a real person, but seems like such a caricature in the film by Tim Burton)  or Edward Scissorhands, both of whom seemed like they could fit.  My super-close friend once compared me to Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle, so that also crossed my mind.

But I was thinking, I would like to pick someone who is openly non-binary.  And I was stumped.  I though and thought and thought some more.  I started to feel like, OK, well if not non-binary, then at least gender-ambiguous.  The character of Sally from Third Rock From the Sun came to mind.  I loved that show as a teenager.  The four main characters are aliens who inhabit the bodies of a “family” in order to study Earthlings.  Sally is a macho military-type stuck in the body of a feminine model-type.  Humor ensues.  But then I honed in on Harry, the “uncle”? who is forever clueless.  Which, might not be apparent from this blog, but if you knew me in real life, you’d realize that a lot of times, I just don’t get it.  Like, seriously.  I do not get it.

So, yeah, Harry stuck out (and plus he wore an awesome jacket a lot of the time, in the show).  But I was still stumped on the gender-identity aspect of who I am.  So, I decided to subvert it, and came up with this:
my-3-characters

It’s not all grim though:  there is representation out there.  It’s just super obscure, at this point.  And I have great hopes for the (nearish) future.

For now though, here’s an extremely, incredibly thorough bibliography of all things non-binary, created by Charlie McNabb, maybe about a year or so ago.  This document is in-process:  you can suggest edits and new entries!

Nonbinary Gender Identities in Media:  An Annotated Bibliography

The most well known entries I could spot were:
– Pat, from Saturday Night Live, 1990-1994.  Bleccccchhhhhhhh!!!
– A character from the film, Shortbus, 2006.  I need to see this film again; it’s been too long!
– A Star Trek episode from 1992.  From Charlie’s archives:  “The Enterprise encounters a humanoid race called J’naii that is androgynous. Riker becomes close with J’naii pilot Soren, who reveals that she identifies as female, but is closeted because her people think that gender is a perversion. When their affair is discovered, Soren is forced to undergo “psychotectic therapy” to convert her to theproper genderless state. Although this episode is an allegory for gay rights, the gender neutrality is interesting and rare for the time.”  I need to seek this out, just for this plot line!!!

Anybody got any other examples out there?!?

3 super-short stories

Posted: September 12, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: coming out, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Content note:  crassness, body humor

1:  “We’re Trendy”

My spouse and I were at a bar on the beach with another couple a few weeks ago.  My friend (who is also trans) and I went to go get us some drinks.  It was packed inside, and we had to squeeze past a long line for the bathrooms to get to the bar.  On our way back with the beers, as we were squeezing by again, a woman was saying, “Hell, with this line, I could just go into the men’s room.  You know, like transgenders.  That trendy right now.”  And, without really seeing her or stopping or anything, not missing a beat, I said, semi-loudly, “We’re trendy.”  My friend repeated, “Yeah, we’re trendy.”  According to my friend in the re-telling, she had a taken aback type reaction, but I didn’t see it; I just kept walking.

_________________________________________

2.  “Nearly A”

Last night on our way to go brush our teeth, my spouse looked in on our guest room / my gigantic clothes pile.  There was a bra on top of one clothing mound, and she picked it up and said, “What is this?!!”  I told her it’s a bra.  She kept it coming with the, “Why do you have this?” and “Where did this come from,” etc.  And I said it was mine and I was saving it for if I ever wanted to dress up like a girl.
“This is so tiny; it’s a training bra,” she said.
“No it isn’t!  This was my bra!!!” (I was being mock angry.)

I started fumbling with it in my hand, looking for a tag so I could prove to her it was a bra.  It was kind of curled up, so I unrolled it and showed it to her.

It had a model number, and then it said, “SIZE:  Nearly A.”

We both burst out laughing.

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3.  “A Bag of Dicks”

Today, I was filling in for my supervisor, so I was working the day shift.  The principal wanted me to clean up the front of the school, pick up sticks and garbage, sweep the walkway, stuff like that.  So I did that for about an hour and a half before I decided that was good enough.  I took the bag of trash around back to the dumpster, and as I passed the cardboard dumpster, I noticed a feminine looking backpack, a style that seemed older than elementary school age kids, just perched on top of cardboard boxes, at the perfect height where it was right where those side slide-y doors open.  I flipped the flap of the bag, because I’m that kind of curious, and with just a glance, I realized that it was filled with dildos and vibrators, of all sizes and shapes, all of them different shades of pink.  I quickly put the flap back and walked inside, mulling this over.

I texted my spouse:
“There is a bag of dicks in the cardboard dumpster today.”
“Haha, what?!”  and then later, “What were the bag of dicks?!  Haha”
“Like, literally!  i took a pic on my crappy phone but didn’t turn out great cuz i wasn’t gonna touch them”
“Haha, why did the school have those?!”
“Someone swung by for a secret dump”

I then texted my co-worker, who was going to be at the school within the next half hour:
“There’s a bag of dicks in the cardboard dumpster.”
“????”

I just left him hanging until he got to work (I also texted some friends about the bag of dicks).  Then, since this was one of the most exciting things that’s ever happened at work, I brought him right out to show him.  He was pretty surprised, but I do get the sense he’s seen lots of weird stuff in his time.  He asked me if I told anyone about it and what should we do?  I said, “No!”  Just my spouse, and I was gonna just dump it in the actual dumpster, not the cardboard one.  But, like, maybe a little later (cause I was pretty sure he was going to investigate on his own).  Sure enough, later on he approached me, and told me that he did a little digging and there were some latex gloves in there too and gym socks and also a gift card for Subway.  Haha.  He said, “fly your freak flag” a number of times.  I felt a little more emboldened next time I went to throw out trash, and rooted around in the bag with my gloves on before throwing it into the trash dumpster.  Yep, lots of dicks in there.

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