five months on T without physical changes

Posted: August 18, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I’m happy to report that outward changes continue to be extremely minimal!  I’m going to focus on the most noticeable internal-experience changes, now that it’s been a good chunk of time and it feels like these changes are here to stay.

Pain:  I was in quite a bit of constant physical pain, mainly joint pain in my hands and arms, probably from repetitive motions at work and/or not eating enough.  Instantly, that was gone.  In addition, I’m just kind of suddenly getting a little bit stronger and work is way easier.  Also, I’m experiencing sensations of pain a lot differently than before.  Like, it’s unpleasant!  Whereas before, the constant joint pain was unpleasant, but certain types of pain (basically, self-inflicted) were pleasant and/or comforting.  I’m not going to say I’ll never self-injure again, but it does feel so far away from where I’m at right now.  That is so amazing to me.  I hated that I did that, even very recently, quite a lot.

Hunger:  Hasn’t ended up being sustainable unfortunately, but seems worth noting.  I felt hungrier for about one week, early on.  I thought eating was a worthwhile thing to do.  Briefly, I had chemical signals connecting food with pleasure centers in my brain; It was awesome!  Like, I would think about and look forward to getting to eat.  I would prefer certain things over other things, by a lot.  That quickly dwindled back to my normal feelings and attitudes about food, which are not very exciting.  Not at all.  Sometimes eating is a real chore, in fact.  The one thing that feels different now is that if I skip eating at a time I usually eat at, I will feel more motivated to catch up.  In that way, I will feel hungrier if I don’t eat.  That wasn’t really true before.  Also, I’ve gained 5 or 6 pounds, which manifests in the one externally noticeable physical change going on – muscle growth, mainly in my arms, shoulders, pecs, and abs.  Really psyched about this.  Can’t go wrong with more muscles!

Warm and Fuzzy:  I just feel cuddly and cozy.  I feel connected to my body in a way I never have before.  It’s really hard to describe, but I’m sure people can relate.  Like, my clothes feel soft on my skin.  Like, I’m walking on pillows and clouds, yet paradoxically, I feel totally grounded.  Like, I had no idea how jagged and disconnected I was before; I had nothing to compare it to.  These sensations have been dwindling over time – I think I’ve been getting used to them.  Like the clouds are not quite as soft and pillowy as they were at first.

Sex Drive:  Having a sex drive I can relate to is awesome.  Being able to have sexual thoughts and have that be connected to a body sensation.  My body responding to sexual stimuli.  Having totally different sensations everywhere on my body than I used to, in a good way.  Clitoral growth, which means actually being able to feel and experience erectile tissue sensations.  Previously, junk was so small and sensitive in a bad way, it wasn’t all that fun.

Anxiety:  The biggest, most drastic change, is anxiety:  totally gone!  Like general anxiety just disappeared into thin air.  I still totally over-think things and mentally worry way too much, but the fact that those thoughts aren’t connected to physical anxiety responses is a huge relief.  I was exerting so much energy on things that don’t matter!  I was feeling so drained and limited by these feelings that I couldn’t get away from before!  It’s a lot of work avoiding things that might trigger unpleasant internal responses; now I don’t do that nearly so much!  It is totally a brain chemistry shift – I don’t know how or why, but it’s not something I’m worrying about haha.  Also, emotionality overall hasn’t changed much.  I still have been experiencing the same range and types of emotions, which I’m happy for.  If anything, there might be a slight capacity to acknowledge anger and frustration now, which seems positive.  I’ll have to see how that plays into my life.

I’ve been on Androgel, 1%, 1 pump (1.25g) per day.  I started with 1.62% for about 2 months, but I started to see some changes that freaked me out (voice dropping and body hair growth), so I asked to switch to 1%.  Which I did for 2 months (voice went back to where it was, body hair growth stopped).  Then recently I started alternating between the two every other day.  Which has been working out so far, and I like.  I just hope I can continue to alternate my prescriptions.  I might be questioned on that…

I have had some other slight physical changes that seem common:  I feel warmer, body temperature-wise.  I’ve had some pimples pop up, particularly in places I wouldn’t normally get pimples – thighs, butt, armpit(?)  I’ve been slightly sweatier (my partner would say significantly sweatier, haha).

I want to be able to use testosterone for the rest of my life, but to not change much, physically speaking, over time, if possible.  So far, it does seem possible.  The internal shifts are too good, I couldn’t have even imagined, or dreamed them up, in advance.  I’m still just hanging out, revelling in it all.  One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

lifting heavy things and reprioritizing privacy

Posted: August 13, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Janitorial work | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

I was in Massachusetts last week; I didn’t have internet access!  It was pretty great.  Back at work yesterday and today, we haven’t been doing a whole lot.  We’re in transitional mode – the bulk of summer work is done, and we’re gearing up for the school year.  Teachers have been coming in and setting up their rooms, needing things, creating lots of garbage and cardboard to break down.  I think next week is going to be busy, but for now, things have been comically slow at times.  Like yesterday, my first day back after my vacation, I came in at 6:30am, moved about 3 boxes, and then we went on break until about 8:50am.  And I can’t account for that time – I know co-workers were talking that whole time, but I was pretty much in a daze, and it felt like any normal 15-30 minute break.

Then today, we were going to be in the library for a while, cleaning, so I went to go find the radio we’ve been bringing around with us.  I looked all over and couldn’t find it.  I passed my supervisor in the hall and asked her if she knew where it was.  She switched gears and started looking for it; I gave up and went back to the library.  She eventually showed up without it.  Then my co-worker (who really can find anything we’re missing) went to track it down.  He came back and said he found it in a teacher’s classroom, but he couldn’t tell which one was hers and which one was ours.  So he didn’t touch them.  I then went down to the room to get ours.  This all took about an hour.  Then we listened to some sweet soft rock, to make our workday fly by.  One major facet of our job (especially during summers) is remembering where we last left things that we commonly use.  It’s an almost daily occurence that we’ll use a tool and then leave it behind and not need it until the following week and have no idea where we last had it.  A lot of mentally retracing steps.

My co-worker has commented more than once this summer about how strong I am – about how I don’t look it, but I can really lift stuff.  It’s really nice to hear, and true.  I mean, I’ve always gotten right in there to lift heavy things, but I have definitely gained some muscle mass since being on testosterone.  It’s the only noticeable physical change going on, and the only one I actually want and feel comfortable with; it’s all working out awesome so far.  Also, it’s not noticeable at work to the point where it’s unusual.  My uniform shirt is pretty baggy and bulky, so I think his comments are based on the amount I can lift with ease., as opposed to my appearance.  It is noticeable outside of work though, like if I wear a tank top or tighter shirt.  I’ve noticed some of my shirts feeling tighter / fitting better.

I imagine I’ll write more in depth about this at some point, but for now I just want to note that I am not out at work as non-binary.  Nor am I out as trans*.  I’m referred to with female pronouns, and I have never seriously considered advocating for that to change.  It just feels like it would be draining, beyond belief.  I’ve been pathologically private about myself, actually, until very recently when I started forcing myself to talk a little more.  And I finally revealed that I have a partner, and that we’ve been living together the whole time all you guys (co-workers and supervisor) have known me (we’re talking like 6 years).  But I forgot to drop a pronoun or name during that whole conversation, so I had to later use the word “girlfriend” even though I wouldn’t actually refer to her as such, just to be clear.

I’d been gradually realizing that all this secrecy was working against me and my ability to be an actual person while at work.  Since opening up little by little, working relationships have shifted for the better, and I’m feeling significantly more confident and comfortable.

further access to testosterone despite not medically transitioning

Posted: July 30, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Friday, I picked up a prescription for Androgel refills, and I’m now covered for 4 more months at $6.25 per month!!!  No appointment, no blood work, no more insurance hassles.  I felt elated that it was so easy.  I feel like initially when I was trying to get some testosterone a few months ago, I was going back for so many appointments, having to call insurance, having to wait for the pharmacy to phone my doctor, worrying I was going to be denied access because I was being upfront about not planning to use it to medically transition, etc.  It almost seemed not worth it.  But objectively, it was actually relatively easy to get.  And I’m so grateful I have health insurance.

It’s just that I wanted very badly to continue avoiding doctors and all that stuff for the rest of my life, kinda.  When I was younger, I was going to psychiatrists and getting prescriptions all the time.  Going to pharmacies, getting blood drawn, getting refills, trying sample pharmaceuticals, being misdiagnosed.  In a way, it feels like that’s what my young adulthood was about:  being mentally ill, seeing myself as someone who is mentally ill and not often fully functioning.  And then I just dropped out of the health system for like 8 years and gave up on pills.  I liked that, the dropping out, and really dreaded getting back into it in order to access testosterone.  It is so worth it though.  And the hard parts (I hope) are over.

Today at work, we went to our annual safety meeting, where we go over asbestos awareness, chemicals, fire hazards, blood-borne pathogens, the dangers of ladders, and how to lift heavy things.  It’s the same exact power point presentation every year, but I always really love it because it’s the only opportunity to get to see all the janitors from all the schools in the district.  I get to say hi to all the people I’ve worked with in the past.  And eat donuts!  My co-worker ate 2 bagels and 2 donuts.  I ate 2 donuts, a half of a bagel, and a cup of fruit.  It’s awesome that there was actually more than enough food this year.  In the past few years, they’ve skimped on the food, and it’s kind of been a bummer.

Also, I just want to note that I saw Swans this past week, and I went and sat down and fell asleep for the last 20 minutes of the show, despite their deafening levels, their heavy duty concrete walls of sound (I was wearing ear plugs).

 

 

low-dose testosterone for the rest of my life

Posted: July 24, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments

I’m a janitor at a school.  Also, sometimes I waltz around as a drag king (or once in a while, queen).  I feel pretty masculine, but I have no plans to medically transition anytime soon – most likely, I never will.  I strongly feel that I’d be lost if I were to transition and blend in as male.  As far as blending in as female?  That just sounds absurd in my head.  No way I feel I could, even though I’m aware I’m read as female most of the time.  …because it’s the default.  If I don’t tell people differently, how could they know how I see myself?  They can’t.  I’m not a woman (or a man).  I’m not a lesbian.  I’m not a butch dyke.  I’m not gay (er… that’s complicated).  But I probably look like those things.

About 4 months ago, I started a low-dose testosterone adventure.  I wanted to take testosterone long term while ideally, not going through any physical changes.  I didn’t know whether this would be possible, and I still have yet to find any information about whether it’s possible, specifically.  I largely feel comfortable with where I’m at in terms of gender presentation and expression.  But I’d been wondering a lot if certain internal experiences could be better.  Gradually, I found myself in a place where I realized, I need to try out a few things and see what works for me.  I got on a really low dose of Androgel and was completely floored by how well my body seemed to connect with additional testosterone.  To me, it feels like it has a whole lot more to do with my mental health than it does with my gender identity, but of course, it’s all intertwined.  As of now, I plan to be on testosterone for the rest of my life if possible, while minimizing physical changes.  I’m taking testosterone toward androgyny.  Although, I’m already androgynous, so I hope to be transitioning (outwardly) toward more of the same, actually.

I’ve felt a lot of different shifts, but most noteworthy is that my general anxiety is pretty much gone.  I spent my late teens and early twenties on a lot of different medications (antidepressants, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics) trying to find some balance.  None of these worked well for me.  Some of them were really shitty.  I just gave up and went off all medications, just tried to live with the anxiety and obsessive thought patterns.  I’m now in my early thirties, and it feels like increased testosterone was the missing link all along.  It is certainly significant.  I feel relatively balanced and at peace, for the first time in my life really.  And I owe that to trying testosterone under the unfounded assumption that maybe I really don’t have to go through many, if any at all, physical changes.

About 2 months in, I was freaking out that no, it wasn’t going to be possible, and I was going to have to stop.  I had acquired a tiny moustache.  My voice dropped the slightest bit, which really had me worried.  But I tried a lower concentrated version instead of stopping all together, still felt the incredible internal benefits, and as more time goes on, it does seem very possible.  My voice returned to the range I’m used to and comfortable with.  Other subtle changes have plateaued out, and I stopped worrying so much that I was going to have to choose between coming out in new ways to people I that didn’t really want to come out to, or stopping this thing that I was falling in love with, internally.

A lot of what I write about is going to be about whether this is still possible for me or not.  And I’m going to hope to gather info from others’ experiences, over time as well.

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