Rumors flying around the kindergarten classroom
Posted: March 7, 2014 Filed under: Janitorial work, Passing | Tags: androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, janitors, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, passing, trans, work 9 CommentsA couple of days ago at work, I was passing by 2 kindergarteners who were putting on their boots, getting ready to go home for the day. One whispered to the other, “Is she a boy? She looks like a boy.” I thought it was super cute – it’s cute how kids think that if they whisper, there’s no way you can hear them. It’s cute how kids’ gender categories are only “girl” and “boy,” no matter how old the person they’re talking about is. It’s cute how kids are so curious.
Then tonight, a book fair was going on. A mom and her daughter arrived a little early and the mom asked me where it was being held. We were about half- the-hallway’s-length away from each other; I gave her directions to the cafeteria. She said thanks and I started to turn the corner when I heard her say, “Oh, I was just wondering?” I turned to face her again and she continued.
“What’s your name?”
I told her my name, which is a slightly androgynized version of my very feminine name.
She said, “Oh ok, sorry, I thought you were someone else. My apologies. For my daughter.”
“Sure, no problem.” She then told me her name (I forget now) and, “Nice to meet you.”
I walked away from that having no idea what motivated those questions or who she might have thought I was. No one ever mistakes me from someone else. I don’t mean to be boastful, but I’ve been told that I have a very distinct face so many times that it’s become a source of internal pride.
As I thought it through, all I could imagine was that this was a kindergartener here with her mom (she looked to be kindergarten age). The kids had been increasingly wondering whether I am a boy or a girl, and this one kid even spread the word to her mom. And her mom was helping clear it up for her. I’d rather it not get cleared up!
This is why I’m seriously considering going by a masculine-sounding name.
11 months on T without physical changes
Posted: February 18, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, testosterone, trans, transmasculine 4 CommentsToday! I am happy to be able to say that I have not seen any new changes. For reference, here are posts from 5 months and 8 months – There are a lot of specifics in those posts.
The reasons I’m writing so sporadically about my changes on low-dose testosterone are because:
1. I don’t have much to report!
2. I plan on this being a long term endeavor, both this blog, and the actual taking of the testosterone. So, I mean, I can’t foresee the future, but I imagine I’ll be around 4 years from now, 6 years from now, updating about T-changes every once in a while. I do want to document the long term here.
To summarize, I started using 1.62% of Androgel, 1.25g / day. After 2 months, I was getting concerned with the changes I was seeing (however slight they were), so I asked to be lowered to 1%. And have not seen any further changes since then. I have been highly motivated to continue applying the gel every day. For about 6 days early on, I was alternating days (my doctor’s suggestion) in an attempt to slow progress, and I did not enjoy this skipping of days at all! Since then I have not missed a day.
I have been experiencing some incredible internal changes due to the added testosterone in my body. Some were expected (and were the reasons for me to seek it out) and some were a complete surprise.
1. Increased sex-drive (expected)
2. Increased sensitivity to pain, and all physical sensations, actually (surprise)
3. Increased connectedness with my body, decreased gender dysphoria (not totally a surprise)
4. Decreased general anxiety, big time (surprise)
I don’t have any voice recordings or even very many photos, which is partially due to not being tech savvy (I’m trying to learn little by little here), and partially a tactic I’m employing to help myself not obsess too much. But I do realize it means I don’t have much “proof.” *
I’m thinking about making a video at my one year mark. Maybe. If I can figure out how to do that.
I do have these pictures of my face though. I don’t see myself looking more masculine (yet) but maybe I am getting there, very very slowly… Will just have to wait to find out…
five months
eight months
eleven months
eleven months and one day
These last 2 photos are sort of to illustrate how we can look pretty different, just from day to day, from photo to photo. I could spend hours taking photos of myself and most of them I’d probably look at and say, “that doesn’t even look like me!” (Luckily I didn’t do that – it’s sort of a rush job. Also, do I think I look like myself? Not sure.)
* It’s not a goal of mine to prove anything in particular (such as, that taking T long-term without masculinizing changes is possible). But if I find that this is possible, I’ll continue to be very very happy! My main goal is to be out there with a different perspective. A different set of reasons for having started testosterone, and a different set of reasons for wanting to continue. And to see what happens along the way. And to talk with people about it! (OK, so that was more like a 5 part goal.)
The Soft Sell, Part 2
Posted: February 10, 2014 Filed under: Passing | Tags: androgyny, coming out, family, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, testosterone, trans 2 CommentsA couple of days ago, I decided I was going to be more direct in coming out to some people. I’ve had a tendency in the past, to soft-sell the way I identify and my preference for pronouns (in the situations where I have come out), and I wanna change that. So, the next day, I had a conversation with my parents! Definitely not the first of this nature, but this time I asked them specifically to use male pronouns, and I talked to them about some steps I might or might not take in the near future. My mom was supportive, but I have an idea she will have difficulty remembering to use male pronouns. My dad was evasive. His body language told me he was uncomfortable. He would have stayed silent the whole time if I let him, but instead, I asked him, “Dad, what do you think about this?” And he replied, “It doesn’t matter to me.” Which is so vague as to what he means; in the moment I decided to spin it positively by saying, “Yeah, I mean I am still the same person.” Ultimately, it’s exactly how I expected them to react, and I’m not really phased by what they might think. I would just like to see them try. We’ll see.
I feel like now that that conversation is out of the way, I can plan to spread this news to other relatives. I’m thinking of emailing some aunts and their families in the near future because it might be cool to finally talk about myself, haha. Basically, my dad has 4 sisters, and they all have families, and I don’t know much about them, and they don’t know much about me. Even though I see them all at least once a year. We just don’t talk about our lives. I don’t think they even know I’m married, or that I’ve been in this relationship for the past 7 years. I’ll probably start thinking about it more concretely and drafting an email this week!
Oh, also I told some friends who didn’t yet know, that I’m on testosterone. That was fun! They were super supportive (of course) and also pretty curious. And! I just emailed the volunteer coordinator at the local gay alliance (where I have recently started volunteering in the office) to let her know my pronoun preference and to ask her to help me spread the word if pronouns come up in conversation. I felt like I’d really like her (or just someone) to help me with this because 1. I am very reserved and 2. I don’t see many people during my shift, don’t have many opportunities to bring it up in person. I think that she will be a good person for this – she’s super friendly and outgoing and non-judgemental as far as I can tell.
So far, this is pretty fun!
Working on “Letters for My Siblings”
Posted: January 16, 2014 Filed under: Writing | Tags: androgyny, anthology, gender identity, genderqueer, non-binary, trans, writing 6 CommentsI usually try to post about once a week. But this week, I got nothin’… because I’m working on finishing up a submission for a new anthology! (So I’m posting anyway, about that!) I’ve been working on a piece of writing. You could too – there’s still time! I’ll be updating about how it turns out, in a few weeks.
Here are the details:
Letters for My Siblings: Call for Submissions
Deadline: February 1, 2014
Word Limit: 2500
Publisher: Transgress Press
Contact: lettersformysiblings@gmail.com
The Lambda Literary Finalist Letters for My Brothers asked transsexual men to pass on to their pre-transition selves any important advice that they had as post-transition men. In Letters for My Siblings, we wish to capture short pieces of a similar spirit from people who are genderqueer, gender non-conforming, bigender, agender, or who simply don’t fit nicely into the boxes of “man” and “woman”.
Your submission should be between 500 and 2500 words and address one or more of the prompts below.
Not all prompts will apply to all writers. Your submission should be about your own lived experience — please avoid delving too far into the theoretical, or making broad generalizations about any group (even one that you belong to).
Send all submissions to lettersformysiblings@gmail.com by February 1, 2014. Authors will be notified of acceptance within six weeks of the submission deadline.
• What does it mean to transition as a non-binary identified person? How have you transitioned medically, legally, socially, or otherwise, and why? Has your transition been an important part of your identity and/or experience? How and why?
• Where do you fit in the larger trans* community? Have you found friendship and connection among other trans* people, binary or non-binary? Have you encountered discrimination or resistance to your identity within the trans* community?
• Have you been able to find or create language to describe your gender/experience? Are you intentional about using (or NOT using) particular words for your gender / experience? Why do you use (or not use) these?
• How has your non-binary identity intersected with other parts of your identity, such as your race, class, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, physical ability/disability, or age? Are there times when these other parts of your identity come in conflict with your gender? If so, how do you manage these conflicts?
• What do you like about being non-binary? What is your biggest frustration? How do you navigate a world set up only for men and women?
• Who are your mentors? Who has guided you on your journey / transition? Who do you look up to?
• What advice would you give to genderqueer/gender non-conforming/non-binary people who are at the beginning of their journey?
As compensation for their contribution, all authors will receive a free copy of the anthology upon its publication. Transgress Press will donate all proceeds to organizations benefiting trans communities (www.transgresspress.com/our-donations).
We look forward to hearing from you!
effeminate pirate orders fruity drink on party boat
Posted: August 31, 2013 Filed under: Passing | Tags: androgyny, binding, gender identity, genderqueer, non-binary, passing, pirates, puffy shirts, sailors, weddings Leave a commentI went to a pirate and sailor themed wedding and dressed as an effeminate pirate. Due to the extreme puffiness of my shirt, I was able to get away without binding. (I try to not bind as much as possible; I try to resort to layers and rarely ever bind. I feel lucky). So I had this puffy shirt, and I wore it open to display some fine pearl necklaces. I wore a red and navy blue diagonally striped cumberbund over red cut-off jean shorts and shiny black boots. I wore my mohawk up tall and proud. Oh, and I wore a homemade patch on the back of the puffy shirt that has an embroidered lobster and says, “Lobsters: gangsters of the sea.”
The wedding and reception were really incredible. It was all aboard a touring boat that went along the canal. More than half of the guests went all out in pirate or sailor costumes. The food was all vegan and the boat was equipped with a full bar. The only difficulty was that it was filled to capacity and there wasn’t much wiggle room. It was very tough to get from point A to point B, so I made it a point to not need to go very many places. Like trying to get a drink took a very long time. Luckily I was waiting with a friend instead of stuck waiting by myself; something like this would have made me anxious beyond belief in the past. But I just chatted with her as the line crept along. When it was finally our turn, she ordered a beer, and then the bartender turned to me and said, “What’ll you have, sir?” It was freaking awesome, particularly since I thought I was looking especially femme. I said, “Gimme the fruitiest drink you got!” To which he made up a frozen peach margarita and said, “There you are, sir.” Which completely floored me because I am never sirred once I speak out loud! In other words, I may be called sir, until I speak, and then people might apologize or “correct their error.” (There is no such error).
But not on this pirate party boat! I walked away with fruity drink in hand, feeling light in the shiny black boots.
further access to testosterone despite not medically transitioning
Posted: July 30, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, genderqueer, janitors, mental health, non-binary, testosterone Leave a commentFriday, I picked up a prescription for Androgel refills, and I’m now covered for 4 more months at $6.25 per month!!! No appointment, no blood work, no more insurance hassles. I felt elated that it was so easy. I feel like initially when I was trying to get some testosterone a few months ago, I was going back for so many appointments, having to call insurance, having to wait for the pharmacy to phone my doctor, worrying I was going to be denied access because I was being upfront about not planning to use it to medically transition, etc. It almost seemed not worth it. But objectively, it was actually relatively easy to get. And I’m so grateful I have health insurance.
It’s just that I wanted very badly to continue avoiding doctors and all that stuff for the rest of my life, kinda. When I was younger, I was going to psychiatrists and getting prescriptions all the time. Going to pharmacies, getting blood drawn, getting refills, trying sample pharmaceuticals, being misdiagnosed. In a way, it feels like that’s what my young adulthood was about: being mentally ill, seeing myself as someone who is mentally ill and not often fully functioning. And then I just dropped out of the health system for like 8 years and gave up on pills. I liked that, the dropping out, and really dreaded getting back into it in order to access testosterone. It is so worth it though. And the hard parts (I hope) are over.
Today at work, we went to our annual safety meeting, where we go over asbestos awareness, chemicals, fire hazards, blood-borne pathogens, the dangers of ladders, and how to lift heavy things. It’s the same exact power point presentation every year, but I always really love it because it’s the only opportunity to get to see all the janitors from all the schools in the district. I get to say hi to all the people I’ve worked with in the past. And eat donuts! My co-worker ate 2 bagels and 2 donuts. I ate 2 donuts, a half of a bagel, and a cup of fruit. It’s awesome that there was actually more than enough food this year. In the past few years, they’ve skimped on the food, and it’s kind of been a bummer.
Also, I just want to note that I saw Swans this past week, and I went and sat down and fell asleep for the last 20 minutes of the show, despite their deafening levels, their heavy duty concrete walls of sound (I was wearing ear plugs).
low-dose testosterone for the rest of my life
Posted: July 24, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, genderqueer, mental health, non-binary, testosterone, transition 7 CommentsI’m a janitor at a school. Also, sometimes I waltz around as a drag king (or once in a while, queen). I feel pretty masculine, but I have no plans to medically transition anytime soon – most likely, I never will. I strongly feel that I’d be lost if I were to transition and blend in as male. As far as blending in as female? That just sounds absurd in my head. No way I feel I could, even though I’m aware I’m read as female most of the time. …because it’s the default. If I don’t tell people differently, how could they know how I see myself? They can’t. I’m not a woman (or a man). I’m not a lesbian. I’m not a butch dyke. I’m not gay (er… that’s complicated). But I probably look like those things.
About 4 months ago, I started a low-dose testosterone adventure. I wanted to take testosterone long term while ideally, not going through any physical changes. I didn’t know whether this would be possible, and I still have yet to find any information about whether it’s possible, specifically. I largely feel comfortable with where I’m at in terms of gender presentation and expression. But I’d been wondering a lot if certain internal experiences could be better. Gradually, I found myself in a place where I realized, I need to try out a few things and see what works for me. I got on a really low dose of Androgel and was completely floored by how well my body seemed to connect with additional testosterone. To me, it feels like it has a whole lot more to do with my mental health than it does with my gender identity, but of course, it’s all intertwined. As of now, I plan to be on testosterone for the rest of my life if possible, while minimizing physical changes. I’m taking testosterone toward androgyny. Although, I’m already androgynous, so I hope to be transitioning (outwardly) toward more of the same, actually.
I’ve felt a lot of different shifts, but most noteworthy is that my general anxiety is pretty much gone. I spent my late teens and early twenties on a lot of different medications (antidepressants, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics) trying to find some balance. None of these worked well for me. Some of them were really shitty. I just gave up and went off all medications, just tried to live with the anxiety and obsessive thought patterns. I’m now in my early thirties, and it feels like increased testosterone was the missing link all along. It is certainly significant. I feel relatively balanced and at peace, for the first time in my life really. And I owe that to trying testosterone under the unfounded assumption that maybe I really don’t have to go through many, if any at all, physical changes.
About 2 months in, I was freaking out that no, it wasn’t going to be possible, and I was going to have to stop. I had acquired a tiny moustache. My voice dropped the slightest bit, which really had me worried. But I tried a lower concentrated version instead of stopping all together, still felt the incredible internal benefits, and as more time goes on, it does seem very possible. My voice returned to the range I’m used to and comfortable with. Other subtle changes have plateaued out, and I stopped worrying so much that I was going to have to choose between coming out in new ways to people I that didn’t really want to come out to, or stopping this thing that I was falling in love with, internally.
A lot of what I write about is going to be about whether this is still possible for me or not. And I’m going to hope to gather info from others’ experiences, over time as well.
janitorqueer 