Still struggling / We got cats
Posted: April 17, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anxiety, cats, depression, emotions, insomnia, mental health, pets, sleeping, therapy 35 CommentsIt’s been three months now since I was hospitalized. I was out of work initially for 2 weeks, then I went back for about a month before being out for another 2 weeks. I started to feel like things were improving – it was starting to be spring, time was on my side, and I would have moments where the crushing depression was lifting.
Then I had a really rough few days last week. I had 2 nights of disturbed sleeping in a row, and that really made the difference in whether I was OK enough or not OK. I called into work one of the days, but that started to not feel like enough. Things at work were starting to really trigger my anxiety, and this just got worse and worse over the weekend.
I had an idea about the trajectory of my recovery, but my brain is not following along. I thought, “OK, I just went through a manic episode with delusional thinking. This was followed by about 2 weeks of hypomania and then some mixed symptoms. I thought I could get away without sinking into depression, but it caught up to me. I should be in this depression for a few weeks and then things will start to lift and I’ll feel like myself again.”
Those few weeks have been stretching into 2 months so far. Like I said, a couple weeks ago, it started to feel like things were improving a little bit, but then I fell again, fast and hard. That wasn’t part of the plan. My therapist suggested going out of work for even longer, to give myself some time to heal. So, I am currently out of work for a month. It feels like defeat/relief. I started taking Celexa in the hopes that it will help.
Some of those nights when I haven’t been sleeping well have been agony. There were nights where I didn’t actually sleep at all – just kind of dozed only to be pulled out of it by some thought attached to an anxiety-reaction, over and over and over again. Does anyone else go through periods of insomnia? I kept trying to go to sleep in the guest bed, then switch to the couch, then back to our bed, then the guest bed, the couch, our bed, the guest bed… The night stretched out to infinity. I started getting agitated. Pacing. Swearing at myself. Punching a soft chair. I could have done worse, so I’m glad it was just that.
I’m at a new low. When I thought recovery was on the horizon, I sunk lower. In my past, I have been more depressed than I am right now, but who’s comparing? This feels pretty fucking bad.
When my feelings were so bad I didn’t think I could even be with myself, my partner helped me arrange to spend the day with her mom. We went to the bank, got coffee, ran an errand at the mall, she brought me to my therapy appointment, and then we had lunch at her house. That helped.
When it wasn’t any better 2 days later, I called a friend and she picked me up on her way to doing a bunch of deliveries for work. We ate lunch at an Indian buffet. That helped.
When I couldn’t imagine being home alone anymore, I went to yoga with my partner. That helped.
When I couldn’t fathom what I would do with these unstructured days, I looked into a place called the Creative Wellness Center. They have a bunch of art workshops and support groups, and it’s all free. I went to a jewelery making workshop just because that was what was being offered when I got there, and I went to a support group. That helped, momentarily, but I would have to say the social element was super taxing, and I’m not sure if I will go back.
When I expressed extreme despondency in therapy today, she suggested a partial hospitalization program. She looked into it and they do currently have openings. It runs weekdays from 9:30-3:15. I think this is what I need right now. She is going to fill out the paperwork and get back to me – I may be able to start next week.
In brighter news, my partner and I adopted 2 cats two weeks ago. Their names are Joan (after Joan Jett) and Jarboe (singer in a band called Swans). Normally, getting new pets would probably be exciting and fun. There are elements that are nice – it’s fun to watch them play together, and I like when they are cuddly. But to be honest, it has been stressful, just because of the state I am in. They are cats, doing their cat things. They get into stuff and knock things over. They eat things they shouldn’t. We’re containing them to the first floor right now, and Joan keeps getting through to go to the upstairs or basement. They are a whirlwind of motion; they are creatures being alive.
Joan
Jarboe
I keep hoping that they will save me from what I am feeling, but the best they can do is distract me momentarily. That’s a lot of pressure I’m putting on them!
If barbies were “People”
Posted: April 6, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: androgynous, androgyny, children, creativity, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, kids, non-binary, play, queer, toys 10 CommentsI got asked a fun question a couple of weeks ago. A reader asked,
If you were to create a new line of barbies (and friends) for tomboys (or whatever you prefer to say) what would that line look like?
I would make a lot of changes to the barbie doll. First and foremost, the bodily dimensions would resemble the range of shapes and sizes that people actually are. When I think of a barbie, the image that comes to mind is a naked doll with these weird neutered bodies and impossible measurements – for some reason, a naked barbie seems more common than a clothed one. Kids get lazy and leave them around without dressing them? For this reason, these new dolls would have clothes that don’t really come off. When I think of people, they are clothed. When I think of myself, I am clothed. Although it’s fun to interchange clothes, these dolls would just wear clothes and then they’d be versatile in other ways.
They’d have knees and elbows that bend better than barbies, and they’d have hands that grip better. There’d be interactive toys to go along with them, but they wouldn’t be dream mansions and safari jeeps and jet skis. There’d be homes with the roofs removed and different things to do in each room – frying pans and food ingredients, TVs and computers and books, brooms and vacuum cleaners. Gardening tools and bikes and basketball hoops.
I would rename these barbies “People.” They would reflect different experiences – different ethnicities, different ages, different sizes, different abilities. One or two might be in a wheelchair. One might be gender-ambiguous. There would be babies and children, adults and old people.
These “People” would hopefully appeal to boys, girls, tomboys, and other gender non-conforming children. Playing with them would center around realistic life choices instead of fashion and glitz and glamor. It’d be a lot like playing house, with plenty of interchangeable activities and roles to experiment with different configurations.
And now for the fantastical part – these products would be manufactured by people making a living wage and they would be an affordable toy option. Haha.
Anyone have other ideas for a more gender variant version of barbie?
Am I bipolar?
Posted: March 30, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, emotions, hypomania, mania, medical treatment, medications, mental health, SSRIs, therapy 11 CommentsToday is the 2nd annual World Bipolar Day, an event that strives to educate the public about bipolar disorder and encourages an open discussion to end the stigma associated with brain illness. There’s a facebook page where people can share stories, and there’s lots of links to different organizations. It was chosen to fall on this day because it’s Vincent Van Gogh’s birthday. He is said to have suffered from bipolar disorder, and he committed suicide at age 37. Bipolar disorder is fairly rare – roughly 1% – 2% of the population are bipolar. Some estimates say up to 5%, but there is this sense that it’s over-diagnosed. When I have questioned in therapy whether I am bipolar, she has replied something to the effect of, “That was a very popular diagnosis then. A lot of teens were being diagnosed.” Sometimes people think they have it because their moods are extreme; really something else might be going on.
I thought I’d take a minute to reflect today about whether I am bipolar or not. I mean, I did just go through a delusional manic episode 2.5 months ago, no doubt about it. And I am currently sinking through a rebound depression – definitely a clinical level depression. But I strongly do not think I am bipolar. It’s been 15 years in between episodes, and I’ve only ever had 2 episodes. Much of that time I’ve been off all medications. I can accept that I have bipolar-like tendencies (and I’m hyper-sensitive to stress levels), but I don’t think I fit the criteria, nor do I think I need to be medicated long term. In fact, I plan to go off my medications in a couple of months once this passes and I feel like myself again.
My new psychiatrist told my partner, “Once a bipolar, always a bipolar.” Meaning, I’d been (mis?)diagnosed already (at age 17), and there’s no taking that back. ??? He thinks I need to be medicated forever. He doesn’t get that I’ve been stable and have managed issues in my life in other ways for a long time. I’m pretty sure someone who is really bipolar doesn’t get to do that.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to actually be bipolar. To have to balance a medication cocktail indefinitely or suffer the consequences. Because when you’re actually bipolar, you can have an upswing or downturn without much prompting, if you’re un-medicated or if the medications are not right for you. If I was pretty sure I would be going through more mania and more depression in the near future, I would be living in fear of that. I honestly do believe I am prone to going through mania and depression again, but to a much lesser extent than someone who actually has bipolar disorder. And that’s scary enough.
One other factor that makes me think I have bipolar-like tendencies has been my reaction to SSRIs. I took Paxil for a few weeks about 13 years ago, and it caused me to feel super agitated and become hypomanic. Apparently this will happen if people with bipolar disorder take SSRIs. I do take this seriously, but ultimately I’d have to say I do not have bipolar disorder. Today I’m thinking about everyone who actually does.
Tomboy
Posted: March 24, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: androgyny, emotions, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, graphic novel, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, tomboy, trans, transgender 10 CommentsI just finished reading Tomboy, a graphic novel by Liz Prince. Definitely worthwhile if you come across it. She recounts growing up as a tomboy, and continues to self identify that way, even as a 32 year old adult. She’s kinda a rare breed – someone who is cisgender, heterosexual, and a tomboy (it’s not just a childhood phase she grew out of). She recounts sibling dynamics, friendships, birthday parties, playing in Little League, bullying (there’s a lot of bullying, some of it physical), crushes, relationships, changing schools, basically her life from age 4 – age 18. For the most part, growing up, she rejected all things “girl,” including girl friendships and feeling OK as a girl. A big part of the book is her growing into the fact that she is a girl, and that the way she performs “girl,” is acceptable in the same way the way others choose to perform “girl” is. It’s just different. Boys / masculinity is not superior.
A lot of her journey is relate-able. Wearing a t-shirt over her swimsuit while swimming. Finding comfort behind a baseball hat that she wears constantly. Feeling like an outsider – being rejected by both boys and girls. I can’t believe (and I can believe) the amount of times she was bullied.
It made me reflect on my own childhood / adolescence. I haven’t written about this at all… yet. I kinda feel like I was a tomboy and I was not a tomboy. I looked like a boy from age 10, (cut my hair short, wore boys clothes) but I didn’t feel comfortable with boy stuff or boy friendships. I had one friend, and she was a tomboy, and I emulated her. If she wasn’t around, I reverted back to my painfully shy, nerdy self. I liked learning about endangered animals. And the 50 states. And the US presidents. And the countries of Africa. I didn’t play with action figures or video games much. I mostly remember reading and organizing my collections. And riding my bike a lot.
I honestly don’t have a lot of strong memories of being a kid. I didn’t have many strong emotions that I can remember. I was pretty easy – agreeable, liked all foods (except black licorice, stuff with fennel or anise in it). My parents allowed me to dress the way I wanted, for the most part. But I still had a hard time asking for explicitly boy’s clothes. I did get to wear boys clothes; I just don’t remember how that played out – don’t remember being that vocal about it. Or about anything really. I didn’t get bullied. A part of me believes I was too shy to be on peoples’ radars, thankfully. And plus, my one friendship was solid; we always just played together. We sat at the “boys table,” something I never would have done on my own. I was in girl scouts for a couple of years. I was on a girl’s softball team.
I don’t remember being all that happy, but I don’t remember anything traumatic happening either. It was just… a neutral childhood. I didn’t have a lot of strong preferences.
Adolescence is a different story, for sure – a different blog post for a different time! I do remember my tomboy friend growing out of her tomboy phase starting in middle school, and me being stuck, left to wonder what is going on with me. I definitely questioned why I wanted to look the way I did. I didn’t conform though, I just became more and more isolated in my head.
Anyone else relate to being a tomboy? Being trans and being a tomboy / gender non-conforming child often go hand in hand, but often the two are mutually separate…
Feeling trapped in by medications
Posted: March 6, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: antipsychotics, anxiety, depression, doctors, medical treatment, medications, mental health, side effects, sleeplessness, therapy 7 CommentsI’m on a 2 week leave from work again right now. I was basically planning to just push through depression and just go through with obligations and routines. That’s what I tend to do. But I was switching medications, and I really hit a wall. I had been on Geodon, and was switching to Latuda (both atypical antipsychotics). The Geodon was causing some strange hormonal side effects, so for 2 weeks, I was on a half dose of that and a half dose of this new one. That was working out OK. Switching to a full dose of the Latuda really set things off though. I couldn’t sleep and was starting to feel agitated. Depression plummeted and anxiety skyrocketed. Last night, I threw up an hour after taking the pills.
I had a therapy appointment yesterday, and going out of work again was her idea. As soon as she said it, it sounded like a good idea. Why didn’t I think of that? Haha. I have plenty of sick time; might as well use it when I actually need it.
I really do not know what I’ll do for two weeks. (OK, I do have some ideas – I can get my car recalls taken care of, I can start thank you cards from our party last summer, I can give my friend a hair cut, I can try doing some writing, I can just take it easy.) I feel relief.
I just feel trapped in by medications right now (side effects are weird! I’m a small person and I feel the dosing has just been way too high!), and by my psychiatrist because it’s all his call. I thought the Geodon could be OK if I were on less of it. He decided we’re not going to lower it, we’re going to switch drugs instead. Now I have to call him and tell him that’s not working out. I really just want to be on Geodon, just less of it. I really hope he listens.
100th post / We just paid off our house!
Posted: February 19, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: adulthood, androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, homeowning, hormone replacement therapy, lgbtq, mortgage, non-binary, trans, transgender, writing 6 CommentsThis is a 2 for 1 celebratory post – the title says it all!
I started this blog a year and a half ago, largely inspired by Micah’s blog, Neutrois Nonsense to start writing my own story. When I started testosterone, I was overly concerned with the physical changes, and I couldn’t find an answer to my question anywhere. That question: is it possible to be on T long-term, at a dose high enough to make a difference yet low enough to not induce physical changes?
The answer, I’ve found out through personal experience, is YES. Of course everyone is different, but this is a great option for non-binary people who feel more-or-less OK with their appearance yet feel like something is off, something about their world might be improvable. Testosterone could be that thing that makes a world of difference. It was for me.
To celebrate my 100th post, here’s an excerpt of some jottings-down I did before starting this blog:
“I wanna start a blog. I already have a name for it and an address on WordPress. But I have yet to make my first entry. I suppose I’m unsure of how to approach it. I want it to be attractive and interesting to others. I want it to be long lasting. I wanna keep coming up with things to say, but as of now, I can’t envision that. It’s just one step at a time though – I shouldn’t worry about mapping the entire project out…”
And that’s how it’s been. I don’t have a backlog of ideas or drafts started. I just take it week by week, and see what’s out there (or just in my head) to write about. So far this has worked out for me. There is very little pre-planning. I don’t think it’d be sustainable, personally, if there were. I am obsessive by nature, and this is one of the few things that I’m not stressing out about. That’s why it works.
Like the title suggests, I’m also celebrating having paid off our mortgage! I bought this house we live in 8 years ago, and now we own own it. Feels good! How did we do this on two working-class salaries? It wasn’t through help from anyone or an inheritance or lottery win. It was through prioritizing, saving, and strategizing.
1. We live in a city with a low cost of living: One of the reasons I like where I live is that things are affordable. I don’t make much money, but it feels like my money goes far.
2. I am a cheapskate: This is, honestly, the biggest factor in having been able to save so much, and it’s just part of my nature. I don’t tend to buy a lot of new stuff. I get clothes from thrift stores, mostly. We don’t go out to eat a whole lot – my partner mainly cooks at home. We don’t go out to bars or coffee shops all that much, unless it’s to socialize. Socializing at other peoples’ homes is so much better anyway! Coffee, tea, beer, etc. is so much cheaper in-house. You can, in fact have really high quality coffee, tea, beer, etc. at home if you avoid stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts daily.
3. We lived with housemates for years: From the time I bought the house, to just a year ago, we always lived with 2 other people. Those people changed over the years; it really helped aid in a sense of community with others, and also financially. We would have group outings and dinners once in a while. We did a holiday photo and newsletter every year. We hosted a Kraftnite every Sunday evening. I wouldn’t trade in those experiences for anything. At the same time though, it’d be so tough to go back! Now that it’s been just my partner and me for a year, I feel spoiled. It’s nice to feel like we have the house to ourselves. It helped us pay down the mortgage all that much quicker.
In addition, my partner is learning how to drive, and she just purchased a car. We are entering “adulthood” like never before, lately. I cannot wait to be a passenger in her car! (I kinda dislike driving.)
A story about what it feels like to be bigender
Posted: February 2, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: androgynous, androgyny, bigender, estrogen, gender identity, genderfluid, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, language, lgbtq, non-binary, testosterone, trans, transgender 3 CommentsThe other day, my partner alerted me of a really cool podcast story, and we listened to it together (for her, she listened a 2nd time). It’s about a subset of trans-people, and a subset of non-binary people even: people who identify as bigender. I’ve heard this term before but didn’t have a clear grasp on the experience of bigender people, largely just equating and blending it in with people who identify as “genderfluid,” in my mind. The two terms definitely overlap, and the podcast didn’t mention “genderfluid” as an identity, but it told a very gripping and personal story of someone who is bigender.
I’m just going to summarize this person’s story, but if you have a half hour, listening to this podcast would be a half hour well spent! Here is the link:
Invisibilia Story About Paige (Go ahead and skip the first 2 minutes – it’s just podcast producers doing introductions and general banter.)
Paige is in her 30s and lives in San Diego. Her story is not a common one, even within the trans-community. She grew up MAAB (male assigned at birth) and was largely fine with that, didn’t think twice about it. She had fleeting feelings maybe she was supposed to be a girl, but they were very rare, and she didn’t dwell on them. She joined the Navy and enjoyed it. She got married; got a job, a car, a house – everything most people hope to do. When she was 30, still living full time as a man, her body mysteriously stopped producing testosterone. She got put on testosterone replacement therapy, and that’s when things started getting strange. Those fleeting feelings of being female returned full force and with more frequency. She began to feel a really strong split between “guy mode” and “girl mode,” and she had no control over when or where it might happen. When in “girl mode,” she began to feel repulsed by her body, even to the point of vomiting from disgust.
She talked to her wife, and decided to stop taking testosterone and start taking estrogen instead. The disgust started to wane as her body changed, but at this point, she was aiming for androgyny so that she could feel comfortable in both guy and girl mode, something she kept flipping between, often multiple times within a day. There were certain things that changed for her depending on which mode she was in, perception-wise and personality-wise.
It’s been confirmed through psychological tests on a small sample of people who are bigender that there are in fact some differences going on. This research is really in its infancy, and nothing has been conclusive on a large scale thus far. But, well… makes sense! (I am far from saying men are from Mars and women from Venus or anything like that, haha.)
Parts of her story are really sad. Her marriage didn’t make it. She spent a long time feeling like an alien, hiding her true nature, etc. A lot of things a lot of people can relate to…
The interesting thing comes in the conclusion though. It seems that the longer she was on estrogen, the more she “settled into” being female, on a psychic level. She has stopped “flipping” uncontrollably, for the most part. It does still happen, and it’s super jarring, but she is living close to 100% in “girl mode” these days.
This is super fascinating to me – although I am really in neither “guy mode” nor “girl mode” ever, my gender identity is static. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to go back and forth, uncontrollably, at inopportune times.
More than just a few people experience this though. Something like 8% of MAAB trans-people, and 3% of FAAB trans-people.
I landed back in the hospital
Posted: January 23, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: antipsychotics, anxiety, depression, emotions, genderqueer, hospital, lgbtq, media, medical treatment, medication, mental health, queer 30 CommentsThis week has thrown me for a loop, big time. Between Saturday AM and Wednesday AM, I was in the hospital for mental health reasons, on a psychiatric unit. I don’t believe I ever thought I’d be back there; in fact, it was my biggest fear. Scarier than heights, the tallest roller-coasters, the dark, spiders, sharks, germs, etc. etc. (I’m actually not afraid of any of those things.)
Just to summarize my history briefly, when I was a senior in high school, I suffered a psychotic break and subsequent major depressive episode (lasting 4 months, and then on and off throughout college). I was on a mixture of different drugs for about 6 years, and I weened myself off all of them after a certain point. I’d been med-free for roughly 10 years, and pretty proud of that fact.
I’ve written about mental health before…
Here: Depression and taking testosterone
Here: That specific trauma is still there
And here: Continuing to work through a specific trauma
…and also scattered throughout many blog entries.
Although this blog is mainly about taking a low dose of T and working as a janitor, it is undeniably also about mental health and self-care. I slipped up pretty big in the self-care department, slowly and gradually at first, and then fast and unstoppably. I went through a full blown manic episode / psychotic break. A lot of it was so fun it’s kinda indescribable. In fact, I can definitely tell I still haven’t come down completely yet – I’m registering a heightened sensitivity to bodily sensations, both pleasant and annoying, I feel keyed up / antsy, I need to be in control of the stimulation levels or else I feel overwhelmed within seconds, smells and tastes are waaaaay off (not constantly, but sporadically), colors and patterns are popping out, my thinking is still relatively disorganized…
But I’m sleeping well and eating well and engaging in a lot of different things and spending 24/7 with my partner for a few days, and that’s what’s important right now. I was prescribed ziprasidone, which is an atypical antipsychotic approved by the FDA in 2001. Am I happy about it? No. Do I think I’ll be on it indefinitely? A strong NO! But I can accept it for right now.
I’m sure I’ll return to some of what I went through, in an attempt to process things and just share where I’m at (it does feel like it’ll be an arduous rehabilitation process, and I’ll be out of work for roughly 2 weeks). For now though, I want to just write about a strange parallel. It might not mean anything if you haven’t seen Breaking Bad, but I’ll give it a whirl anyway (and there are no real spoilers in what is to follow):
Leading up to what I went through, my partner and I were watching a lot of Breaking Bad. Not really binge watching it, but watching an episode almost every night. Now we are not. Haha. We only have 4 or 5 episodes left, but we’re putting the show on pause. I suggested we start watching Malcolm in the Middle instead, largely because Bryan Cranston plays the dad in both shows (and I used to watch it as a teenager and thought it would be fun. It is fun). But – we just watched the 5th episode, and the family is getting their house tented and fumigated. They are in a camper trailer on their front lawn in the meantime. And the parents, at the tail end of the episode, put on gas masks in order to enter the house and get some alone time. I was flipping out. (I mean, my partner was too, but I was shouting and swearing and pacing and called it a night, basically). Haha. I’ll probably be in bed by 9pm.
Getting to know each other #3 / Year end
Posted: December 28, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: blogs, emotions, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtqia, non-binary, queer, trans, transgender, travel, writing 4 CommentsThank you PlainT (Queering the Nerd) for choosing me for the chain-style Very Inspiring Blog Award!
I’m going to move it along by selecting a bunch of blogs I’ve been enjoying lately. If I chose your blog, and you’d like to make a post following all the rules of the award, they can be found in PlainT’s post, here:
The rules of this award are…
Then I’m going to write a few facts about myself, sort of in the vein of a year end summary. I made a similar post last year; it is here:
This year felt different… in a good way
These community-driven awards are super important because it’s a chance for blog writers to connect with different blogs they might not know about yet. I enjoy seeking out new blogs regularly, and I find myself feeling invested in the lives of other blog writers. Sometimes I get bummed when a blog starts off really strong and then disappears! Here’s to the coming year, and strengthening this online community through mutual support and inspired blog writing!
A few blogs to check out (some are mainstays, some are more sporadically written than others, some are brand new)!
John’s Thoughts
Changing Faces
Tea With Ess
Gender Drift
Casbalog
Queer Asterisk
Tangled Web
ftmfml
Dawn to Don
Musical Transparent
A Yellow Crayon
2 Women to 2 Men
Next up, here are some things about me / some things I did and felt this year:
– Overall, it was a pretty rough year for me. I continued to settle into a new and improved place with hormone therapy and talk therapy, but I’m finding I still have a LONG way to go until I really am where I see myself. I want to be out as non-binary in all areas of my life. I want to go by a different name. I want all the people who know me to use male pronouns in reference to me, not just most of the people… I might want top surgery…
– I felt a growing closeness with my partner, newer levels of comfort and ease, which is great. At the same time, she kinda had to put up with a lot from me. Lots of bouts of crying. Lots of insecurity-fueled jags. I had a rough summer. And fall. And just in general, lately…
– We celebrated our having-gotten-married (this occurred in November 2013) over the summer with friends and family!
– We went on some fun trips. To Massachusetts and Maine, to Toronto, To Philadelphia for the Philly Trans-Health Conference.
– We attended a foraging workshop with some friends, which was totally fun! We learned about edible plants you can find in our region, and how to prepare them into meal-like food items, over an open fire in the middle of the woods. We did that – everyone helped cook this food we’d found, and then we all ate it!
– Outdoors times were probably some of my favorite times this year. Just going for a hike or going to a lake. My partner and I got snowshoes recently, so we can keep getting out there, even throughout the winter.
– My pet rabbit passed away, and my co-worker retired. These have both felt like HUGE losses. Work has been tough and more drama-ful than need be, lately.
– I worked on 3 submissions for anthologies this year! One is already published, and two have been accepted and are in the works, the editing stages… This feels AWESOME!
– I got involved in a local group that is putting a new radio station out into the airwaves. Currently I’m helping out a lot with their facebook page, and within the coming year, I will be a weekly radio DJ!
That was, more or less, what 2014 looked like for me.
You are missed
Posted: November 28, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bunny, comfort, death, emotions, lgbt, lgbtq, lgbtqia, mourning, pet, pets, queer, rabbit, routine 12 CommentsLast Saturday morning, my pet rabbit passed away. It’s been almost a week now; it definitely feels like mourning, but I can’t quite elaborate beyond that. I’m functional, I don’t feel continuously sad, but it is a process for sure.
She lived in the dining room, which is where my “office” is (office means dining room table with my laptop and piles of disorganized papers and other crap.) I spend “internet time” here in my office. I write blog posts from my office. We’d sort of be hanging out, sort of not, while I was in my office. I’d be looking in on her – checking on her, all the time. Things feel disorienting now – her bunny gate is behind the TV right now. I can now glide from room to room with ease. her cage where she ate and drank and pooped and peed is in the basement right now. Her rug has been brought to the curb. The dining room is now a hard wood floor. She isn’t here. I keep having phantom impulses to go check on her, feed her, pet her, pick her up, etc.
She was 12 years old – that’s really old for a rabbit! I got her in my Junior year of college. For those last two years of college, it was pretty much just her and me, in the apartment. People didn’t come over. I didn’t have a social network. Later in her life, I would joke with friends that the reason she doesn’t like people is because she was never socialized properly. It’s pretty much true. She never really got used to other people (except my partner – she did like my partner a little bit).
She loved bananas! She loved being pet over her eyes, for some reason. She would just sit there, if you were covering her eyes with your hands. Her name was just “Bunny,” but usually I called her “Bunn-a-roo,” or “Choo-cha-ree” or “Choo-char-i-o” (that last one, sung to the tune of “Notorious” by Duran Duran). We called her “Bunn Ball” when she was compacted into herself, to conserve heat. We called it “Chicken Leg,” when she was all splayed out, her back legs totally exposed, trying to cool off. We called her “Bunny-on-Meth” when she was shedding, her fur coming out in tufts every which-way. We called the towel right outside her cage her “patio.”
A display we had for her, at our party this summer
My partner and I sometimes talk about pets as they relate to queer people. You know that stereotype about lesbians and cats? I think there’s something to that, although it’s not specific to lesbians and it’s not specific to cats… I think just more in general, people who do not follow prescribed narratives (whether they’re queer or not) sometimes find a very different space for pets in their lives. Sometimes pets become more like children. Sometimes people who face more adversity need more from their pets – more comfort, more routine, more of a sense that they are needed. A mutual reliance. I think that bond has the potential to run much deeper.
I felt that. I miss her.
janitorqueer 