Tattoos and shock jock radio
Posted: May 25, 2014 Filed under: coming out | Tags: coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, lgbtqia, non-binary, queer, radio djs, shock jock, tattoos, trans, transgender, transphobia, work 2 CommentsThis past week, I had two opportunities to come out to someone at work, and I ended up not taking either. And… I feel OK about it. I haven’t been beating myself up about the lost chance; I know more will come along. I’m not putting pressure on myself for taking the easy way out – I’ve stopped looking at these types of situations in those terms. What’s important is that these opportunities felt within my grasp, and that’s a new thing! Now that I’ve felt that, I’ll imagine opportunities will start popping up left and right. Because once it feels like that door is open, conversations that did not previously feel like opportunities, suddenly do. And, I will get there.
Both of these conversations occurred one-on-one, with the head of the kitchen (someone I don’t work with, but have a somewhat comfortable rapport with). I don’t see her on a regular basis, but when I fill in for my supervisor during the day-time hours, we have plenty of time to sit and chat.
1. She was describing a tattoo she was planning on getting. She showed me a picture on her iPhone of the tattoo she wants. We discussed tattoos at length. I told her all about my partner’s tattoos, and about how her brother is a tattoo artist. Finally, I told her I have a tattoo. She didn’t act surprised or ask to see it (she knows I scare easily, haha.) At a later time, she again brought up her plans to get a tattoo. I took that opportunity to show her mine, which is located below my right clavicle. She was nonchalant and didn’t ask what it is or what it means. And I didn’t tell her, but it felt like I could have, which is new.
What it is: It’s the trans* symbol, except it’s disassembled and rearranged (I came up with the idea long before I got the tattoo). I guess it just means that I’ve felt simultaneously connected and disconnected from identifying as transgender, for a very long time. I feel that the term is accurate in describing me, but it also feels splintered, fractured / I feel disengaged. If she had asked, I wouldn’t have said this exactly; I’m not sure what I would have told her!
2. On Wednesday, this town’s worst shock jock radio hosts Kimberly and Beck were suspended indefinitely from their radio station, after making hateful comments against the transgender community. There was such an outpouring as a result, that they were fired by Entercom Radio on Thursday morning. I have my head in such a hole, that I didn’t know anything about it. The head of the kitchen mentioned it to me around lunch-time on Thursday. She showed me the article on her iPhone. (I was super elated by this news. I have strongly disliked Kimberly and Beck for years. I looked it up, and they’ve been on the air, every morning, for 13 years!!!)
We discussed how they crossed a line, and how you just don’t say shit like that. I was so close to telling her that I know a lot of transgender people, and that I am transgender. In my head, I got hung up on the part where I tell her how I identify, specifically, I guess because it’s not that straightforward / I want to be taken seriously when I do tell people. So I just let the moment pass, but, again, the potential of it felt new and interesting. Like I could see the conversation starting to formulate, and that’s exciting.
Work is like the final frontier, in my head. If I could come out at work, it would be an incredible accomplishment. And this is how I would do it – start with one person, start with one-on-one conversations, and see what happens. Even though I didn’t get there this week, I will. And more importantly, IGNORANT SHOCK JOCK DJS TALKING SHIT GOT FIRED FOR THEIR SHIT!!! And the radio station seemed to do the right thing every step of the way. They even had two local trans* activists on air to discuss some issues. This is incredible!!!
Getting to know each other
Posted: May 20, 2014 Filed under: Writing | Tags: award, blogging, blogs, bunnies, chain mail, kombucha, music, rabbits, radio dj 1 CommentThank you to tsoi hawk and rimonim for including me in the Liebster Awards. This award uses a chain-mail technique in order to connect more writers together and create an opportunity to get to know each other a little better. Many of us write continuously, sometimes constantly about one or two topics, and we never really get a sense of who the author is!
I was stalling for a while about this post, because while I love the spirit of this award, I do not love the pressure and obligation to follow the rules and not break the chain! I am a notorious chain breaker. You wanted to send me a recipe/list of books/favorite quote/etc. and a list of 6 more people to forward my own recipe/books/quotes/etc. on to? Bad choice; those people never saw anything about it! But I figured, why not try this one, even if I don’t follow everything we’re supposed to do.
So, here’s a modified version, I guess.
Some blogs I’ve really been enjoying lately:
And a favorite blog, that, sadly, appears to now be an archive:
rainbowgenderpunk
If I linked to your blog, and you wanna follow all the rules, click here for more info about the Liebster Award. If you don’t wanna do it at all, that’s OK too.
Some random facts about me:
– I know all of Tom Petty’s greatest hits by heart. This is not indicative of my musical tastes. I just had the cassette tape growing up. (I do still love it.)
– What’s on my iPod right now: albums by Bauhaus, Daft Punk, DJ Shadow, Maps, RJD2, Skinny Puppy, Sleigh Bells, The Roots, Wolf Parade. This is slightly more indicative of my musical tastes. I listen to my iPod every single work-day, for probably 4-6 hours.
– I’m going to hear back in a couple of weeks whether my proposal for a radio show will be accepted. I’ll most likely be a radio DJ starting this fall!
– One of my favorite pastimes is brewing kombucha.
It is a delicious, healthy alternative to soda. It is awesome! You can buy it in stores, but it is $$$. You can make it at home for super super cheap. It’s basically just black tea (or any tea, but black is best) and processed, white sugar. Plus the weird flesh-colored disk called a Symbiotic Colony Of Bacteria and Yeast (SCOBY). You have to acquire one of those.
– We have a pet dwarf rabbit named Grey Bunny. She is 12 years old!
That’s about all I got for right now.
Convincing doctors that hormones are not that complicated
Posted: May 13, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, coming out, doctors, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtq, medical treatment, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender 14 CommentsI just got back from my first appointment with a new doctor at a women’s health group (unintentional!) This has been an ongoing saga, and although it’s not a perfect fit, it’s good enough, at least for now. Looking for more backstory?
Back in January, I decided I was fed up with my doctor, and that I could do better.
By the end of February, I’d found a promising candidate, only to realize she’s part of a women’s health group.
My last appointment with my doctor, at the end of March, was an absurdist performance piece.
It has been challenging to find appropriate health care where I live, but I’ve plowed ahead anyway because: 1)I know what I am trying to get, and 2)I don’t see any reason why I should not get it. This new doctor has no expertise in trans* identities, and I knew that going in. But I did find her through the local gay alliance’s resource page, so that was a start. When I told her that this is how I came to be here, she replied, “Well… yes, I am LGBT friendly, but I don’t know how I got on that list.” What does that mean???
When I told her the reason I’m here is to get more Androgel, she replied that she does not feel qualified to prescribe hormones. That was the start of the discussion, but by the end, she was giving me a prescription for exactly what I said I’ve been on for over a year already, and she was changing her tune to, “I suppose I could for the time being, but the long-term health risks are too great, and it’s not my area of expertise.”
I told her I’ve been going to the one trans* specific doctor in the area who treats adults (that I know about), and I want to switch because I do not like him. She used her laptop to confirm she knew of no local doctors, aside from the clinic that treats adolescents and young adults. She suggested I could use her as my PCP and still go to my other doctor for the hormones. I told her I was not going to do this. She then suggested she might be able to get me in at the adolescent clinic for a one-time visit, so that she can then be advised by them about my care. I told her that would be amazing. She will be following up with me on this, and I would be happy to go.
I told her how I perceive my gender identity, why I’m taking testosterone, and that it does not involve much health risk for me personally. She said, even so, she did not know enough about it. I asked her, “What if a woman wanted to take testosterone to address issues with a low sex-drive?” (Women do this.) She said that she would not use testosterone as a treatment. It’s not been proven to be effective. She continued on to say that she does have some male patients (husbands, sons, etc. of patients, who want to come here), and some have low testosterone levels, and she’s not the one to prescribe them testosterone. I found this difficult to believe.
I showed her a copy of my latest blood tests, and this is when the tables started to turn. I saw her open up. I illustrated what I knew by telling her what “normal” female and male ranges were, and where I fall within that. I told her that risks such as increased blood pressure, red-blood cell count, cholesterol, etc., are real concerns that can be monitored through blood work, but I believe I counteract those risks anyway with my lifestyle (vegetarian diet, active profession, don’t smoke, drink only moderately.)
I told her, bluntly, “It’s not that complicated.”
And, in the end, she seemed OK with it. She was asking me what diagnosis I would like her to put for insurance purposes. I told her that Gender Identity Disorder is in the DSM – “I don’t like it, but it’s there.” She responded with, “What about ‘hormone treatment for transgender patients?’ Well, you don’t identify as transgender…” I told her that I do, that “transgender” is an umbrella term, and that diagnosis works OK.
I went by this new name I’m trying out, at the doctor’s office. I figured this is a compartmentalized atmosphere, and a good place to see what it feels like. I gotta say, it didn’t feel great. I’m not sure what that’s about yet. If that means this just isn’t the name for me, or if I’d actually feel this way about any new name, because any and all would feel foreign at first. I’m sure my gut will tell me. And time. Time will tell me. I also told her I’d like to go by male pronouns. She said, “We can do our best with this. You’ll probably have to remind us, but we’ll try.” Her body language while she said this conveyed, “I don’t get it. I’m not really going to try, but feel free to try to get us to try.”
And this is where things are.
I am not “your,”or anyone else’s, janitor
Posted: May 12, 2014 Filed under: Janitorial work, Uncategorized | Tags: class issues, gay, gay male, janitors, lgbt, lgbtq, manual labor, power, power dynamics, queer, relationship, relationships, work, working class Leave a commentDear (anonymous) Sir,
A few days ago, you asked the internet through a google search, “does my janitor who is a male like me and im a male (gay)?” And the internet took you to my blog, in the hopes it would help you find your answer. (Yes, the internet does have its own hopes and dreams!) I highly doubt you found what you were looking for, so I decided to fill in the blanks, in case you try again in the future. I will be taking some liberties and making some assumptions, in order to create a concise response. If I am off base, please, call me out!
I’m sorry to let you know, the internet cannot answer questions that are this specific to your personal experience. You can glean a whole lot of information that might help you put words to your feelings, which is super helpful. But the internet does not know your situation, does not know your janitor, and does not know anything beyond whatever it is that people write on it. Is there a chance that your janitor wrote about you on the internet? Yes, maybe. But you will not be coming upon that writing by asking in that way.
In order to learn more about this, you would have to interact in real life. Also, you may want to ask yourself instead, “Do I like my janitor, like, do I like like him? And if so, do I want to do something about it, despite potential consequences?” You might want to weigh the pros and cons. You might want to feel out the situation in more nuanced ways before jumping to conclusions or potentially propositioning him directly. You could ask for advice from people you trust and are close to. Hell, you could even anonymously ask for advice in myriads of places online (again, I’d suggest focusing on your own feelings and not your janitor’s)! But you will not come upon much success by googling it.
Equally important though, please disregard everywhere in the above paragraphs where I indulged the idea of “your” janitor. He is not your janitor. You do not own him. You may not know this, but he doesn’t actually even work for you! I am going to assume you are not his direct supervisor, and are instead someone who works in a building (as a lawyer, businessman, teacher, or some other profession where you work in a space.) And he cleans your space. You, in a way, do own that space. It is sort of “your” desk, “your” trash can, “your” chalk board, etc. That is fine. But, again, he is not “your” janitor.
Let’s go out on a limb and imagine you are his supervisor. In this case, and only this case, it could maybe be appropriate to call him your janitor. My supervisor does this – she will refer to us (the people who do work for her) as “my guys.” This has the potential of fostering a sense of camaraderie, like we are a team, and she is our leader. This could be OK. But to singularly be someone’s something, even in this context, would be strange. If you are his supervisor, I’d suggest cutting out the “my janitor.”
I’m just going to say this directly, as a janitor who cleans classrooms. I am no one’s janitor. I am employed by a school district. My salary is worked out through the annual budget, which comes from taxpayers. I am in a union; I pay a union due, and they do work on my behalf. I clean classrooms that are, spaces owned (in a way) by teachers and utilized by students. I do not work for teachers. If teachers have a problem with my work, they could go to the principal and/or my direct supervisor. The reason she is “my” supervisor is because, ideally, she has our collective best interests in mind. And because she is above me, on the power scale, and it is therefore obviously not actually owned by me. It is more appropriate. “My boss.” “My professor.” “My doctor.” “My therapist.” These are common and straightforward. “My busboy.” “My waitress.” “My maid.” “My landscaper.” This is a different story; this is slippery. Watch your step.
Sincerely,
Not Your Janitor
Ruling with elf wisdom
Posted: May 6, 2014 Filed under: coming out, name change | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, media, names, non-binary, pen names, queer, trans, transgender 20 CommentsThe term, “ruling with elf wisdom” is linked to the names, “Aubrey” (f) and “Avery” (m/f). They are of English origin. In the case of Avery, the meaning is derived from the Old English words aelf, meaning elf, and raed, meaning counsel. What does this mean exactly? Elves have made appearances throughout time in different cultures’ storytelling and mythology, most notably Germanic and Norse mythology (which may be the basis for today’s understanding of elves as helpers to Santa Claus, of the North Pole.) Not to mention Tolkein’s imaginings. According to Wikia, a website for fandom,
“The elves were originally imagined as a race of minor nature and fertility gods, who are often pictured as youthful-seeming men and women of great beauty, living in forests and underground places, like caves, or in wells and springs. They have been portrayed to be long-lived or immortal and as beings of magical powers. In Norse paganism, Light elves were beautiful creatures and were considered to be ‘guardian angels.’ Light elves were minor gods of nature and fertility; they could help or hinder, humans with their knowledge of magical powers. They also often delivered an inspiration to art or music.”
In contrast,
“The Dark Elves hated the sun and it’s sunlight, because if they were touched or exposed to it they would immediately turn into stone. They use to annoy and threaten humans, to the point that nightmares were thought to be produced by the Dark Elves.These elves could also haunt animals, especially horses. They are also known as dwarfs. “
Elves are known to be playful, mischievous, and flighty, yet loyal and duty-bound. So, to rule with this wisdom can only be a good thing! To “rule with dwarf wisdom,” if there were such a thing, might be something else entirely.
__________________________________________
I have not heard any follow-ups from the Washington Post reporter in over a week, so I’m assuming she went with someone else. I’m kinda bummed – it felt like it would have been a good personal challenge. Maybe I’ll have more opportunities to talk with more people in the future… I’ll share the link to the story as soon as I come across it.
Having the chance to talk with her via phone and then to think about the potential of her coming here to hang out with me as I live my life definitely made some specific types of thoughts more pronounced, for many many days in a row. Mainly, what do I want to share with others, and what feels too vulnerable? Hypothetically, to what extent would I choose to be anonymous? These questions have been on my mind quite a bit for a while, but suddenly it felt like I might need to make some definitive choices. And even though the pressure’s off on those decisions, I’m still pressing myself about it, at least some of it. I finally decided to settle on a new name.
The name situation has been a thing I haven’t directly addressed but have thought about for roughly 10+ years (like a lot of particulars about my gender identity). I do not like to go by my legal name, or the name I used growing up. Somewhere in my mid-twenties, I skewed it slightly, and that started to stick – almost everyone knows me by this slightly masculinized version of a pretty feminine name. But ultimately, it’s not what I want. I’ve toyed with the idea (off-and-on) of going by a male name. The biggest contenders were Adam (this is my drag persona) and Konrad (just because I like it).
But, I have to admit that ultimately, it would be too hard for me to request a name like that if I’m not ever going to be appearing definitively male. I wish it were no big thing. And to many people, I imagine it wouldn’t be, and they’d easily make the switch. Just… it would be too awkward for me. I already know.
Ideally, I’ve wanted to go by a name that is right in the middle of androgyny. I mean, a lot of names can be male or female names, but usually, they’re much more commonly used for one over the other.
I talked to my partner about a potential new name about a week ago. This is a conversation we’ve had at other points in time, for sure. But it was always more whimsical – sort of like, what if?… This time it was more like, OK, I really need to pick now. I have this piece of writing I want to submit to our local LGBT literary magazine, and it’s due in 3 days, and I need a pen name!
That ended up being pretty tense; note to self – don’t try to rush these kinds of decisions. Haha. But we got through it; she helped me come to a name that I’m going to start using ASAP as a pen name. Avery. And if I still like it, I’ll start using it more and more online, and then if I’m still liking it, the big switch to real life (which I envision will involve legally changing it as well.) But all that feels pretty scary, so for now, it’s just a pen name.
“Avery” definitely seems androgynous to me – maybe skewed more to masculine, but feels like either, for sure. I looked up the origin / what it means, and that pretty much sealed the deal. A few websites confirmed, “the name literally means, ‘ruling with elf wisdom.'”
Not sure if I could find a better fit!!!
I am a known elf.
I rule all.
If you picked out your name, how did you come to it / narrow it down???
more evidence
never not an elf.
Recent instances of passing
Posted: April 29, 2014 Filed under: Passing | Tags: androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, passing, queer, trans, transgender 15 CommentsSome trans* people strongly dislike the notion of “passing,” because it implies a deception is taking place. They’re not passing as male/female, they just are male/female, whether others see them as such or not. I definitely respect and appreciate this viewpoint; for me personally though, I embrace “passing.” I relish the times I pass as male because although I don’t feel myself to be male, exactly, it feels awesome and validating when that’s what others see. If this were to happen 100% of the time or even 18% of the time, it’d start to feel disorienting, alarming even. But when it happens on occasion, it’s one of my favorite things ever!
It happened three times in the past two weeks. And, it was not only thrilling, but totally unexpected and unprecedented. Because in the past, I’ve passed at a distance, or with kids, or maybe with people who are much much older than me, or I pass until I start speaking, etc. But two out of three of these recent occasions, I was fully interacting with someone roughly my age (meaning: making eye contact, conversing, spending more than a couple seconds in their presence). I’m not sure if this has ever happened to me before, or if it has, it’s been a long time.
Makes me think that testosterone is doing something very subtly, above and beyond appearance. Like an aura or an energy or something that can be sensed by others. Because I look the same as I always have; I sound the same. The only thing I can think is that my shoulders might be slightly more filled out now; I might have a little bit of a different stance because of that. Ultimately, if it’s an either/or, in my opinion, I think I look female, and I love it when people think otherwise!
At Work: It was spring break, so the building was almost empty except for my co-workers and me. We were eating lunch, and my co-worker saw through the window that UPS had just pulled up, so I went down to receive and sign for the packages (usually administrative assistants would do that.) I let him into the office, talked to him about how everyone’s on vacation, small talk like that, etc. I signed his form, and he said, “Thank you, sir!.” I said, “You’re welcome.” And walked away, beaming.
At The Mall: My partner and I never go to the mall. Seriously. We have been together for 7 years and have been to a mall together once before, in that time. (Oh wait, no, twice. We went mini-golfing in a mall for a friend’s birthday.) In addition, I have been to a mall one time by myself in that time. We really had to go to the Apple store though because she finally upgraded to a smart phone, and then proceeded to smash the screen by dropping it on a concrete floor. Her protective case was on its way, in the mail! So we were just going to go there and see if they could do anything for her – a long shot, but might as well try… They could not do a single thing for her but they were very nice about it, as if they were her good buddy and just could not let her down, haha. We then walked out of the Apple Store and were directly confronted by a kiosk selling phone cases and a sign saying, “We fix phones here.” She asked, “how much?” It was reasonable and was only going to take 20 minutes. Seemed like a good option, so we watched the guy work his magic with teeny tiny screwdrivers with magnetic tips. He talked to us about how he’s only 22 years old and he already owns 10 of these kiosks. He’d just gotten back from Miami Beach for a entrepreneur conference, and he was on his way to Seattle. We chatted with him about phones, what there is to do for fun here, etc. I left to go find a bathroom and come right back. Then I left to sample teas at Teavana and come right back. Then I wandered away into a clothing store. My partner got her screen replaced(!!!) and when she came to get me, she told me that while I was gone, the kiosk guy asked her if I was her boyfriend! She told him “Yes.”
At the Public Market: I was looking at mushrooms when a little girl (3 years old?) turned and almost hugged my leg, thinking I was her mother. When she realized I wasn’t she startled, and then asked, “Is you a goioiol?” “What?” “Is you a goioiol?” I squatted down to her height and clarified her question, “Am I a boy or girl?” “Yeah.” “I’m a little bit of both.” She seemed to accept this.
Other recent instances in which I passed:
– Effeminate pirate orders fruity drink on party boat
– Passing as a teenager yet again
– Thirty-one year old kid working as school janitor
Off the record
Posted: April 24, 2014 Filed under: coming out | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, human interest story, interview, lgbt, lgbtq, media, non-binary, queer, reporters, trans, transgender 11 CommentsLast night, I talked “off the record” with a reporter from the Washington Post, on the phone. Completely surreal and surprisingly fulfilling. It’s ironic that just a few days ago, I wrote about a difficulty in sharing who I am with others, and then suddenly I’m talking to a big time newspaper about core beliefs and feelings, how I got to where I am, how I navigate daily life, etc.
I was at work while we talked. The phone call was scheduled ahead of time, so I just cleaned a little faster than normal so I’d have more time toward the end of my night. I kicked back at a teacher’s desk (shhhh, don’t tell) and waited for the call. I even wrote myself a pep talk on an index card so I wouldn’t psych myself out too much. It’s still in my pocket. It says, “Anything you have to say – big or small – is worthwhile and interesting. Talking to people is a huge part of her job. Let her do the work and steer things, but also give yourself space to say everything you want to say.” We ended up talking for about 35 minutes, which was starting to feel a little long. I think I was being pretty verbose (maybe even actually eloquent at times), contrary to my fears of not being able to answer clearly or not elaborating enough.
The reporter is currently talking to a lot of people who identify as non-binary. Who live in between, and how they negotiate that. She’ll be narrowing it down to one person, or a couple of people, to then go and spend time with face-to-face, get a real sense of how they go about their days. If you would like to talk to her too, you can! Let me know, and I’ll send you her email address so you can share a little about yourself first. Or, you can read more details here.
I got a good vibe from her, but I definitely have some strong reservations going on at the same time. She’s open to, and flexible with, issues of anonymity, so that’s certainly a good sign. On the other hand, I worry that even if we were to connect well and I felt understood, that wouldn’t mean the article would reflect what I think it should be saying. I’d have no control over the final product whatsoever. But, I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I could handle that. Even if I were to not feel too good about it, I could move on from there and still feel like it’s worthwhile to put myself out there and be a voice for this community. I’m getting waaaaaaay ahead of myself here though. I might not be the person they’re looking for, in the first place.
I’m just pretty proud of where I find myself these days. A year ago, for example, I wouldn’t have even comprehended doing something like this. Now I feel like it’s doable, and not nearly as nerve-racking as I’d imagined.
Thanks to Micah for telling me about this opportunity! You keep opening up doors to new possibilities!
While I was “out,” part 3 – coming back
Posted: April 21, 2014 Filed under: coming out | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, trans, transgender 5 CommentsThis is the last part (for now) on the topic of being “out.” It was starting to get really long, which is why I broke it up into segments.
Part 1 is about how language has changed over just a short time.
Part 2 is about feeling disconnected from the LGBT community.
This is more about how I’m finding my way back. How was I involved in the LGBT community before it started feeling overwhelming? Mostly, I was connecting on personal levels with people, whether that was through a group (for example, I was in a gender identity group therapy dynamic from 2004-2006), at conferences (I went to a handful between 2004 and 2006), or just hanging out one-on-one and talking about difficult stuff. I did an AIDS walk, I volunteered for the local LGBT film festival, things like that.
In my late-teens / early-twenties, I would say I was only partly out of the closet, while being very involved in the community, because I was not specifically hiding anything, but I wasn’t vocal in the least, either. It’s easy to not really talk about who you are when you rarely talk at all to begin with. And this, specifically, is what I’ve been working on, because my ultimate goal is to feel comfortable as a social person. I don’t talk much at all, on a daily basis. I have a handful of people who I talk to a lot, (just ask my partner!) and beyond that, I don’t talk to people – not about the weather, not about myself, not about local news, etc. I am slowly, slowly, trying to change this.
So when I say I want to come out, what I mean is that I want to be comfortable talking to any and everyone, to varying degrees, about my life, about what I’m doing, and about my take on who I am. I’m a pro at hearing all about this stuff from everyone else, but I have a ways to go. I want to stop filtering. I want to be able to just casually say, “My partner and I did _____ this weekend.” And actually use her name and her pronouns. In more advanced situations, I want to include more about my gender identity. I started to come out to some family members recently, but there’s a whole lot more to do.
All along, there’s been one way I’ve always been “out,” and that’s been through my appearance. I never compromise on that; not while growing up (and I was fortunate to have parents who didn’t meddle too much), and certainly not now. I appear how I want to appear. I wear what I want to wear. And people can come to assumptions easily based on that. The assumptions are probably pretty far off from how I actually identify, but I can live with that. It’s much better than feeling uncomfortable with how I look. In retrospect, I think that the fact I’ve been so uncomfortable in my body is the reason why I’ve always given myself a lot of leeway on the things I can control: clothing, shoes, accessories, hairstyles. Essentially: gender presentation. I have rarely cared what others think, in terms of the way I look. And I’ve been fortunate to have never gotten too much flak about it (or, perhaps, I’ve been oblivious…)
Why do I want to come back to the LGBT (specifically the T) community? Some of the reasons are selfish. I started testosterone, and the community now feels more relevant to my life again. But another way to phrase that exact same notion would be, “I’ve finally found where I belong, in a positive way, and it’s within the trans* community. Now that I’ve gotten through the bulk of the personal struggles, I want to give back.” I’m not sure how, exactly, yet, but some pretty safe bets would be:
– through writing
– through connecting personally with others
– through local community involvement
-And specifically, one day, I’d like to present at conferences and/or be a gender identity youth coordinator. We’ll see…
While I was “out,” Part 2 – partly out of the closet, fully out of the loop
Posted: April 17, 2014 Filed under: coming out | Tags: anxiety, coming out, depression, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, mental health, non-binary, queer, testosterone, therapy, trans, transgender 1 CommentFor roughly 6 years, I was living sort of as the person I envisioned myself to be. Prior to that, I’d gone through a bunch of intense periods of introspection (or maybe one really long period of continuous introspection is more like it), trying to find myself and how I identify.
By my mid-twenties, I had just kind of given up and said, “Good enough.” Tried to move on and live my life as best I could. (That doesn’t mean I stopped being introspective. It just means I tried to have a life despite that.) That life involved disconnecting from most things that were causing me too much stress and anxiety. The LGBT community was definitely on that list, but at the time, I would have shrugged it off and told you, “it’s not that important to me.”
The LGBT community kept sending me this, and I just kept ignoring them, because the details were always left blank.
The break-up was never about interpersonal drama or ideological disagreements. (Although, I did feel some of that. I strongly feel that a facilitator / leader can really make or break a group.) I broke away because it felt too sensitive to be in touch with what was going on, and to connect with others on this identity-based level
I didn’t stop being an activist / contributor, but I did stop focusing on things that hit too close to home. I immersed myself in endeavors such as Food Not Bombs, our local Free School, and benefits to raise money for a particular community space, Indymedia, etc. I overextended myself way past the point of burn-out. I’ve taken huge steps back. I’m currently at a precipice, figuring out what to throw my energies into next, and how to do it differently.
I was not very happy, but I had resigned myself to thinking that this is just how things are for me. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. My anxiety levels were so high, on a normal day, on every normal day. I self-injured and shut-down (dissociated) regularly, just to cope with daily life. I forced myself to do so many things, all the time, out of fear of sinking into yet another depression. I was hyper-vigilant of my internal states and tried to regulate all my emotions – squish and squelch them, twist them into something else and rationalize them away. I was aware that I was capable of having a sex drive, but it was so far gone I didn’t have the slightest idea of how to coax it back. (And I really wanted it back.)
It’s not like my life was super stressful! I work as a janitor. I don’t have any dependents. I don’t have money concerns, health concerns, family drama, nothing! Haha.
I just did not want to worry any more about gender! I had a huge amount of body dysphoria. I felt totally lost a lot of the time. But it wasn’t going to be about gender. It was going to be about any number of other things. Because, bottom-line, trying to figure out if I should transition or not was stressing the hell out of me, for years and years and years. I did go through a (fortunately unsuccessful) time period where I said, OK, this is about gender. And I found a therapist to talk about that, specifically. (I was probably 28 at this point.) I thought I was headed on a neat and tidy (and difficult) path to finally sort this all out and probably start testosterone and transition into a visible man. Except, I never wanted to be a man. It’s just that I had backed myself into a corner, and this was my escape plan. But there was no way that could have worked; I knew myself too well. I never ended up connecting with the therapist, I never even convinced myself to begin with, and the whole plan just stalled out.
(This kinda ends abruptly, but part 3 will be coming soon. If you’re interested, here is part 1.)
While I was “out,” Pt. 1 – trans* related linguistics
Posted: April 10, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: big data, community, culture, gender identity, genderqueer, language, lgbt, lgbtq, linguistics, non-binary, pronouns, queer, trans, transgender 12 CommentsI’ve been out of the office (and by office, I mean table in the dining room) quite a bit lately because I’ve been working a series of 12 hour shifts at my real job – filling in for my supervisor plus doing my own work. But that’s not really what I’m writing about right now…
For a few years, I was very much disconnected from the trans* community, and I’ve been recently back in some big ways (online at least… for now). Where was I from roughly 2007-2013? Why was I not involved? How was I involved before that time period? Why did I decide to come back? These questions are basically teasers for right now. I’ll be elaborating on all of that in the near future, but in this moment, I want to focus on some things that have changed in that short time period, linguistically speaking.
When I started to dip my toes back in the water, I started at LiveJournal, a space I’m familiar with and had been an active contributor in the past. I joined a group that’s all about non-binary identities but was quickly confused by a bunch of phrases and acronyms I’d never encountered before. I had no idea what AFAB/AMAB, FAAB/MAAB, DFAB/DMAB, CAFAB/CAMAB* stood for, or why there was an asterisk now attached to the word “trans*.” The most commonly used gender-neutral pronouns, last I was aware, were “ze/hir/hirs.” In fact, I hadn’t even heard of any others, not even “they/them/their.” !!! I’d never come across the honorific, “Mx.” I had not heard of the terms “neutrios,” “agender,” or “bigender,” although these were easy enough to figure out. In fact, in the past, I had identified (and I still identify) as genderqueer, but at the time, I strongly wished there was a better word (and maybe it was there, all along – I just wasn’t aware of it). I would have definitely identified as “agender” or “neutrois” if I’d been familiar with those words then. Now, not quite so much.
(I’m getting bogged down by trying to link everything! Here is an additional good resource, and I’ll just leave it at that. Nonbinary.org The internet is, you know, pretty search friendly anyway. You can do the work yourself, haha.)
Coincidentally, I came across a book at the library last week, called Uncharted: Big Data as a Lens on Human Culture. I’m only 36 pages in, but it’s already one of the most interesting books I’ve EVER read. Highly recommend! (If you’re into quantifying things and looking at social trends.) Basically, the authors teamed up with Google and created this website. Google has been digitizing over 30 million books over the past 10 years, and they’re just getting started. What that provides (among many things), is a database for how frequently words and phrases are used within languages and over great spans of time. And these guys came up with a search engine lens to chart this stuff. I decided to see what a graph would look like between 1980 and now (it cut me off at 2008, unfortunately) for the phrases “female-bodied” vs. “FAAB” vs. “AFAB.” It looks like this:
(You can click on it for a clearer image)
What does this all mean? Well, it means we can look at how words and phrases shift over time. (We can also see how infrequently these words/phrases are used, but that’s beside the point, a little bit…) It’s incredibly exciting to me that I could have been out of the loop for roughly 6 years – a very short time, relatively speaking – and when I came back to these dialogues, there was a bunch of new terms I’d never heard of! The trans* umbrella is an amazingly rich and dynamic area of changing identities, linguistics, politics, health initiatives, etc. It feels like there are endless things for me to write about and stay up to date with! Let’s continue discovering…
________________________________________________
*What do all these acronyms stand for?!! Well! here is the long string: Assigned female at birth / Assigned male at birth, Female assigned at birth / Male assigned at birth, Designated female at birth / Designated male at birth, Coercively assigned female at birth / Coercively assigned male at birth. These terms are gaining traction over “Female-bodied, Male-bodied,” which was previously the dominant way to describe someone’s birth sex, I believe…
janitorqueer 