Why I’ve been writing here

Today is the day I’ve been writing on this blog for one year.  And… I really don’t see an end in sight – it doesn’t feel like I’ll be running out of steam any time soon.  I’m gonna hope that this is true!

There are a bunch of reasons I started and a bunch of reasons I keep going.  Some of them include:

  • I’m an exhibitionist, in a sense.
  • I really really really enjoy writing.  And ideas keep popping in my head.
  • The more I put into this, the more I get out of it.  That has not been the case for a lot of endeavors I’ve undertaken.
  • I’ve really been enjoying reading blogs by like-minded (and different-minded) individuals on a variety of topics, but mostly blogs about being queer and/or trans* in some way or form.  The blogs I read help keep me going.
  • It has helped me hone my writing / find a voice.  I’ve had pieces accepted for 2 anthologies this year (the process of editing and publishing is currently ongoing), and I’m working on a proposal for a 3rd piece.
  • I want to continue contributing to a body of information that is pretty obscure and hard to find, at least at this time.

Before starting this blog, I was writing epic emails to my therapist, generally on a weekly basis.  For over a year and a half.  I’m talking really really long emails.  Although she always read them – and we often talked about them – she would never reply to me.  She would also sometimes downplay how important they felt to me, referring to them as “notes,” when I would have chosen the phrase, “an outpouring of my soul,” haha.

I rarely ever write to her anymore (sometimes I cut and paste from my blog in an email to her, or ask her to look at a specific post).  I think I was relying on her to fulfill this really specific need (collecting and organizing thoughts through writing, knowing someone’s reading those thoughts), and I’ve shifted it all into this incredible, creative outlet.  She’s probably relieved about it – I know I kinda am, haha.

Before this, I’d never had a blog in such a public way.  I’d had private online “diaries” and mostly “friends only” online journals when I was younger, just about life in general.  But I’d never put this much about myself out into the internet in any shape, previously (my Facebook info and involvement is super sparse, for example).  Sometimes I’ve second-guessed myself.  Sometimes I’ve worried if so-and-so will find this, etc.  But overall, those fears are quickly drowned out by all the positives.  And ultimately, the type of anonymity / level of being out there publicly feels like it’s right where I wanna be.

To many more years!




lifting heavy things and reprioritizing privacy

I was in Massachusetts last week; I didn’t have internet access!  It was pretty great.  Back at work yesterday and today, we haven’t been doing a whole lot.  We’re in transitional mode – the bulk of summer work is done, and we’re gearing up for the school year.  Teachers have been coming in and setting up their rooms, needing things, creating lots of garbage and cardboard to break down.  I think next week is going to be busy, but for now, things have been comically slow at times.  Like yesterday, my first day back after my vacation, I came in at 6:30am, moved about 3 boxes, and then we went on break until about 8:50am.  And I can’t account for that time – I know co-workers were talking that whole time, but I was pretty much in a daze, and it felt like any normal 15-30 minute break.

Then today, we were going to be in the library for a while, cleaning, so I went to go find the radio we’ve been bringing around with us.  I looked all over and couldn’t find it.  I passed my supervisor in the hall and asked her if she knew where it was.  She switched gears and started looking for it; I gave up and went back to the library.  She eventually showed up without it.  Then my co-worker (who really can find anything we’re missing) went to track it down.  He came back and said he found it in a teacher’s classroom, but he couldn’t tell which one was hers and which one was ours.  So he didn’t touch them.  I then went down to the room to get ours.  This all took about an hour.  Then we listened to some sweet soft rock, to make our workday fly by.  One major facet of our job (especially during summers) is remembering where we last left things that we commonly use.  It’s an almost daily occurence that we’ll use a tool and then leave it behind and not need it until the following week and have no idea where we last had it.  A lot of mentally retracing steps.

My co-worker has commented more than once this summer about how strong I am – about how I don’t look it, but I can really lift stuff.  It’s really nice to hear, and true.  I mean, I’ve always gotten right in there to lift heavy things, but I have definitely gained some muscle mass since being on testosterone.  It’s the only noticeable physical change going on, and the only one I actually want and feel comfortable with; it’s all working out awesome so far.  Also, it’s not noticeable at work to the point where it’s unusual.  My uniform shirt is pretty baggy and bulky, so I think his comments are based on the amount I can lift with ease., as opposed to my appearance.  It is noticeable outside of work though, like if I wear a tank top or tighter shirt.  I’ve noticed some of my shirts feeling tighter / fitting better.

I imagine I’ll write more in depth about this at some point, but for now I just want to note that I am not out at work as non-binary.  Nor am I out as trans*.  I’m referred to with female pronouns, and I have never seriously considered advocating for that to change.  It just feels like it would be draining, beyond belief.  I’ve been pathologically private about myself, actually, until very recently when I started forcing myself to talk a little more.  And I finally revealed that I have a partner, and that we’ve been living together the whole time all you guys (co-workers and supervisor) have known me (we’re talking like 6 years).  But I forgot to drop a pronoun or name during that whole conversation, so I had to later use the word “girlfriend” even though I wouldn’t actually refer to her as such, just to be clear.

I’d been gradually realizing that all this secrecy was working against me and my ability to be an actual person while at work.  Since opening up little by little, working relationships have shifted for the better, and I’m feeling significantly more confident and comfortable.