1.5 years on T without noticeable masculinizing changesPosted: September 18, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, hormones, lgbt, lgbtqia, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender 4 Comments
It’s been a year and a half! I increased my dosage of Androgel, slightly, about 3 months ago (from 1 pump of 1% daily to 1 pump of 1.62% daily), and still, I’m not seeing physical changes (which is still a big part of my goals). I have still not yet missed a day – applying the gel feels of utmost importance to me, as a part of my daily routine.
Nothing can be new forever, unfortunately. Naturally, I no longer have that same emotional reaction to applying the gel (anticipation, excitement). And I haven’t been thinking about it in the same ways as I did every single day for that first year (how totally fucking awesome it is). Still it feels very much essential. It’s not nearly as constant, but I do still reflect on how different things are for me now.
– I am grateful that I consistently feel like eating at regular intervals now.
– I’m grateful that I no longer feel quite as debilitated by anxiety-induced adrenaline surges
– I’m grateful that physical sensations make more sense. Pain actually feels painful. I don’t recoil from affectionate touches. When I take a deep breath, I feel a sense of calm and a connection to my body. Etc. forever.
– I’m grateful that sex finally makes sense, and that I get to be a part of it (usually. At least it’s much improved.)
– I’m grateful that although I’m still moody and seem to feel emotions relatively strongly, it’s become more manageable, and rarely manifests in self-destructive ways anymore.
– I’m grateful that I don’t feel so cold all the time!
– I’m grateful that things just feel easier, across the board.
I am genderqueer (in case you didn’t already know!) and am continuing to carve out a space in between genders. Or, to mix and match genders as I see fit. I feel like I’ve made a ton of progress in terms of finding that place where I feel like myself, in my own skin. Yet, not nearly enough progress in terms of seeing that identity reflected back to me from the world around me. This just means I have a long ways to go (And society has a much longer way to go. C’mon society, get with it!) until I really feel comfortable with the ways I’m seen by others. Luckily, that part is not nearly as important as the part about how I see myself. 🙂
Initially, I feel like I was being hyper vigilant about not crossing over into any masculinizing territory, especially with my voice dropping. As time has gone on, I’m not quite so concerned with this (although I’m not actually trying for it either.) I do wonder if my attitudes will change more, in this vein, and I’ll start to want to increase my dose even more and cross into that territory. Only time will tell. As of now, I’m feeling comfortable with where I am.
Here’s where I’ve been (there are lots of details about the subtle physical changes in these past posts):
A video at the one year mark
One point two-five years
And finally, a couple of pictures of my face:
My therapist once reminded me that when I look at myself in the mirror or in photographs, what I see is not what other people see when they look at me. Also, long before it became popular, my Mom once told me that “People don’t see us as we are, they see us as they are.” I believe nothing could be more true with regard to gender identity as the corollary that states” What we see in ourselves is what we have internalized to see in ourselves. I believe that any doubts you may yet hold about yourself will reflect what you see in the mirror or in selfies. Keep the faith and all will be well..
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thanks for this wisdom!
So, if I could post a photo here, I would copy the most recent photo, photo-shop in some horns, a goatee, and other additions, then add the text “1.5 Years on T Without Noticable Changes.”
Pretend that I did that, and have yourself a good laugh. 🙂
Good luck with transition.
haha, nice. maybe we can work on that for the 2 year mark!