Working on “Letters for My Siblings”
Posted: January 16, 2014 Filed under: Writing | Tags: androgyny, anthology, gender identity, genderqueer, non-binary, trans, writing 6 CommentsI usually try to post about once a week. But this week, I got nothin’… because I’m working on finishing up a submission for a new anthology! (So I’m posting anyway, about that!) I’ve been working on a piece of writing. You could too – there’s still time! I’ll be updating about how it turns out, in a few weeks.
Here are the details:
Letters for My Siblings: Call for Submissions
Deadline: February 1, 2014
Word Limit: 2500
Publisher: Transgress Press
Contact: lettersformysiblings@gmail.com
The Lambda Literary Finalist Letters for My Brothers asked transsexual men to pass on to their pre-transition selves any important advice that they had as post-transition men. In Letters for My Siblings, we wish to capture short pieces of a similar spirit from people who are genderqueer, gender non-conforming, bigender, agender, or who simply don’t fit nicely into the boxes of “man” and “woman”.
Your submission should be between 500 and 2500 words and address one or more of the prompts below.
Not all prompts will apply to all writers. Your submission should be about your own lived experience — please avoid delving too far into the theoretical, or making broad generalizations about any group (even one that you belong to).
Send all submissions to lettersformysiblings@gmail.com by February 1, 2014. Authors will be notified of acceptance within six weeks of the submission deadline.
• What does it mean to transition as a non-binary identified person? How have you transitioned medically, legally, socially, or otherwise, and why? Has your transition been an important part of your identity and/or experience? How and why?
• Where do you fit in the larger trans* community? Have you found friendship and connection among other trans* people, binary or non-binary? Have you encountered discrimination or resistance to your identity within the trans* community?
• Have you been able to find or create language to describe your gender/experience? Are you intentional about using (or NOT using) particular words for your gender / experience? Why do you use (or not use) these?
• How has your non-binary identity intersected with other parts of your identity, such as your race, class, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, physical ability/disability, or age? Are there times when these other parts of your identity come in conflict with your gender? If so, how do you manage these conflicts?
• What do you like about being non-binary? What is your biggest frustration? How do you navigate a world set up only for men and women?
• Who are your mentors? Who has guided you on your journey / transition? Who do you look up to?
• What advice would you give to genderqueer/gender non-conforming/non-binary people who are at the beginning of their journey?
As compensation for their contribution, all authors will receive a free copy of the anthology upon its publication. Transgress Press will donate all proceeds to organizations benefiting trans communities (www.transgresspress.com/our-donations).
We look forward to hearing from you!
I need to get a new doctor
Posted: January 9, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: Androgel, doctor, gender identity, genderqueer, medical treatment, non-binary, testosterone, trans, trans health, transgender health 8 CommentsI got a doctor last February so that I could get on testosterone. He has been fulfilling that need, but I am realizing that I want a doctor to also fill other roles. For example, I’m sick right now (I’m slowly realizing maybe I have the flu a really bad cold.), but there’s really no way I would go to my doctor about that, or something like it. I would avoid my doctor unless it were really an emergency, or unless I need more testosterone (which, not having testosterone would totally feel like an emergency!). And I’m starting to find myself wanting a doctor who A) is nice, B) will answer my questions C) will spend an adequate amount of time with me. I’m pretty sure that’s not too much to ask.
I do not like having to have a doctor. If if weren’t for the T, I probably would continue not having a doctor. I have not really had a doctor since I was 18 and under. I’ve gone to some health centers, and I’ve had psychiatrists, but I’m pretty turned off to the whole thing. My therapist has slowly been convincing me that I could find someone I connect with and could go to for medical concerns as I age. I understand how this might be beneficial. She’s even in the process of looking into someone who is trans-knowledgeable for me, and I’d be super grateful if it works out.
I got referred to my current doctor by a therapist I wasn’t really liking. But I went to him because he apparently treats trans* people. There are a couple of good things about him. Mainly, he doesn’t seem to give a fuck. This has worked in my favor in some ways. He’s leaving it totally up to me how much Androgel I wanna take, basically. He doesn’t care that I don’t want to physically transition or that I don’t identify as FTM, exactly. On the first prescription he wrote me, he checked off both the boxes for M and F. I liked that a lot! (But the pharmacy did not, and basically every trip to the pharmacy has resulted in calls back to his office, issues with the way he wrote something out, etc.) He first tried to get me on a different topical testosterone which would be an amazing deal, like ridiculously low monthly costs. The fine print, however, stated this was only for men 18+, and he failed to catch that, resulting in more hassles at the pharmacy. Currently, he’s writing the script in such a vague way (dosage-wise) that I’m getting a really good deal (Like $6.25 per month) and I’m able to stockpile a supply (which I don’t think he knows about). But, again, it caused issues at the pharmacy.
I would trade all that in (my thriftbrain is not in control of me!) in order to go to someone I could talk to and who would answer my questions. My doctor is gruff and impatient, he apparently has no time for me (visits have been 97% waiting, 3% face-time), and he seems to want to place blame on me for his lack of caring and follow through. For example, I know I should care about my blood tests, but I don’t. So I don’t take the initiative in making sure I get them done at regular intervals. Should I? I’m pretty sure that’s his job. When I was most recently there he asked when my last blood-work was done, and I said I didn’t know. He glanced at my chart and said, “April?!! You have to get these done every couple of months!” I just shrugged and said, “I don’t know these things!” I felt as exasperated as he seemed. It may not be totally fair, but his attitude dictates my attitude, essentially. If I had a doctor who seemed to genuinely want my blood-work and to then talk to me about it, I’m pretty sure I would be motivated to get the blood work done. It’s pretty simple. It’s kinda how a doctor-patient relationship works.
Especially if the patient isn’t a big fan of doctors to begin with. I’m ready to be convinced they can actually be OK.
This year felt different… in a good way
Posted: December 31, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anxiety, genderqueer, non-binary, recap, same-sex marriage, testosterone, therapy, trans, traveling 2 CommentsIt’s really hard to quantify these things, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that this past year was the best year of my life. A lot of great things happened, I got to travel a lot, I got married (as I’ve been mentioning in every single recent post, haha)! And all those things are awesome. But the reason this year was so good was because I felt so different. I’d been struggling with some pretty crippling anxiety for like, forever. And I’d made quite a bit of progress over the past 2 years in therapy, but basically, I had constructed much of my life in ways to insulate myself from the things that were anxiety provoking. And no amount of therapy was going to help me strip that all away if I was still experiencing such unpleasant physiological reactions. Then I started taking a low dose of testosterone on March 18th and POOF! Anxiety dissipated into thin air, and I’ve just kinda been reveling in how good everything feels for the rest of this year. I hope I get to keep reveling for years to come… We’ll see. Here’s a couple of other things that were awesome:
– C and I went on vacation to Asheville, NC. It was our first grown-up vacation ever, by which I mean we flew there, rented a car (I’d never done this before), used Airbnb to find lodging (we always go somewhere on vacation where we can stay with friends – don’t get me wrong, I love seeing friends, but this just felt so different.), and just did a lot of local things – restaurants, microbreweries, hiking, cultural arts center, etc.
– We went on a bunch of other smaller trips: to Toronto twice (we went to the Toronto Comics Arts Festival and to the Sister Spit Tour), to Philadelphia (Trans Health Conference!), to NYC (Brothers Quay exhibit at MOMA!), and I went on a solo trip to Worcester and Boston.
(Here I am at the Toronto Comics Arts Festival, making a ridiculous face – I’m in line, in the middle, the short guy. I found this pic on the Fantagraphics website – er rather, a friend came across it and sent it to me, and Fantagraphics captioned it: “Then the magical Ulli Lust made her appearance. Leon Avelino of Secret Acres and The Beguiling’s Peter Birkmoe showed up but were sadly outdone by the BEST CON FACE EVER. Thank you, Toronto.” I’m highly amused by this, haha.)
– Like I mentioned, I started using a low dose of testosterone in March. Best. Thing. Ever.
– My supervisor and I started to actually get along at work. We now work really well together (so far), whereas in the past, we have had some pretty major clashes.
– I read 26 books. This number is way down from the past few years, but for prior to a few years ago, I wasn’t reading anything at all, so it’s still kinda a big deal for me!
– C and I got married and went on a fun weekend getaway!
– I met a new friend, a really introspective, really effeminate and handsome queer guy.
– I got a new bike, but did not really ride it nearly enough.
– I was in a really fun play and did a couple of drag shows.
– I started this blog!
There’s probably more, but that was pretty much what 2013 looked like for me.
I’m becoming pussified* by testosterone
Posted: December 3, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: ftm, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, non-binary, pain, pain tolerance, self-injury, self-mutilation, testosterone, trans, transgender 10 Comments*I made up this word, I think (actually I just looked it up, and I totally did not make this word up), but that doesn’t mean some people don’t like it. Let me know if you don’t like it; I’ll think more about it. The root word is “pussy,” which I don’t mean to use in a derogatory way. More like it has a certain ring to it; it is an accurate descriptor for what I mean to say. I’m writing about becoming a pussy when it comes to pain, basically.
Also, trigger warning: self-injury
Before I started taking testosterone (about 9 months ago), I had a peculiar, but not really uncommon, relationship to pain. In many cases, I derived pleasure from pain. I would create sensations of pain, within my control, in an effort to calm myself. Also, when I’d hurt myself accidentally like for example, hit my arm on a doorway, I would feel alarm, followed by an adrenaline rush, followed by a pleasant soothing wave. I think in retrospect, I had a lot of potential to really get into BDSM, except for the fact that before taking testosterone, my sex drive was pretty close to non-existent, so none of that was all that appealing in a sexual context.
Now? If I hurt myself, it hurts! If I accidentally ran into a doorway, it would not be pleasant in any way, shape, or form. I remember the first few times I got hurt in little ways, in the first couple of months of being on testosterone; I was so surprised by how much pain was coursing through my body. I just felt like, aaaaaah! I’ve been swearing under my breath and feeling unnerved by how much stuff hurts.
When I’ve been feeling particularly upset or depressed, I will still have the urge or flash-image to self-injure myself, but there is no real desire to follow through with it whatsoever.
I haven’t self injured since last winter, which is so incredible to me. I hated that it was such an effective coping strategy. Probably my most effective coping strategy, for about 13 years or so. I’ve had such a long, complex relationship to self-injury, both as a concept and as it relates to my body. And I’m so glad to see it changing.
Is pain tolerance a gendered thing? I’m sure the way people experience pain is all over the map, but are there generalities between genders? Such as, females have a higher threshold for tolerating pain. I have no idea, but I’m really curious about it.
And seriously, how cool is it to be living through such a transformation on so many different levels? Like when I started testosterone, it never occurred to me that I might feel differently about pain and be cured (so far at least) of my self- injuring tendencies!
8 months on T without physical changes
Posted: November 18, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, libido, non-binary, sex drive, testosterone, trans, transition, voice dropping Leave a commentI’m continuing to walk this fine line between experiencing incredible internal changes, which makes the decision to continue taking T a no-brainer, and feeling concern about long-term physical changes. So far, this line is still in place, and all is well.
I’ve been posting about progress on testosterone super infrequently. There’s a couple of reasons for this: 1. I’m definitely feeling like I’m in it for the long term (both taking T and writing this blog), so it’s more like spurts of data over a lot period of time, rather than data overload and then burnout, or something like that. 2. There’s really not a whole lot to report! I mean, I’ve been experiencing a ton of internal changes. But things are feeling pretty stabilized, and there’s not a ton of exciting new information. Here’s a recap / rundown:
I’m using Androgel 1%, 1 pump (1.25g) daily.
Physical changes: what I have noticed has been sooooo minimal, which I’m so psyched about. And these changes happened within the first 2-3 months, and I’m not seeing much new here since. I noticed a slight filling out of my mustache, a few longer light-colored hairs on my chin, a slight broadening of my shoulders with some muscle growth in my pecs, biceps, and shoulders. My clitoris got bigger over the course of a few days about 2 months in, and hasn’t changed since then. I’ve gotten a little sweatier and smellier (feeling the desire to shower more frequently), and I seem to have a higher tolerance for cold, which is awesome! There is one physical change that I’m noticing more recently: I’m seeing slightly darker hairs at the application site. I apply the gel to my upper thighs, and there’s definitely some slight hair growth. The one change I’m feeling ambivalent about and unsure of is voice dropping. I keep being hyper aware and concerned. No one else seems to be able to tell there is any difference. So far, I haven’t made vocal recordings because I don’t want to obsess over it any more than I already am. I think the difference is so slight, and that voices are moving, dynamic, changing things anyway, that there’s really no cause for concern. Largely, I worry that certain changes plateaued soon and were pretty negligible, but that perhaps my voice will keep dropping the longer I’m on T. I’ll just have to wait to find out. I may start making voice recordings, if I think it’ll help.
Internal changes: The internal changes I talked about at 5 months included drastic decrease in anxiety, increase in sex drive, feeling grounded and connected and warm and fuzzy, and changes in sensations of pain. I’m still reveling in all of these things. It is still plenty of reason to keep taking T, despite my concern over experiencing physical changes. For about 6 months, my anxiety levels were at 0, which I have never experienced before in my entire life. Now they’re fluctuating, like life tends to cause, but at a much lower, more tolerable level, than I was experiencing pre-T. Increased sex drive feels sustainable, and has allowed me to explore new (dormant?) areas of my sexuality I hadn’t been able to tap into before. Sensations of pain and feeling connected to my body have been starting to dwindle in awesomeness, I think because I’m getting used to it, and can’t recall what it used to feel like, to compare then and now, as much. Everything is dwindling in awesomeness, and I keep trying to remind myself how different in a negative way, my bodily experiences were, pre-T.
The effects of T have been a dream come true for me. I’ll be back with a T update in a few more months! (These photos are from 5 months and then 8 months. I guess I’m looking at whether there’s a change in my face shape over time. So far, I can’t notice anything. This pleases me.)
We took the plunge!
Posted: November 15, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: agreements, ceremony, coming out, create-your-own, genderqueer, getting gay married, honeymoon, lgbt, lgbtq, marriage, non-binary, relationships, rituals, trans, wedding 2 Comments
We did that thing – we got married! And! In the process of getting married, I came out (sort of) at work! But first thing’s first – we got married on Saturday, at a nearby park with a stream and some little waterfalls. We went to brunch first at a vegetarian Greek restaurant, with all our parents, who had yet to meet(!) after all this time. Then we went to the park from there, where 3 friends, and 2 of my partner’s siblings all met up to do this thing. My partner’s brother officiated, and she and I came up with all the wording ourselves. Everyone stood in a circle, we did a go-around where everyone introduced themselves and said what brought them here, and then we played a song on a boombox. Then C (I’m going to switch to “C” instead of always writing “my partner”) and I gave a 2 part lecture on the nature of love, which probably lasted over 10 minutes! Hope no one was sleeping! After that, we said some “agreements,” in which there was a lot of laughing and we agreed on some things. Then we kissed (a huge deal for me because I can barely get myself to take her hand in public), played another song, and had everyone join hands and do some hippie-like circle formation dancing and spinning. It was pretty great. Then we broke and handed out fancy sodas, like the kinds in glass bottles, and clinked glasses and took some photos.
It was very close to how I pictured it going in my head. Which was a huge relief, because a hang up about getting married at all, for me, was that wedding ceremonies and traditions? I don’t get it, and don’t connect with that, at all. So we created something we did connect with.
Right after, we took off for a fun 3 day weekend in a town about 2 hours away. We went to some restaurants, saw 12 Years a Slave (nice “honeymoon” movie pick), went to some botanical and herbal gardens and an arboretum, went to an art museum, went record shopping, and just relaxed and stuff.
So, nothing really feels different, other than that C can now get on my health insurance! Wheee!
The thing that actually feels like a bigger deal than getting married, is that I told people at work about it. Basically, no one at work knew I was in a relationship until 6 months ago, at which point I told my co-worker, my supervisor, and the head of the kitchen. But… I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years, and I’ve worked there for 6 and a half. And I’ve even wrongly implied that I’m single. So finally, those 3 people knew (I decided to share because I was going to be working closely with them all summer, and thought it was time to be more open.), but there were so many more people I see every day and never ever say a single thing about myself. Teachers, admin. assistants, the principal and assistant principal, the school nurse, etc.
And I didn’t really have a plan or goal to share my news. I was actually planning to (by default) not share. I started last work-week that way, and it just started to feel really shitty. Like, I was about to be getting married, and no one even knew I’m in a relationship. I imagined they could guess I’m gay (I’d prefer queer and genderqueer, but imagine people might think I’m a lesbian), but I’d never said a damn thing. I wonder if one day I will come out as non-binary, genderqueer, trans*, ask for a different pronoun, everything along that line… We’ll see; one day at a time.
So by midweek, I decided to take the risk and share my news. I wondered, how many people would I have to tell before they start spreading the word and I don’t have to do the work anymore? I guessed 5. In the end, I surpassed that goal of 5, and told 10 (and I’m still telling people)! And the word did start to get around; people were coming up to me and congratulating me. People were gushing with excitement and wanting me to bring in pictures for them to see. People had all kinds of questions about what we were going to do. I got a card from the whole school with a gift card in it. The first grade teachers pitched in and gave me a gift basket. It was as if my dark and dreary, mysterious and reserved, shy and distant demeanor at work got a huge boost, and I’ve been trying to run with that.
I could be a totally new person at work (slowly, little by little)! I even took my hat off! (I’ve been wearing military style caps every day as long as I’ve worked there, and it was getting old – I was tired of hats, but I couldn’t seem to get myself to take it off. Now? It seemed like no problem! Hat gone!)
Licensed to wed
Posted: October 27, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: gender identity, genderqueer, getting gay married, lgbt, lgbtq, marriage, marriage license, marriage rights, non-binary, same-sex marriage, trans, wedding planning Leave a commentLast week, my partner and I went to city hall to fill out our marriage license. We didn’t yet (and still don’t) have a definite plan for how we’re going to do this thing, other than we want to do it legally and simply by the end of this year. And then we want to have a celebration with a big bunch of people and include a performance piece in lieu of a “ceremony,” this coming summer.
So the actual getting of the document was a little stressful – we were crunched for time and unsure about how these things go. We gave ourselves time to get down there right when they opened at 9, and then I was going to drive her to work directly from there, by 10. We were the second ones in line and everything went smoothly with filling out the form itself. In the section where you mark either “M” or “F,” it said, “Sex (optional)” which was super fucking amazingly awesome and unexpected and we both purposefully left it blank. My partner joked that it meant sex is optional in a marriage, and they want to make sure you know that going into it.
We brought up the form, and then a clerk basically typed up a new form, from what we had handwritten in. She then asked us to check for errors. We found two and she made the corrections before printing it out, having us sign it, and putting it in an envelope with some other information. It was heart-racing exciting; we walked quickly out of there and talked about how we had time to spare to have some coffee at her place of employment before she started her shift. I kinda did a victory leap down the steps and she laughed.
As we were walking back to the car, we talked about the fact that there had been errors. Then she said, “I hope she didn’t fill in our sex markers.” My stomach kind of dropped, because, honestly, I forgot to check that. She pulled the document out of the envelope, and sure enough, there were two F’s typed into that section. It felt devastating. By this time, we were already in the car. Our meter had run out, and we had no more change anywhere on our persons or anywhere in the car. I started driving away, going back and forth in my mind about the logistics of getting this corrected vs. the importance. In the end, importance won out. My partner felt more flexible, but I needed mine to be blank. So we parked elsewhere illegally, ran back inside, waited (because there was now a line), explained in an out-of-breath manner, crossed our fingers we wouldn’t be charged an additional fee (we overheard it was $10 for later corrections), got the changes made, and didn’t have to pay!
I did a double victory leap off the stairs, and upon seeing a man in a safety vest walking along the cars, sprinted toward ours so I could put the flashers on: just standing, not parking illegally, sir! Turned out he wasn’t a meter maid anyway, and I got my partner to work with zero minutes to spare.
Telling an old friend about new directions
Posted: October 21, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: childhood friend, friendship, gender identity, genderqueer, pain, puberty, trans, transgender Leave a commentRecently, out of the blue, I got an email from my childhood best friend. We’ve been in touch off-and-on throughout our adult life, but I haven’t heard from her in probably about 3 years at this point. She wrote to me about searching for who she is and what she finds important in life. I wrote back and similarly talked about recent journeys, finding myself, gender-wise and otherwise. I wrote about starting testosterone 6 months ago and what that means to me. I then wrote that if she has questions, I’d be glad to answer them. (Because I assumed she’d be accepting, but not fully understanding / not knowing how I identify / not knowing much about trans* identities. She just now responded back, and re: my request for questions, she said,
“I don’t really have any questions about it that you didn’t already answer: that you feel more normal than ever. You feeling comfortable in your own skin is something I have wanted for you ever since we hit puberty. That change is difficult for everyone, but it seemed to wreak havoc on you, as I’m sure it does on everyone who doesn’t fit in the tiny little boxes our society has labeled “girl” and “boy.” It was surreal to watch you struggle with your identity when, to me, you were always YOU. And I did a truly shitty job of being your friend and supporting you at that time. I’m really sorry. Now, I just feel so happy to hear that you’re ridding your life of the things that no longer serve you and that you’re finding solutions to elements of your life that never seemed to fit quite right before.”
When I read this, tears started streaming down my face; it’s one of the most touching things someone’s ever written to me. Largely because she’s saying that she KNEW, and at the time, I had no idea anyone could see how much pain I was in, and I guess I didn’t even see the pain, or, I just did my best to normalize it. And also because even though I’m not sure how versed she is in trans* identities and gender politics, that actually has no bearing on her knowing what I’m saying. She knows, because she knows who I am, and that feels so personally connecting, and intensely empowering.
Thirty-one year old kid working as school janitor
Posted: October 21, 2013 Filed under: Janitorial work, Passing | Tags: androgynous, flu shot, gender identity, genderqueer, high school, janitor, passing, trans 1 CommentLast week I got my free flu shot, in the cafeteria of the high school I used to work at (I now just work at an elementary school). I went around back, and luckily ran into a former co-worker who was dumping garbages. It was cool to get to see him, and I was able to just go directly inside along with him, instead of going through the front, going to main office, checking in, getting visitor name tag, etc. etc. I chatted with him for a minute, then followed others down to the cafeteria to get the shot. A lady was there to organize us and hand out the forms we need to fill out. She looked at me kinda sideways and said, “How old are you?”
“Me? I’m thirty-one.”
“Oh, I thought you were a kid!”
“Oh, yeah, I get that sometimes.”
“OK good… well you’re lucky.”
I think she meant lucky that I look so young? I do feel lucky – I like passing as a kid. And I was even wearing my janitor uniform including ID badge on this occasion and everything, ’cause I was heading straight to work. Don’t know of many high-schoolers who’d be sporting that outfit.
janitorqueer 