Winding down from the Philly Trans-Health Conference 2015
Posted: June 9, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: conference, ftm, gender, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference, queer, trans, transgender 7 CommentsI had a really great time; it went better than I thought it would. I was doing better. We were there for all 3 days for the first time ever, which allowed us to space out our time differently – not spend the entire day there and feel burn-out, yet still get to a lot of workshops.
This post is going to have a lot of links because lots of exciting things are going on!
I met some people! I got to meet Jamie, Lesboi, and Captain Glittertoes. I also saw Nathan again after meeting him last year – he’s putting together an anthology through Transgress Press called Voices of Transgender Parents. If you know anyone who is a trans-parent, direct them here to find out more: Call for Submissions. I met someone named Elliott (if you’re reading this, I’d love to connect online but am not sure how to find you…) It’s a surreal and rare experience to meet someone who’s blog you’ve been reading for a long time, especially if you have no idea what they look like in real life!
Here’s a breakdown of the workshops I attended and a brief summary of what I got out of them:
Non-Binary Talk: Let’s Make Friends – This was an informal space for people to share their experiences and connect by raising their hands and taking turns. The room was packed! It was really hard to hear a lot of what people said, and unfortunately no one suggested using the microphone on hand. Someone near me said something I’d never heard before – they said they identify as demi-gender, meaning their gender expression matches their gender assigned at birth, they just don’t totally feel that way internally.
Below the Belt: A Frank Discussion of Trans Male Genitalia – This workshop was led by Trystan Cotten, the founder of Transgress Press. He led the room in generating a long list of topics and concerns, and then we picked a few to discuss further. There was a huge range in what was brought up – it was only minimally about genital surgeries. We talked about hysterectomies and the options within that, reproductive issues, how trans-men relate to or don’t relate to their junk, menstruation, etc. It was really well organized and facilitated.
Results from the TransYouth Family Allies Research (TYFA) Study – This is a groundbreaking collection of data that illuminates what’s going on for trans-youth and their families. Unfortunately, I walked in late and missed the segment talking about the results, but another blog writer sums it up here: Results from TYFA study. I did learn that another survey is in the works to glean more information. The first online survey was 117 parents, mostly white moms (only 6 dads). They are planning both a longitudinal follow-up from the first study, and also a 2nd cohort to touch on gender fluidity and non-binary identities, delve further into self-harm and suicidality, and harassment and discrimination.
The Rebirth of Paris Documentary – A very well done update of where the ballroom scene has been and is currently, since Paris is Burning. Directed by Seven King.
The Future of Gender Queer – This was the first of two non-binary-related workshops that I went to, one right after the other. They were very different. This one was moderated by Ignacio Rivera, who I look up to as someone doing amazing research in the field of non-binary identities. Last year, I was blown away by their presentation of “A Gender Not Listed Here.” They are currently working on a 2nd, follow-up survey at the National Center for Transgender Equality. It is going to be available mid August at http://www.ustranssurvey.org/ We should all take this survey! They led a panel with two other people, but also made sure to get lots of audience participation. We started by mapping out our individual gender journeys over the years, divided by how we felt vs. how we were perceived by the world. We then meandered through how we felt as genderqueer people, navigating the world, by raising our hands and speaking as one big group (with the help of a microphone this time). Feels like we only touched on what could be talked about.
Non-Binary (In)visibility: Empowerment and Self-Determination: – This was facilitated very differently and was more of a self-exploration and small-group sharing workshop. These can sometimes feel intimidating (talking to strangers in small groups), but I felt fine and liked my group. We first wrote down three ways we celebrate and share our non-binary identity in the world, and we also wrote 10 different answers to “Who am I?” We were then prompted to cross out 3 of them, then another 3, then another 3. At this point we got into small groups and talked about how we determined which ones to cross out and which one was left. We also did “2 truths and a lie” based on how we present ourselves or would like to present ourselves if we could. We wrapped up with discussing ways we can sustain support in our own communities after leaving the conference. Some of this felt a little self-indulgent and 101-ish, but the small group discussions really made it worthwhile.
I am the T: an FTM Documentary – This is an ongoing project to film 10 FTM people in 10 different countries. The film crew presented a rough cut of the first segment, Isak from Norway. It was really well done and I can’t wait to see more from this project. After the first film is complete, they have plans to continue with trans-feminine experiences and non-binary experiences from around the world.
Do you want to be on TV?
Posted: May 4, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: androgyny, coming out, ftm, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, mtf, non-binary, reality tv, television, trans, transgender, transition 2 CommentsA couple of days ago, I got an email from someone named Rachel, a casting associate with Magilla Entertainment, a New York-based television production company that specializes in non scripted programming. Which I’m guessing is synonymous with reality TV shows?
Here’s a link to their website and current programs: Magilla TV
They are developing a new show that will follow different people changing their lives in various ways, and one episode will focus on multiple trans-people and varying stages in their transition. They will be pairing people up with a mentor or coach to help them through aspects such as coming out, starting to wear clothes they identify with, and contemplating surgery.
Rachel asked me if I’d consider becoming a coach for the show, and although I’m flattered, there’d be NO WAY I would do this! For one thing, I’m an introvert and although I can envision contributing to an anthology or being a part of a magazine story, this is way way way too BIG. Also, the premise is intriguing, but I fear the tone could become exploitative (as is the nature of reality shows, usually).
If you’re not scared off by these types of things though, this might be the right fit for you. Here is the casting call and contact information:
ARE YOU STRUGGLING WITH YOUR GENDER IDENTITY?
Are you struggling with who you are? Do you feel like you were born into the wrong body? Are you living life as the opposite gender you were given at birth? Magilla Entertainment and a major cable network are now casting men and women who identify as the opposite gender and who are considering going through a transition for a new docu-series. If you have been struggling with your gender identity and want the support of a coach or mentor as you transition, we want to hear your story. If you think you are ready to embark on this journey, please contact us ASAP at castingdirector@magilla.tv with your name, age, location, occupation, contact phone number, a recent photo and a few sentences about yourself.
I’m glad for the increase in media representations lately and really hope they aim to showcase a diverse group of trans-people. Demonstrate that not all narratives are the same. (For example, point out that not every trans-person identifies with having been “born into the wrong body.” Another example: a non-binary person!) And, most importantly, to convey these struggles with the deserved respect!
“Just Call Me Kade”
Posted: January 13, 2015 Filed under: coming out | Tags: coming out, film, ftm, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbtqia, queer, short film, testosterone, trans, transgender 6 CommentsA couple of weeks ago, I came across a long-lost video about an FTM teenager, made between 1999 and 2002. It was one of those things where someone’s blog had a link to a YouTube video, and then the sidebar had other videos I might enjoy, and I was immediately taken back in time.
I saw this short film in 2002, with my mom, as part of a program at the local LGBT film festival. It immediately stood out for me, and has withstood the test of time. While re-watching it, I could just feel those memories resurface. Sitting there, as a 21 year old, thinking that this person’s story also applies to me. And can my mom tell? Am I magically sending her vibes to let her know, as we sit and watch this film together, in a theater full of people? I was also thinking, why did I not go that route of getting to be a 16 year old on hormones? I could be in a totally different place right now (“right now” meaning me in 2002) if I’d done that!!!
I don’t feel that anymore. I’m glad to be where I’m at. If I had transitioned at 16, I think I’d have been happier than I actually was at that age, but I’d have some real regrets later in life. (Meaning my life right now. Lots of time travel in this post!)
This film is seriously outdated in some ways, and also relevant and timeless in other ways. My favorite line is, when the father says, “I thought that we were just going to have a lesbian on our hands.” I laughed
It portrays different reactions from family members pretty well – the dad uses his correct name and pronouns and speaks lovingly of his son. The mom misgenders him consistently, yet you can tell the love is there. The grandma cannot get past the emotional hurt of how this feels to her. It’s kinda heartbreaking to watch, but also I just want to shake her. The sister is detached mostly, away at college, but has no problem with her brother’s life path.
Give it a watch if you’ve got the time!
On therapy and gaining access to what we need
Posted: June 2, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: doctors, ftm, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, medical treatment, mental health, queer, standards of care, testosterone, therapy, trans, transgender, WPATH 8 CommentsDirectly from the WPATH-SOC (World Professional Association for Transgender Health Standards of Care), 7th edition, p. 19:
When I was 17 years old, I admitted myself voluntarily to a psychiatric hospital. I thought I was going to go there for a day or two, be able to finally catch my breath, and then work with those around me to make a plan for what I needed. This is not what ended up happening. I still wanted to leave after a day or two – that didn’t change – but suddenly, things were getting really confusing really fast, and lots of people had other plans for me. Since I was still a minor, I really had no say in what happened. I was there for 19 days. I was put on 3 different medications. I was told I suffered a psychotic break. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (based on how I was behaving – short-term – and things I told them, such as, “I think I am bipolar”). When I left, I spiraled into a major depressive episode that lasted about 4 months (and I felt highly unstable for years to come). This helped confirm for me that I was, in fact, bipolar. Something I believed for about 6 more years.
I am most definitely not bipolar. I did go through a psychotic break, but in retrospect, I believe this could have been prevented had I not been hospitalized. I think, ultimately, I just had an extended panic attack. And having no idea what that was or felt like, I thought going to the hospital was the only thing I could do to help myself in the moment.
For the next 6 or so years, I complied with my mental health care. I took all my medications every day, as they were prescribed (and those meds and dosages changed a lot over the years). I went to all my appointments I was supposed to go to. I talked to therapists, psychiatric nurse practitioners, psychiatrists. I didn’t seem to be improving. In a lot of ways, my mental state was getting worse. I just followed along with the treatment plan because I didn’t know what else I could do. In fact though, I couldn’t really tell you what the treatment plan was. Was there a plan? I don’t recall that being a conversation.
All of these experiences have greatly shaped who I am, and also my attitudes toward health care providers. I’ll say right now, I am definitely biased and wary. Once I decided I wasn’t going to take medications that didn’t seem to help, and I wasn’t going to listen to ideas that didn’t seem to make sense for me, there really was no going back. Pretty much dropped out completely (except for going to a dentist and a chiropractor, haha) for a very long time.
Until I decided I wanted to access testosterone. I thought I was going to need “The Letter” from a therapist, but in the end, the doctor I went to didn’t care about formalities like that. (He’s also a sketchy doctor though.)
I feel very adamant that I should be able to easily access testosterone for the rest of my life. Testosterone is doing for me what antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics never quite did. And more. I don’t want to go through hassles to be able to get it. I’d go as far as to say that being challenged about it by a health care professional is highly triggering for me. Because when I was younger, I was told what would be best for me for so long, and I followed. And it was shitty. So now the dynamic is going to be the other way around. I know that’s extreme and reactionary, but I do feel that strongly at this point in time. I hope that as I age, I will mellow out about it. I’m sure there will be times that I’ll need help and I won’t know what is going on with my body, and I will be grateful for doctors’ and specialists’ expertise. As for now though, I’m not there yet.
Although my experiences with mental health professionals have been shaky at best, I believe strongly in the therapeutic effects of… well, therapy (haha). Without having been in therapy through those toughest years, I would not be where I am today, no question. I learned how to talk and communicate from therapists. I learned how to stop being so hard on myself. I learned to let go of my past. I learned that I cannot save others from their pain. I learned what things really matter in life, and what things I am spending wasted energy on. It was the slowest imaginable process. None of these gems felt like they were working for me at the time, but in returning to therapy over these past 2 years, it all started to suddenly sink in, and I’ve made some real leaps and bounds. I feel grateful for that groundwork I started in my late teens and early twenties, through therapy, even though I could not feel the benefits whatsoever at the time.
Two years ago, I attended a workshop at the Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference called, Who Needs Therapy? Some Thoughts on Mental Health and Gender Variance. It was largely an open discussion format, with a mix of mental health professionals, people with experience being in therapy, mental health survivors, and others. Toward the end I had worked up the courage to ask the group, “What if I really connect with my therapist, but it is clear she is not knowledgeable about trans* issues? Is it worth it to continue working with her if I want to explore this? Is it up to me to attempt to point her to resources if I want to keep working with her?”
Everyone who responded to me was very adamant that it was not up to me, and if she does not do the work on her own, I should find someone who is knowledgeable or who is immediately and clearly willing to do the work. It turned into a very impassioned discussion with a lot of people saying the same things. I left feeling really confused.
It had been very hard for me to find a therapist I click with. I’d gone to a few in my mid/late-twenties, and felt really dispirited. A couple of them were specifically gender therapists. In the end, I returned to the main therapist I saw through some of my toughest years. It was amazing to me she is still around and I could find her. Re-connecting with her again after 8 years was mind-boggling in the best way possible. Despite the feedback I got at that workshop, I wasn’t about to let go of her so easily. Nor did I feel like educating her myself, or even asking directly what she did know and what she did not know. I just continued to tell her how I feel, and I didn’t ever get the impression that she didn’t understand or wasn’t going to work with me on that. However, when I asked her if she’d write me a letter for HRT if need be, she said, “No. I don’t feel like I have that expertise.” And I appreciated that. It is all working incredibly well.
When going to my new doctor, I could have possibly had an easier time if I was forthcoming with the fact that I’m in therapy for gender issues (although I’m not in therapy with a gender therapist). But I didn’t feel like I should have to. So I didn’t mention it. When the doctor asked me who is in my support network, I said my partner and my parents and friends. I left out my therapist. When she told me she would like to collaborate with the gender identity youth clinic in making a plan for me, I could have saved some time and hassles by saying, “My therapist already talked with them, and they won’t see me because of my age. So the plan B is this.” But I didn’t. I just said, that’d be great and let my doctor make the phone calls and come to that same conclusion on her own.
Why? Because I think that therapy is an important part of my well-being. And I think that getting the best medical care possible, for what I need, will also be an important part of my well-being. And I don’t feel like the two necessarily need to have much to do with each other. Specifically, I don’t want to suddenly be taken more seriously and be given what I need, gender-wise, because I am in therapy. I want what I say to be enough. I want to access hormones without it being known I’m in therapy, if I can.
I am deliberately attempting to lay some of the groundwork, saying that this is perfectly acceptable. Not all of us live within access to clinics or doctors who offer the Informed Consent model. But I feel like I am in a position where I can work to change that.
I’m becoming pussified* by testosterone
Posted: December 3, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: ftm, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, non-binary, pain, pain tolerance, self-injury, self-mutilation, testosterone, trans, transgender 10 Comments*I made up this word, I think (actually I just looked it up, and I totally did not make this word up), but that doesn’t mean some people don’t like it. Let me know if you don’t like it; I’ll think more about it. The root word is “pussy,” which I don’t mean to use in a derogatory way. More like it has a certain ring to it; it is an accurate descriptor for what I mean to say. I’m writing about becoming a pussy when it comes to pain, basically.
Also, trigger warning: self-injury
Before I started taking testosterone (about 9 months ago), I had a peculiar, but not really uncommon, relationship to pain. In many cases, I derived pleasure from pain. I would create sensations of pain, within my control, in an effort to calm myself. Also, when I’d hurt myself accidentally like for example, hit my arm on a doorway, I would feel alarm, followed by an adrenaline rush, followed by a pleasant soothing wave. I think in retrospect, I had a lot of potential to really get into BDSM, except for the fact that before taking testosterone, my sex drive was pretty close to non-existent, so none of that was all that appealing in a sexual context.
Now? If I hurt myself, it hurts! If I accidentally ran into a doorway, it would not be pleasant in any way, shape, or form. I remember the first few times I got hurt in little ways, in the first couple of months of being on testosterone; I was so surprised by how much pain was coursing through my body. I just felt like, aaaaaah! I’ve been swearing under my breath and feeling unnerved by how much stuff hurts.
When I’ve been feeling particularly upset or depressed, I will still have the urge or flash-image to self-injure myself, but there is no real desire to follow through with it whatsoever.
I haven’t self injured since last winter, which is so incredible to me. I hated that it was such an effective coping strategy. Probably my most effective coping strategy, for about 13 years or so. I’ve had such a long, complex relationship to self-injury, both as a concept and as it relates to my body. And I’m so glad to see it changing.
Is pain tolerance a gendered thing? I’m sure the way people experience pain is all over the map, but are there generalities between genders? Such as, females have a higher threshold for tolerating pain. I have no idea, but I’m really curious about it.
And seriously, how cool is it to be living through such a transformation on so many different levels? Like when I started testosterone, it never occurred to me that I might feel differently about pain and be cured (so far at least) of my self- injuring tendencies!
Passing as a teenager yet again
Posted: October 2, 2013 Filed under: Passing | Tags: androgynous, ftm, gender fluid, genderqueer, non-binary, teenagers, trans 4 CommentsThe other day, I was walking home from the library. I had my red backpack on, full of new media. My pants were probably partially saggy; I was wearing skate shoes, as usual. As I mentioned last week, I’ve been in a pretty low mood, so I’m sure I was slouching quite a bit, probably staring at the ground as I went. I was crossing the street to get to my side street before I realized some teenaged girls on a porch were yelling to me.
“Hey! Yeah, you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah! What’s your name?”
“[I said my name.]”
“JC?”
“No. [Said my name again.]”
“JT?”
“Yeah. [Still not my name, but realized it didn’t really matter.]”
“Nice to meet you!”
I kind of did a little wave and kept walking, worrying I was going to start running into them a lot since this was pretty close to my house. This isn’t a direct account of an instance where I passed as male, but I’m pretttty sure teen girls wouldn’t have been so adamantly yelling if they saw me as, basically, a female-bodied person in their early thirties. So I’m going to count it!
From whimsical musings to invasive ruminations on transitioning
Posted: September 17, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgynous, angst, anxiety, ftm, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, repetition, ruminating, testosterone, therapy, top surgery, transgender, transmasculine Leave a commentFor over a decade, I had been going back and forth hundreds (thousands?) of times in my head about whether transitioning was right for me or not. Or if not every aspect of it, what about this but not that? Will I ever move forward with some aspect maybe? At some point not that long ago, I seemed to come to the conclusion that no, I wasn’t going to move forward because if I were, I would have done something about it by now. And I haven’t, so I’m not. I must be lacking some internal drive, so it must not be something that I need to do. I settled on identifying as genderqueer and trans* but not planning on medically transitioning in any way. And I seemed satisfied with that. (?) But not quite, or, no, not at all actually. Because it was still on my mind. Sometimes just as whimsical musings in the back of my brain. Other times as pervasive/invasive body-dysphoric consistent ruminations.
I guess I always thought that if I did move forward with something, it would be top surgery, and not HRT. Because I never want to consistently pass as male. I want to continue looking androgynous forever. Top surgery could help with that (although I’m fortunate in that I can get away without surgery, and without binding, in hiding what I have). Taking testosterone would be going further than I want to go. So I thought.
I thought it had to be all or nothing. I thought I had to have a case ready about how I need to transition, in order to access testosterone. And I don’t need to transiton, and I really don’t like to lie. I thought I would need a letter from a therapist, and to jump through all these hoops, to access testosterone. And I wasn’t even sure I wanted it! Eventually I reached a point where I just knew that I needed to try it, at some point, just so that I could know. So that at the very least, I could think about it differently or think about it less often, as it relates to a decision about something I should or should not do.
I have this awesome therapist. She doesn’t know much about trans* identities. I’m fairly certain she had not previously had a trans* client before, although I could be wrong. I’d been talking to her about this stuff, and she’d been following along, more or less, in stride. When I would say I need to try this out, she would say, “then why not!” I asked her if she’d write me a letter if need be, and she said she wouldn’t be comfortable doing that; she doesn’t have enough knowledge about it. Still operating under the assumption that I would need a letter, I started also seeing another therapist, basically for the purpose of getting a letter.
This second therapist gave me the name of a doctor during our first session. Turns out that, apparently, I didn’t need a letter! Turns out I didn’t need to convince anyone at any point that I wanted to transition medically. I never once had to lie to get my hands on testosterone. And once I did get my hands on it, I was given the freedom to experiment with the dosing, basically use as much or as little as I wanted. Turns out I want to use as little as possible. Turns out I might be able to stay on it for the rest of my life without looking any more masculine than I currently do (this has yet to be proven, but it’s been 6 months now, and so far, so good). And the internal effects, with this super low dose, are significant and pretty much better than I could have even hoped for.
Basically, for all those years of wondering and second-guessing and processing and feeling anxious and obsessing and daydreaming and doubting myself and ultimately sort of concluding by default that I wouldn’t take any steps forward, actually doing something about it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
And in retrospect, it isn’t like there’s no turning back, to some extent. Testosterone is a slow-moving substance in terms of long-term changes… I’m really enjoying the internal forward momentum though.
five months on T without physical changes
Posted: August 18, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgynous, ftm, genderqueer, mental health, non-binary, self-injury, testosterone, transgender 2 CommentsI’m happy to report that outward changes continue to be extremely minimal! I’m going to focus on the most noticeable internal-experience changes, now that it’s been a good chunk of time and it feels like these changes are here to stay.
Pain: I was in quite a bit of constant physical pain, mainly joint pain in my hands and arms, probably from repetitive motions at work and/or not eating enough. Instantly, that was gone. In addition, I’m just kind of suddenly getting a little bit stronger and work is way easier. Also, I’m experiencing sensations of pain a lot differently than before. Like, it’s unpleasant! Whereas before, the constant joint pain was unpleasant, but certain types of pain (basically, self-inflicted) were pleasant and/or comforting. I’m not going to say I’ll never self-injure again, but it does feel so far away from where I’m at right now. That is so amazing to me. I hated that I did that, even very recently, quite a lot.
Hunger: Hasn’t ended up being sustainable unfortunately, but seems worth noting. I felt hungrier for about one week, early on. I thought eating was a worthwhile thing to do. Briefly, I had chemical signals connecting food with pleasure centers in my brain; It was awesome! Like, I would think about and look forward to getting to eat. I would prefer certain things over other things, by a lot. That quickly dwindled back to my normal feelings and attitudes about food, which are not very exciting. Not at all. Sometimes eating is a real chore, in fact. The one thing that feels different now is that if I skip eating at a time I usually eat at, I will feel more motivated to catch up. In that way, I will feel hungrier if I don’t eat. That wasn’t really true before. Also, I’ve gained 5 or 6 pounds, which manifests in the one externally noticeable physical change going on – muscle growth, mainly in my arms, shoulders, pecs, and abs. Really psyched about this. Can’t go wrong with more muscles!
Warm and Fuzzy: I just feel cuddly and cozy. I feel connected to my body in a way I never have before. It’s really hard to describe, but I’m sure people can relate. Like, my clothes feel soft on my skin. Like, I’m walking on pillows and clouds, yet paradoxically, I feel totally grounded. Like, I had no idea how jagged and disconnected I was before; I had nothing to compare it to. These sensations have been dwindling over time – I think I’ve been getting used to them. Like the clouds are not quite as soft and pillowy as they were at first.
Sex Drive: Having a sex drive I can relate to is awesome. Being able to have sexual thoughts and have that be connected to a body sensation. My body responding to sexual stimuli. Having totally different sensations everywhere on my body than I used to, in a good way. Clitoral growth, which means actually being able to feel and experience erectile tissue sensations. Previously, junk was so small and sensitive in a bad way, it wasn’t all that fun.
Anxiety: The biggest, most drastic change, is anxiety: totally gone! Like general anxiety just disappeared into thin air. I still totally over-think things and mentally worry way too much, but the fact that those thoughts aren’t connected to physical anxiety responses is a huge relief. I was exerting so much energy on things that don’t matter! I was feeling so drained and limited by these feelings that I couldn’t get away from before! It’s a lot of work avoiding things that might trigger unpleasant internal responses; now I don’t do that nearly so much! It is totally a brain chemistry shift – I don’t know how or why, but it’s not something I’m worrying about haha. Also, emotionality overall hasn’t changed much. I still have been experiencing the same range and types of emotions, which I’m happy for. If anything, there might be a slight capacity to acknowledge anger and frustration now, which seems positive. I’ll have to see how that plays into my life.
I’ve been on Androgel, 1%, 1 pump (1.25g) per day. I started with 1.62% for about 2 months, but I started to see some changes that freaked me out (voice dropping and body hair growth), so I asked to switch to 1%. Which I did for 2 months (voice went back to where it was, body hair growth stopped). Then recently I started alternating between the two every other day. Which has been working out so far, and I like. I just hope I can continue to alternate my prescriptions. I might be questioned on that…
I have had some other slight physical changes that seem common: I feel warmer, body temperature-wise. I’ve had some pimples pop up, particularly in places I wouldn’t normally get pimples – thighs, butt, armpit(?) I’ve been slightly sweatier (my partner would say significantly sweatier, haha).
I want to be able to use testosterone for the rest of my life, but to not change much, physically speaking, over time, if possible. So far, it does seem possible. The internal shifts are too good, I couldn’t have even imagined, or dreamed them up, in advance. I’m still just hanging out, revelling in it all. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
chest piece
Posted: August 6, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: chest, ftm, genderqueer, non-binary, self-injury, tattoos, top surgery Leave a commentA few years ago, I answered a call out for submissions for a new zine about about the trans/gender variant community and our relationships to our chests. I wrote a piece and never heard back about the project. I bugged them 2 or 3 times about it and still got no reply. At the time, this was really difficult for me because the piece was coming from such a vulnerable place. It’s just been sitting as a computer file since then, but I’m pretty sure it belongs here:
_______________________________________________
Slowly dissociating from my breasts. I used to have a love/hate relationship with them, but now I feel deeply disconnected and don’t think about them much. Unless I think they’re visible under my clothing, in which case I feel really uncomfortable and fixate on hoping no one notices. I’m lucky they’re so small. I can get away without binding if I wear the right layers. So I do that – limit my clothing options to save myself from tense back pain. I don’t take that for granted, the fact that I do not have to bind.
I used to cope with stress and frustration, fear and anger by cutting my skin. I often ended up focusing on my chest. A lot of times when I was alone, I’d be topless and fizzing with frantic energy. I’d envision their gory, bloody removal and bask in that thought. But I also loved them. It felt good when they were touched; they fit perfectly and comfortably in the palm of each hand. They seemed like they were a part of me / not a part of me … a part of me … not a part of me.
FROM 5/15/04: I was just wanting something intense to happen. Just by myself, here at the apartment. In addition, I have been obsessing about the removal of my breasts again. There was quite a while when I was ok with them, but I’m not anymore. So I had to pretend like I was going to cut them off. I used that knife and dragged it in sections to form a circle around both. Not deep. It hurt. No blood, but it’ll leave red marks. Like 2 bull’s-eyes. I kind of liked it, but now I look at them and what I did is fucking scary. No emotions to match these actions.
Now though, I don’t act out toward my breasts or dwell on the fact that they’re there. It’s sort of like I don’t really know them. Although sometimes I squeeze my nipples because it feels good, no one else can touch me anywhere near there, or oftentimes, anywhere on my skin at all. That chest is not a part of me.
I got my first tattoo this past fall. The image is a scratchy line drawing, a symbol I came up with to express my connection to a deconstructed gender identity. It’s on my chest, below my right clavicle – to the right of my sternum. I thought a lot beforehand, while thinking about placement, about whether to incorporate some pretty prominent scars… whether to see if the tattoo could hide them… whether to accentuate the scar lines with the tattoo… In the end, I wore a tank top that would hide the scars from the tattoo artist, and had the tattoo placed near them but not with them. Too much shame still surrounds them; they are too personal. The experience itself was exhilarating and euphoric; I was zoning, reaching a blissed-out state. And also pushing thoughts of self-mutilation from my mind with every pulse of the tattoo machine. Hours later, I was out to dinner with my person (who had also gotten a tattoo that afternoon), and emotions unexpectedly flooded in. Tearing up and unable to dissociate from the parallels between cutting my chest myself and someone else inflicting pain there. I talked about self-injury and she looked worried. She knows that was in my past, but I had never really talked about it with her. I wasn’t regretting the tattoo; I was realizing that the experience had been triggering, no matter how tough I seemed and how good it felt.
I’d like to get more tattoos on my chest. I fantasize about swimming, being shirt-less, with a sweet chest piece on display. I am pre-testosterone and pre-surgery (or am I no-hormone and non operative? I have yet to know). For now I continue this non-relating to my breasts/chest. Maybe someday that could change. Maybe someday I will have the chest I envision (flat and muscular, a male chest). Although I don’t feel completely male, I don’t feel completely here, in this body, either…
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I wrote this in 2010. I’ve been feeling differently about my chest within the past few months, which is exciting. I had been increasingly wanting to get top surgery, for sure, at some point. But since being on this low-dose of testosterone, I’m not so concerned about it! It feels good to be touched there. Also, my pecs have gotten a little more prominent / maybe my chest is even smaller than before. For now, I can live with it! (We’ll see what the future holds.)
Also a quick rant: If you are collecting submissions for a project, a rejection letter / email is 100X better than no email at all. Or, if you end up just dropping the ball on your project, please let people who submitted know the status. I was wondering for a long time what happened after submitting my piece.
janitorqueer 