3 super-short stories
Posted: September 12, 2016 Filed under: coming out, Writing | Tags: androgyny, bras, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, trans, transgender, trash, work, writing 8 CommentsContent note: crassness, body humor
1: “We’re Trendy”
My spouse and I were at a bar on the beach with another couple a few weeks ago. My friend (who is also trans) and I went to go get us some drinks. It was packed inside, and we had to squeeze past a long line for the bathrooms to get to the bar. On our way back with the beers, as we were squeezing by again, a woman was saying, “Hell, with this line, I could just go into the men’s room. You know, like transgenders. That trendy right now.” And, without really seeing her or stopping or anything, not missing a beat, I said, semi-loudly, “We’re trendy.” My friend repeated, “Yeah, we’re trendy.” According to my friend in the re-telling, she had a taken aback type reaction, but I didn’t see it; I just kept walking.
_________________________________________
2. “Nearly A”
Last night on our way to go brush our teeth, my spouse looked in on our guest room / my gigantic clothes pile. There was a bra on top of one clothing mound, and she picked it up and said, “What is this?!!” I told her it’s a bra. She kept it coming with the, “Why do you have this?” and “Where did this come from,” etc. And I said it was mine and I was saving it for if I ever wanted to dress up like a girl.
“This is so tiny; it’s a training bra,” she said.
“No it isn’t! This was my bra!!!” (I was being mock angry.)
I started fumbling with it in my hand, looking for a tag so I could prove to her it was a bra. It was kind of curled up, so I unrolled it and showed it to her.
It had a model number, and then it said, “SIZE: Nearly A.”
We both burst out laughing.
____________________________________________
3. “A Bag of Dicks”
Today, I was filling in for my supervisor, so I was working the day shift. The principal wanted me to clean up the front of the school, pick up sticks and garbage, sweep the walkway, stuff like that. So I did that for about an hour and a half before I decided that was good enough. I took the bag of trash around back to the dumpster, and as I passed the cardboard dumpster, I noticed a feminine looking backpack, a style that seemed older than elementary school age kids, just perched on top of cardboard boxes, at the perfect height where it was right where those side slide-y doors open. I flipped the flap of the bag, because I’m that kind of curious, and with just a glance, I realized that it was filled with dildos and vibrators, of all sizes and shapes, all of them different shades of pink. I quickly put the flap back and walked inside, mulling this over.
I texted my spouse:
“There is a bag of dicks in the cardboard dumpster today.”
“Haha, what?!” and then later, “What were the bag of dicks?! Haha”
“Like, literally! i took a pic on my crappy phone but didn’t turn out great cuz i wasn’t gonna touch them”
“Haha, why did the school have those?!”
“Someone swung by for a secret dump”
I then texted my co-worker, who was going to be at the school within the next half hour:
“There’s a bag of dicks in the cardboard dumpster.”
“????”
I just left him hanging until he got to work (I also texted some friends about the bag of dicks). Then, since this was one of the most exciting things that’s ever happened at work, I brought him right out to show him. He was pretty surprised, but I do get the sense he’s seen lots of weird stuff in his time. He asked me if I told anyone about it and what should we do? I said, “No!” Just my spouse, and I was gonna just dump it in the actual dumpster, not the cardboard one. But, like, maybe a little later (cause I was pretty sure he was going to investigate on his own). Sure enough, later on he approached me, and told me that he did a little digging and there were some latex gloves in there too and gym socks and also a gift card for Subway. Haha. He said, “fly your freak flag” a number of times. I felt a little more emboldened next time I went to throw out trash, and rooted around in the bag with my gloves on before throwing it into the trash dumpster. Yep, lots of dicks in there.
Summer of t-shirts #3 / Return to work
Posted: August 13, 2016 Filed under: Janitorial work, t-shirts, top surgery | Tags: gender identity, genderqueer, janitors, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, school, t-shirts, top surgery, transgender, uniforms, work 2 CommentsYesterday, I wore a t-shirt to work for the first time! It was glorious. I have been back to work for two weeks now, after being out for 9 weeks recovering from top surgery. It has been going more smoothly than I could have possibly imagined! Physically, I’m back to 100%, and in terms of work dynamics, I’m right back where I left things, which is better than I could have hoped for. I pictured I might be the odd person out, after being away so long, but everyone genuinely seems happy to see me. Our supervisor even got muffins for the day I came back!
So, work uniform: We have four styles of shirts we can wear – all of them are navy blue with the school district’s seal embroidered in yellow. The choices are:
long sleeved button-down
short sleeved button-down
t-shirt
polo shirt
Every 2 years, we can order 5 more. I had been down to only 5 total, though, for years, because I continually ordered more and more size S short sleeved button-downs, and they kept being too big. I had 5 that my spouse had tailored and hemmed (thank you!!!), and that was it. I had 2 t-shirts and one polo shirt, which I had ordered at some point, but never wore. Until yesterday!
Why didn’t I just wear a t-shirt immediately upon returning? This might be mild paranoia, but I didn’t want to change things up immediately for fear of fanning whatever rumors might be going around about the type of surgery I had. I only told 2 people at work, and I didn’t really want to talk about it. The short sleeve button-downs have pockets with buttons that just happen to fall right where my nipples are! Haha. So, I looked pretty much the same before and after surgery, in those shirts. I wanted a little time to pass before I moved on to what I really wanted to do: Wear a t-shirt!
I gotta say though, t-shirts are not as conducive to this hot weather. (It is soooooo hot in the school.) They are 100% cotton, and they get wet with sweat. The short sleeved button-downs are cotton/poly blend, and they are billowy and wick away moisture.
Once it’s fall, winter, and spring, I am going to be loving it though. I just need more shirts though! I think this is one of the years we get more – I’m going to order 5 small t-shirts!
In other work related news, I added a new page to my blog. It is called, glossary of janitorial words and phrases. I’m sure I’ll be adding to it as I think of more. Check it out – it might make you laugh (or possibly gross you out)…
Where I’m at with coming out at work
Posted: May 10, 2016 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, school, transgender, work 5 CommentsFor years, I’ve had this idea of the path I would follow for coming out at work. First, I would tell a few people in person, including the principal and my supervisor. Then I would talk to the principal about my plan for coming out to everyone else, and make sure that it was fine by her. This plan entailed writing an email to the school requesting male pronouns and a name change. And maybe a brief explanation about how I feel about my gender. Then I would try to be alert and correct people in the moment so that the adjustment period would move along quicker. Maybe I’d actually feel closer to certain people during this process. Currently, I am far away from almost everyone.
Paths often diverge into other directions, or gradually end or loop back around. I made it through quite a few of these steps, and each time, I felt an urgency to move ahead, and relief and pride for disclosing more about myself:
A little over a year ago, I came out to the principal of my school (workplace).
Then, about 5 months ago, I cam out to the head of the kitchen.
Four months ago, I came out to my co-worker.
Most recently, about 3 months ago, I came out to my supervisor.
I thought my supervisor was the major road block. That once that was taken care of, the rest would happen quickly and effortlessly. Because it seemed to be what I had been wanting for years. I wanted to tell all these people, I thought, so that I could move on to the next stage. But now I’m starting to think differently. I’m wondering if maybe I wanted to tell these people because I actually wanted them to know this thing about me, and not just as a means to get to the next thing. Because as soon as the euphoria of telling my supervisor wore off, the urge to move forward surprisingly died down. Currently I feel no desire to follow the next step(s) in my plan.
I could speculate as to why that is: The rest of the plan is too scary, so I’m tricking myself into believing I don’t really want it. This seems unlikely because emailing the rest of the school and then replying in the moment seems totally do-able if that’s what I want. Doing that stuff is so much more hands-off, and low key, as compared to coming out to someone face-to-face, especially if you don’t know how they’ll react.
Another guess: I’m worried that people won’t understand. I haven’t legally changed my name yet, and I do not plan on changing my gender marker on legal documents. I also don’t plan on using the men’s room. (Luckily there are 3 “staff” restrooms within the school.) Will people be confused by my “partial” or “selective” transition? I’ve talked a lot about this in therapy over time, and I keep getting assured that people will take what I say at face value, and I don’t need to over-explain. I always thought about using a quip about bathrooms in my mass email: “Although I use the women’s restroom, don’t worry – I will continue to clean them all.” Or something like that. If people don’t understand that I am not transitioning into manhood, then so be it, right?
Another guess: Maybe I’ve actually reached the balance I’m looking for. Maybe I don’t actually want to be called by my new name, and male pronouns in all areas of my life because my gender is not that binary – maybe I actually need a little bit of both. This seems possible… I guess that time will tell.
Or: I am focused on my upcoming top surgery right now, that other gender-related issues are on the back burner. This might be the case. Again, time will tell.
Above all, when following any transition path, whether it’s laid out in stories in mass media, or the WPATH-SOC, or a therapist, or within each of us, it’s essential to listen to that heart/gut combination voice. Not the voice inside your head. Not the voice of peers transitioning. Not the voice of medical professionals.
Sometimes it’s like there is one roadblock in otherwise wide-open terrain
other times it’s like finding yourself suddenly where you’ve never been
sometimes it’s coming across something completely unexpected
That voice that says, “this feels right,” or “this does not feel right,” or “I’m not sure about this yet so I’m going to slow down and/or try a different path for a while.” This voice always has a simple message, and it’s always there, even if it seems buried by other, less important voices. Sometimes it’s a complex process to try and figure out what you want to do with that voice’s message, but the message itself is always simple and straightforward.
My voice unexpectedly told me that it’s not time to come out to everyone at work right now, if ever. At a time when I was sure my voice was going to say, “full speed ahead! You’re almost there!” it actually did a 180. And, although a part of me wants to just complete a task that has been on my mind for years, it is much more satisfying to listen to this voice than to check off one more thing on my transition to-do list.
Speaking of to-do lists, here’s one version of my transition to-do list, from almost 2 years ago: Gender identity related “to-do list”
There have been many, many versions of this, with lots of revisions. That’s part of what it means to be on a path…
I came out to my supervisor
Posted: January 27, 2016 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, janitors, lgbtq, manual labor, non-binary, queer, trans, transgender, work 14 CommentsI am on a roll! It feels like the end of “coming out at work” is in sight. This may have been the biggest hurdle, because it seemed the most unpredictable – I wasn’t sure how she’d react. Or rather, I could deduce how she might react at different times – I just had to make sure to pick a good time…
She had been out on medical leave for 6 weeks, and I expected there to be a transitional period when she came back. So I didn’t plan / put any pressure on myself to say anything in the foreseeable future. But once she was back, I realized it did seem to be good timing. I dreaded approaching her while she was in her office (if I could even catch her in there). It seemed so daunting to start such a conversation from scratch, but that’s exactly what I planned on doing, since we’d be in a semi-private location.
Last Wednesday, however, I was running the auto-scrubber in the cafeteria, when she came up to me to explain some extra work my co-worker and I would be doing that night. I then turned the auto-scrubber back on, but she came back to me with something else. She had some news about someone who used to teach at our school years ago. She was relating to me as another worker with history in the building, something she has never done before. Sort of, “I knew you’d remember her, so I thought I’d tell you.” It was a bonding moment, as much as seems possible between us. I realized, this is the time to tell her! We were already conversing (not a common thing) and all I have to do is segue, as opposed to start from nothing.
I said, “Oh, I’ve got two things to run by you.” I told her about surgery and needing time off first. She was totally fine with that and didn’t ask any questions. I was concerned she might. I dreaded telling her I was taking off more time, since I took so much time last year. It went so smoothly! Then I added that I have something else that is more of a long-term thing. I told her I’m changing my name and pronouns to he/him/his. That I already have, in fact, except for at work. She said that this must be a long term thing because this is the first she’s heard of it! I assured her she was one of the first people I’m telling. (I strongly suspect that she already knew something, because I came out to the head of the kitchen a couple of months ago, and they talk about everything. That may have been somewhat strategic on my part.)
The rest of the conversation centered around her advising me about what I would be able to do, when. She said I’d have to wait until I’ve legally made changes. Then I should go to the principal, and she will deal with it in her own way. I don’t believe I do need to wait until my name is legally changed (and I’m not planning to change my gender), and I think I have some say about how I come out and when, but I’m not about to jump ahead to the next steps anytime soon anyway. I told her I am going by Kameron, and she even said, “I like it.”
We wrapped up the conversation, which went so well, considering. I turned the auto-scrubber back on and could not stop smiling. I had been dreading this for so long, and it just organically occurred in the moment. I was on turbo charge for the rest of the day. In my mind, I kept jumping ahead to what I would have to do next, and then reminding myself to just be in this moment, and feel this elation that doing this thing had created.
I really can’t envision what I’ll be doing next. Which means I should just wait for a while until it seems clear. (It would be talking to the principal again – something I can tell I’m not ready for right now.)
For now – WHEEEEEEE!
Other related posts:
I came out to the head of the kitchen
I came out to my co-worker
Posted: January 7, 2016 Filed under: coming out, top surgery | Tags: coming out, ftm, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, top surgery, trans, transgender, work 3 CommentsI have been coming out to my (newer) co-worker in stages, over the last year or so. At first, I just wanted him to stop calling me “honey” and “girl.” So I told him that. He asked about “brother” and “man,” and I said those were fine. He easily made that switch. I think he saw me as a butch lesbian.
He initially used to talk to me about his gay step-son, but over time, that changed into him talking about his transgender step-daughter. She is transitioning while in high-school; I can’t imagine the stress of that! My co-worker seems supportive if not a little critical about how she chooses to present herself. So, with that door opened, I’ve talked to him about how I don’t feel either male or female. He has asked if I would make medical changes, and I have been vague.
About 2 months ago, we were in the faculty lounge, and the newspaper was on the table. The front page had an article about a new radio station I was getting involved in. So I pointed it out to him and told him I’m a DJ. He was super supportive and excited, asking me how he could listen, if he could come down and check it out, what I was playing, and if I had a radio handle. I suddenly felt cornered because I don’t have a DJ name, I’m just going by Kameron, which is not the name I go by at work (yet.) But that feeling melted away into, “it will be fine to tell him.” So I did – told him I use a different name on the radio and outside of work, and I talked to him about how I would like to switch and use this name at work too, but it’s hard. I also said I go by male pronouns. He took it all in stride, more excited about the radio thing than anything else.
He has started to call me “Kam” when no one else is around. I do not promote the use of “Kam” as a nickname, but coming from him, it is endearing.
Then last week, we were talking about his step-daughter again, and I segued the conversation into how I will be getting top-surgery. (I had mentioned this once before, hypothetically, and he seemed confused, wondering if I was going bigger or smaller – because it probably seems like I have nothing there.) I figured he is one of the few people I would fill in about why I am going out of work, and the sooner I can get some of that out of the way, the better. I expressed my anxiety about telling our supervisor and about coming out at work in general. And about what to say to whom. It does feel good to be able to be open with one person at work, at least.
Yesterday, for the first time ever, I could clearly see the steps it would take to come out at work. And it felt like I could actually do this. Currently, my supervisor is out of work, so I’m not going to be doing anything about it anytime soon. I feel like talking to her is the biggest hurdle. If I could do that, the rest definitely seems do-able. Part of me wants to skip talking to her, and just let her know via email, like everyone else, but I don’t think that would be wise…
Year end / I scheduled top surgery
Posted: December 30, 2015 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work, mental health, Testosterone, top surgery | Tags: coming out, depression, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, mental health, non-binary, queer, testosterone, top surgery, trans, transgender, work 13 Comments2015 has been one of the hardest years of my life. I was majorly depressed for 4 months of it. I was moderately depressed for the vast majority of the rest of it. I was out of work for a total of 2 months due to mental health issues. I was in the hospital, and I was also in a partial hospitalization program. I did do some fun things (like camping, going to Pittsburgh, marching in the pride parade, adopting 2 cats, going to the beach 3 weekends in a row, becoming a radio DJ, seeing Sleater-Kinney) but they failed to feel like much fun. I’m only now starting to feel like myself for extended periods of time. For example, today and yesterday (but not the day before), I felt like a person in a normal mood, and that felt great. I hope tomorrow feels like that too! I started on a new medication 2 weeks ago, and I’m really hoping something clicks…
I wrote a similar post last year, and I summed up gender-related stuff this way:
“I continued to settle into a new and improved place with hormone therapy and talk therapy, but I’m finding I still have a LONG way to go until I really am where I see myself. I want to be out as non-binary in all areas of my life. I want to go by a different name. I want all the people who know me to use male pronouns in reference to me, not just most of the people… I might want top surgery…”
I made some pretty big strides – I started to go by a different name, and now all my friends and about half of my family use that name. It’s still growing on me – it feels about equally as strange as my former name feels, now, but that is actually progress. Currently it feels like neither name really is my name, but I think that’ll shift with more time.
This year I went from feeling like I might want top surgery to scheduling a date! This feels like my biggest accomplishment, based on the amount of mental headspace this topic has been taking up. I’ll be going to Dr. Rumer on June 1st. I chose this date because I purposefully want to miss certain things by being out of work. I really do not like working in the summers, and I especially have a hard time with the transition from school-year to summer. I have a lot of sick time accrued, and I plan to use a lot. Often, people can be back at a desk job 2 weeks after surgery, but since my job is so physical, I plan on being out for 8 weeks, as of now. Why not?! That’ll allow me to miss the last 3 weeks of school plus half of the summer. That would be really amazing.
So if I were to sum up gender-related stuff now, a year later, it’d look like this: I want to be out as non-binary in all areas of my life (still). I want to come out at work, so that pretty much everyone will be using my new name and male pronouns in reference to me. No more dual identities. I want to get through the ordeal of surgery without too much psychic pain (physical pain is fine). I want to wear t-shirts! I want to make up my mind about testosterone – take more? take less? go off of it? I want to legally change my name at some point…
These are not resolutions, but it will be neat to go back and see if I made more progress or not.
Other things I’d like to focus on in the coming year:
– Getting back to being more social. Being social this year was too difficult, so I didn’t push it. I’ve been a little more talkative with teachers at work lately, and I’d like to re-connect with some people, both locally and through writing letters to far-away friends.
– Enjoying the summer. I never enjoy the summer – I usually get depressed. But since I’ll be most likely out of work for half of it, maybe I’ll feel it more. I’d like to do a road trip, more time at the beach for sure, maybe some backyard fires, weatherproof our picnic table and actually use it, and go on walks.
– Taking more photos. My dad gave me a new camera for my birthday/xmas, and I want to use it!
– Giving myself a break. I’ve been pretty hard on myself, and I’m going to try not to be (as much).
I came out to the head of the kitchen at my school (workplace)
Posted: November 30, 2015 Filed under: coming out | Tags: coming out, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, school, top surgery, trans, transgender, work 5 CommentsAbout 7 months ago, I came out to the principal at school. She asked me what she could do, and at the time I said nothing right now, but eventually I’d like to send out an email and go by a new name and male pronouns. I still cannot foresee when this email might happen, but I did get myself one step closer a couple of weeks ago.
I was filling in for my supervisor (working during the day while school is in session) and so I had some time to drink coffee in the kitchen and stuff. About a year ago, I told the head of the kitchen that I was getting testosterone from my doctor (because I was leaving to go to an appt. that day), and that I don’t feel like either a man or a woman. She didn’t say much at the time, but it felt pretty exhilarating to tell her anyway. She was also the first person at work I told I was getting married. One week before the date. I barely see her unless we’re working together over the summer, but over the years and years and years, I feel somewhat close to her, closer than anyone else probably.
So we were sitting drinking coffee, and this was around the time I was going to be taking a day off to travel outside of Philly to go to a consultation for top surgery. We were talking about the time off my co-worker was taking, so I just said that I’m taking a day off and I told her why. At first she was surprised and asked me why I would be getting surgery (she might have thought I had breast cancer?). I explained that I don’t like my chest the way it is, and I talked to her again about how I don’t feel like either a man or a woman. We talked about what she’d do if she did have breast cancer, and we talked about people who have gotten breast reductions. I then told her I’d like to go by male pronouns and a new name at work, but I’m just not there yet. She said, “Well you need to do what will make you comfortable.” Then a teacher came in needing something, so the conversation was over. But I was pretty much in disbelief I was able to tell her all this. It wasn’t premeditated like talking to the principal was. And she seemed to react positively.
Normally at work, I don’t see her because our shifts overlap by only about a half hour, and I don’t really have a reason to go say hi every day. But a couple of days after my trip, she came and found me and asked me about how it went. It made me feel really good – I did not expect a follow-up. I told her the out of town consultation went really well, and the one with the local surgeon did not go well. She name dropped a local plastic surgery practice that might do what I’m looking for, and I found out later through a facebook group that some trans-guys have gone to one of the plastic surgeons. Not sure whether I would pursue that or not, but it was nice she was thinking of me.
I’m not sure what’s holding me back from coming out at work, exactly, but it does feel like these spontaneous conversations are just more natural than a mass coming out email would be. I still think the email is necessary because I can’t talk to every person (or even more than a couple), but it just feels daunting…
The implications of “back to school”*
Posted: August 31, 2015 Filed under: Janitorial work, mental health | Tags: anxiety, depression, emotions, janitors, manual labor, mental health, school, summer, work 15 Comments*Back to school is in quotations because as a janitor, I didn’t actually leave school. We’re just gearing up for everyone else coming back.
I spent this summer waking up at 5:20AM every day, working to get the school ready for students and teachers. We are winding down from that (we’ve been wound down for a while – we started out really fast and got done early). I’m back to late nights (2-10:30PM) without much to do other than dump the trash of the few teachers who have been coming in to set up every day. It’s been nice that the cleanliness of the school is at a standstill. We can just look around and say, “we got all that done.” And we don’t yet have to work to maintain it. Kids start back on Wednesday, so that will all change in a couple days.
While we were busy though, we were rushing through things. We scrubbed every desk and chair. We cleaned surfaces in the rooms, shined the sinks, dusted. We scrubbed the old wax up off the floors. I single-handedly waxed every floor. 3 times over. I’d like to know how many square feet that was. Tens of thousands? Maybe even a hundred thousand? Or a lot more?
It has been a relief to drop back to the later shift and not feel like I’m stumbling, half-awake, in the mornings, just to come home and start dreading about waking up early again. I had been going to bed at 8:30PM! My mental health has been better overall, but not great. I’ve been mildly depressed all summer.
Going back to late nights has been lonely, and strangely, a lot of my worries have centered around what to eat before work. I need to fit in breakfast and lunch. I don’t know what to eat. I also don’t really know what to do, all by myself, other than oversleeping. I’m forcing myself to do some things I don’t really feel like doing, as of now. I guess the hope is I will grow into it; I will like it once I’m doing it. I’m going to be a radio DJ starting pretty soon. I’m also going to take a writing class.
I’ve been realizing that I’m living with a lot of dread lately. Whether that’s residual from mental health issues earlier in the year, or whether that’s just me being me, I can’t really figure out. It’s been helpful to notice it while it’s happening though, and just focus on the here-and-now. Remind myself that I’m actually fine in whatever I am doing presently, so just be more involved in that, rather than thinking about all the perceived horribleness ahead.
For example, I’m dreading going back to doing the exact same thing, at work, every day. But, it really is what I make it, from moment to moment. Unlike most jobs, I don’t have unpredictable things pop up daily, or new challenges to tackle, or people to deal with. It’s just me, in my head. I need to remember that it’s important to change what’s on my iPod frequently – new music, new podcasts… And to talk to people on the phone. And although I don’t believe her, my therapist keeps telling me that I’m actually in control of my own thoughts. So I can choose to keep obsessing about something negative, or I can move on to more interesting topics. In my mind, I am powerless to whatever my brain ends up dwelling on, and I get stuck feeling whatever feelings those thoughts conjure up. I should work on that…
Do I ever feel like I’m “not trans enough”?
Posted: August 17, 2015 Filed under: coming out | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, society, trans, transgender, transition, work 5 CommentsYep.
In some specific ways, and not at all in other ways. No one has ever told me that I’m not trans enough, but if they did, that just wouldn’t resonate at all. No one should be policing others’ lived experiences in any way. Being trans doesn’t mean you have to fulfill A, B, and C. If you identify as trans, you get to identify as trans!
The first time I really seriously considered that I was trans was in January of 2002. I went to an event at my college, and wrote in my journal afterward,
“Tonight I went to a presentation on transgender rights, mainly because I barely know what transgender means let alone the politics of the subject.
This would be the entry where I write about how I liked being called Tough Guy by drunk people, and how I liked it when this drunk guy mumbled that I look like a boy.
I guess … I am trans.
Apparently, transgender is much broader than I thought, and there are many cases of discrimination that I was not aware of. I’d like to learn more about this.”
After that, I never really looked back, re-evaluated my identity, or hesitated to call myself trans. Even when some friends around me started to shift from identifying as “genderqueer,” to identifying as “FTM” and started transitioning. Even when I was the only one in this support group who was not actively transitioning or planning to ASAP. Even when I attended a social group called “Guys’ Night Out” despite not being sure I was “one of the guys.” They were all trans, and I also was (am) trans.
I’ve gone to a handful of local trans-related events, some political, some social, and some creative. I haven’t walked away feeling an affinity with the people in the space, but that really has nothing to do with gender identity. My inability to connect with other trans people in real life is not because I’m not trans enough. It’s because I’m not social enough. I wish I could connect more, but I’m not pushing myself right now.
I am very secure in my transhood.
However, when you throw societal views into the mix, it gets tricky (sticky, icky). The biggest example of this for me is work. If I were trans enough, I would be out at work, and I would transition. It would be difficult, but it’d be relatively straightforward. Since I’m in this in-between land (which I strongly feel is where I fit), I’m in this limbo at work (and out in public as well). I have come out to the principal of my school (workplace), but have made no further efforts. Because I do not feel trans enough to ask for changes.
I just feel like typing that again – I do not feel trans enough to ask for changes, at work or in public. No one at work uses my preferred name or pronouns. I haven’t asked them to. My friends and community are behind me 100% – everyone has been amazing with my recent social name change. Family is trickier, but they all do know. What do I do about work though? Maybe I wait till I have legally changed my name. Maybe I talk further with the principal to figure out a plan. I do feel she would support me. As of now, I’m doing nothing, indefinitely…
Every day at work, I talk in a relatively high pitch (for me). Then I get in my car and talk to myself or sing in my (newer) lower register. Why don’t I talk that way at work? I can’t really answer that.
Not everyone is as supportive or knowledgeable as my friends and community. I went to a meeting recently, and we all went around and introduced ourselves. I included my preferred pronouns in my introduction. The person across from me scoffed. I felt not trans enough. Not trans enough for mainstream society, at this time.
I wonder will this change in my lifetime? And if not really, can I at least contribute in some really small ways to small changes around me? Can I at least get everyone in all the bubbles I occupy (this means work and out and about in public) on board? I think that I can, but it’s going to take me a lot longer than I’d like.
“Passing” at work
Posted: June 12, 2015 Filed under: Passing | Tags: androgyny, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, janitors, kids, lgbtq, non-binary, passing, queer, school, trans, transgender, work 8 CommentsIt’s been a while since I’ve written anything about work. During my depression, I was in and out of work a few times, totaling 8 weeks of sick leave. It’s been difficult to get back into the swing of things. Some changes were made, and I wasn’t in the best place to acclimate to new routines. It’s starting to get a little better, just in time to get disrupted again for summer cleaning (switching from an afternoon/night shift to a day shift starting the week after next.)
But this post isn’t really about that work stuff. It’s about something that brightened my day yesterday. A parent of a student saw me as male, and it made my day. I know the term “passing” is problematic because it connotes a deception is taking place and it sets up a discrepancy amongst those who “pass” and those who don’t – it shouldn’t be about that! We are who we are. Despite all this, I really like the word and feel like it describes my experience.
Here’s a few past posts where I talk about it:
Recent instances of passing
Passing as a teenager yet again
Thirty-one year old kid working as a school janitor
Rumors flying around the kindergarten classroom
I feel like people generally see me as female. I gotta say I’m even (very pleasantly) surprised when I’m seen as male; I feel I am not masculine enough. When I am seen as male, “passing” accurately describes the experience, because I am not male (I am definitely not female either).
Yesterday, a dad and his son approached me while I was cleaning. The son forgot his spelling homework and had to get access to his classroom. I said sure and which room and we went there. I unlocked the door, turned on the lights, and stood waiting, because that’s what we’re supposed to do. The kid came back from his desk with a book but no spelling homework. The dad asked,
“Where’s your homework?”
The kid sputtered, “I guess when we were clearing out our desks I must have put it in my bag? But I do need this book.”
“So we just bothered this gentleman for no reason?”
I said, “That’s totally fine. At least you got your book!”
The dad continued, “Tell him you’re sorry.”
“Sorry.”
“Not a problem. You guys have a good night.”
I was conversing with these people and spending more than a second in their presence. And the dad saw me as male!!! And whether the kid knows I’m biologically female (I’m not out at work… yet!) he didn’t say anything one way or the other. It felt really validating. I held onto that feeling as long as I could.
In other news, the NY Times is giving trans-people an opportunity to tell their story in 400 words or less. It’s totally awesome! Here’s the link to what’s out there already, and a chance to share your own story: Tell your story. I already told my story!
janitorqueer 