Trying to get out of the fog, back to the party

Posted: September 27, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

I’ve been on testosterone (very low-dose) for a little over 6 months now, and in some ways, that was the best 6 month streak I’ve ever had.  Now, I find myself crashing, in some very familiar ways…  Did I think I was now immune to these lows?  I’m not sure – I’ve felt more “normal” than ever before lately, so yeah I think I figured maybe my “highs and lows” would not vary as much as they have my whole adult life.  But I think they’re still a pretty big part of me.

At age 17, I was diagnosed as bipolar.  By 23, I was seriously questioning that, and slowly getting off all my meds, and deciding that I had been misdiagnosed.  I’m certain of that by now.  But, I’m pretty sure I do have some ups and downs that are outside “normal range.”  I also have a tendency to just emotionally shut down to avoid the whole feeling things in the first place (not fun!) .  Being in therapy recently has helped me avoid shut-down mode.  So has testosterone.  I think.  Maybe.

I’ve been pretty down for the past few weeks.  But, relatively, it’s not that bad.  In the past, I’ve experienced bouts of depression that have lasted roughly 4-6 months at a time and have left me basically non-functional.  Currently, I’m pretty much normally functioning.  I’m just not getting much enjoyment out of things, and I’m dreading anything upcoming in the near future.  Like, really dreading.  Also, interestingly as per my unfaltering optimism, I believe this fog is going to lift any day now, and I’ll get right back into things.  We’ll see about that.

It’s just… kind of a bummer.  The first few months on testosterone were a really fun mix of elation, warm and fuzzy, cozy, euphoria, sexual energy, confidence burst, and anxiety-be-gone!  Now it’s feeling like… party’s over!  But, again with the optimism, I think that as soon as I navigate out of this gloom, the party will still be there, waiting for me.

From whimsical musings to invasive ruminations on transitioning

Posted: September 17, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

For over a decade, I had been going back and forth hundreds (thousands?) of times in my head about whether transitioning was right for me or not.  Or if not every aspect of it, what about this but not that?  Will I ever move forward with some aspect maybe?  At some point not that long ago, I seemed to come to the conclusion that no, I wasn’t going to move forward because if I were, I would have done something about it by now.  And I haven’t, so I’m not.  I must be lacking some internal drive, so it must not be something that I need to do.  I settled on identifying as genderqueer and trans* but not planning on medically transitioning in any way.  And I seemed satisfied with that.  (?)  But not quite, or, no, not at all actually.  Because it was still on my mind.  Sometimes just as whimsical musings in the back of my brain.  Other times as pervasive/invasive body-dysphoric consistent ruminations.

I guess I always thought that if I did move forward with something, it would be top surgery, and not HRT.  Because I never want to consistently pass as male.  I want to continue looking androgynous forever.  Top surgery could help with that (although I’m fortunate in that I can get away without surgery, and without binding, in hiding what I have).  Taking testosterone would be going further than I want to go.  So I thought.

I thought it had to be all or nothing.  I thought I had to have a case ready about how I need to transition, in order to access testosterone.  And I don’t need to transiton, and I really don’t like to lie.  I thought I would need a letter from a therapist, and to jump through all these hoops, to access testosterone.  And I wasn’t even sure I wanted it!  Eventually I reached a point where I just knew that I needed to try it, at some point, just so that I could know.  So that at the very least, I could think about it differently or think about it less often, as it relates to a decision about something I should or should not do.

I have this awesome therapist.  She doesn’t know much about trans* identities.  I’m fairly certain she had not previously had a trans* client before, although I could be wrong.  I’d been talking to her about this stuff, and she’d been following along, more or less, in stride.  When I would say I need to try this out, she would say, “then why not!”  I asked her if she’d write me a letter if need be, and she said she wouldn’t be comfortable doing that; she doesn’t have enough knowledge about it.  Still operating under the assumption that I would need a letter, I started also seeing another therapist, basically for the purpose of getting a letter.

This second therapist gave me the name of a doctor during our first session.  Turns out that, apparently, I didn’t need a letter!  Turns out I didn’t need to convince anyone at any point that I wanted to transition medically.  I never once had to lie to get my hands on testosterone.  And once I did get my hands on it, I was given the freedom to experiment with the dosing, basically use as much or as little as I wanted.  Turns out I want to use as little as possible.  Turns out I might be able to stay on it for the rest of my life without looking any more masculine than I currently do (this has yet to be proven, but it’s been 6 months now, and so far, so good).  And the internal effects, with this super low dose, are significant and pretty much better than I could have even hoped for.

Basically, for all those years of wondering and second-guessing and processing and feeling anxious and obsessing and daydreaming and doubting myself and ultimately sort of concluding by default that I wouldn’t take any steps forward, actually doing something about it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

And in retrospect, it isn’t like there’s no turning back, to some extent.  Testosterone is a slow-moving substance in terms of long-term changes… I’m really enjoying the internal forward momentum though.

chiropractic care shifts since taking testosterone

Posted: August 27, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’ve been going to a chiropractor about once a month for over 5 years.  I have mild scoliosis; my back goes out of alignment in a way that always throws my hips off.  Plus, working as a janitor requires a lot of repetitive motions – I try to alternate between right and left as much as I can, but I know I’m skewing to the right anyway.  I want to do whatever I can to prevent ever having a back injury.

My doctor noticed the scoliosis when I was 13 and treated it by having me wear a lift in my left shoe.  Is this really a treatment for scoliosis?  I’d been wearing the lift my whole life right up till seeing this chiropractor.  He immediately said I didn’t need it.  He was definitely right.  The appointments always go the same way.  He uses the same motions and tools to put me back into alignment.  It is a very short amount of time.  I can feel the improvements every time I walk out.  Sometimes I’m doubtful about how long the effects last though, when I’m going right back to the same tasks every day…

I had an appointment two weeks after starting testosterone, back in April.  The routine seemed slightly different, and he commented I was looking good.  I wasn’t planning to, but I mentioned the testosterone.  I figured he might have some questions – at least ask me why I was taking it.  I’ve never said anything about how I identify to him; he’s totally cool though.  I imagine he’d totally take it in stride.  He didn’t ask though.  All he said was, “testosterone will do wonders for muscle mass, but we’re looking at your whole system here.  Your spine works in tandem with muscles, joints and ligaments – it’s also connected to every single internal organ.”  I think he went on, but I didn’t really catch it all because it sounded like jargon of the profession to me.  He was just laying the groundwork to let me know it is important I keep coming.

I am really debating though.  I’ve gone 3 more times since then, and I don’t seem to be nearly as far out of alignment as I was before the testosterone.  I can’t know for sure because I can’t quite see what he’s doing and I don’t know enough about it.  But I’ve been feeling like it might not be necessary.  And he’s said more things to the effect of, it’s important to keep fine-tuning your body.  Like one time he told me an extended metaphor about not even Yo Yo Ma being able to play well with a shitty, out-of-tune cello.  Or something.

I never thought testosterone would change anything about my back, but it does make sense.  If I’m developing some muscle strength to balance things out, I might be able to hold the alignment better.  I do think my core muscles have shifted, so that if my back is a lever, it has become a slightly more efficient lever than it was before.  That is so cool!  I’m still going every month in the meantime, but I’m trying to figure out whether I want to continue or not…

five months on T without physical changes

Posted: August 18, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I’m happy to report that outward changes continue to be extremely minimal!  I’m going to focus on the most noticeable internal-experience changes, now that it’s been a good chunk of time and it feels like these changes are here to stay.

Pain:  I was in quite a bit of constant physical pain, mainly joint pain in my hands and arms, probably from repetitive motions at work and/or not eating enough.  Instantly, that was gone.  In addition, I’m just kind of suddenly getting a little bit stronger and work is way easier.  Also, I’m experiencing sensations of pain a lot differently than before.  Like, it’s unpleasant!  Whereas before, the constant joint pain was unpleasant, but certain types of pain (basically, self-inflicted) were pleasant and/or comforting.  I’m not going to say I’ll never self-injure again, but it does feel so far away from where I’m at right now.  That is so amazing to me.  I hated that I did that, even very recently, quite a lot.

Hunger:  Hasn’t ended up being sustainable unfortunately, but seems worth noting.  I felt hungrier for about one week, early on.  I thought eating was a worthwhile thing to do.  Briefly, I had chemical signals connecting food with pleasure centers in my brain; It was awesome!  Like, I would think about and look forward to getting to eat.  I would prefer certain things over other things, by a lot.  That quickly dwindled back to my normal feelings and attitudes about food, which are not very exciting.  Not at all.  Sometimes eating is a real chore, in fact.  The one thing that feels different now is that if I skip eating at a time I usually eat at, I will feel more motivated to catch up.  In that way, I will feel hungrier if I don’t eat.  That wasn’t really true before.  Also, I’ve gained 5 or 6 pounds, which manifests in the one externally noticeable physical change going on – muscle growth, mainly in my arms, shoulders, pecs, and abs.  Really psyched about this.  Can’t go wrong with more muscles!

Warm and Fuzzy:  I just feel cuddly and cozy.  I feel connected to my body in a way I never have before.  It’s really hard to describe, but I’m sure people can relate.  Like, my clothes feel soft on my skin.  Like, I’m walking on pillows and clouds, yet paradoxically, I feel totally grounded.  Like, I had no idea how jagged and disconnected I was before; I had nothing to compare it to.  These sensations have been dwindling over time – I think I’ve been getting used to them.  Like the clouds are not quite as soft and pillowy as they were at first.

Sex Drive:  Having a sex drive I can relate to is awesome.  Being able to have sexual thoughts and have that be connected to a body sensation.  My body responding to sexual stimuli.  Having totally different sensations everywhere on my body than I used to, in a good way.  Clitoral growth, which means actually being able to feel and experience erectile tissue sensations.  Previously, junk was so small and sensitive in a bad way, it wasn’t all that fun.

Anxiety:  The biggest, most drastic change, is anxiety:  totally gone!  Like general anxiety just disappeared into thin air.  I still totally over-think things and mentally worry way too much, but the fact that those thoughts aren’t connected to physical anxiety responses is a huge relief.  I was exerting so much energy on things that don’t matter!  I was feeling so drained and limited by these feelings that I couldn’t get away from before!  It’s a lot of work avoiding things that might trigger unpleasant internal responses; now I don’t do that nearly so much!  It is totally a brain chemistry shift – I don’t know how or why, but it’s not something I’m worrying about haha.  Also, emotionality overall hasn’t changed much.  I still have been experiencing the same range and types of emotions, which I’m happy for.  If anything, there might be a slight capacity to acknowledge anger and frustration now, which seems positive.  I’ll have to see how that plays into my life.

I’ve been on Androgel, 1%, 1 pump (1.25g) per day.  I started with 1.62% for about 2 months, but I started to see some changes that freaked me out (voice dropping and body hair growth), so I asked to switch to 1%.  Which I did for 2 months (voice went back to where it was, body hair growth stopped).  Then recently I started alternating between the two every other day.  Which has been working out so far, and I like.  I just hope I can continue to alternate my prescriptions.  I might be questioned on that…

I have had some other slight physical changes that seem common:  I feel warmer, body temperature-wise.  I’ve had some pimples pop up, particularly in places I wouldn’t normally get pimples – thighs, butt, armpit(?)  I’ve been slightly sweatier (my partner would say significantly sweatier, haha).

I want to be able to use testosterone for the rest of my life, but to not change much, physically speaking, over time, if possible.  So far, it does seem possible.  The internal shifts are too good, I couldn’t have even imagined, or dreamed them up, in advance.  I’m still just hanging out, revelling in it all.  One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

further access to testosterone despite not medically transitioning

Posted: July 30, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Friday, I picked up a prescription for Androgel refills, and I’m now covered for 4 more months at $6.25 per month!!!  No appointment, no blood work, no more insurance hassles.  I felt elated that it was so easy.  I feel like initially when I was trying to get some testosterone a few months ago, I was going back for so many appointments, having to call insurance, having to wait for the pharmacy to phone my doctor, worrying I was going to be denied access because I was being upfront about not planning to use it to medically transition, etc.  It almost seemed not worth it.  But objectively, it was actually relatively easy to get.  And I’m so grateful I have health insurance.

It’s just that I wanted very badly to continue avoiding doctors and all that stuff for the rest of my life, kinda.  When I was younger, I was going to psychiatrists and getting prescriptions all the time.  Going to pharmacies, getting blood drawn, getting refills, trying sample pharmaceuticals, being misdiagnosed.  In a way, it feels like that’s what my young adulthood was about:  being mentally ill, seeing myself as someone who is mentally ill and not often fully functioning.  And then I just dropped out of the health system for like 8 years and gave up on pills.  I liked that, the dropping out, and really dreaded getting back into it in order to access testosterone.  It is so worth it though.  And the hard parts (I hope) are over.

Today at work, we went to our annual safety meeting, where we go over asbestos awareness, chemicals, fire hazards, blood-borne pathogens, the dangers of ladders, and how to lift heavy things.  It’s the same exact power point presentation every year, but I always really love it because it’s the only opportunity to get to see all the janitors from all the schools in the district.  I get to say hi to all the people I’ve worked with in the past.  And eat donuts!  My co-worker ate 2 bagels and 2 donuts.  I ate 2 donuts, a half of a bagel, and a cup of fruit.  It’s awesome that there was actually more than enough food this year.  In the past few years, they’ve skimped on the food, and it’s kind of been a bummer.

Also, I just want to note that I saw Swans this past week, and I went and sat down and fell asleep for the last 20 minutes of the show, despite their deafening levels, their heavy duty concrete walls of sound (I was wearing ear plugs).

 

 

low-dose testosterone for the rest of my life

Posted: July 24, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments

I’m a janitor at a school.  Also, sometimes I waltz around as a drag king (or once in a while, queen).  I feel pretty masculine, but I have no plans to medically transition anytime soon – most likely, I never will.  I strongly feel that I’d be lost if I were to transition and blend in as male.  As far as blending in as female?  That just sounds absurd in my head.  No way I feel I could, even though I’m aware I’m read as female most of the time.  …because it’s the default.  If I don’t tell people differently, how could they know how I see myself?  They can’t.  I’m not a woman (or a man).  I’m not a lesbian.  I’m not a butch dyke.  I’m not gay (er… that’s complicated).  But I probably look like those things.

About 4 months ago, I started a low-dose testosterone adventure.  I wanted to take testosterone long term while ideally, not going through any physical changes.  I didn’t know whether this would be possible, and I still have yet to find any information about whether it’s possible, specifically.  I largely feel comfortable with where I’m at in terms of gender presentation and expression.  But I’d been wondering a lot if certain internal experiences could be better.  Gradually, I found myself in a place where I realized, I need to try out a few things and see what works for me.  I got on a really low dose of Androgel and was completely floored by how well my body seemed to connect with additional testosterone.  To me, it feels like it has a whole lot more to do with my mental health than it does with my gender identity, but of course, it’s all intertwined.  As of now, I plan to be on testosterone for the rest of my life if possible, while minimizing physical changes.  I’m taking testosterone toward androgyny.  Although, I’m already androgynous, so I hope to be transitioning (outwardly) toward more of the same, actually.

I’ve felt a lot of different shifts, but most noteworthy is that my general anxiety is pretty much gone.  I spent my late teens and early twenties on a lot of different medications (antidepressants, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics) trying to find some balance.  None of these worked well for me.  Some of them were really shitty.  I just gave up and went off all medications, just tried to live with the anxiety and obsessive thought patterns.  I’m now in my early thirties, and it feels like increased testosterone was the missing link all along.  It is certainly significant.  I feel relatively balanced and at peace, for the first time in my life really.  And I owe that to trying testosterone under the unfounded assumption that maybe I really don’t have to go through many, if any at all, physical changes.

About 2 months in, I was freaking out that no, it wasn’t going to be possible, and I was going to have to stop.  I had acquired a tiny moustache.  My voice dropped the slightest bit, which really had me worried.  But I tried a lower concentrated version instead of stopping all together, still felt the incredible internal benefits, and as more time goes on, it does seem very possible.  My voice returned to the range I’m used to and comfortable with.  Other subtle changes have plateaued out, and I stopped worrying so much that I was going to have to choose between coming out in new ways to people I that didn’t really want to come out to, or stopping this thing that I was falling in love with, internally.

A lot of what I write about is going to be about whether this is still possible for me or not.  And I’m going to hope to gather info from others’ experiences, over time as well.

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