Thoughts about this “3 fictional characters” meme
Posted: September 26, 2016 Filed under: coming out | Tags: androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, media, meme, non-binary, queer, representation, trans, transgender 8 CommentsHave you seen this thing going around right now? Where someone distills certain qualities of their personality and culls different characters from popular media to illustrate what they’re all about? (Or, they just relate with certain characters, or they meant a lot at a certain point in growing up, etc. …)
It was a fun mental exercise while I was working last Friday – I started thinking about what if I participated? The first thought felt like a no-brainer: Ziggy Stardust!! Androgynous, flamboyant, theatrical, other-worldly… Over the weekend, my spouse suggested Ed Wood (who actually was a real person, but seems like such a caricature in the film by Tim Burton) or Edward Scissorhands, both of whom seemed like they could fit. My super-close friend once compared me to Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle, so that also crossed my mind.
But I was thinking, I would like to pick someone who is openly non-binary. And I was stumped. I though and thought and thought some more. I started to feel like, OK, well if not non-binary, then at least gender-ambiguous. The character of Sally from Third Rock From the Sun came to mind. I loved that show as a teenager. The four main characters are aliens who inhabit the bodies of a “family” in order to study Earthlings. Sally is a macho military-type stuck in the body of a feminine model-type. Humor ensues. But then I honed in on Harry, the “uncle”? who is forever clueless. Which, might not be apparent from this blog, but if you knew me in real life, you’d realize that a lot of times, I just don’t get it. Like, seriously. I do not get it.
So, yeah, Harry stuck out (and plus he wore an awesome jacket a lot of the time, in the show). But I was still stumped on the gender-identity aspect of who I am. So, I decided to subvert it, and came up with this:
It’s not all grim though: there is representation out there. It’s just super obscure, at this point. And I have great hopes for the (nearish) future.
For now though, here’s an extremely, incredibly thorough bibliography of all things non-binary, created by Charlie McNabb, maybe about a year or so ago. This document is in-process: you can suggest edits and new entries!
Nonbinary Gender Identities in Media: An Annotated Bibliography
The most well known entries I could spot were:
– Pat, from Saturday Night Live, 1990-1994. Bleccccchhhhhhhh!!!
– A character from the film, Shortbus, 2006. I need to see this film again; it’s been too long!
– A Star Trek episode from 1992. From Charlie’s archives: “The Enterprise encounters a humanoid race called J’naii that is androgynous. Riker becomes close with J’naii pilot Soren, who reveals that she identifies as female, but is closeted because her people think that gender is a perversion. When their affair is discovered, Soren is forced to undergo “psychotectic therapy” to convert her to theproper genderless state. Although this episode is an allegory for gay rights, the gender neutrality is interesting and rare for the time.” I need to seek this out, just for this plot line!!!
Anybody got any other examples out there?!?
3 super-short stories
Posted: September 12, 2016 Filed under: coming out, Writing | Tags: androgyny, bras, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, trans, transgender, trash, work, writing 8 CommentsContent note: crassness, body humor
1: “We’re Trendy”
My spouse and I were at a bar on the beach with another couple a few weeks ago. My friend (who is also trans) and I went to go get us some drinks. It was packed inside, and we had to squeeze past a long line for the bathrooms to get to the bar. On our way back with the beers, as we were squeezing by again, a woman was saying, “Hell, with this line, I could just go into the men’s room. You know, like transgenders. That trendy right now.” And, without really seeing her or stopping or anything, not missing a beat, I said, semi-loudly, “We’re trendy.” My friend repeated, “Yeah, we’re trendy.” According to my friend in the re-telling, she had a taken aback type reaction, but I didn’t see it; I just kept walking.
_________________________________________
2. “Nearly A”
Last night on our way to go brush our teeth, my spouse looked in on our guest room / my gigantic clothes pile. There was a bra on top of one clothing mound, and she picked it up and said, “What is this?!!” I told her it’s a bra. She kept it coming with the, “Why do you have this?” and “Where did this come from,” etc. And I said it was mine and I was saving it for if I ever wanted to dress up like a girl.
“This is so tiny; it’s a training bra,” she said.
“No it isn’t! This was my bra!!!” (I was being mock angry.)
I started fumbling with it in my hand, looking for a tag so I could prove to her it was a bra. It was kind of curled up, so I unrolled it and showed it to her.
It had a model number, and then it said, “SIZE: Nearly A.”
We both burst out laughing.
____________________________________________
3. “A Bag of Dicks”
Today, I was filling in for my supervisor, so I was working the day shift. The principal wanted me to clean up the front of the school, pick up sticks and garbage, sweep the walkway, stuff like that. So I did that for about an hour and a half before I decided that was good enough. I took the bag of trash around back to the dumpster, and as I passed the cardboard dumpster, I noticed a feminine looking backpack, a style that seemed older than elementary school age kids, just perched on top of cardboard boxes, at the perfect height where it was right where those side slide-y doors open. I flipped the flap of the bag, because I’m that kind of curious, and with just a glance, I realized that it was filled with dildos and vibrators, of all sizes and shapes, all of them different shades of pink. I quickly put the flap back and walked inside, mulling this over.
I texted my spouse:
“There is a bag of dicks in the cardboard dumpster today.”
“Haha, what?!” and then later, “What were the bag of dicks?! Haha”
“Like, literally! i took a pic on my crappy phone but didn’t turn out great cuz i wasn’t gonna touch them”
“Haha, why did the school have those?!”
“Someone swung by for a secret dump”
I then texted my co-worker, who was going to be at the school within the next half hour:
“There’s a bag of dicks in the cardboard dumpster.”
“????”
I just left him hanging until he got to work (I also texted some friends about the bag of dicks). Then, since this was one of the most exciting things that’s ever happened at work, I brought him right out to show him. He was pretty surprised, but I do get the sense he’s seen lots of weird stuff in his time. He asked me if I told anyone about it and what should we do? I said, “No!” Just my spouse, and I was gonna just dump it in the actual dumpster, not the cardboard one. But, like, maybe a little later (cause I was pretty sure he was going to investigate on his own). Sure enough, later on he approached me, and told me that he did a little digging and there were some latex gloves in there too and gym socks and also a gift card for Subway. Haha. He said, “fly your freak flag” a number of times. I felt a little more emboldened next time I went to throw out trash, and rooted around in the bag with my gloves on before throwing it into the trash dumpster. Yep, lots of dicks in there.
Summer of t-shirts #5-7 / Band t-shirts
Posted: August 23, 2016 Filed under: t-shirts, top surgery | Tags: androgyny, fashion, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, music, non-binary, queer, style, t-shirts, trans, transgender, vintage 2 CommentsI’ve been busting out some of my oldest t-shirts this summer; some of them I haven’t even looked at in years – I have them stored in a box. Others I see, but don’t touch, every day – they are on a hanger, on the wall, like fine art. After having top surgery earlier this summer, I have been getting to know my collection again. And, it includes some really old gems, including band t-shirts from the 1980s.
Like this one:
The Police, from the Synchronicity time period
This was taken 10 years ago, as part of a drag photo shoot. It was most likely the last time I wore the shirt. I can wear it again, now, if I want! Although, maybe I better keep it in nice condition – I found the same shirt, in a muscle-t style, selling online for $71.82. And my other The Police t-shirt (not pictured) is selling for $134.23.
I got this shirt for $5. There is this amazing local record store that has tons of gems, but it’s really hard to locate anything. The store is a mess, but in the 1990s, it was even worse. There was literally a mountain of t-shirts, starting from on the floor in a space that may have been about 8ft by 8ft – it was sectioned off by railings, like a bull pen. You would walk onto shirts and just start digging. I found this, plus these shirts, and more (another The Police, Echo and the Bunnymen, David Bowie…):
The Honeydrippers
The Clash
They were all $5. In the early 2000s, I went back to uncover more treasures, and I was horrified to find that they were all organized neatly on racks and hangers, alphabetically. And none were under $20. Suddenly. And I would have probably bought more at that price, but it looked like it had been picked through extensively. I couldn’t find any I’d actually want to wear or display. Bummer. I guess the influence of online selling had swept in, and cleaned up this mess. For the worse. Still, I am glad I was able to get a piece of it while it lasted.
P.S. The Honeydrippers were a band from 1981-1985, formed by Led Zeppelin lead singer, Robert Plant. It was kind of a part of that resurgence of 50s style music, in the 80s. Other memebers included Jimmy Paige, Jeff Beck, Paul Shaffer, Brian Setzer, and a bunch of others. They only recorded one EP.
This post is part of a series. Here are the previous ones:
Summer of t-shirts #4 / Transgender Trailblazers
Summer of t-shirts #3 / Back to work
Summer of t-shirts #2 / How to fold a shirt
1 month after top surgery / Summer of t-shirts #1
Happy pride weekend, and The People
Posted: July 19, 2016 Filed under: coming out | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, parade, pride, pride parade, queer, trans, transgender 2 CommentsJust like in past years, I know I’m behind on the pride-related post, but this really is when our city celebrates pride. This year’s theme was “Let’s Make Magic.” My partner and I took that concept and twisted and twirled it to suit us. She has a wand that a friend made, and she has lots of fun black clothes. She also has badass sword earrings and newish leg tattoos. I have this zebra print cowboy hat that I’ve worn a lot for drag performances, and recently it’s acquired a white plastic flower, but I don’t know from when or where. I also had an idea for a magic trick. Here’s some pictured from right before we biked to get down to the parade:
This year, we started out earlier than usual, and went to a friend’s house for a brunch party ahead of time. Three of them were wearing black matching short-shorts in overall form, with nothing underneath, plus loads of glitter and spray paint and face makeup. They had made incredible puppet-like creations to carry, and they planned to watch the parade and then jump in at the end. That sounded fun! But my spouse and I also wanted to march with her employer (a food co-op), like we had done last year. So we split our time half and half: after the party we went to find her group, and we did half of the parade with them. I handed out 300 coupons for $5 off a $25 dollar purchase. I love handing things out!
Then about half-way through, we jumped out and walked back to where our rouge group of friends were watching. Every time a dog walked by, a bunch of them would go pet him/her. And every time there was a gap in the parade, they’d all walk into the road to fill the space until the next group caught up. Once the last group passed by, they jumped in and started chanting, “The People, The People…” and urging other spectators to jump in and join. A lot of people did! The mass got larger and larger until we reached the end and people started dispersing. It was a blast! Usually in the parade, I’m with a small group, and it was really great to just get swept up in this energy.
Afterward, we decided not to go to the festival because of the admission cost and crowds. We met up with some of my spouses co-workers for pizza and beer. The following day though, we actually attended the picnic, which I haven’t done since I was a teenager, because we wanted to catch up with some friends. It was low-key. We saw some drag performances, which do not quite translate into a mostly sober, middle-of-the-day, middle-of-a-field environment. Haha.
This may have been the most fun I’ve had during pride in years. I think because we were with different people, throughout the weekend, and just because I was less stressed and anxious. With less anxiety, there’s more potential for fun! I love it! (Also, we were having a lot of fun with our costumes!!!
Here are some past posts about Pride:
Happy pride weekend, and BRAWL
Happy pride weekend
Summer of t-shirts #2 / How to fold a shirt
Posted: July 5, 2016 Filed under: t-shirts | Tags: androgyny, fashion, genderqueer, Kodak, lgbtq, pride, pride parade, queer, t-shirts, top surgery, transgender, vintage 2 Comments
I got this gem at a thrift store in 2000 or 2001. Back when you could still get old t-shirts for $2. I remember especially liking it because I never really thought that Kodak was known for their batteries. As if this t-shirt was an announcement to remind people that they should buy the batteries too, while they’re at it. I haven’t worn this in years, but I wore it all the time in college. I actually had it in a box of shirts I wanted to keep but were no longer in rotation. It’s coming back into rotation now, full force! Although, there is a hole in it, and it is one of the delicate ones that are getting pretty threadbare. So, we’ll see.
Oh, I also wore it in the pride parade in 2006, because I was going for every rainbow color in my outfit, and this fit the bill. Now I’m noticing some colors are more prominent than others: I could have been marching for McDonalds! (And Kodak, of course. …In 2006, the company was giving it’s best shot in the production of digital cameras, but by 2012 it filed for bankruptcy and phased out of that market. It’s still hanging in there in the printing and imaging fields, and it does still produce certain types of specialty film. I couldn’t find anything on the Kodak wikipedia page about batteries though!)
drag buddy and me
please note mismatched Converse – one green, one purple
I’m realizing that I need to change the way I fold my shirts. They all have a crease down the middle (see top photo) that I need to get rid of, by learning how to do it like a pro. There are a bunch of videos on how to accomplish this in 2 seconds, like this:
I tried it a few years ago, but never got the hang of it. I feel a lot more motivated now though. It’s going to be fun to learn.
(One note about the upcoming week starting tomorrow – my spouse and I will be on vacation in MA and NH – I’ll be away from the internet. I love not going on the internet for long spans of time, but I will miss staying up-to-date with blogs!)
This post is part of a series about my t-shirt collection – now that I’ve had top surgery, I can wear them all again, all the time!
For more posts in this series (so far), see:
1 month after top surgery / Summer of t-shirts #1
1 month after top surgery / Summer of t-shirts #1
Posted: July 1, 2016 Filed under: t-shirts, top surgery | Tags: androgyny, fashion, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, t-shirts, trans, transgender, vintage 14 CommentsYesterday, I went out in a t-shirt, without the ace wrap I’ve been wearing for 3 weeks, for the first time! It felt seriously amazing. (I still have sterile pads over my nipples because they are still sloughing off gross stuff, so it’s going to get even better, once that’s over!) I don’t know when I last wore just a t-shirt, out – 10 years ago? 12 years ago? Sometime in there, before I started feeling overly-self-conscious about my chest.
I had my 1 month appointment via Skype, with the physician’s assistant, and it went pretty much how I imagined it would. I focused mostly on what to do to continue healing, which is going slowly, and also to change my return-to-work date. Whenever I brought up a concern about an aspect of the appearance, I was told, “Right now it is ______; in _____ amount of months, it will be healed nicely. Your final results won’t be visible until a year from surgery.” It felt like I was being fed stock answers. I can live with that for now, but I doubt things are going to change enough for it to actually look good. I’m not happy with the results. Some of it seems like no big deal – it can be fixed. One thing though does have me worried: it seems to me that some muscle may actually have been taken out, along an axis crossing through the nipple, on the right side.
I’ll just continue to document the changes or lack thereof. Such as: neither areola is actually a circle. I’m being told that they will change into circles. I highly doubt that. I’m concerned that down the road, it’s going to be a struggle to get anyone connected to this surgeon to acknowledge that I might need revisions. If that’s the case, I envision myself getting opinions from other surgeons, and going from there…
All this is far away though. Right now, I’m enjoying focusing what I am happy about: wearing t-shirts!!! This was the number one thing I was looking forward to. I’m thinking I’ll start a short series where I write about some of my favorite t-shirts. Here’s one (this is the one I wore out, yesterday):
It says, “MUSIC LIVES ON TDK.”
I have found that to be true – most of the blank tapes I’ve gotten to make mix tapes have happened to be TDK! I found this at a thrift store about 12 years ago. I used to wear it a lot, under flannels and hoodies. Nowadays I rarely wear it, not because I stopped liking it, but because it started to get pretty threadbare, and I don’t want to wear it out. I have a couple of t-shirts like that – I love them and have worn them too much and now I don’t really get to wear them. (Largely because they were worn so much before I got them, too. I’d guess this shirt is at least 30 years old.) It is 50/50 (so soft!), which is way better than 100% cotton, in my opinion, but I wonder if that contributes to it not holding up so well. Also, it is a size large, which always gets to me with vintage clothing, because people used to be so much smaller back then?!? I am a present-day small.
I just did a google search for this t-shirt, and found one on etsy selling for $146.06 Canadian dollars, which is currently $113.34 US dollars. Dang! That’s a keeper.
Oregon recognizes legal non-binary status
Posted: June 13, 2016 Filed under: coming out | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender, genderqueer, legal gender change, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, trans, transgender 3 CommentsOn June 10th, there was one small victory for the LGBTQ+ community and allies: A trans-person named Jamie Shupe filed a petition for a gender change in April, in Portland, Oregon, and they were finally in court in front of a judge on Friday. Their attorney, Lake J. Perriguey, has stated, “Oregon law has allowed for people to petition a court for a gender change for years, but the law doesn’t specify that it has to be either male or female. The law just says, ‘change.’ Historically, people have asked for a gender change from male to female and the other way around, but Jamie is the first to ask for the gender of ‘non-binary.'”
This is the first time this has had a successful outcome in the United States. I’d be curious to know whether others have tried before, in other states?
According to the New York Times, the judge, Amy Holmes Hehn, told Mr. Perriguey that he was “pushing the envelope.” And the attorney’s response was, “We’re not, really. The envelope just needs to get bigger.” I love that! The full article can be found here: Oregon Court Allows a Person to Choose Neither Sex. I am psyched. I feel that, within my lifetime, I will be able to do this too.
Another cool thing: A few months ago, The New York Times started an ongoing project where trans-people could share their own stories, in their own words. (I participated in this too. Here’s what I wrote: Kameron.) You can still share your story too: Share Your Story.
Jamie wrote, among other things, about their experiences in the military, all the discrimination they faced, and that although they legally changed their gender and name, the military would not change their ID card. “After a bad experience in the ER of having a female patient bracelet cut off and replaced with a male bracelet that had my old name in front of a room full of people, I asked the Army for a new ID card, and for my gender to be changed in their DEERS computer system. The Army responded with demands that I have unwanted SRS surgery, and that my spouse of 27 years relinquish her military benefits.”
Read the rest of their story here: Jamie Shupe. (At the time of the story, they identified as female.)
6 days post top surgery
Posted: June 7, 2016 Filed under: top surgery, Uncategorized | Tags: androgyny, anxiety, emotions, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, mental health, non-binary, queer, top surgery, trans, transgender 22 CommentsGoing into surgery, I was in pretty rough shape. I felt sick (although I didn’t want to say so, specifically, to anyone other than my spouse… I kept saying “slight head cold”) and exhausted. Luckily, my cold symptoms were not too worrisome, medically: no fever, no chest congestion / trouble breathing. Other than the cold, I felt mentally prepared. In retrospect, I totally was. But, not so much prepared for the recovery process…
office/home/guest rooms mansion
Surgery Day: We arrived at 6:15am, surgery was from 7:30-9am, I was sleeping till about 10:30, and we were leaving by 11:30. At which point, I felt a lot better than I had for days – it even felt like my cold magically disappeared.
Everything went smoothly, except for the fact that the surgeon was about to do the wrong procedure. I was afraid this was the case because during the entire process including the consultation, the paperwork continually listed “double incision mastectomy with free nipple grafts.” Even after I called a month ago to verify we were on the same page with the peri-areolar procedure and was assured that we were. So when she came in and said, “Double incision.” I said no, and luckily wasn’t phased by the mix up. She said peri-areolar, I said yes, and she drew circles around my areolas. I talked to her about nipple size, saying I wanted them small. She said, “They’ll be smaller. Your nipples will be nipple-sized.” That was not very reassuring, but after she left, and before the anesthesiologist came back around, my spouse clarified that she had said, “your nipples will be nickle-sized.” That sounded better.
If you want to read a more detailed account of what it’s like, here’s a good one someone wrote just a few days ago: Surgery. It was a lot like that. Back at the guest room, we texted with some people, a Philly friend came and visited for a while, we watched Seinfeld, and we went to sleep early. I was up a lot that night, ravenously eating snacks and just not able to get comfortable. I was sleeping sitting up, at the foot of the bed, a lot.
Day after surgery – The next day, we were driving home. And I was in bed by 6pm. My cold symptoms were back, and I was not feeling so good anymore. I’ll bet that first day, I had a good mix of adrenaline and endorphins flowing, plus whatever they put in the IV. And then I crash.
2 days after surgery – I sat outside for a while. A friend came over, and we chatted for about 30 minutes before my spouse and they went thrift shopping. We listened to some podcasts. I read a book about subway art, written in 1984, a book I had found in the trash at school. We watched 2 episodes of Mad Men.
Drinking water. Feeling pretty good.
Drinking water. (I did not plan on wearing this Hawaiian shirt. Turns out I don’t have that many short sleeved button down shirts that will comfortably fit over the drains!)
3 days – Podcasts, Mad Men. I stopped taking the pain meds (Percocet) because they were causing OIC (opioid induced constipation). The pain increased throughout the day, but it’s not like Percocet was all that effective anyway. We went to my spouse’s parents’ house, which did not go so well (I could not bear being social, especially once a family friend came by – I just went and sat outside.) We went to the grocery store on the way home – that was OK.
4 days – Glad to be off Percocet – realized that there are other pain meds (D’uh!) so I took an Alieve. I feel like 95% of the pain now is due to this fucking surgical wrap I have to wear for 7 days. I can only take shallow breaths; I can’t laugh or yawn or cough; it’s digging into my ribs and underarms; it’s way too tight; it just fucking sucks*. There’s a reason I didn’t bind! We went to the movies – nice to get out of the house. Also, one of our cats got suddenly freaked out by my Frankenstein walk (even though I’ve been doing it for days), and she bolted off the table, knocking a bunch of my records onto the floor. It was loud. Also, I had a mini melt down about hating asking for things that are so basic, telling my spouse that I keep doing things because I would rather do them than ask – open and close doors, get ice trays out of the freezer, pour water from our britta, reach up high for a Q-tip, carry my laptop… I gotta stop so I don’t mess up my healing process! She was on it and strategized a bunch of new ways to make things easier!
5 days – My spouse went back to work. Our refrigerator was making a loud noise this morning and stopped working. That was stressful! I called a repair person, then changed my mind because we should just buy a new one because this thing is super old. My spouse’s mom came over to save our freezer items for us, store them at her house. Then the fridge started working again, so it feels like less pressure – we’ll still get a new one, but it doesn’t have to be today. A friend brought over lunch – I liked that! My mom stopped by after work. I felt anxious and lightheaded for a lot of the day. I was feeling really confined/claustrophobic, as if this binding thing were made of plaster of paris, or steel. I had a serious melt down (I got an all-too-real glimpse of what it could feel like, if I lost it right now – I felt in danger of becoming more and more triggered), and told my spouse we need more people around us, helping. She called her parents to make that happen. We talked and I felt a lot better.
6 days – That’s today! I only managed to sleep 3 hrs. I’ll be spending more time with people today. I’m just going to try to relax. I also gotta start preparing for going back down there tomorrow, to get this fucking binding off. Oh, and the drains. I’m going with my mom.
Overall, I’m in more pain than I thought. And I’m way less out of it than I thought (like, I didn’t get to be in a fun pain-killer induced haze, haha). And I don’t like TV that much and I’ve been up and about a lot. I hate not doing things because it reminds me of being depressed.
* Note: this may be the only time I’ve used swear words on this blog (in reference to the surgical binding). It’s that bad. Also, though, I appreciate this thing because it reminds me of where the limits are and also it’s preventing me from coughing stitches open or anything like that.
Where I’m at with coming out at work
Posted: May 10, 2016 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, school, transgender, work 5 CommentsFor years, I’ve had this idea of the path I would follow for coming out at work. First, I would tell a few people in person, including the principal and my supervisor. Then I would talk to the principal about my plan for coming out to everyone else, and make sure that it was fine by her. This plan entailed writing an email to the school requesting male pronouns and a name change. And maybe a brief explanation about how I feel about my gender. Then I would try to be alert and correct people in the moment so that the adjustment period would move along quicker. Maybe I’d actually feel closer to certain people during this process. Currently, I am far away from almost everyone.
Paths often diverge into other directions, or gradually end or loop back around. I made it through quite a few of these steps, and each time, I felt an urgency to move ahead, and relief and pride for disclosing more about myself:
A little over a year ago, I came out to the principal of my school (workplace).
Then, about 5 months ago, I cam out to the head of the kitchen.
Four months ago, I came out to my co-worker.
Most recently, about 3 months ago, I came out to my supervisor.
I thought my supervisor was the major road block. That once that was taken care of, the rest would happen quickly and effortlessly. Because it seemed to be what I had been wanting for years. I wanted to tell all these people, I thought, so that I could move on to the next stage. But now I’m starting to think differently. I’m wondering if maybe I wanted to tell these people because I actually wanted them to know this thing about me, and not just as a means to get to the next thing. Because as soon as the euphoria of telling my supervisor wore off, the urge to move forward surprisingly died down. Currently I feel no desire to follow the next step(s) in my plan.
I could speculate as to why that is: The rest of the plan is too scary, so I’m tricking myself into believing I don’t really want it. This seems unlikely because emailing the rest of the school and then replying in the moment seems totally do-able if that’s what I want. Doing that stuff is so much more hands-off, and low key, as compared to coming out to someone face-to-face, especially if you don’t know how they’ll react.
Another guess: I’m worried that people won’t understand. I haven’t legally changed my name yet, and I do not plan on changing my gender marker on legal documents. I also don’t plan on using the men’s room. (Luckily there are 3 “staff” restrooms within the school.) Will people be confused by my “partial” or “selective” transition? I’ve talked a lot about this in therapy over time, and I keep getting assured that people will take what I say at face value, and I don’t need to over-explain. I always thought about using a quip about bathrooms in my mass email: “Although I use the women’s restroom, don’t worry – I will continue to clean them all.” Or something like that. If people don’t understand that I am not transitioning into manhood, then so be it, right?
Another guess: Maybe I’ve actually reached the balance I’m looking for. Maybe I don’t actually want to be called by my new name, and male pronouns in all areas of my life because my gender is not that binary – maybe I actually need a little bit of both. This seems possible… I guess that time will tell.
Or: I am focused on my upcoming top surgery right now, that other gender-related issues are on the back burner. This might be the case. Again, time will tell.
Above all, when following any transition path, whether it’s laid out in stories in mass media, or the WPATH-SOC, or a therapist, or within each of us, it’s essential to listen to that heart/gut combination voice. Not the voice inside your head. Not the voice of peers transitioning. Not the voice of medical professionals.
Sometimes it’s like there is one roadblock in otherwise wide-open terrain
other times it’s like finding yourself suddenly where you’ve never been
sometimes it’s coming across something completely unexpected
That voice that says, “this feels right,” or “this does not feel right,” or “I’m not sure about this yet so I’m going to slow down and/or try a different path for a while.” This voice always has a simple message, and it’s always there, even if it seems buried by other, less important voices. Sometimes it’s a complex process to try and figure out what you want to do with that voice’s message, but the message itself is always simple and straightforward.
My voice unexpectedly told me that it’s not time to come out to everyone at work right now, if ever. At a time when I was sure my voice was going to say, “full speed ahead! You’re almost there!” it actually did a 180. And, although a part of me wants to just complete a task that has been on my mind for years, it is much more satisfying to listen to this voice than to check off one more thing on my transition to-do list.
Speaking of to-do lists, here’s one version of my transition to-do list, from almost 2 years ago: Gender identity related “to-do list”
There have been many, many versions of this, with lots of revisions. That’s part of what it means to be on a path…
Drag king stories #5
Posted: April 22, 2016 Filed under: Drag King, Drag King Stories | Tags: androgynous, androgyny, drag kings, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, performing, Prince, queer, trans, transgender 4 CommentsPrince was sort of an unlikely artist for me to try to emulate. I usually gravitated toward the detached, spaced out robot/alien type vibe – people like Gary Numan and Ian Curtis and Peter Murphy and David Bowie. Prince is sex, right? And, I never felt like I could pull that off. (Also, of course, he’s African American, and I’m not.) Lots of drag kings (or at least the ones I saw) exuded an overtly macho, hyper-sexualized persona. Off stage, they were laid back, just hanging out and smoking on the back patio. I just kept to myself for the most part, feeling too nervous to interact, eating pop-tarts and re-writing lyrics back stage. Incorporating jerky movements into every performance. Falling back on hacky-sack or yo-yo onstage to make things more interesting.
Years later, I was no longer performing at a gay bar – I was doing monthly shows at a community space. It was freeing and also draining. I also did occasional shows elsewhere, like a David Bowie Tribute Night at a bar that’s mainly a music venue. Someone was organizing a Tribute 2 Prince at this same bar, and I think he’d seen my David Bowie performance and thought I’d fit in well with bands doing Prince covers. I immediately agreed and started getting excited. It’s like, I would have never taken on Prince of my own volition, but when someone suggested I do it, I was game.
I probably had about 2 months to get ready, and I really took it to heart – I put a bunch of Prince songs on my iPod and listened every day at work, narrowing down good ideas, learning lyrics, just getting a sense of the breadth of his many types of music. I danced and lip-synched in front of the mirror in the bathroom at work. I started to cull songs that would work well as a medley, and also, separately, I started to have some ideas for the song, “Diamonds and Pearls.” It’s a duet (with New Power Generation member Rosie Gaines), and I had to see if I could enlist my drag king buddy to do it with me. She said sure; we did lots of practicing at her house. (We also did a photo shoot.)
I remember that I scoured thrift stores for cheap diamonds and pearls to no avail. Then, the weekend before the show, my spouse and I were in Philadelphia visiting friends and attending the Philly Trans-Health Conference. We stayed out late one night, so late that we missed our chance to take the subway back to their apartment. We had to get a cab. This is maybe one of 3 or 4 times I’ve ever been in a cab. Our friends said at a certain point, “this is fine, just drop us off here.” We opened the door, and right there, out on the curb with a bunch of junk, was a tangle of a bunch of diamond and pearl necklaces. For real. Right there. I still have them.
Around this time (this was late spring/early summer of 2012), I was sort of questioning/re-exploring my sexuality, and talking about it a lot in therapy. It kind of helped things, to throw myself into emulating Prince, at the time. After the performance, I wrote this to my therapist (amongst a lot more words, haha), “so this was by far the sexiest performance I’ve ever done, and some people were responding to that (I got gyrated on in the bathroom, some people were touching me) yet it does not translate to me feeling like I am a sexual person. It’s just a role.”
Even so, I had a blast! I did 2 sets – the medley I edited, which was “Uptown/When Doves Cry/Gett Off/D.M.S.R.,” and then “Diamonds and Pearls.” It was so fun performing with my drag buddy again, and we totally nailed it. The place was packed, and a lot of people approached me afterward to talk to me / say how much they liked it. I was Prince.
… and, from our photo shoot!
janitorqueer 