2 years on T without noticeable masculinizing changes
Posted: March 18, 2015 | Author: janitorqueer | Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: Androgel, androgynous, androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbtq, lgbtqia, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender |
Today marks 2 years! I bring this up each time I do one of these posts, because it’s that important: although I haven’t changed much on the outside, my internal world feels significantly different, and that’s why I stay on it. I don’t have any changes to report, but these back-posts say a lot:
one and three-quarters years
one and a half years
one and a quarter years
one whole year
eight months on T
five months on T
I may be changing my tune. I might increase my dose in order to look more masculine/androgynous. I just don’t know yet. Just wait and see. For now though, here’s some pictures of my face; I don’t think I look different over time. Maybe slightly rounder face?
2 years. I keep taking these photos outside and end up squinting in the sun!
1.75 years on testosterone
one year on testosterone
To celebrate this milestone, I figured I’d post an (edited) email reply I sent an internet friend. They asked, essentially, how I finally made the decision to start testosterone. They were wondering if I felt a hormonal imbalance prior to starting T. I said,
I wouldn’t say I started T due to feeling a hormonal imbalance. In terms of menstrual cycling, my period has never been too much of a discomfort. I mean, I definitely don’t like having it, but relatively speaking, my symptoms are mild, and my feelings of dysphoria don’t seem correlated to my cycle at all. Sex drive was an important factor in wanting to take T, and things have improved. The other big factor was probably just wanting to take some action (any action!) forward instead of incessantly dwelling on the “what if’s” for the rest of my life. So I’d say I was partially motivated by just wanting to stop compulsively thinking about transition-related feelings without doing anything about it.
My voice has changed a little bit, but not to the point where anyone has seemed to notice. It is so slight. I’d say that my vocal range has shifted, while my speaking voice is basically the same, if that makes sense. Other changes – slight muscle growth (mostly in shoulders, upper arms, and abs). Slightly more body hair (pubic and butt hair, hair on inner thighs where I apply the gel, slight increase in mustache hairs.) Face filled out a little bit I think. I feel warmer, I sweat more, my body odor is more pungent…
T has impacted menstruation a little bit, which is cool. My flow seems lighter, and all other symptoms (moods, cramping) feel less severe (they were never that drastic to begin with).
I keep using the terms “a little bit” and “slightly,” haha. It’s pretty much true – nothing has changed that significantly in terms of physiology. The biggest changes have been emotional – feel less anxious, feel more present in the moment, feel more in my body. These sensations are kinda immeasurable, all I can say is it’s definitely different in the best way possible!
I think I finally decided to give it a try when I started talking about it out loud in therapy, you know? I was probably essentially ready and needed that one last push from someone I trusted. Like having an idea at the tip of your tongue. Other aspects of potential transition feel like they’re percolating, and I can really gauge this by how difficult it is to talk about them with my therapist! I can barely bring up top surgery, and although I have an idea for a name I would like to go by, I can’t even say it out loud! Why is this? I wish my feelings of being ready would speed up!
This is so true – I feel like I’m on a trajectory and I have a vision for an end point, and it is taking forever to feel like I’m ready for each next tiny step. I suppose it’s better than feeling impatient that things out of my control are not happening fast enough, but sometimes I wish I would take more control and just move toward where I see myself already!
Non-binary or DIY transition is like taking a long trek in the desert instead of driving direct. No roads, no signs, no traffic, not always a sense of how far you’ve gone or how far to go. My trek was yours backwards – I talked a lot with my therapist about my inability to find a name I liked, even though that was the first thing I really wanted to change (I did not discuss actual names until I was miscalled Jamie and liked it immediately). I kept trying things out to avoid T, and explored top surgery several times (best decision ever).
The main thing is that DIY transition means making a lot of choices, and feeling comfortable stating your needs (as in I need to do something between where I am and being a transgender man) and not being pushed into an either/or situation.
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Yes, that’s the hardest line to walk! I know I definitely felt pushed into being a trans man, and (perhaps unfortunately) my transition definitely follows a more “standard” trans man-like trajectory.
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I’ve similarly been having a hard time with names. I picked one out a long time ago and then made zero progress with it. Turns out maybe that’s because it wasn’t the right name! I have another idea right now and am letting it settle in, in my mind… I also am unable to discuss names casually. I seem to need to be 100% sure first. I imagine I might end up legally changing my name even before socially switching over… we’ll see.
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Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m on a high dose, and its been a year and a half for me, and I don’t have any major differences too
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