We took the plunge!

Posted: November 15, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

IMG_1546We did that thing – we got married!  And!  In the process of getting married, I came out (sort of) at work!  But first thing’s first – we got married on Saturday, at a nearby park with a stream and some little waterfalls.  We went to brunch first at a vegetarian Greek restaurant, with all our parents, who had yet to meet(!) after all this time.  Then we went to the park from there, where 3 friends, and 2 of my partner’s siblings all met up to do this thing.  My partner’s brother officiated, and she and I came up with all the wording ourselves.  Everyone stood in a circle, we did a go-around where everyone introduced themselves and said what brought them here, and then we played a song on a boombox.  Then C (I’m going to switch to “C” instead of always writing “my partner”) and I gave a 2 part lecture on the nature of love, which probably lasted over 10 minutes!  Hope no one was sleeping!  After that, we said some “agreements,” in which there was a lot of laughing and we agreed on some things.  Then we kissed (a huge deal for me because I can barely get myself to take her hand in public), played another song, and had everyone join hands and do some hippie-like circle formation dancing and spinning.  It was pretty great.  Then we broke and handed out fancy sodas, like the kinds in glass bottles, and clinked glasses and took some photos.

It was very close to how I pictured it going in my head.  Which was a huge relief, because a hang up about getting married at all, for me, was that wedding ceremonies and traditions?  I don’t get it, and don’t connect with that, at all.  So we created something we did connect with.

Right after, we took off for a fun 3 day weekend in a town about 2 hours away.  We went to some restaurants, saw 12 Years a Slave (nice “honeymoon” movie pick), went to some botanical and herbal gardens and an arboretum, went to an art museum, went record shopping, and just relaxed and stuff.

So, nothing really feels different, other than that C can now get on my health insurance!  Wheee!

The thing that actually feels like a bigger deal than getting married, is that I told people at work about it.  Basically, no one at work knew I was in a relationship until 6 months ago, at which point I told my co-worker, my supervisor, and the head of the kitchen.  But… I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years, and I’ve worked there for 6 and a half.  And I’ve even wrongly implied that I’m single.  So finally, those 3 people knew (I decided to share because I was going to be working closely with them all summer, and thought it was time to be more open.), but there were so many more people I see every day and never ever say a single thing about myself.  Teachers, admin. assistants, the principal and assistant principal, the school nurse, etc.

And I didn’t really have a plan or goal to share my news.  I was actually planning to (by default) not share.  I started last work-week that way, and it just started to feel really shitty.  Like, I was about to be getting married, and no one even knew I’m in a relationship.  I imagined they could guess I’m gay (I’d prefer queer and genderqueer, but imagine people might think I’m a lesbian), but I’d never said a damn thing.  I wonder if one day I will come out as non-binary, genderqueer, trans*, ask for a different pronoun, everything along that line…  We’ll see; one day at a time.

So by midweek, I decided to take the risk and share my news.  I wondered, how many people would I have to tell before they start spreading the word and I don’t have to do the work anymore?  I guessed 5.  In the end, I surpassed that goal of 5, and told 10 (and I’m still telling people)!  And the word did start to get around; people were coming up to me and congratulating me.  People were gushing with excitement and wanting me to bring in pictures for them to see.  People had all kinds of questions about what we were going to do.  I got a card from the whole school with a gift card in it.  The first grade teachers pitched in and gave me a gift basket.  It was as if my dark and dreary, mysterious and reserved, shy and distant demeanor at work got a huge boost, and I’ve been trying to run with that.

I could be a totally new person at work (slowly, little by little)!  I even took my hat off!  (I’ve been wearing military style caps every day as long as I’ve worked there, and it was getting old – I was tired of hats, but I couldn’t seem to get myself to take it off.  Now?  It seemed like no problem!  Hat gone!)

Licensed to wed

Posted: October 27, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Last week, my partner and I went to city hall to fill out our marriage license.  We didn’t yet (and still don’t) have a definite plan for how we’re going to do this thing, other than we want to do it legally and simply by the end of this year.  And then we want to have a celebration with a big bunch of people and include a performance piece in lieu of a “ceremony,” this coming summer.

So the actual getting of the document was a little stressful – we were crunched for time and unsure about how these things go.  We gave ourselves time to get down there right when they opened at 9, and then I was going to drive her to work directly from there, by 10.  We were the second ones in line and everything went smoothly with filling out the form itself.  In the section where you mark either “M” or “F,” it said, “Sex (optional)” which was super fucking amazingly awesome and unexpected and we both purposefully left it blank.  My partner joked that it meant sex is optional in a marriage, and they want to make sure you know that going into it.

We brought up the form, and then a clerk basically typed up a new form, from what we had handwritten in.  She then asked us to check for errors.  We found two and she made the corrections before printing it out, having us sign it, and putting it in an envelope with some other information.  It was heart-racing exciting; we walked quickly out of there and talked about how we had time to spare to have some coffee at her place of employment before she started her shift.  I kinda did a victory leap down the steps and she laughed.

As we were walking back to the car, we talked about the fact that there had been errors.  Then she said, “I hope she didn’t fill in our sex markers.”  My stomach kind of dropped, because, honestly, I forgot to check that.  She pulled the document out of the envelope, and sure enough, there were two F’s typed into that section.  It felt devastating.  By this time, we were already in the car.  Our meter had run out, and we had no more change anywhere on our persons or anywhere in the car.  I started driving away, going back and forth in my mind about the logistics of getting this corrected vs. the importance.  In the end, importance won out.  My partner felt more flexible, but I needed mine to be blank.  So we parked elsewhere illegally, ran back inside, waited (because there was now a line), explained in an out-of-breath manner, crossed our fingers we wouldn’t be charged an additional fee (we overheard it was $10 for later corrections), got the changes made, and didn’t have to pay!

I did a double victory leap off the stairs, and upon seeing a man in a safety vest walking along the cars, sprinted toward ours so I could put the flashers on:  just standing, not parking illegally, sir!  Turned out he wasn’t a meter maid anyway, and I got my partner to work with zero minutes to spare.

Coming out as “getting married”

Posted: October 13, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

ImageHey, my partner and I have been planning on getting married!  We finally reserved a venue, this here house, in one of the county parks.  It’s starting to feel like a real deal now, that we’re going to be doing this thing…  We’ve been “engaged”* for a while now, and at least from my end, I’d been sort of putting off planning / making things more concrete.  There’s probably a lot of reasons why that is, and I’ve been de-tangling all of that little by little.  I don’t think I’ll be going into all those thoughts here and now (hint: a lot of the thoughts surround the idea that for so long, we couldn’t legally get married anyway, and more recently we can yet so many others can’t, and that’s confusing to say the least), but one thought really stands out as it relates to my current low-dose testosterone adventure:  When I started testosterone last March, I really had no idea where I was going to end up!  I mean, I thought I would end up very close to where I’ve been at already, but I couldn’t know ’til I tried it.  And I still can’t know for sure, but I feel a little more secure than I did six months ago.

In other words, I feel like the possibility to legally transition is floating around nearby me, always.  But the first few months of being on testosterone (trying something radically new) was a pretty sure bet for a time period where I might start feeling differently than before.

In some more other words, if I were going to want to legally change my name and gender markers, the early months of being on T was a time period of higher likelihood for feelings like that to emerge, potentially.  (Not to mention maybe realizing I wanted to increase my dosage and transition in all ways – physically / legally / socially / etc.)  But I didn’t really, feel that way.  Which isn’t to say I won’t at any other point in time, of course!  It just seemed like a strange time to start planning a wedding, if I was more unsure than normal what name and gender might go on our marriage certificate and other legal documents we pursue together.

Some of that uncertainty started to dissipate over time.  I’m feeling really happy with where I’m at.  Which is maybe one or two steps away from where I’ve been at before, in terms of my gender identity.  I’m not planning on taking a hundred steps closer to being seen as “male.”  I mean, my partner sees me as male, as well as all the other shades of gender I want to be seen as, and that’s really what feels most important.  I’ve been starting to feel more ready to take some steps with her toward a different relationship identity.

I don’t think I ever directly articulated this to my partner!  Guess it’s time for some more conversations!  (One of the cool side effects of having a blog, or, you know, writing in general.)

*word is in quotations because it doesn’t feel like this “stage of our relationship” has much to do with what might traditionally be assumed, by being “engaged.”  Nor will our “wedding” or subsequent “marriage” resemble much of what the mainstream might assume, by the use of those words…  for example, there’s no engagement ring, no plans to combine or share finances, I could go on, but I don’t really want to!  Why can’t there just be more word choices?!!

Passing as a teenager yet again

Posted: October 2, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Passing | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The other day, I was walking home from the library.  I had my red backpack on, full of new media.  My pants were probably partially saggy; I was wearing skate shoes, as usual.  As I mentioned last week, I’ve been in a pretty low mood, so I’m sure I was slouching quite a bit, probably staring at the ground as I went.  I was crossing the street to get to my side street before I realized some teenaged girls on a porch were yelling to me.

“Hey!  Yeah, you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah!  What’s your name?”
“[I said my name.]”
“JC?”
“No.  [Said my name again.]”
“JT?”
“Yeah.  [Still not my name, but realized it didn’t really matter.]”
“Nice to meet you!”

I kind of did a little wave and kept walking, worrying I was going to start running into them a lot since this was pretty close to my house.  This isn’t a direct account of an instance where I passed as male, but I’m pretttty sure teen girls wouldn’t have been so adamantly yelling if they saw me as, basically, a female-bodied person in their early thirties.  So I’m going to count it!

From whimsical musings to invasive ruminations on transitioning

Posted: September 17, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

For over a decade, I had been going back and forth hundreds (thousands?) of times in my head about whether transitioning was right for me or not.  Or if not every aspect of it, what about this but not that?  Will I ever move forward with some aspect maybe?  At some point not that long ago, I seemed to come to the conclusion that no, I wasn’t going to move forward because if I were, I would have done something about it by now.  And I haven’t, so I’m not.  I must be lacking some internal drive, so it must not be something that I need to do.  I settled on identifying as genderqueer and trans* but not planning on medically transitioning in any way.  And I seemed satisfied with that.  (?)  But not quite, or, no, not at all actually.  Because it was still on my mind.  Sometimes just as whimsical musings in the back of my brain.  Other times as pervasive/invasive body-dysphoric consistent ruminations.

I guess I always thought that if I did move forward with something, it would be top surgery, and not HRT.  Because I never want to consistently pass as male.  I want to continue looking androgynous forever.  Top surgery could help with that (although I’m fortunate in that I can get away without surgery, and without binding, in hiding what I have).  Taking testosterone would be going further than I want to go.  So I thought.

I thought it had to be all or nothing.  I thought I had to have a case ready about how I need to transition, in order to access testosterone.  And I don’t need to transiton, and I really don’t like to lie.  I thought I would need a letter from a therapist, and to jump through all these hoops, to access testosterone.  And I wasn’t even sure I wanted it!  Eventually I reached a point where I just knew that I needed to try it, at some point, just so that I could know.  So that at the very least, I could think about it differently or think about it less often, as it relates to a decision about something I should or should not do.

I have this awesome therapist.  She doesn’t know much about trans* identities.  I’m fairly certain she had not previously had a trans* client before, although I could be wrong.  I’d been talking to her about this stuff, and she’d been following along, more or less, in stride.  When I would say I need to try this out, she would say, “then why not!”  I asked her if she’d write me a letter if need be, and she said she wouldn’t be comfortable doing that; she doesn’t have enough knowledge about it.  Still operating under the assumption that I would need a letter, I started also seeing another therapist, basically for the purpose of getting a letter.

This second therapist gave me the name of a doctor during our first session.  Turns out that, apparently, I didn’t need a letter!  Turns out I didn’t need to convince anyone at any point that I wanted to transition medically.  I never once had to lie to get my hands on testosterone.  And once I did get my hands on it, I was given the freedom to experiment with the dosing, basically use as much or as little as I wanted.  Turns out I want to use as little as possible.  Turns out I might be able to stay on it for the rest of my life without looking any more masculine than I currently do (this has yet to be proven, but it’s been 6 months now, and so far, so good).  And the internal effects, with this super low dose, are significant and pretty much better than I could have even hoped for.

Basically, for all those years of wondering and second-guessing and processing and feeling anxious and obsessing and daydreaming and doubting myself and ultimately sort of concluding by default that I wouldn’t take any steps forward, actually doing something about it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

And in retrospect, it isn’t like there’s no turning back, to some extent.  Testosterone is a slow-moving substance in terms of long-term changes… I’m really enjoying the internal forward momentum though.

effeminate pirate orders fruity drink on party boat

Posted: August 31, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Passing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I went to a pirate and sailor themed wedding and dressed as an effeminate pirate.  Due to the extreme puffiness of my shirt, I was able to get away without binding.  (I try to not bind as much as possible; I try to resort to layers and rarely ever bind.  I feel lucky).  So I had this puffy shirt, and I wore it open to display some fine pearl necklaces.  I wore a red and navy blue diagonally striped cumberbund over red cut-off jean shorts and shiny black boots.  I wore my mohawk up tall and proud.  Oh, and I wore a homemade patch on the back of the puffy shirt that has an embroidered lobster and says, “Lobsters: gangsters of the sea.”

The wedding and reception were really incredible.  It was all aboard a touring boat that went along the canal.  More than half of the guests went all out in pirate or sailor costumes.  The food was all vegan and the boat was equipped with a full bar.  The only difficulty was that it was filled to capacity and there wasn’t much wiggle room.  It was very tough to get from point A to point B, so I made it a point to not need to go very many places.  Like trying to get a drink took a very long time.  Luckily I was waiting with a friend instead of stuck waiting by myself; something like this would have made me anxious beyond belief in the past.  But I just chatted with her as the line crept along.  When it was finally our turn, she ordered a beer, and then the bartender turned to me and said, “What’ll you have, sir?”  It was freaking awesome, particularly since I thought I was looking especially femme.  I said, “Gimme the fruitiest drink you got!”  To which he made up a frozen peach margarita and said, “There you are, sir.”  Which completely floored me because I am never sirred once I speak out loud!  In other words, I may be called sir, until I speak, and then people might apologize or “correct their error.”  (There is no such error).

But not on this pirate party boat!  I walked away with fruity drink in hand, feeling light in the shiny black boots.

chiropractic care shifts since taking testosterone

Posted: August 27, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’ve been going to a chiropractor about once a month for over 5 years.  I have mild scoliosis; my back goes out of alignment in a way that always throws my hips off.  Plus, working as a janitor requires a lot of repetitive motions – I try to alternate between right and left as much as I can, but I know I’m skewing to the right anyway.  I want to do whatever I can to prevent ever having a back injury.

My doctor noticed the scoliosis when I was 13 and treated it by having me wear a lift in my left shoe.  Is this really a treatment for scoliosis?  I’d been wearing the lift my whole life right up till seeing this chiropractor.  He immediately said I didn’t need it.  He was definitely right.  The appointments always go the same way.  He uses the same motions and tools to put me back into alignment.  It is a very short amount of time.  I can feel the improvements every time I walk out.  Sometimes I’m doubtful about how long the effects last though, when I’m going right back to the same tasks every day…

I had an appointment two weeks after starting testosterone, back in April.  The routine seemed slightly different, and he commented I was looking good.  I wasn’t planning to, but I mentioned the testosterone.  I figured he might have some questions – at least ask me why I was taking it.  I’ve never said anything about how I identify to him; he’s totally cool though.  I imagine he’d totally take it in stride.  He didn’t ask though.  All he said was, “testosterone will do wonders for muscle mass, but we’re looking at your whole system here.  Your spine works in tandem with muscles, joints and ligaments – it’s also connected to every single internal organ.”  I think he went on, but I didn’t really catch it all because it sounded like jargon of the profession to me.  He was just laying the groundwork to let me know it is important I keep coming.

I am really debating though.  I’ve gone 3 more times since then, and I don’t seem to be nearly as far out of alignment as I was before the testosterone.  I can’t know for sure because I can’t quite see what he’s doing and I don’t know enough about it.  But I’ve been feeling like it might not be necessary.  And he’s said more things to the effect of, it’s important to keep fine-tuning your body.  Like one time he told me an extended metaphor about not even Yo Yo Ma being able to play well with a shitty, out-of-tune cello.  Or something.

I never thought testosterone would change anything about my back, but it does make sense.  If I’m developing some muscle strength to balance things out, I might be able to hold the alignment better.  I do think my core muscles have shifted, so that if my back is a lever, it has become a slightly more efficient lever than it was before.  That is so cool!  I’m still going every month in the meantime, but I’m trying to figure out whether I want to continue or not…

five months on T without physical changes

Posted: August 18, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I’m happy to report that outward changes continue to be extremely minimal!  I’m going to focus on the most noticeable internal-experience changes, now that it’s been a good chunk of time and it feels like these changes are here to stay.

Pain:  I was in quite a bit of constant physical pain, mainly joint pain in my hands and arms, probably from repetitive motions at work and/or not eating enough.  Instantly, that was gone.  In addition, I’m just kind of suddenly getting a little bit stronger and work is way easier.  Also, I’m experiencing sensations of pain a lot differently than before.  Like, it’s unpleasant!  Whereas before, the constant joint pain was unpleasant, but certain types of pain (basically, self-inflicted) were pleasant and/or comforting.  I’m not going to say I’ll never self-injure again, but it does feel so far away from where I’m at right now.  That is so amazing to me.  I hated that I did that, even very recently, quite a lot.

Hunger:  Hasn’t ended up being sustainable unfortunately, but seems worth noting.  I felt hungrier for about one week, early on.  I thought eating was a worthwhile thing to do.  Briefly, I had chemical signals connecting food with pleasure centers in my brain; It was awesome!  Like, I would think about and look forward to getting to eat.  I would prefer certain things over other things, by a lot.  That quickly dwindled back to my normal feelings and attitudes about food, which are not very exciting.  Not at all.  Sometimes eating is a real chore, in fact.  The one thing that feels different now is that if I skip eating at a time I usually eat at, I will feel more motivated to catch up.  In that way, I will feel hungrier if I don’t eat.  That wasn’t really true before.  Also, I’ve gained 5 or 6 pounds, which manifests in the one externally noticeable physical change going on – muscle growth, mainly in my arms, shoulders, pecs, and abs.  Really psyched about this.  Can’t go wrong with more muscles!

Warm and Fuzzy:  I just feel cuddly and cozy.  I feel connected to my body in a way I never have before.  It’s really hard to describe, but I’m sure people can relate.  Like, my clothes feel soft on my skin.  Like, I’m walking on pillows and clouds, yet paradoxically, I feel totally grounded.  Like, I had no idea how jagged and disconnected I was before; I had nothing to compare it to.  These sensations have been dwindling over time – I think I’ve been getting used to them.  Like the clouds are not quite as soft and pillowy as they were at first.

Sex Drive:  Having a sex drive I can relate to is awesome.  Being able to have sexual thoughts and have that be connected to a body sensation.  My body responding to sexual stimuli.  Having totally different sensations everywhere on my body than I used to, in a good way.  Clitoral growth, which means actually being able to feel and experience erectile tissue sensations.  Previously, junk was so small and sensitive in a bad way, it wasn’t all that fun.

Anxiety:  The biggest, most drastic change, is anxiety:  totally gone!  Like general anxiety just disappeared into thin air.  I still totally over-think things and mentally worry way too much, but the fact that those thoughts aren’t connected to physical anxiety responses is a huge relief.  I was exerting so much energy on things that don’t matter!  I was feeling so drained and limited by these feelings that I couldn’t get away from before!  It’s a lot of work avoiding things that might trigger unpleasant internal responses; now I don’t do that nearly so much!  It is totally a brain chemistry shift – I don’t know how or why, but it’s not something I’m worrying about haha.  Also, emotionality overall hasn’t changed much.  I still have been experiencing the same range and types of emotions, which I’m happy for.  If anything, there might be a slight capacity to acknowledge anger and frustration now, which seems positive.  I’ll have to see how that plays into my life.

I’ve been on Androgel, 1%, 1 pump (1.25g) per day.  I started with 1.62% for about 2 months, but I started to see some changes that freaked me out (voice dropping and body hair growth), so I asked to switch to 1%.  Which I did for 2 months (voice went back to where it was, body hair growth stopped).  Then recently I started alternating between the two every other day.  Which has been working out so far, and I like.  I just hope I can continue to alternate my prescriptions.  I might be questioned on that…

I have had some other slight physical changes that seem common:  I feel warmer, body temperature-wise.  I’ve had some pimples pop up, particularly in places I wouldn’t normally get pimples – thighs, butt, armpit(?)  I’ve been slightly sweatier (my partner would say significantly sweatier, haha).

I want to be able to use testosterone for the rest of my life, but to not change much, physically speaking, over time, if possible.  So far, it does seem possible.  The internal shifts are too good, I couldn’t have even imagined, or dreamed them up, in advance.  I’m still just hanging out, revelling in it all.  One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

lifting heavy things and reprioritizing privacy

Posted: August 13, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Janitorial work | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

I was in Massachusetts last week; I didn’t have internet access!  It was pretty great.  Back at work yesterday and today, we haven’t been doing a whole lot.  We’re in transitional mode – the bulk of summer work is done, and we’re gearing up for the school year.  Teachers have been coming in and setting up their rooms, needing things, creating lots of garbage and cardboard to break down.  I think next week is going to be busy, but for now, things have been comically slow at times.  Like yesterday, my first day back after my vacation, I came in at 6:30am, moved about 3 boxes, and then we went on break until about 8:50am.  And I can’t account for that time – I know co-workers were talking that whole time, but I was pretty much in a daze, and it felt like any normal 15-30 minute break.

Then today, we were going to be in the library for a while, cleaning, so I went to go find the radio we’ve been bringing around with us.  I looked all over and couldn’t find it.  I passed my supervisor in the hall and asked her if she knew where it was.  She switched gears and started looking for it; I gave up and went back to the library.  She eventually showed up without it.  Then my co-worker (who really can find anything we’re missing) went to track it down.  He came back and said he found it in a teacher’s classroom, but he couldn’t tell which one was hers and which one was ours.  So he didn’t touch them.  I then went down to the room to get ours.  This all took about an hour.  Then we listened to some sweet soft rock, to make our workday fly by.  One major facet of our job (especially during summers) is remembering where we last left things that we commonly use.  It’s an almost daily occurence that we’ll use a tool and then leave it behind and not need it until the following week and have no idea where we last had it.  A lot of mentally retracing steps.

My co-worker has commented more than once this summer about how strong I am – about how I don’t look it, but I can really lift stuff.  It’s really nice to hear, and true.  I mean, I’ve always gotten right in there to lift heavy things, but I have definitely gained some muscle mass since being on testosterone.  It’s the only noticeable physical change going on, and the only one I actually want and feel comfortable with; it’s all working out awesome so far.  Also, it’s not noticeable at work to the point where it’s unusual.  My uniform shirt is pretty baggy and bulky, so I think his comments are based on the amount I can lift with ease., as opposed to my appearance.  It is noticeable outside of work though, like if I wear a tank top or tighter shirt.  I’ve noticed some of my shirts feeling tighter / fitting better.

I imagine I’ll write more in depth about this at some point, but for now I just want to note that I am not out at work as non-binary.  Nor am I out as trans*.  I’m referred to with female pronouns, and I have never seriously considered advocating for that to change.  It just feels like it would be draining, beyond belief.  I’ve been pathologically private about myself, actually, until very recently when I started forcing myself to talk a little more.  And I finally revealed that I have a partner, and that we’ve been living together the whole time all you guys (co-workers and supervisor) have known me (we’re talking like 6 years).  But I forgot to drop a pronoun or name during that whole conversation, so I had to later use the word “girlfriend” even though I wouldn’t actually refer to her as such, just to be clear.

I’d been gradually realizing that all this secrecy was working against me and my ability to be an actual person while at work.  Since opening up little by little, working relationships have shifted for the better, and I’m feeling significantly more confident and comfortable.

chest piece

Posted: August 6, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A few years ago, I answered a call out for submissions for a new zine about about the trans/gender variant community and our relationships to our chests.  I wrote a piece and never heard back about the project.  I bugged them 2 or 3 times about it and still got no reply.  At the time, this was really difficult for me because the piece was coming from such a vulnerable place.  It’s just been sitting as a computer file since then, but I’m pretty sure it belongs here:

_______________________________________________

Slowly dissociating from my breasts.  I used to have a love/hate relationship with them, but now I feel deeply disconnected and don’t think about them much.  Unless I think they’re visible under my clothing, in which case I feel really uncomfortable and fixate on hoping no one notices.  I’m lucky they’re so small.  I can get away without binding if I wear the right layers.  So I do that – limit my clothing options to save myself from tense back pain.  I don’t take that for granted, the fact that I do not have to bind. 

I used to cope with stress and frustration, fear and anger by cutting my skin.  I often ended up focusing on my chest.  A lot of times when I was alone, I’d be topless and fizzing with frantic energy.  I’d envision their gory, bloody removal and bask in that thought.  But I also loved them.  It felt good when they were touched; they fit perfectly and comfortably in the palm of each hand.  They seemed like they were a part of me / not a part of me … a part of me … not a part of me.

FROM 5/15/04: I was just wanting something intense to happen. Just by myself, here at the apartment. In addition, I have been obsessing about the removal of my breasts again. There was quite a while when I was ok with them, but I’m not anymore. So I had to pretend like I was going to cut them off. I used that knife and dragged it in sections to form a circle around both. Not deep. It hurt. No blood, but it’ll leave red marks. Like 2 bull’s-eyes. I kind of liked it, but now I look at them and what I did is fucking scary. No emotions to match these actions.

Now though, I don’t act out toward my breasts or dwell on the fact that they’re there. It’s sort of like I don’t really know them. Although sometimes I squeeze my nipples because it feels good, no one else can touch me anywhere near there, or oftentimes, anywhere on my skin at all.  That chest is not a part of me.

I got my first tattoo this past fall.  The image is a scratchy line drawing, a symbol I came up with to express my connection to a deconstructed gender identity.  It’s on my chest, below my right clavicle – to the right of my sternum.  I thought a lot beforehand, while thinking about placement, about whether to incorporate some pretty prominent scars… whether to see if the tattoo could hide them… whether to accentuate the scar lines with the tattoo…  In the end, I wore a tank top that would hide the scars from the tattoo artist, and had the tattoo placed near them but not with them.  Too much shame still surrounds them; they are too personal.  The experience itself was exhilarating and euphoric; I was zoning, reaching a blissed-out state.  And also pushing thoughts of self-mutilation from my mind with every pulse of the tattoo machine.  Hours later, I was out to dinner with my person (who had also gotten a tattoo that afternoon), and emotions unexpectedly flooded in.  Tearing up and unable to dissociate from the parallels between cutting my chest myself and someone else inflicting pain there.  I talked about self-injury and she looked worried.  She knows that was in my past, but I had never really talked about it with her.  I wasn’t regretting the tattoo; I was realizing that the experience had been triggering, no matter how tough I seemed and how good it felt.

I’d like to get more tattoos on my chest.  I fantasize about swimming, being shirt-less, with a sweet chest piece on display.  I am pre-testosterone and pre-surgery (or am I no-hormone and non operative?  I have yet to know).  For now I continue this non-relating to my breasts/chest.  Maybe someday that could change.  Maybe someday I will have the chest I envision (flat and muscular, a male chest).  Although I don’t feel completely male, I don’t feel completely here, in this body, either…

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I wrote this in 2010.  I’ve been feeling differently about my chest within the past few months, which is exciting.  I had been increasingly wanting to get top surgery, for sure, at some point.  But since being on this low-dose of testosterone, I’m not so concerned about it!  It feels good to be touched there.  Also, my pecs have gotten a little more prominent / maybe my chest is even smaller than before.  For now, I can live with it!  (We’ll see what the future holds.)

Also a quick rant:  If you are collecting submissions for a project, a rejection letter / email is 100X better than no email at all.  Or, if you end up just dropping the ball on your project, please let people who submitted know the status.  I was wondering for a long time what happened after submitting my piece.

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