1.25 years on T without noticeable masculinizing changes
Posted: June 18, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone, Uncategorized | Tags: androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtq, mental health, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender, transition 14 CommentsI’ve been previously writing this ongoing series as “__ months/years on T without physical changes,” but I decided to change the wording from “physical changes” to “noticeable masculinizing changes” …a little more accurate. There have been some physical changes. But, ultimately, they have not added up to a more masculine gender presentation, which has been what I’m aiming for.
A quick rundown of the physical changes I have seen:
(All of these occurred within the first 2 months and then plateaued out, except the ones that have an asterisk – they started to become noticeable around the one year mark.)
- muscle growth, mostly in shoulders, chest, and abs
- moderate clitoral growth
- smell stinkier, need to shower more, get sweaty and sticky, get grosser quicker
- more peach fuzz on face, mustache teeniest-tiniest bit darker
- hairier butt crack*
- slightly more hair on thighs, where I apply the gel*
All these changes are so slight. I don’t think I look any different. Also, my voice sounds the same to me. I would say my range has shifted oh-so subtly (like when trying to sing or make high pitched or low pitched noises, which I like to do a lot), but my speaking voice is the same.
Here are a couple of pictures:
1.25 years on testosterone
one year on testosterone
before testosterone
Also, please note my new summer fashion, in the first photo. I cut the sleeves off of a couple of western-style shirts, to wear over t-shirts or tank tops. The placement of the pockets & snaps helps hide what’s going on with the fact that I have a chest. In the winter, I just layer, and it’s awesome. In the summer, it is hot! Right?! If I can get away without wearing a binder, I will. (And I am grateful every single day for that.) This layered look just might do the trick. I do imagine that I will get top surgery one day. I always start thinking about it much more in the summer. What an incredible feeling it would be to just wear a tank top and be done with it!
I have not missed a day yet, applying 1.25 grams of Androgel 1% per day. The internal effects make it more than worthwhile. A quick rundown of those:
- lower levels of anxiety
- higher sex drive
- less instances of dissociating / more present in my body
- increased ability to experience bodily sensations
- more awareness of the world around me
- increased sensitivity to pain
- ability to let things just roll off my shoulders
- a lot of these are rewording similar themes: basically, a greater sense of well being!
If you wanna look back at where I’ve been, here are some past posts about this topic:
- Five months on T without physical changes
- Eight months on T without physical changes
- Eleven months on T without physical changes
- One year on T without physical changes
And also, a video about it, at the one year mark.
Drag King Stories (pt 2)
Posted: May 28, 2014 Filed under: Drag King Stories | Tags: androgyny, bob dylan, butch, drag, drag king, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, lgbtqia, non-binary, performance, queer, trans, transgender 2 CommentsA few weeks ago, a friend asked me if I could portray Bob Dylan, as he were in Subterranean Homesick Blues. (My initial plan for “Drag King Stories” was to be chronological; obviously I’m not following that because I’m now jumping to the most recent story I have on the topic!) The friend had been invited by the local Improvement Society to give a power-point presentation at a literary/cultural hub, just up the street from me. He was going to be one of 11 people, doing flash-presentations to highlight what’s new!
His project: He is the mastermind behind a new radio station that will be hitting the airwaves by October. It’ll be run by and for the community; all funds will be raised by community efforts (as opposed to commercial, although there might be underwriters and/or sponsorship members).
So when he approached me, he said that each group presents 20 slides and a representative talks along with the images, which are on an auto-timer of 20 seconds each, for a total 6minute, 40 second presentation (per group). And the audience sits and watches each presentation, one after the other. He told me he’d already gotten permission to stray from the rules and just not use power-point or slides at all. To instead go totally lo-fi, using poster-board with words sharpied in black. Just my style!
In the past, any opportunity to be in drag and perform outside of a typical drag show format has been a total blast, and so I jumped on the chance. My friend and I hung out in his attic the Sunday before the event, listening to music, practicing, and drawing out the words with sharpie markers. He had written out a script, telling the story of the radio station thus far. I assumed a wide stance and stony expression, just like Mr. Bob Dylan. We decided in advance that I was going to have an attitude. I was just going to drop each poster onto the floor and then at the end of our 6:40, I would throw the last poster up into the air and walk off, leaving others to pick them all up.
We arrived early, and I was excited to find out we were on first. Love getting a performance out of the way and then kicking back! The audience was a bunch of young entrepreneurs / hipsters / yuppies / intellectuals. Haha. We got up there, did our thing, I walked off, and then we watched everyone else. There was an intermission with cucumber sandwiches, meats and cheeses, and tiny fingerling potatoes(?), and beer. This was, ultimately, a networking event, but I dislike that stuff, so I let my friend do the talking, and my partner and I grabbed food and beer and went to explore the building a little bit.
After the event, my partner and I went out to a bar to see a different friend’s new band. I felt really solid in my button-up shirt, vest, and sideburns. I should remember to go out “in drag,” just for fun, more often!
Also, if you wanna check out what I wrote in Part 1, it is here!
Convincing doctors that hormones are not that complicated
Posted: May 13, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, coming out, doctors, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtq, medical treatment, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender 14 CommentsI just got back from my first appointment with a new doctor at a women’s health group (unintentional!) This has been an ongoing saga, and although it’s not a perfect fit, it’s good enough, at least for now. Looking for more backstory?
Back in January, I decided I was fed up with my doctor, and that I could do better.
By the end of February, I’d found a promising candidate, only to realize she’s part of a women’s health group.
My last appointment with my doctor, at the end of March, was an absurdist performance piece.
It has been challenging to find appropriate health care where I live, but I’ve plowed ahead anyway because: 1)I know what I am trying to get, and 2)I don’t see any reason why I should not get it. This new doctor has no expertise in trans* identities, and I knew that going in. But I did find her through the local gay alliance’s resource page, so that was a start. When I told her that this is how I came to be here, she replied, “Well… yes, I am LGBT friendly, but I don’t know how I got on that list.” What does that mean???
When I told her the reason I’m here is to get more Androgel, she replied that she does not feel qualified to prescribe hormones. That was the start of the discussion, but by the end, she was giving me a prescription for exactly what I said I’ve been on for over a year already, and she was changing her tune to, “I suppose I could for the time being, but the long-term health risks are too great, and it’s not my area of expertise.”
I told her I’ve been going to the one trans* specific doctor in the area who treats adults (that I know about), and I want to switch because I do not like him. She used her laptop to confirm she knew of no local doctors, aside from the clinic that treats adolescents and young adults. She suggested I could use her as my PCP and still go to my other doctor for the hormones. I told her I was not going to do this. She then suggested she might be able to get me in at the adolescent clinic for a one-time visit, so that she can then be advised by them about my care. I told her that would be amazing. She will be following up with me on this, and I would be happy to go.
I told her how I perceive my gender identity, why I’m taking testosterone, and that it does not involve much health risk for me personally. She said, even so, she did not know enough about it. I asked her, “What if a woman wanted to take testosterone to address issues with a low sex-drive?” (Women do this.) She said that she would not use testosterone as a treatment. It’s not been proven to be effective. She continued on to say that she does have some male patients (husbands, sons, etc. of patients, who want to come here), and some have low testosterone levels, and she’s not the one to prescribe them testosterone. I found this difficult to believe.
I showed her a copy of my latest blood tests, and this is when the tables started to turn. I saw her open up. I illustrated what I knew by telling her what “normal” female and male ranges were, and where I fall within that. I told her that risks such as increased blood pressure, red-blood cell count, cholesterol, etc., are real concerns that can be monitored through blood work, but I believe I counteract those risks anyway with my lifestyle (vegetarian diet, active profession, don’t smoke, drink only moderately.)
I told her, bluntly, “It’s not that complicated.”
And, in the end, she seemed OK with it. She was asking me what diagnosis I would like her to put for insurance purposes. I told her that Gender Identity Disorder is in the DSM – “I don’t like it, but it’s there.” She responded with, “What about ‘hormone treatment for transgender patients?’ Well, you don’t identify as transgender…” I told her that I do, that “transgender” is an umbrella term, and that diagnosis works OK.
I went by this new name I’m trying out, at the doctor’s office. I figured this is a compartmentalized atmosphere, and a good place to see what it feels like. I gotta say, it didn’t feel great. I’m not sure what that’s about yet. If that means this just isn’t the name for me, or if I’d actually feel this way about any new name, because any and all would feel foreign at first. I’m sure my gut will tell me. And time. Time will tell me. I also told her I’d like to go by male pronouns. She said, “We can do our best with this. You’ll probably have to remind us, but we’ll try.” Her body language while she said this conveyed, “I don’t get it. I’m not really going to try, but feel free to try to get us to try.”
And this is where things are.
Ruling with elf wisdom
Posted: May 6, 2014 Filed under: coming out, name change | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, media, names, non-binary, pen names, queer, trans, transgender 20 CommentsThe term, “ruling with elf wisdom” is linked to the names, “Aubrey” (f) and “Avery” (m/f). They are of English origin. In the case of Avery, the meaning is derived from the Old English words aelf, meaning elf, and raed, meaning counsel. What does this mean exactly? Elves have made appearances throughout time in different cultures’ storytelling and mythology, most notably Germanic and Norse mythology (which may be the basis for today’s understanding of elves as helpers to Santa Claus, of the North Pole.) Not to mention Tolkein’s imaginings. According to Wikia, a website for fandom,
“The elves were originally imagined as a race of minor nature and fertility gods, who are often pictured as youthful-seeming men and women of great beauty, living in forests and underground places, like caves, or in wells and springs. They have been portrayed to be long-lived or immortal and as beings of magical powers. In Norse paganism, Light elves were beautiful creatures and were considered to be ‘guardian angels.’ Light elves were minor gods of nature and fertility; they could help or hinder, humans with their knowledge of magical powers. They also often delivered an inspiration to art or music.”
In contrast,
“The Dark Elves hated the sun and it’s sunlight, because if they were touched or exposed to it they would immediately turn into stone. They use to annoy and threaten humans, to the point that nightmares were thought to be produced by the Dark Elves.These elves could also haunt animals, especially horses. They are also known as dwarfs. “
Elves are known to be playful, mischievous, and flighty, yet loyal and duty-bound. So, to rule with this wisdom can only be a good thing! To “rule with dwarf wisdom,” if there were such a thing, might be something else entirely.
__________________________________________
I have not heard any follow-ups from the Washington Post reporter in over a week, so I’m assuming she went with someone else. I’m kinda bummed – it felt like it would have been a good personal challenge. Maybe I’ll have more opportunities to talk with more people in the future… I’ll share the link to the story as soon as I come across it.
Having the chance to talk with her via phone and then to think about the potential of her coming here to hang out with me as I live my life definitely made some specific types of thoughts more pronounced, for many many days in a row. Mainly, what do I want to share with others, and what feels too vulnerable? Hypothetically, to what extent would I choose to be anonymous? These questions have been on my mind quite a bit for a while, but suddenly it felt like I might need to make some definitive choices. And even though the pressure’s off on those decisions, I’m still pressing myself about it, at least some of it. I finally decided to settle on a new name.
The name situation has been a thing I haven’t directly addressed but have thought about for roughly 10+ years (like a lot of particulars about my gender identity). I do not like to go by my legal name, or the name I used growing up. Somewhere in my mid-twenties, I skewed it slightly, and that started to stick – almost everyone knows me by this slightly masculinized version of a pretty feminine name. But ultimately, it’s not what I want. I’ve toyed with the idea (off-and-on) of going by a male name. The biggest contenders were Adam (this is my drag persona) and Konrad (just because I like it).
But, I have to admit that ultimately, it would be too hard for me to request a name like that if I’m not ever going to be appearing definitively male. I wish it were no big thing. And to many people, I imagine it wouldn’t be, and they’d easily make the switch. Just… it would be too awkward for me. I already know.
Ideally, I’ve wanted to go by a name that is right in the middle of androgyny. I mean, a lot of names can be male or female names, but usually, they’re much more commonly used for one over the other.
I talked to my partner about a potential new name about a week ago. This is a conversation we’ve had at other points in time, for sure. But it was always more whimsical – sort of like, what if?… This time it was more like, OK, I really need to pick now. I have this piece of writing I want to submit to our local LGBT literary magazine, and it’s due in 3 days, and I need a pen name!
That ended up being pretty tense; note to self – don’t try to rush these kinds of decisions. Haha. But we got through it; she helped me come to a name that I’m going to start using ASAP as a pen name. Avery. And if I still like it, I’ll start using it more and more online, and then if I’m still liking it, the big switch to real life (which I envision will involve legally changing it as well.) But all that feels pretty scary, so for now, it’s just a pen name.
“Avery” definitely seems androgynous to me – maybe skewed more to masculine, but feels like either, for sure. I looked up the origin / what it means, and that pretty much sealed the deal. A few websites confirmed, “the name literally means, ‘ruling with elf wisdom.'”
Not sure if I could find a better fit!!!
I am a known elf.
I rule all.
If you picked out your name, how did you come to it / narrow it down???
more evidence
never not an elf.
Recent instances of passing
Posted: April 29, 2014 Filed under: Passing | Tags: androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, passing, queer, trans, transgender 15 CommentsSome trans* people strongly dislike the notion of “passing,” because it implies a deception is taking place. They’re not passing as male/female, they just are male/female, whether others see them as such or not. I definitely respect and appreciate this viewpoint; for me personally though, I embrace “passing.” I relish the times I pass as male because although I don’t feel myself to be male, exactly, it feels awesome and validating when that’s what others see. If this were to happen 100% of the time or even 18% of the time, it’d start to feel disorienting, alarming even. But when it happens on occasion, it’s one of my favorite things ever!
It happened three times in the past two weeks. And, it was not only thrilling, but totally unexpected and unprecedented. Because in the past, I’ve passed at a distance, or with kids, or maybe with people who are much much older than me, or I pass until I start speaking, etc. But two out of three of these recent occasions, I was fully interacting with someone roughly my age (meaning: making eye contact, conversing, spending more than a couple seconds in their presence). I’m not sure if this has ever happened to me before, or if it has, it’s been a long time.
Makes me think that testosterone is doing something very subtly, above and beyond appearance. Like an aura or an energy or something that can be sensed by others. Because I look the same as I always have; I sound the same. The only thing I can think is that my shoulders might be slightly more filled out now; I might have a little bit of a different stance because of that. Ultimately, if it’s an either/or, in my opinion, I think I look female, and I love it when people think otherwise!
At Work: It was spring break, so the building was almost empty except for my co-workers and me. We were eating lunch, and my co-worker saw through the window that UPS had just pulled up, so I went down to receive and sign for the packages (usually administrative assistants would do that.) I let him into the office, talked to him about how everyone’s on vacation, small talk like that, etc. I signed his form, and he said, “Thank you, sir!.” I said, “You’re welcome.” And walked away, beaming.
At The Mall: My partner and I never go to the mall. Seriously. We have been together for 7 years and have been to a mall together once before, in that time. (Oh wait, no, twice. We went mini-golfing in a mall for a friend’s birthday.) In addition, I have been to a mall one time by myself in that time. We really had to go to the Apple store though because she finally upgraded to a smart phone, and then proceeded to smash the screen by dropping it on a concrete floor. Her protective case was on its way, in the mail! So we were just going to go there and see if they could do anything for her – a long shot, but might as well try… They could not do a single thing for her but they were very nice about it, as if they were her good buddy and just could not let her down, haha. We then walked out of the Apple Store and were directly confronted by a kiosk selling phone cases and a sign saying, “We fix phones here.” She asked, “how much?” It was reasonable and was only going to take 20 minutes. Seemed like a good option, so we watched the guy work his magic with teeny tiny screwdrivers with magnetic tips. He talked to us about how he’s only 22 years old and he already owns 10 of these kiosks. He’d just gotten back from Miami Beach for a entrepreneur conference, and he was on his way to Seattle. We chatted with him about phones, what there is to do for fun here, etc. I left to go find a bathroom and come right back. Then I left to sample teas at Teavana and come right back. Then I wandered away into a clothing store. My partner got her screen replaced(!!!) and when she came to get me, she told me that while I was gone, the kiosk guy asked her if I was her boyfriend! She told him “Yes.”
At the Public Market: I was looking at mushrooms when a little girl (3 years old?) turned and almost hugged my leg, thinking I was her mother. When she realized I wasn’t she startled, and then asked, “Is you a goioiol?” “What?” “Is you a goioiol?” I squatted down to her height and clarified her question, “Am I a boy or girl?” “Yeah.” “I’m a little bit of both.” She seemed to accept this.
Other recent instances in which I passed:
– Effeminate pirate orders fruity drink on party boat
– Passing as a teenager yet again
– Thirty-one year old kid working as school janitor
Off the record
Posted: April 24, 2014 Filed under: coming out | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, human interest story, interview, lgbt, lgbtq, media, non-binary, queer, reporters, trans, transgender 11 CommentsLast night, I talked “off the record” with a reporter from the Washington Post, on the phone. Completely surreal and surprisingly fulfilling. It’s ironic that just a few days ago, I wrote about a difficulty in sharing who I am with others, and then suddenly I’m talking to a big time newspaper about core beliefs and feelings, how I got to where I am, how I navigate daily life, etc.
I was at work while we talked. The phone call was scheduled ahead of time, so I just cleaned a little faster than normal so I’d have more time toward the end of my night. I kicked back at a teacher’s desk (shhhh, don’t tell) and waited for the call. I even wrote myself a pep talk on an index card so I wouldn’t psych myself out too much. It’s still in my pocket. It says, “Anything you have to say – big or small – is worthwhile and interesting. Talking to people is a huge part of her job. Let her do the work and steer things, but also give yourself space to say everything you want to say.” We ended up talking for about 35 minutes, which was starting to feel a little long. I think I was being pretty verbose (maybe even actually eloquent at times), contrary to my fears of not being able to answer clearly or not elaborating enough.
The reporter is currently talking to a lot of people who identify as non-binary. Who live in between, and how they negotiate that. She’ll be narrowing it down to one person, or a couple of people, to then go and spend time with face-to-face, get a real sense of how they go about their days. If you would like to talk to her too, you can! Let me know, and I’ll send you her email address so you can share a little about yourself first. Or, you can read more details here.
I got a good vibe from her, but I definitely have some strong reservations going on at the same time. She’s open to, and flexible with, issues of anonymity, so that’s certainly a good sign. On the other hand, I worry that even if we were to connect well and I felt understood, that wouldn’t mean the article would reflect what I think it should be saying. I’d have no control over the final product whatsoever. But, I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I could handle that. Even if I were to not feel too good about it, I could move on from there and still feel like it’s worthwhile to put myself out there and be a voice for this community. I’m getting waaaaaaay ahead of myself here though. I might not be the person they’re looking for, in the first place.
I’m just pretty proud of where I find myself these days. A year ago, for example, I wouldn’t have even comprehended doing something like this. Now I feel like it’s doable, and not nearly as nerve-racking as I’d imagined.
Thanks to Micah for telling me about this opportunity! You keep opening up doors to new possibilities!
While I was “out,” part 3 – coming back
Posted: April 21, 2014 Filed under: coming out | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, trans, transgender 5 CommentsThis is the last part (for now) on the topic of being “out.” It was starting to get really long, which is why I broke it up into segments.
Part 1 is about how language has changed over just a short time.
Part 2 is about feeling disconnected from the LGBT community.
This is more about how I’m finding my way back. How was I involved in the LGBT community before it started feeling overwhelming? Mostly, I was connecting on personal levels with people, whether that was through a group (for example, I was in a gender identity group therapy dynamic from 2004-2006), at conferences (I went to a handful between 2004 and 2006), or just hanging out one-on-one and talking about difficult stuff. I did an AIDS walk, I volunteered for the local LGBT film festival, things like that.
In my late-teens / early-twenties, I would say I was only partly out of the closet, while being very involved in the community, because I was not specifically hiding anything, but I wasn’t vocal in the least, either. It’s easy to not really talk about who you are when you rarely talk at all to begin with. And this, specifically, is what I’ve been working on, because my ultimate goal is to feel comfortable as a social person. I don’t talk much at all, on a daily basis. I have a handful of people who I talk to a lot, (just ask my partner!) and beyond that, I don’t talk to people – not about the weather, not about myself, not about local news, etc. I am slowly, slowly, trying to change this.
So when I say I want to come out, what I mean is that I want to be comfortable talking to any and everyone, to varying degrees, about my life, about what I’m doing, and about my take on who I am. I’m a pro at hearing all about this stuff from everyone else, but I have a ways to go. I want to stop filtering. I want to be able to just casually say, “My partner and I did _____ this weekend.” And actually use her name and her pronouns. In more advanced situations, I want to include more about my gender identity. I started to come out to some family members recently, but there’s a whole lot more to do.
All along, there’s been one way I’ve always been “out,” and that’s been through my appearance. I never compromise on that; not while growing up (and I was fortunate to have parents who didn’t meddle too much), and certainly not now. I appear how I want to appear. I wear what I want to wear. And people can come to assumptions easily based on that. The assumptions are probably pretty far off from how I actually identify, but I can live with that. It’s much better than feeling uncomfortable with how I look. In retrospect, I think that the fact I’ve been so uncomfortable in my body is the reason why I’ve always given myself a lot of leeway on the things I can control: clothing, shoes, accessories, hairstyles. Essentially: gender presentation. I have rarely cared what others think, in terms of the way I look. And I’ve been fortunate to have never gotten too much flak about it (or, perhaps, I’ve been oblivious…)
Why do I want to come back to the LGBT (specifically the T) community? Some of the reasons are selfish. I started testosterone, and the community now feels more relevant to my life again. But another way to phrase that exact same notion would be, “I’ve finally found where I belong, in a positive way, and it’s within the trans* community. Now that I’ve gotten through the bulk of the personal struggles, I want to give back.” I’m not sure how, exactly, yet, but some pretty safe bets would be:
– through writing
– through connecting personally with others
– through local community involvement
-And specifically, one day, I’d like to present at conferences and/or be a gender identity youth coordinator. We’ll see…
A video about taking a low dose of testosterone (w/o masculinizing changes)
Posted: March 27, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender, transmasculine 8 CommentsLast week, I made a video using my computer for the first time. If you’ll bear with me for the first 25 seconds, I do eventually start talking. It gets off to a slow start, as I am momentarily mesmerized by my own interior decorating. 🙂
I posted this video on YouTube on a new collaborative channel called Undefine Me. The channel has a handful of people who identify in a lot of different ways, talking on a weekly basis about sexuality, gender, and similar topics. I don’t think I’ll be contributing much by way of video, but I’ve started writing on their blog. You can too, if you feel so inclined!
The reason I decided to make a video is because I feel like I have something to say. And I’ve been writing an awful lot about it here on my blog. (So if you read this blog, all the info in the video will be redundant!) But I think there are a lot of people who might be more inclined to watch a video than to read a blog post. (I am not one of those people!) So, this video is for them, and I’m putting it out there in the hopes they’ll somehow find it.
One year on testosterone without physical changes
Posted: March 18, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, anniversary, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender, transition 7 CommentsMy non-binary self has made it one whole year on testosterone(!!!), and it feels like there’ll be no end in sight (I wasn’t planning on there being an end). I still feel highly motivated to apply the topical gel (Androgel) daily. The benefits have been more than I could have even imagined.
If you’re a numbers person, this paragraph is for you (if you’re not, just go ahead and skip it): There are probably a lot of estimations about what is considered a “normal” range for testosterone. There are plenty of articles and websites to find info on levels, and what “free testosterone” is, etc. Also, I’m not a scientist. I’m a janitor. So I’m just going based on what my blood-work form says: Females have a general T range of 14-76 ng/dl Males have a general T range of 300-800 ng/dl. I started at 59. I’m now at 102.3.
This makes quite a bit of sense in that I am now in neither a female nor a male range. Which is how I’ve felt myself to be for a very long time, and it’s now being reflected within this potent hormone/steroid level. It’s not high enough to be exhibiting secondary male sex characteristics. But it’s high enough for me to feel much more comfortable in my skin, being someone who is non-binary in this specific way.
For reference, here’s where I’ve written a lot more info about what has changed:
– 5 months on T
– 8 months on T
– 11 months on T
Instead of repeating a lot of that info, I thought I’d go back to what I wrote a year ago. I did not yet have this blog (I started it last July); I was writing in a paper journal about what it felt like to start testosterone. Here are a few choice excerpts:
3/18/13 – My initial start level was 59. I’m hoping for about 100 or so [good guess!] – enough to feel different, but not enough to induce physical changes… Applied it to my shoulders. It was a lot more, volume-wise than I was expecting. Didn’t notice any changes, but had a dream that night that two men (strangers) were out on the street, checking out each others’ erections and making sure things were working properly.
3/19/13 – Felt just kind of increasingly calm, which can be attributed to any number of things… Toward the end of my work day, I was reclining on an inclined weight bench (I clean the weight room) listening to my mp3 player, and when I sat up, my visual field was new and improved. Everything looked sharper, brighter, more organized. I scanned the room and structured it by color for the first time. Made me wonder if I’ll be able to “see” differently.
3/22/13 – Switched to applying it to inner thighs. Makes more sense in terms of touching and potential transfer. I’ve been feeling really warm and fuzzy lately, which is the best part of this whole thing. Still feel calm, and simultaneously energized, like relaxergized!!!
3/29/13 – I need to convey more how awesome everything is. Anxiety is gone completely. I have never felt this way in my life. I’ve never been on Extacy, but I’m gonna take a guess I’m feeling similar to that. Last night, I rolled around on the living room floor like a dog. I’m just kinda reveling in my own skin over here – I feel so safe in my body.
The intensity of these feelings has, of course, diminished over time (although wouldn’t it be cool if I could feel this high for the rest of my life? Even that would get boring though haha.) But the difference between where I was and where I am, in terms of how I feel, is so great that there’s no question for me about whether I should continue.
My voice hasn’t dropped. I don’t have to shave my face. I don’t look any more masculine, in my opinion. However, I do think my face shape is morphing ever so slightly. It’s hard to know what might be due to aging and what might be due to testosterone. But here are some pics to illustrate:
two years ago
one year ago, right before starting T
last week
yesterday
Drag King Stories (pt 1)
Posted: March 10, 2014 Filed under: Drag King Stories | Tags: androgyny, drag, drag kings, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, trans, transgender, transmasculine 2 CommentsIf you’d have known me in college, you’d know 1) I was fond of saying, “One day I will be a drag king” and 2) I appeared to be one of the least likely candidates ever, for such an endeavor. I was beyond shy. I had very few friends, so it’s not likely you would have know me in college anyway! I avoided people at a lot of costs – never attended parties, found the back entrances and emergency staircases to buildings so as not to walk with the masses, went to dining halls at off times, etc.
But I was mesmerized by the idea. I wanted to personify different artists. I wanted to be seen by others in this specific context, which largely meant being seen as male. Then again, I never danced. I never went to bars, night clubs, drag shows. It was all just a hypothetical idea.
One day, I did become a drag king.
Billy Idol is very macho, no?
Fast forward a year after graduation. I was living at home with my parents, just starting out in my career as a janitor. I had gone to a drag show once with some friends. I was starting to make friends. The way the drag kings presented themselves was enviable, but also to me, a little uncomfortable. They were so overtly macho and sexual. Wasn’t so sure about that. They were fun to watch, but could I actually do that? Still, I never ever danced, let alone grind up on strangers and gyrate on poles.
I knew of one drag king, a friend of a friend, named Maurice (K). But we had never met. She worked at a local historic theatre, so when I found myself there, with my mom, I decided to ask, does K still work here? The person replied, “I’m K!” I told her that we have a mutual friend, and it’s really cool to meet you and stuff. She said we should hang out; she told me when her next show was.
I went to that dingy dive-of-a-gay-bar; it was my first time there, and I’m sure I arrived early. The floor was black, the bar was black, the walls were black, the tiny stage was black. The only thing that seemed only slightly fabulous was the shimmery silver drapes that lined the wall behind the stage. A mix of techno and hip-hop hits blared way too loudly. A few people milled about in groups. I was there with a friend; we didn’t drink. We stood around awkwardly.
I don’t recall much about the lineup that night, but I can still picture this mysterious potential friend’s performance vividly. Maurice had on a pink blazer and a visor. Everything about him was colorful – his swagger, his movements, his outfit. I’d never heard the song before, but I was instantly in love with it. (I asked him later; it was Japan – The Unconventional. I tracked it down on record soon after, and listened to that whole album over and over and over.)
He was certainly not exuding a macho persona, and he’d tell you he’s not going for sexual overtones (although I’d argue they’re there, unconventionally). I mean, of course! There are so many styles of music from which to draw from. Not just hip-hop, country, and pop punk, which was all I ever saw from anyone else. Maybe I could do this thing, if I just stuck to what I liked, which tended toward effeminate anyway. Glam rock, new wave, post-punk, there were all sorts of things to explore. And somehow, my path let me to find this person who was already doing this thing, his way, and wanted to connect with me about it.
After the show, he asked me, “So have you thought of being a drag king? You wanna be one?” And the rest is history. (By which I mean, there’s more to come.)
David Sylvian, of Japan, looks so very effeminate, in this video, and always. Maurice was, essentially, a woman impersonating a man who looks an awful lot like a woman. It was fantastic.
janitorqueer 