3 super-short stories

Content note:  crassness, body humor

1:  “We’re Trendy”

My spouse and I were at a bar on the beach with another couple a few weeks ago.  My friend (who is also trans) and I went to go get us some drinks.  It was packed inside, and we had to squeeze past a long line for the bathrooms to get to the bar.  On our way back with the beers, as we were squeezing by again, a woman was saying, “Hell, with this line, I could just go into the men’s room.  You know, like transgenders.  That trendy right now.”  And, without really seeing her or stopping or anything, not missing a beat, I said, semi-loudly, “We’re trendy.”  My friend repeated, “Yeah, we’re trendy.”  According to my friend in the re-telling, she had a taken aback type reaction, but I didn’t see it; I just kept walking.

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2.  “Nearly A”

Last night on our way to go brush our teeth, my spouse looked in on our guest room / my gigantic clothes pile.  There was a bra on top of one clothing mound, and she picked it up and said, “What is this?!!”  I told her it’s a bra.  She kept it coming with the, “Why do you have this?” and “Where did this come from,” etc.  And I said it was mine and I was saving it for if I ever wanted to dress up like a girl.
“This is so tiny; it’s a training bra,” she said.
“No it isn’t!  This was my bra!!!” (I was being mock angry.)

I started fumbling with it in my hand, looking for a tag so I could prove to her it was a bra.  It was kind of curled up, so I unrolled it and showed it to her.

It had a model number, and then it said, “SIZE:  Nearly A.”

We both burst out laughing.

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3.  “A Bag of Dicks”

Today, I was filling in for my supervisor, so I was working the day shift.  The principal wanted me to clean up the front of the school, pick up sticks and garbage, sweep the walkway, stuff like that.  So I did that for about an hour and a half before I decided that was good enough.  I took the bag of trash around back to the dumpster, and as I passed the cardboard dumpster, I noticed a feminine looking backpack, a style that seemed older than elementary school age kids, just perched on top of cardboard boxes, at the perfect height where it was right where those side slide-y doors open.  I flipped the flap of the bag, because I’m that kind of curious, and with just a glance, I realized that it was filled with dildos and vibrators, of all sizes and shapes, all of them different shades of pink.  I quickly put the flap back and walked inside, mulling this over.

I texted my spouse:
“There is a bag of dicks in the cardboard dumpster today.”
“Haha, what?!”  and then later, “What were the bag of dicks?!  Haha”
“Like, literally!  i took a pic on my crappy phone but didn’t turn out great cuz i wasn’t gonna touch them”
“Haha, why did the school have those?!”
“Someone swung by for a secret dump”

I then texted my co-worker, who was going to be at the school within the next half hour:
“There’s a bag of dicks in the cardboard dumpster.”
“????”

I just left him hanging until he got to work (I also texted some friends about the bag of dicks).  Then, since this was one of the most exciting things that’s ever happened at work, I brought him right out to show him.  He was pretty surprised, but I do get the sense he’s seen lots of weird stuff in his time.  He asked me if I told anyone about it and what should we do?  I said, “No!”  Just my spouse, and I was gonna just dump it in the actual dumpster, not the cardboard one.  But, like, maybe a little later (cause I was pretty sure he was going to investigate on his own).  Sure enough, later on he approached me, and told me that he did a little digging and there were some latex gloves in there too and gym socks and also a gift card for Subway.  Haha.  He said, “fly your freak flag” a number of times.  I felt a little more emboldened next time I went to throw out trash, and rooted around in the bag with my gloves on before throwing it into the trash dumpster.  Yep, lots of dicks in there.


School is out for the summer

Monday was the last day of school over here.  Such an exciting time for students and teachers!!!  A time of adjustment for parents, I imagine.  For janitors, it doesn’t mean much.  We’re still working, we’ll just be doing different (but just as physical, if not more so) tasks.  And, it means we’ll be switching from working nights, to working early.

A lot of times, people (outside of work) ask me if I work during the summer.  They assume that I don’t.  For the record:  school janitors work all summer long.  How else would the school look all shiny and new on the first day of school????  Little tiny elves?!!

schools_out1-300x214This has historically been the hardest time of year for me.  Everyone is so excited about the nice weather and their upcoming freedom.  Teachers are clearing out their rooms in anticipation of new stuff they ordered for next year.  I start getting really emotional about everyone leaving.  I start trying to save as much of the stuff they are throwing out.  I start fretting about being ripped away from my routine, and having to work closely with my co-workers all day, every day.  I start isolating as much as I can get away with.  I know this is some strong language for what seems like no big deal, but it really has felt this extreme for me.

It’s been getting better the past two years.  Like everything else in my life, I’m starting to be able to handle it easier.  I feel more at ease with my co-workers, and the idea that I will actually be working with them.  I chat with teachers about their summer plans.  I don’t try to save everything they throw away; I’m becoming more selective.  As a side note, anything I do get out of the trash, I immediately create a strong bond with it, for some reason.  Stuff from trash is much more valuable, often, than stuff I choose to buy.  Not sure why.

Last-Day-of-School-Bus-278x300But I still can’t let myself get swept up in the energy of the last day of school.  I don’t make an effort to say good-bye to all the kids or anything.  What they do at our school is, Kindergarten through 4th grade students all go out early and position themselves out on the bus loop, so that when 5th graders head out to get on their buses, they get a big send-off.  Then everyone boards their bus, and all the buses take two laps around the bus loop as all the staff cheer and wish them farewell.  And kids are allowed to hang out the windows, just this one time, and everyone is yelling and cheering and crying.  I cannot be there for that.  Maybe one day.  I just stay in the building and dump garbages, because it is too intense to be a part of that.

So far this year, I have found in the garbage:

  • dozens of envelopes, in different bright colors
  • two coffee mugs, one which says, “I ❤ Tea, I ❤ Teaching”
  • a plastic travel cup with straw
  • a bunch of tracing paper
  • some books, one which is called, “Subway Art”
  • a bunch of Teddy Grahams and string cheeses
  • A North Face jacket, which will actually fit me
  • silly bandz!!!!!

And really that’s it so far, which is a very good thing!  The past few years, there have been times of huge upheaval.  Asbestos removal about 6 years ago, massive room changes about 3 years ago, new carpet installation 2 years ago.  Anything like this, and teachers toss out soooooo much.  And I respond in a frenzied fashion.  I cannot see useful things go into the dumpster.  This year feels so smooth and relaxed, in comparison.  I am glad.

A partial list of some stuff I’ve found in the past:

  • an iPod shuffle
  • another iPod shuffle
  • Nintendo DS games
  • lunch boxes, so many lunch boxes.  I’m always in the market to upgrade, haha.
  • a long-arm stapler
  • a long long list of art supplies and books, calculators, cameras, just… stuff.
  • silly bandz!!!!!

This time around, I am ready to try and enjoy the summer.


Getting to see what the kids at school are up to

Yesterday, I worked a 13.5 hour day.  Hello overtime!  My supervisor called to see if I could come in early; she had to get to an appointment.  So I was actually at school while the kids were still there, seeing lots of daily goings-on.  I’ve done this before, but it’s been a while.  A couple of highlights:

– Lunch choices were turkey and gravy or barbecue chicken.  I don’t eat meat.  I got salad.

– We’re waiting on a delivery of paper towels, so when a classroom ran out (happened 3 times, because we’ve been running low for a while), I had to resort to our back-stock of Bounty.  Where all this Bounty came from, I have no idea.  It’s way more plush than the stuff the school gets on order though.

– I cleaned a stain off the upholstered dividers we use in the cafeteria.

– I helped two kids walk across the cross-walk out on the bus loop at the end of the day.

– Kids love to stare at me!  (Kids love to stare in general.)

– I found a big bag of candy busted open in the trash, toward the end of the night.  Whoppers, Almond Joys, Reese’s, Hershey’s Cookies ‘n Cream, etc.  My coworker totally caught me fishing them all out, but, that’s alright, I don’t care.  He’s seen me digging through garbage so many times.

So, kids!  I have no idea how their day was or what they learned or if they made a new friend yesterday.  But I do know that the turkey and gravy did not go over so well, that someone in Ms. B’s class really needs to learn how to pee into a toilet, and that they love to bring pebbles from the playground into the building.