The Soft Sell (Upping the Ante)
Posted: February 6, 2014 Filed under: Passing | Tags: coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, same-sex marriage, Soft Cell, soft sell, testosterone, therapy, trans 6 CommentsI’m thinking differently about coming out to more people, lately. Like, I’m starting to plan for it, as opposed to trying to figure out whether it’s something I want to do or not.
Mainly, I’m thinking about telling some people that I’m on testosterone (and what that means in general and what that means for me), and asking them to use male pronouns from now on, when they refer to me. I could go around doing mental gymnastics about this forever. Do I have a right to impose this on others? (yes!) Do I want to? (not sure) Will others take me seriously? (not sure), etc.
I do not generally pass as male. And I’ve been on low-dose testosterone for almost 11 months, and I still don’t pass. And I plan on being on it for the rest of my life without ever really passing as male. This is what I want; I’m right where I want to be. Except, I feel more male than female, inside, and I want that recognized with male pronouns. Also, I just want to be more visible as being non-binary, and the visual/pronoun incongruence suits me. I could go my whole life without anyone guessing I’m on T (I think). I know that I could go my whole life without being seen how I really feel. And that could be said for a lot of people.
I (sort of) came out to my parents in November. I did this at that point only because I was getting married, and pronouns were going to be used, haha. C’s family consistently uses male pronouns for me – that’s how I was introduced, and how they know me. It’s awesome!!!!! My family does not, and I’d never brought it up to them.
So, in preparation of the getting-married day, I told my parents, over dinner, that I don’t feel like I am either gender, and I avoid pronouns when I can because none of them feel right, but when I have to use them, I prefer male pronouns. I said, “So, I wanted to tell you this because other people use male pronouns for me, and I wanted you to know why, so you would know what was going on.” My mom was nodding emphatically the whole time I gave them the spiel. My dad was making eye contact with the TV rather than with me or my mom. I know he heard me, technically, but I know nothing beyond that.
Yesterday, I was talking about coming out, in therapy. And I relayed/reviewed this scene with my parents (’cause we’d already gone over it, at the time it was happening), and my therapist looked surprised and replied, “Oh, I didn’t realize you had given them the soft sell!” And when she said that, all I could do was visualize Soft Cell (see below) and stare at her, confused. It took me a while to register what she was saying. And I was all, Damn! …but, she’s totally right.
These guys know how to keep a secret.
My parents do not use male pronouns for me now that I’ve explained this to them. I didn’t ask them to. At this point, I don’t actually expect them to because I haven’t told anyone else within their circles, and even I think that would be too weird and uncomfortable for them. BUT! It has made me decide that I want to tell more family members and then start expecting that they will make the change for me. I know it will be hard and I will feel vulnerable. I know some people probably will be able to just switch with no problem, and some people may never actually do it, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t ask.
As of now, here’s what I’m looking at:
Friends / Community – use male pronouns, I feel understood
C’s family – use male pronouns, I feel understood
Work – use female pronouns, about half know I’m married to a female, they probably all think I am a lesbian
My mom’s side of family – use female pronouns, all know I’m married, they probably think I am a lesbian
My dad’s side of family – use female pronouns, use my birth name, no one knows I’m married, they probably think I’m a lesbian
My mom – uses female pronouns, I feel understood (interestingly), knows I’m on testosterone and how I identify
My dad – uses female pronouns, I don’t know what he thinks
My bro – He’s been living in Turkey for 3 years and I have not had much contact. In the past though, he has used male pronouns, I feel understood.
I think that I have a lot of work to do.
I need to get a new doctor
Posted: January 9, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: Androgel, doctor, gender identity, genderqueer, medical treatment, non-binary, testosterone, trans, trans health, transgender health 8 CommentsI got a doctor last February so that I could get on testosterone. He has been fulfilling that need, but I am realizing that I want a doctor to also fill other roles. For example, I’m sick right now (I’m slowly realizing maybe I have the flu a really bad cold.), but there’s really no way I would go to my doctor about that, or something like it. I would avoid my doctor unless it were really an emergency, or unless I need more testosterone (which, not having testosterone would totally feel like an emergency!). And I’m starting to find myself wanting a doctor who A) is nice, B) will answer my questions C) will spend an adequate amount of time with me. I’m pretty sure that’s not too much to ask.
I do not like having to have a doctor. If if weren’t for the T, I probably would continue not having a doctor. I have not really had a doctor since I was 18 and under. I’ve gone to some health centers, and I’ve had psychiatrists, but I’m pretty turned off to the whole thing. My therapist has slowly been convincing me that I could find someone I connect with and could go to for medical concerns as I age. I understand how this might be beneficial. She’s even in the process of looking into someone who is trans-knowledgeable for me, and I’d be super grateful if it works out.
I got referred to my current doctor by a therapist I wasn’t really liking. But I went to him because he apparently treats trans* people. There are a couple of good things about him. Mainly, he doesn’t seem to give a fuck. This has worked in my favor in some ways. He’s leaving it totally up to me how much Androgel I wanna take, basically. He doesn’t care that I don’t want to physically transition or that I don’t identify as FTM, exactly. On the first prescription he wrote me, he checked off both the boxes for M and F. I liked that a lot! (But the pharmacy did not, and basically every trip to the pharmacy has resulted in calls back to his office, issues with the way he wrote something out, etc.) He first tried to get me on a different topical testosterone which would be an amazing deal, like ridiculously low monthly costs. The fine print, however, stated this was only for men 18+, and he failed to catch that, resulting in more hassles at the pharmacy. Currently, he’s writing the script in such a vague way (dosage-wise) that I’m getting a really good deal (Like $6.25 per month) and I’m able to stockpile a supply (which I don’t think he knows about). But, again, it caused issues at the pharmacy.
I would trade all that in (my thriftbrain is not in control of me!) in order to go to someone I could talk to and who would answer my questions. My doctor is gruff and impatient, he apparently has no time for me (visits have been 97% waiting, 3% face-time), and he seems to want to place blame on me for his lack of caring and follow through. For example, I know I should care about my blood tests, but I don’t. So I don’t take the initiative in making sure I get them done at regular intervals. Should I? I’m pretty sure that’s his job. When I was most recently there he asked when my last blood-work was done, and I said I didn’t know. He glanced at my chart and said, “April?!! You have to get these done every couple of months!” I just shrugged and said, “I don’t know these things!” I felt as exasperated as he seemed. It may not be totally fair, but his attitude dictates my attitude, essentially. If I had a doctor who seemed to genuinely want my blood-work and to then talk to me about it, I’m pretty sure I would be motivated to get the blood work done. It’s pretty simple. It’s kinda how a doctor-patient relationship works.
Especially if the patient isn’t a big fan of doctors to begin with. I’m ready to be convinced they can actually be OK.
This year felt different… in a good way
Posted: December 31, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: anxiety, genderqueer, non-binary, recap, same-sex marriage, testosterone, therapy, trans, traveling 2 CommentsIt’s really hard to quantify these things, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that this past year was the best year of my life. A lot of great things happened, I got to travel a lot, I got married (as I’ve been mentioning in every single recent post, haha)! And all those things are awesome. But the reason this year was so good was because I felt so different. I’d been struggling with some pretty crippling anxiety for like, forever. And I’d made quite a bit of progress over the past 2 years in therapy, but basically, I had constructed much of my life in ways to insulate myself from the things that were anxiety provoking. And no amount of therapy was going to help me strip that all away if I was still experiencing such unpleasant physiological reactions. Then I started taking a low dose of testosterone on March 18th and POOF! Anxiety dissipated into thin air, and I’ve just kinda been reveling in how good everything feels for the rest of this year. I hope I get to keep reveling for years to come… We’ll see. Here’s a couple of other things that were awesome:
– C and I went on vacation to Asheville, NC. It was our first grown-up vacation ever, by which I mean we flew there, rented a car (I’d never done this before), used Airbnb to find lodging (we always go somewhere on vacation where we can stay with friends – don’t get me wrong, I love seeing friends, but this just felt so different.), and just did a lot of local things – restaurants, microbreweries, hiking, cultural arts center, etc.
– We went on a bunch of other smaller trips: to Toronto twice (we went to the Toronto Comics Arts Festival and to the Sister Spit Tour), to Philadelphia (Trans Health Conference!), to NYC (Brothers Quay exhibit at MOMA!), and I went on a solo trip to Worcester and Boston.
(Here I am at the Toronto Comics Arts Festival, making a ridiculous face – I’m in line, in the middle, the short guy. I found this pic on the Fantagraphics website – er rather, a friend came across it and sent it to me, and Fantagraphics captioned it: “Then the magical Ulli Lust made her appearance. Leon Avelino of Secret Acres and The Beguiling’s Peter Birkmoe showed up but were sadly outdone by the BEST CON FACE EVER. Thank you, Toronto.” I’m highly amused by this, haha.)
– Like I mentioned, I started using a low dose of testosterone in March. Best. Thing. Ever.
– My supervisor and I started to actually get along at work. We now work really well together (so far), whereas in the past, we have had some pretty major clashes.
– I read 26 books. This number is way down from the past few years, but for prior to a few years ago, I wasn’t reading anything at all, so it’s still kinda a big deal for me!
– C and I got married and went on a fun weekend getaway!
– I met a new friend, a really introspective, really effeminate and handsome queer guy.
– I got a new bike, but did not really ride it nearly enough.
– I was in a really fun play and did a couple of drag shows.
– I started this blog!
There’s probably more, but that was pretty much what 2013 looked like for me.
I’m becoming pussified* by testosterone
Posted: December 3, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: ftm, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, non-binary, pain, pain tolerance, self-injury, self-mutilation, testosterone, trans, transgender 10 Comments*I made up this word, I think (actually I just looked it up, and I totally did not make this word up), but that doesn’t mean some people don’t like it. Let me know if you don’t like it; I’ll think more about it. The root word is “pussy,” which I don’t mean to use in a derogatory way. More like it has a certain ring to it; it is an accurate descriptor for what I mean to say. I’m writing about becoming a pussy when it comes to pain, basically.
Also, trigger warning: self-injury
Before I started taking testosterone (about 9 months ago), I had a peculiar, but not really uncommon, relationship to pain. In many cases, I derived pleasure from pain. I would create sensations of pain, within my control, in an effort to calm myself. Also, when I’d hurt myself accidentally like for example, hit my arm on a doorway, I would feel alarm, followed by an adrenaline rush, followed by a pleasant soothing wave. I think in retrospect, I had a lot of potential to really get into BDSM, except for the fact that before taking testosterone, my sex drive was pretty close to non-existent, so none of that was all that appealing in a sexual context.
Now? If I hurt myself, it hurts! If I accidentally ran into a doorway, it would not be pleasant in any way, shape, or form. I remember the first few times I got hurt in little ways, in the first couple of months of being on testosterone; I was so surprised by how much pain was coursing through my body. I just felt like, aaaaaah! I’ve been swearing under my breath and feeling unnerved by how much stuff hurts.
When I’ve been feeling particularly upset or depressed, I will still have the urge or flash-image to self-injure myself, but there is no real desire to follow through with it whatsoever.
I haven’t self injured since last winter, which is so incredible to me. I hated that it was such an effective coping strategy. Probably my most effective coping strategy, for about 13 years or so. I’ve had such a long, complex relationship to self-injury, both as a concept and as it relates to my body. And I’m so glad to see it changing.
Is pain tolerance a gendered thing? I’m sure the way people experience pain is all over the map, but are there generalities between genders? Such as, females have a higher threshold for tolerating pain. I have no idea, but I’m really curious about it.
And seriously, how cool is it to be living through such a transformation on so many different levels? Like when I started testosterone, it never occurred to me that I might feel differently about pain and be cured (so far at least) of my self- injuring tendencies!
8 months on T without physical changes
Posted: November 18, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, libido, non-binary, sex drive, testosterone, trans, transition, voice dropping Leave a commentI’m continuing to walk this fine line between experiencing incredible internal changes, which makes the decision to continue taking T a no-brainer, and feeling concern about long-term physical changes. So far, this line is still in place, and all is well.
I’ve been posting about progress on testosterone super infrequently. There’s a couple of reasons for this: 1. I’m definitely feeling like I’m in it for the long term (both taking T and writing this blog), so it’s more like spurts of data over a lot period of time, rather than data overload and then burnout, or something like that. 2. There’s really not a whole lot to report! I mean, I’ve been experiencing a ton of internal changes. But things are feeling pretty stabilized, and there’s not a ton of exciting new information. Here’s a recap / rundown:
I’m using Androgel 1%, 1 pump (1.25g) daily.
Physical changes: what I have noticed has been sooooo minimal, which I’m so psyched about. And these changes happened within the first 2-3 months, and I’m not seeing much new here since. I noticed a slight filling out of my mustache, a few longer light-colored hairs on my chin, a slight broadening of my shoulders with some muscle growth in my pecs, biceps, and shoulders. My clitoris got bigger over the course of a few days about 2 months in, and hasn’t changed since then. I’ve gotten a little sweatier and smellier (feeling the desire to shower more frequently), and I seem to have a higher tolerance for cold, which is awesome! There is one physical change that I’m noticing more recently: I’m seeing slightly darker hairs at the application site. I apply the gel to my upper thighs, and there’s definitely some slight hair growth. The one change I’m feeling ambivalent about and unsure of is voice dropping. I keep being hyper aware and concerned. No one else seems to be able to tell there is any difference. So far, I haven’t made vocal recordings because I don’t want to obsess over it any more than I already am. I think the difference is so slight, and that voices are moving, dynamic, changing things anyway, that there’s really no cause for concern. Largely, I worry that certain changes plateaued soon and were pretty negligible, but that perhaps my voice will keep dropping the longer I’m on T. I’ll just have to wait to find out. I may start making voice recordings, if I think it’ll help.
Internal changes: The internal changes I talked about at 5 months included drastic decrease in anxiety, increase in sex drive, feeling grounded and connected and warm and fuzzy, and changes in sensations of pain. I’m still reveling in all of these things. It is still plenty of reason to keep taking T, despite my concern over experiencing physical changes. For about 6 months, my anxiety levels were at 0, which I have never experienced before in my entire life. Now they’re fluctuating, like life tends to cause, but at a much lower, more tolerable level, than I was experiencing pre-T. Increased sex drive feels sustainable, and has allowed me to explore new (dormant?) areas of my sexuality I hadn’t been able to tap into before. Sensations of pain and feeling connected to my body have been starting to dwindle in awesomeness, I think because I’m getting used to it, and can’t recall what it used to feel like, to compare then and now, as much. Everything is dwindling in awesomeness, and I keep trying to remind myself how different in a negative way, my bodily experiences were, pre-T.
The effects of T have been a dream come true for me. I’ll be back with a T update in a few more months! (These photos are from 5 months and then 8 months. I guess I’m looking at whether there’s a change in my face shape over time. So far, I can’t notice anything. This pleases me.)
Coming out as “getting married”
Posted: October 13, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: genderqueer, getting gay married, lgbt, lgbtq, marriage, marriage rights, non-binary, relationships, testosterone, trans, transgender, wedding, wedding planning 2 Comments
Hey, my partner and I have been planning on getting married! We finally reserved a venue, this here house, in one of the county parks. It’s starting to feel like a real deal now, that we’re going to be doing this thing… We’ve been “engaged”* for a while now, and at least from my end, I’d been sort of putting off planning / making things more concrete. There’s probably a lot of reasons why that is, and I’ve been de-tangling all of that little by little. I don’t think I’ll be going into all those thoughts here and now (hint: a lot of the thoughts surround the idea that for so long, we couldn’t legally get married anyway, and more recently we can yet so many others can’t, and that’s confusing to say the least), but one thought really stands out as it relates to my current low-dose testosterone adventure: When I started testosterone last March, I really had no idea where I was going to end up! I mean, I thought I would end up very close to where I’ve been at already, but I couldn’t know ’til I tried it. And I still can’t know for sure, but I feel a little more secure than I did six months ago.
In other words, I feel like the possibility to legally transition is floating around nearby me, always. But the first few months of being on testosterone (trying something radically new) was a pretty sure bet for a time period where I might start feeling differently than before.
In some more other words, if I were going to want to legally change my name and gender markers, the early months of being on T was a time period of higher likelihood for feelings like that to emerge, potentially. (Not to mention maybe realizing I wanted to increase my dosage and transition in all ways – physically / legally / socially / etc.) But I didn’t really, feel that way. Which isn’t to say I won’t at any other point in time, of course! It just seemed like a strange time to start planning a wedding, if I was more unsure than normal what name and gender might go on our marriage certificate and other legal documents we pursue together.
Some of that uncertainty started to dissipate over time. I’m feeling really happy with where I’m at. Which is maybe one or two steps away from where I’ve been at before, in terms of my gender identity. I’m not planning on taking a hundred steps closer to being seen as “male.” I mean, my partner sees me as male, as well as all the other shades of gender I want to be seen as, and that’s really what feels most important. I’ve been starting to feel more ready to take some steps with her toward a different relationship identity.
I don’t think I ever directly articulated this to my partner! Guess it’s time for some more conversations! (One of the cool side effects of having a blog, or, you know, writing in general.)
*word is in quotations because it doesn’t feel like this “stage of our relationship” has much to do with what might traditionally be assumed, by being “engaged.” Nor will our “wedding” or subsequent “marriage” resemble much of what the mainstream might assume, by the use of those words… for example, there’s no engagement ring, no plans to combine or share finances, I could go on, but I don’t really want to! Why can’t there just be more word choices?!!
Trying to get out of the fog, back to the party
Posted: September 27, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: bipolar disorder, depression, emotions, in a funk, mental health, optimism, testosterone, trans 3 CommentsI’ve been on testosterone (very low-dose) for a little over 6 months now, and in some ways, that was the best 6 month streak I’ve ever had. Now, I find myself crashing, in some very familiar ways… Did I think I was now immune to these lows? I’m not sure – I’ve felt more “normal” than ever before lately, so yeah I think I figured maybe my “highs and lows” would not vary as much as they have my whole adult life. But I think they’re still a pretty big part of me.
At age 17, I was diagnosed as bipolar. By 23, I was seriously questioning that, and slowly getting off all my meds, and deciding that I had been misdiagnosed. I’m certain of that by now. But, I’m pretty sure I do have some ups and downs that are outside “normal range.” I also have a tendency to just emotionally shut down to avoid the whole feeling things in the first place (not fun!) . Being in therapy recently has helped me avoid shut-down mode. So has testosterone. I think. Maybe.
I’ve been pretty down for the past few weeks. But, relatively, it’s not that bad. In the past, I’ve experienced bouts of depression that have lasted roughly 4-6 months at a time and have left me basically non-functional. Currently, I’m pretty much normally functioning. I’m just not getting much enjoyment out of things, and I’m dreading anything upcoming in the near future. Like, really dreading. Also, interestingly as per my unfaltering optimism, I believe this fog is going to lift any day now, and I’ll get right back into things. We’ll see about that.
It’s just… kind of a bummer. The first few months on testosterone were a really fun mix of elation, warm and fuzzy, cozy, euphoria, sexual energy, confidence burst, and anxiety-be-gone! Now it’s feeling like… party’s over! But, again with the optimism, I think that as soon as I navigate out of this gloom, the party will still be there, waiting for me.
From whimsical musings to invasive ruminations on transitioning
Posted: September 17, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgynous, angst, anxiety, ftm, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, repetition, ruminating, testosterone, therapy, top surgery, transgender, transmasculine Leave a commentFor over a decade, I had been going back and forth hundreds (thousands?) of times in my head about whether transitioning was right for me or not. Or if not every aspect of it, what about this but not that? Will I ever move forward with some aspect maybe? At some point not that long ago, I seemed to come to the conclusion that no, I wasn’t going to move forward because if I were, I would have done something about it by now. And I haven’t, so I’m not. I must be lacking some internal drive, so it must not be something that I need to do. I settled on identifying as genderqueer and trans* but not planning on medically transitioning in any way. And I seemed satisfied with that. (?) But not quite, or, no, not at all actually. Because it was still on my mind. Sometimes just as whimsical musings in the back of my brain. Other times as pervasive/invasive body-dysphoric consistent ruminations.
I guess I always thought that if I did move forward with something, it would be top surgery, and not HRT. Because I never want to consistently pass as male. I want to continue looking androgynous forever. Top surgery could help with that (although I’m fortunate in that I can get away without surgery, and without binding, in hiding what I have). Taking testosterone would be going further than I want to go. So I thought.
I thought it had to be all or nothing. I thought I had to have a case ready about how I need to transition, in order to access testosterone. And I don’t need to transiton, and I really don’t like to lie. I thought I would need a letter from a therapist, and to jump through all these hoops, to access testosterone. And I wasn’t even sure I wanted it! Eventually I reached a point where I just knew that I needed to try it, at some point, just so that I could know. So that at the very least, I could think about it differently or think about it less often, as it relates to a decision about something I should or should not do.
I have this awesome therapist. She doesn’t know much about trans* identities. I’m fairly certain she had not previously had a trans* client before, although I could be wrong. I’d been talking to her about this stuff, and she’d been following along, more or less, in stride. When I would say I need to try this out, she would say, “then why not!” I asked her if she’d write me a letter if need be, and she said she wouldn’t be comfortable doing that; she doesn’t have enough knowledge about it. Still operating under the assumption that I would need a letter, I started also seeing another therapist, basically for the purpose of getting a letter.
This second therapist gave me the name of a doctor during our first session. Turns out that, apparently, I didn’t need a letter! Turns out I didn’t need to convince anyone at any point that I wanted to transition medically. I never once had to lie to get my hands on testosterone. And once I did get my hands on it, I was given the freedom to experiment with the dosing, basically use as much or as little as I wanted. Turns out I want to use as little as possible. Turns out I might be able to stay on it for the rest of my life without looking any more masculine than I currently do (this has yet to be proven, but it’s been 6 months now, and so far, so good). And the internal effects, with this super low dose, are significant and pretty much better than I could have even hoped for.
Basically, for all those years of wondering and second-guessing and processing and feeling anxious and obsessing and daydreaming and doubting myself and ultimately sort of concluding by default that I wouldn’t take any steps forward, actually doing something about it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
And in retrospect, it isn’t like there’s no turning back, to some extent. Testosterone is a slow-moving substance in terms of long-term changes… I’m really enjoying the internal forward momentum though.
chiropractic care shifts since taking testosterone
Posted: August 27, 2013 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: back pain, Chiropractic, chiropractor, gender identity, non-binary, Scoliosis, spinal health, testosterone, transgender, transition Leave a commentI’ve been going to a chiropractor about once a month for over 5 years. I have mild scoliosis; my back goes out of alignment in a way that always throws my hips off. Plus, working as a janitor requires a lot of repetitive motions – I try to alternate between right and left as much as I can, but I know I’m skewing to the right anyway. I want to do whatever I can to prevent ever having a back injury.
My doctor noticed the scoliosis when I was 13 and treated it by having me wear a lift in my left shoe. Is this really a treatment for scoliosis? I’d been wearing the lift my whole life right up till seeing this chiropractor. He immediately said I didn’t need it. He was definitely right. The appointments always go the same way. He uses the same motions and tools to put me back into alignment. It is a very short amount of time. I can feel the improvements every time I walk out. Sometimes I’m doubtful about how long the effects last though, when I’m going right back to the same tasks every day…
I had an appointment two weeks after starting testosterone, back in April. The routine seemed slightly different, and he commented I was looking good. I wasn’t planning to, but I mentioned the testosterone. I figured he might have some questions – at least ask me why I was taking it. I’ve never said anything about how I identify to him; he’s totally cool though. I imagine he’d totally take it in stride. He didn’t ask though. All he said was, “testosterone will do wonders for muscle mass, but we’re looking at your whole system here. Your spine works in tandem with muscles, joints and ligaments – it’s also connected to every single internal organ.” I think he went on, but I didn’t really catch it all because it sounded like jargon of the profession to me. He was just laying the groundwork to let me know it is important I keep coming.
I am really debating though. I’ve gone 3 more times since then, and I don’t seem to be nearly as far out of alignment as I was before the testosterone. I can’t know for sure because I can’t quite see what he’s doing and I don’t know enough about it. But I’ve been feeling like it might not be necessary. And he’s said more things to the effect of, it’s important to keep fine-tuning your body. Like one time he told me an extended metaphor about not even Yo Yo Ma being able to play well with a shitty, out-of-tune cello. Or something.
I never thought testosterone would change anything about my back, but it does make sense. If I’m developing some muscle strength to balance things out, I might be able to hold the alignment better. I do think my core muscles have shifted, so that if my back is a lever, it has become a slightly more efficient lever than it was before. That is so cool! I’m still going every month in the meantime, but I’m trying to figure out whether I want to continue or not…
janitorqueer 