If barbies were “People”
Posted: April 6, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: androgynous, androgyny, children, creativity, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, kids, non-binary, play, queer, toys 10 CommentsI got asked a fun question a couple of weeks ago. A reader asked,
If you were to create a new line of barbies (and friends) for tomboys (or whatever you prefer to say) what would that line look like?
I would make a lot of changes to the barbie doll. First and foremost, the bodily dimensions would resemble the range of shapes and sizes that people actually are. When I think of a barbie, the image that comes to mind is a naked doll with these weird neutered bodies and impossible measurements – for some reason, a naked barbie seems more common than a clothed one. Kids get lazy and leave them around without dressing them? For this reason, these new dolls would have clothes that don’t really come off. When I think of people, they are clothed. When I think of myself, I am clothed. Although it’s fun to interchange clothes, these dolls would just wear clothes and then they’d be versatile in other ways.
They’d have knees and elbows that bend better than barbies, and they’d have hands that grip better. There’d be interactive toys to go along with them, but they wouldn’t be dream mansions and safari jeeps and jet skis. There’d be homes with the roofs removed and different things to do in each room – frying pans and food ingredients, TVs and computers and books, brooms and vacuum cleaners. Gardening tools and bikes and basketball hoops.
I would rename these barbies “People.” They would reflect different experiences – different ethnicities, different ages, different sizes, different abilities. One or two might be in a wheelchair. One might be gender-ambiguous. There would be babies and children, adults and old people.
These “People” would hopefully appeal to boys, girls, tomboys, and other gender non-conforming children. Playing with them would center around realistic life choices instead of fashion and glitz and glamor. It’d be a lot like playing house, with plenty of interchangeable activities and roles to experiment with different configurations.
And now for the fantastical part – these products would be manufactured by people making a living wage and they would be an affordable toy option. Haha.
Anyone have other ideas for a more gender variant version of barbie?
Tomboy
Posted: March 24, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: androgyny, emotions, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, graphic novel, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, tomboy, trans, transgender 10 CommentsI just finished reading Tomboy, a graphic novel by Liz Prince. Definitely worthwhile if you come across it. She recounts growing up as a tomboy, and continues to self identify that way, even as a 32 year old adult. She’s kinda a rare breed – someone who is cisgender, heterosexual, and a tomboy (it’s not just a childhood phase she grew out of). She recounts sibling dynamics, friendships, birthday parties, playing in Little League, bullying (there’s a lot of bullying, some of it physical), crushes, relationships, changing schools, basically her life from age 4 – age 18. For the most part, growing up, she rejected all things “girl,” including girl friendships and feeling OK as a girl. A big part of the book is her growing into the fact that she is a girl, and that the way she performs “girl,” is acceptable in the same way the way others choose to perform “girl” is. It’s just different. Boys / masculinity is not superior.
A lot of her journey is relate-able. Wearing a t-shirt over her swimsuit while swimming. Finding comfort behind a baseball hat that she wears constantly. Feeling like an outsider – being rejected by both boys and girls. I can’t believe (and I can believe) the amount of times she was bullied.
It made me reflect on my own childhood / adolescence. I haven’t written about this at all… yet. I kinda feel like I was a tomboy and I was not a tomboy. I looked like a boy from age 10, (cut my hair short, wore boys clothes) but I didn’t feel comfortable with boy stuff or boy friendships. I had one friend, and she was a tomboy, and I emulated her. If she wasn’t around, I reverted back to my painfully shy, nerdy self. I liked learning about endangered animals. And the 50 states. And the US presidents. And the countries of Africa. I didn’t play with action figures or video games much. I mostly remember reading and organizing my collections. And riding my bike a lot.
I honestly don’t have a lot of strong memories of being a kid. I didn’t have many strong emotions that I can remember. I was pretty easy – agreeable, liked all foods (except black licorice, stuff with fennel or anise in it). My parents allowed me to dress the way I wanted, for the most part. But I still had a hard time asking for explicitly boy’s clothes. I did get to wear boys clothes; I just don’t remember how that played out – don’t remember being that vocal about it. Or about anything really. I didn’t get bullied. A part of me believes I was too shy to be on peoples’ radars, thankfully. And plus, my one friendship was solid; we always just played together. We sat at the “boys table,” something I never would have done on my own. I was in girl scouts for a couple of years. I was on a girl’s softball team.
I don’t remember being all that happy, but I don’t remember anything traumatic happening either. It was just… a neutral childhood. I didn’t have a lot of strong preferences.
Adolescence is a different story, for sure – a different blog post for a different time! I do remember my tomboy friend growing out of her tomboy phase starting in middle school, and me being stuck, left to wonder what is going on with me. I definitely questioned why I wanted to look the way I did. I didn’t conform though, I just became more and more isolated in my head.
Anyone else relate to being a tomboy? Being trans and being a tomboy / gender non-conforming child often go hand in hand, but often the two are mutually separate…
Kids have strong opinions about my gender
Posted: January 4, 2015 Filed under: Passing | Tags: androgyny, children, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, kids, lgbt, lgbtqia, non-binary, passing, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender 7 CommentsYesterday, my partner and I met up with my childhood best friend and her family; they were in town for the holidays. They have two kids, ages 6 and 3, and the three year old was overwhelmingly interested in me. I’ve never had this experience before – usually kids stay their distance, giving me sideways glances or staring and staring and staring. I’ve been interacting with kids more at school (while I’m working) a little more lately, realizing that although I’m a janitor, I am also an authority figure they see regularly, who can help point them to preferable behaviors. (No running, no going down steps sideways, no slamming and throwing your garbage in the general area of the garbage barrel at lunch, etc.)
This was a very different dynamic though. We were hanging out at a nearby public greenhouse and plant conservatory, and the three-year-old daughter took any opportunity to climb all over me, instruct me to pick her up and throw her up in the air, and get right in my face. She was overhearing everyone use male pronouns for me, and she yelled, 2 inches away from my face, “you’re a girl!” And then again. And again. “You’re a girl!” We all laughed. It was funny. Because she’s three. It was also the most jarring thing I have experienced in a very long time. Her mom went ahead and explained very simply and directly that I get to say who I am, not her, and everyone has their own feelings about who they are, and only they get to say. She tested this with, “you’re a boy!” but then went on to state, “I’ve never seen a boy who sounds like a girl.” “I’ve never seen a boy who looks like a girl.” And again. And again. Holy cow, kids love repetition!!!
She also declared many times that I am her mama. Whoa. (She later clarified that she was making a joke.) Again, all of this is funny and easy to let slide because she is a three year old, but I gotta admit it was actually hitting my psyche a little bit. It helped that her mom (my friend), let us know she often does this. She’s super outgoing, and she’ll hone in on one adult of a group she’s with, and that person is 9 times out of 10 the most handsome adult male of the group. I’ll take it!
I have been considering what might happen if I increased my testosterone levels. And these exchanges really sunk in, as one more thing, in a way that makes me feel motivated to move in that direction where I appear and sound more masculine. I am still positive that I do not want to live my life as a visible male, but how cool would it be if people had some serious trouble knowing? I would love that (as long as they were respectful in the not-knowing).
This kid’s reaction was interesting, because usually it’s kids more than anyone else, who are not quite sure whether I am a girl or a boy. If I am asked this question, it’s coming from a child. I’m usually not told, strongly and forcefully, by someone making eye contact, two inches away from my face! Haha.
Getting to know each other #3 / Year end
Posted: December 28, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: blogs, emotions, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtqia, non-binary, queer, trans, transgender, travel, writing 4 CommentsThank you PlainT (Queering the Nerd) for choosing me for the chain-style Very Inspiring Blog Award!
I’m going to move it along by selecting a bunch of blogs I’ve been enjoying lately. If I chose your blog, and you’d like to make a post following all the rules of the award, they can be found in PlainT’s post, here:
The rules of this award are…
Then I’m going to write a few facts about myself, sort of in the vein of a year end summary. I made a similar post last year; it is here:
This year felt different… in a good way
These community-driven awards are super important because it’s a chance for blog writers to connect with different blogs they might not know about yet. I enjoy seeking out new blogs regularly, and I find myself feeling invested in the lives of other blog writers. Sometimes I get bummed when a blog starts off really strong and then disappears! Here’s to the coming year, and strengthening this online community through mutual support and inspired blog writing!
A few blogs to check out (some are mainstays, some are more sporadically written than others, some are brand new)!
John’s Thoughts
Changing Faces
Tea With Ess
Gender Drift
Casbalog
Queer Asterisk
Tangled Web
ftmfml
Dawn to Don
Musical Transparent
A Yellow Crayon
2 Women to 2 Men
Next up, here are some things about me / some things I did and felt this year:
– Overall, it was a pretty rough year for me. I continued to settle into a new and improved place with hormone therapy and talk therapy, but I’m finding I still have a LONG way to go until I really am where I see myself. I want to be out as non-binary in all areas of my life. I want to go by a different name. I want all the people who know me to use male pronouns in reference to me, not just most of the people… I might want top surgery…
– I felt a growing closeness with my partner, newer levels of comfort and ease, which is great. At the same time, she kinda had to put up with a lot from me. Lots of bouts of crying. Lots of insecurity-fueled jags. I had a rough summer. And fall. And just in general, lately…
– We celebrated our having-gotten-married (this occurred in November 2013) over the summer with friends and family!
– We went on some fun trips. To Massachusetts and Maine, to Toronto, To Philadelphia for the Philly Trans-Health Conference.
– We attended a foraging workshop with some friends, which was totally fun! We learned about edible plants you can find in our region, and how to prepare them into meal-like food items, over an open fire in the middle of the woods. We did that – everyone helped cook this food we’d found, and then we all ate it!
– Outdoors times were probably some of my favorite times this year. Just going for a hike or going to a lake. My partner and I got snowshoes recently, so we can keep getting out there, even throughout the winter.
– My pet rabbit passed away, and my co-worker retired. These have both felt like HUGE losses. Work has been tough and more drama-ful than need be, lately.
– I worked on 3 submissions for anthologies this year! One is already published, and two have been accepted and are in the works, the editing stages… This feels AWESOME!
– I got involved in a local group that is putting a new radio station out into the airwaves. Currently I’m helping out a lot with their facebook page, and within the coming year, I will be a weekly radio DJ!
That was, more or less, what 2014 looked like for me.
1.75 years on T without noticeable masculinizing changes
Posted: December 22, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, doctors, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtqia, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender 10 CommentsA couple of days ago, I hit my big 1.75 year milestone! (Haha.) I’ve been doing quarterly updates about changes on testosterone, and I’ll probably just continue at that pace.
Changes: There are none to report. Nothing new at least. I had increased my dose from 1 pump of 1% (Androgel) to 2 pumps of 1%, from roughly August through November. I did this because my blood work had come back with low levels. Er, by “low levels,” I mean back into a normal female range (I believe I was at 64 ng/dl). So after increasing and having more bloodwork done, I saw my doctor in November, and she told me my levels were at 210 ng/dl. I was surprised by this – not because it’s bad; just because it did not feel like I was up in that range at all. (A female range is roughly 14-75; a male range is between 300 and 800). I had been aiming for roughly 100 ng/dl; to find out I’d more than tripled my level felt hard to believe.
I hadn’t been experiencing a drop in my voice. Or more hair on my body. Or an increase in sex drive or appetite. To clarify, I have experienced some changes over time – just nothing new in a long time. Here are some past posts about it, if you’re interested:
One and a half years
One and a quarter years
One whole year
Eight months on T
My doctor wanted me to decrease the dosage a little bit. I strongly feel that I am going to do what I want to do and not what my doctor wants, in this regard. BUT, I’m super curious to see what the lab work will come back as, with a slight decrease. Because so far, the amount I’m taking has not appeared to correspond directly with the amount in my blood stream. Not in a sensical way, at least. So, for now, I’m using 1 pump of 1.62%, daily.
Like I said, there’s nothing new to report. So I’m going to just riff off of one thing I’ve really been enjoying. Feeling warm!!! It’s not so great in the summer, but right now I’m reveling in it big time. I’m typing right now wearing jeans and a t-shirt. This would not have been possible in winter months before taking testosterone! (Because we keep our house pretty chilly, to try to save $$$.) I can step out of the shower and not feel like I am shaking and shriveling until the point I have all my long johns and sweatshirts on. I can just kind of step out of the shower and take my time getting dressed. I can walk around with damp hair, and it’s not intolerable. My partner reports that sometimes it is too hot when we’re sleeping and I’m spooning her, in the dead of winter, even up in our uninsulated attic (which is where we sleep). Never heard that complaint before taking testosterone.
I love feeling warm when it is cold!!!
And finally, a couple of pictures of my face, to illustrate that it is possible to take testosterone for this long and still look pretty much the same (if that’s what you’re trying to going for – I am…)
1.75 years on testosterone
1.5 years on testosterone
one year on testosterone
The Re-imagination Program
Posted: December 2, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: Androgel, androgyny, doctors, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, insurance, lgbtqia, medical treatment, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender 12 CommentsI’ve been using Androgel, daily, for over a year and a half now. And I’m just now getting a full understanding about how the prescription & insurance industrial complex works as it relates to me continuing to get what I need. Here are a few experiences that, each taken separately, are small, but as a collection of anecdotes, are kinda mind-boggling:
– My first doctor initially tried to sway me toward a different product, Fortesta, telling me I could save big, and handed me a discount card I could activate. I went through all the hoops only to learn I was not eligible because I am not male. When I came back to him with this, he changed my prescription to Androgel without further discussion.
– Although I made clear to him that I was aiming to be on a very low dose, and see what happens from there (like 1-2 pumps), he wrote the script out as 4-6 pumps daily. This led me to be able to get 2 bottles at one time for $25. This amount lasted me for 4 months. At $6.25 per month, I wasn’t about to speak up about the inaccuracy!
– The prescription wording has changed over time (and between two doctors), and I’ve felt confused as to how that equates to how much I’m getting and how much I’m paying. I’ve paid $25 for 2 bottles together, $50 for two bottles together, and even $50 for only one bottle at one point. I guess I assumed it fluctuated in price. I thought I was paying per bottle.
– I’m not paying per bottle. I’m paying per month. My payment, I finally found out, should be $25 per month (not too bad!), but somehow I’ve continued to avoid even having to pay that much. I also have been able to store some bottles in reserves (which helps me feel much more secure since most of my visits to the pharmacy have led to some sort of questioning, calling of my doctor office, etc. Not for anything personally about me, but because of how the script was written out.)
Basically, while talking to my insurance company (using the pharmacy’s phone) last week, I learned that all that matters is how the script is written. Testosterone is a controlled substance. I always have to pick up the prescription at my doctor’s office and show a picture ID. I can never get a refill (although my doctor has tried!) If the doctor writes the dose out as 1-2 pumps per day, the higher amount is factored in. If it’s 4-6 pumps, it’s 6 pumps, even if I’m only actually using one. No one seems concerned about whether the amount correlates to what I’m doing. I can get a 30 day supply, a 60 day supply, or a 90 day supply. I’d prefer the 90 day because it means I don’t have to go as frequently. But if it’s entered as a 30 day supply, it’s 1/3 of the price. And no one actually seems concerned with whether that translates into how frequently I go to the pharmacy. Interestingly, I could pay a whole lot more to get the amount I use, or I could pay a whole lot less to get more than the amount I use. I don’t understand this logic, but I do finally understand this system.
When I was told I’d be paying $50 for one bottle and would have to come back in 2 months with a new prescription, for my 2nd bottle (due to the wording of the script) last week, I argued with that. The pharmacist got me on the phone with my insurance (which led to me finally grasping how this works). I realized the only way around it was to get the script re-written by my doctor.
I asked the pharmacist if I could get a discount card for Androgel. This is called “The Restoration Program.” Due to my experience with the Fortesta discount card, I wasn’t holding my breath. The pharmacist got me started and then handed the phone to me to complete the activation process with an Androgel representative. He was friendly and smooth. I was asked a lot of questions: name, address, email, phone number, etc. I was asked if I’ve read all the terms and conditions. Since I had just been handed the booklet with mass amounts of fine print 2 minutes prior, I just said, “yes.” I was then asked, “Are you MALE?” He said the word, “male,” in such a harsh, abrasive tone; all customer-serviceness left his voice. I paused for a good long while. Repeated the question back to him. Said, “No.” Said, “I’m not legally male; if there is any other criteria under which someone could be male, I’m interested in that.” But his helpfulness was long gone. I felt mildly humiliated; he just kept grinding it in that he could do nothing further for me.
My jaded brain (during a conversation with my partner’s jaded brain, haha) decided that men are rewarded for using Androgel because the company is trying to promote a specific type of patient for their product. Rugged, middle-aged, robust and vigorous. Masculine. Diagnosed with low testosterone, just needing a boost. Just take a look at the pics of men on their website:
Androgel website
I am nothing like the men on the website. However, I am just as worthy of being eligible for a discount program! I would call it “The Re-imagination Program.” Testosterone has certainly aided me in re-imagining who I am and what I can do / who I can become.
I told the pharmacist I wasn’t eligible. He acted surprised, but my jaded brain decided he already knew. The next day, I called my doctor’s office; asked for the prescription to be written the way it had previously been written. Got a call back that it was all set; ready for pick-up. Picked up the prescription, went back to the pharmacy, got my 3 month supply for $50. Anticipating more hassles in the future…
Gender specific toys: advice column Q&A
Posted: November 19, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: advice, advice column, androgyny, emotions, family, family dynamics, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtqia, non-binary, queer, relationships, siblings 2 CommentsI came across a question and answer from a nationally syndicated advice column the other day. I read this in my local newspaper and got such a kick out of it I brought it home to share with my partner:
My 7-year-old daughter loves playing with her 13-year-old brother’s toys. She has her own toys, but she does not play with them because she said that boys’ toys are “way cooler.” I don’t know what “way cooler” means, but I would prefer my girl to play with her toys. Do you think I am wrong for thinking this way, or should I find “cooler” girl toys for my daughter to play with?
-Daddy’s Little Girl, West Orange, NJYour son’s toys will be fascinating to your daughter no matter what they are, because they belong to her big brother. Her desire to play with them shows her interest in connecting with him. Chances are, if you bought her duplicates of all of his toys, she would still choose to play with his. This could be extremely annoying to your teenage son, who is probably doing his best to grow up and be independent.
Suggest to your son that he devote some of his time playing with his sister. Enjoying a bit of her brother’s attention should help her to become less obsessive about his toys. Suggest that your son let her play with one of his toys on a regular basis as long as she agrees that she will not touch any of his other toys without his permission. Negotiating playtime and boundaries should help them to find a comfort zone.
When I read this, it felt like a tiny victory. This parent was, essentially asking what to do about the gender-anxiety-inducing situation of her offspring playing with the wrong type of toys. Should she find cooler girl toys so her daughter will be more drawn to the right ones? She wants her girl to play with girl toys.
Normally, I’d be miffed that the advice columnist didn’t address the question / concerns. But in this case, it’s so refreshing that gendered toys was not touched on whatsoever. Rightly so – seems like a non-issue. Also ignored was the impulse to buy more toys and control the daughter’s desires. Instead, the columnists focused on cultivating a good relationship between the brother and sister based around spending time together and creating boundaries. And also pointing out how the 13-year-old must feel about all of this.
It’s not about girls’ toys and boys’ toys. It’s about family dynamics and finding what’s best for everyone. The columnist gets it! Spread the sentiment!
The Transcending Gender Project Opening Exhibition
Posted: November 11, 2014 Filed under: coming out | Tags: androgyny, art, art exhibition, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtqia, photography, portraits, queer, trans, transcending gender project, transgender 4 CommentsMy partner and I attended the opening exhibition for this ongoing project that has been really gaining momentum in the last few months. Rhys Harper launched an indiegogo campaign to raise funds for a cross-country road trip this summer, photographing trans and gender-non-conforming people along the way. The results are beautiful 24X36 inch black and white portraits, along with brief bios of each subject, to illustrate who they are as people, beyond their gender identities.
To learn more about this project, (and find out how to get involved!) here is the website: The Transcending Gender Project and also a Huffington Post article and interview.
I first heard about the project in May and donated immediately to the campaign. We exchanged a few emails and then I met Rhys in person at the Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference. When he asked if I’d like to get my photo taken by him, I said, “yes, definitely.” Not realizing he was taking photos right there at the conference! (I think.) I said it more as, yes, let’s set that up! D’oh, haha. Since then, we’ve been messaging further, and I’m very much hoping to be a part of this ever expanding collection of photographs which are gaining visibility and audiences!
My partner and I made a trip of it this weekend – we went to a vegan restaurant, book store, art museum, Mediterranean restaurant, and then to the event. It was a blast; nice to get out of town. The art museum portion of the day was totally bizarre and surreal. The docent seemed surprised we wanted to pay the full $5 each suggested donation. No one else was in the museum except for her and a very friendly (and bored?) security guard. Or so we thought, until we headed toward the stairway to the bottom floor – there were loud banging noises and the sounds of screaming children en masse. I just kept visualizing a stampede of school-aged children horsing around and slamming into the glass cases housing invaluable ceramics. I wasn’t too far off – it was indeed a stampede of children, but they were contained within a “play area.”
priceless ceramic piece #1
priceless ceramic piece #2
We wandered around for a solid 2 hours, and were trailed by the guard for much of that time. She made sure to let us know we could take photos of the ceramics, as long as we didn’t use flash. She pointed out some specific ones to us, commenting, “this one fools a lot of people,” etc. She asked us if we’ve ever heard a player piano before (part of one of the exhibits) and we felt obligated to follow her back into a room we’d already been in, because the piano was rolling out the music. I asked her how many times the piano kicks on per day. She said, “three or four.” There was an A/V exhibit where you could record a 10 second digital video of yourself, while manipulating special effects. So, we went ahead and did that, and playback mode shows what you just recorded, followed by everyone else’s segments… Our block was followed by 10 seconds of the guard, pacing the room at a slight distance, all pixelated and swooping (she must have recorded herself earlier in the day). It was a distorted version of our real life experience, at the art museum. It was a moment.
The gallery event was incredible. Very well attended. Lots of snacks and drinks (I usually make a bee-line for the free snacks at these kinds of things). Seeing these images (many of which I’ve seen online) on these white walls, in person, felt really powerful. There’s an Episcopal nun. A fire fighter. An ex-military person. A cat rescuer. A MMA fighter. A DJ. And so many more. I think Rhys’s project is going to go far. He’s already going far! He recognized me right away, and we talked further about my being photographed in the future. We also talked about being introverts and stuff like that. He invited us to an after-party outing which was super nice, but we politely declined (since my partner and I are such introverts. Haha.)
me and Rhys!
The opening was a joint effort with Gavin Rouille, a conceptual and graphic artist living in Minneapolis. gavinlaurencerouille.wordpress.com. If you go to his website and click on “personal” (personal work), you’ll come upon a lot of really cool visual stuff.
lots of interactive and take-away materials! (apologies for the blurriness – this stuff is all on his website as well.)
The text on the card reads: “Dear friend, I am a boy. I am sure you did not realize this when you called me, ‘lady, girl, miss, she, her, or ma’am.’ In the past I have attempted to alert people of my gender identity in advance. Unfortunately, this causes them to react to me as pushy, or socially inappropriate. Therefore, my policy is to assume people don’t make these assumptions about me, and to distribute this card when they do. I regret any discomfort my presence is causing you just as I am sure you regret the discomfort your assumptions are causing me.”
Edit: I JUST saw this: this article about Rhys’s photos was published 2 hours ago in Cosmo. (!!!)
Cosmopolitan article: 14 Beautiful Photos That Will Change How You See Gender Forever
Thoughts on getting a diagnosis
Posted: November 6, 2014 Filed under: coming out | Tags: androgyny, diagnosis, gender, gender dysphoria, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtqia, mental health, non-binary, queer, therapy, top surgery, trans, transgender 25 CommentsLast week in therapy, I talked briefly about planning ahead for top surgery one day. I said that I might want to do this, maybe as early as this coming summer. That’s the most concrete thing I’ve ever said about the subject. She asked what some first steps would be, and I replied, “look into whether it would be covered by my insurance.” That’s kinda something that would really help frame it in my mind, the answer to that… She asked me how I’d do that, and I really floundered with the actual words I would use if I were for real making a phone call to insurance people.
It’s too sensitive and too hypothetical in my mind still, and I could barely even say, “female to male chest reconstruction surgery” out loud, just to her. She got it and said, “what you could do is find out the code for that type of surgery, and when you make the call, you can just ask about the code as opposed to using the words.” I said, ok, yes, I think I could do that. She said she would look it up for me and email me the code.
She ended up finding out a ton more info than just the code, on her own. She said certain info led to more questions and she ended up just calling. Basically, she got all the information for me, for which I am so grateful because it would have felt too emotional for me to do on my own, at this time. It is NOT covered by insurance. I’m not surprised. I told her that doesn’t change much – I’m still considering it.
We briefly talked about it again this week, and about gender identity in general. She said that some surgeons require a diagnosis of gender dysphoria for X amount of time in advance (glad she is doing the relevant research!), and should she be diagnosing me with that? This turned into a heated discussion (on my end), with the conclusion that I do not care about that, but I am OK with that, if it’s in order to help along a process. And that, again, I don’t really care to know what she is doing in that regard.
The idea of being diagnosed with a mental health label is contentious in my mind, and she knows this. She gets it. I’ll be writing about this further in my next blog post, probably next week. A teaser for what is to come: I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 17, and held onto that belief strongly for about 6 or so years. That’s a heavy duty label to be grappling with, unnecessarily.
My therapist is not a gender therapist, but she is doing right by me more than any other therapist I’ve ever had (and some have been gender therapists). There was a time where I thought – we both thought – I would need to go to a different therapist in order to progress with any medical transition steps (I did this in order to access testosterone, kinda unnecessarily in the end). I don’t think that anymore. Why can’t she be that person? I think she is getting on board with, she can be that person. We concluded recently that a big goal for therapy is to make some progress with transgender-related issues and decisions, and I said I would send her some more general information to get her started. I sent her the following resources:
Genderqueers, Gender Rebels, and OtherWise in the National Transgender Discrimination Survey
Trans Research Blog – a compilation of what is out there
Trans Bodies, Trans Selves – a great book to have on hand
Anyone have other essential resources?
More than once, she has said, where is the data? Where is the research that says this and this and this are best practices? And I just keep responding, There needs to be more research. And I just keep shrugging. IT DOES NOT EXIST. (Yet.) I don’t know whether she believed me initially, but she may be starting to realize it by now. It’s maddening how little is out there.
Do I think that I have gender dysphoria? Whoa. That is going to take way too long to pull apart right now. That’s probably for a future post! Do I mind being diagnosed with that for the purposes of having a wider selection of surgeons to choose from if I do decide to move forward with top surgery? Not at all! It’s close enough. (Although I do strongly, strongly wish more surgeons would get on board with the informed consent model.)
Edit: Now that I think about it, I’m sure I’ve already been diagnosed with gender dysphoria by my primary care physician (for my testosterone prescription) and probably at least one other therapist. To me, it all feels so arbitrary.
Janitors in pop culture #3 / awesome film about a transwoman
Posted: November 4, 2014 Filed under: Janitorial work | Tags: film festival, gender, gender identity, getting published, janitors, lgbtqia, movie review, mtf, queer, stereotypes, therapy, trans, transgender, writing 4 CommentsI recently was at an LGBT film festival and specifically planned ahead to catch a film from Finland called Open Up To Me (Kerron Sinulle Kaiken). If you want to see it, this blog post is going to contain details you might not want to read about in advance, just a heads up!
Super highly recommend this film. It follows the life of Maarit, a transwoman, for a few months, starting at the point of her last appointment with her gender therapist – the tone of that first scene, the therapist’s farewell message, is: now spread your wings and fly. Maarit had been forced through a lot of sacrifices in the process of becoming who she is. She is separated from her wife and estranged from her teenaged daughter (we get the sense the daughter is open and figuring this out for herself; it is the mother who is standing in the way.) She has moved away from where she once lived and worked as a school social worker. She now leads a lonely existence and works as a janitor within a huge office building.
There are only two or three scenes where she is depicted at her work (and it’s just her coming and going. Loading a van, pushing a cart full of supplies). The story is not about that work, other than utilizing it as a plot device for somewhere she has landed and is unhappy about. She (understandably) yearns to get back into her chosen profession of helping people as soon as possible. She wants this so badly that she ends up posing as a therapist (through a series of misunderstandings) while on the job.
Which brings me to a reason I loved this film… It falls back on some unpleasant tropes common to trans characters in the media, but it ends up twisting them and rising above those ideas, to portray Maarit as a very human, very real, complex, well… person.
Transperson as deceitful: Although Maarit deceives someone about her profession (and she quickly comes clean), she never once is attempting to deceive anyone about her transgender status. She is proud, self-assured, and upfront with those around her (on an as-needed basis), even in the face of speculation and slander, discrimination, and violence.
Transperson as hypersexual: Maarit is not portrayed as a hypersexual person. It is clear that she is looking for intimacy, emotional connections, and a long-term partner. Instead, some of the characters around her are hypersexualizing her, and that seems more about them and their own issues, rather than who she actually is as a person. The film makes this very clear.
Transperson as dangerous and/or tragic: Maarit is in a very difficult place (there are other aspects of her life that have fallen apart. I won’t give away every detail!) and there are certainly scenes where she is in over her head, where she is compromised, where she seems desperate. It feels realistic – it very much seems that some choices she makes are due to (and only due to) being pushed so far into a corner, and she’s just trying to find her way back to where she can live her life. Those choices are not about who she is, inherently. It’s circumstantial. Some of these scenes, although hard to watch, feel triumphant at the same time. For example, at one point, she is attacked by an ex-lover. She ends up punching him in the face and ending the attack. Awesome.
I’m so glad LGBT film festivals exist – opportunities to get out there and see films I wouldn’t have heard about otherwise. This year, I saw this one, and another trans-specific one (52 Tuesdays – sadly, I didn’t enjoy this one all that much. It felt overly melodramatic, the characters didn’t feel believable.) My partner and I have gone to other films over the years, and it’s interesting that it always seems like there’s films for men and films for women. We’ve been to films before where we’re the only ones in the theater who are not cis-men (that’s an assumption, of course, but over and over again, it has been very much divided, and it is so bizarre to me.) At these two films (which were both well attended), there was a very diverse cross-section. I liked that.
Also, the film festival puts out an annual literary anthology, and this year’s theme was personal pronouns. I submitted, and my piece was accepted! I’m now officially published, in an actual book with an ISBN # and everything!!!
The piece was a re-working of these two blog posts:
While I was “out,” part 2 – partly out of the closet, fully out of the loop
While I was “out,” part 3 – coming back
janitorqueer 