I was on a panel
Posted: February 4, 2016 Filed under: coming out, Writing | Tags: blogs, doctors, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, medical treatment, non-binary, Planned Parenthood, public speaking, top surgery, trans, transgender, writing 10 CommentsI’m much more of a writer than a conversationalist – and definitely not a public speaker. Tons of people have a fear of public speaking. I don’t mind being in front of audiences, so at least I have that first hurdle out of the way. I just have a fear that I won’t be able to talk naturally and coherently. Despite this, I’ve had aspirations for a long time to verbally share my experiences, be on panels, join the speakers’ bureau, etc. I’ve talked a few times in front of audiences, mostly as part of drag performances. I’ve gotten around the talking thing by preparing statements ahead of time, reading out loud what I’ve written.
I’ve never seen someone on a panel read before, but I figured, I could do it! Why not? I had seen a message posted to a facebook group, from an acquaintance who works for Planned Parenthood. She was organizing a half-day of training about trans-healthcare for the PP health center staff: clinicians, nurses, health center managers and front desk staff. It was going to include a 45 minute panel, and she was looking for trans-people to talk about their experiences with health services – both positive and negative.
I thought my recent consultations with surgeons for top surgery would illustrate a stark contrast, so I emailed her about it and included links to these two posts:
She wrote back saying it’d be great to have me, and I could certainly read out loud. Over the weekend, I edited these so they’d work better spoken out loud, and I tried to cut them down shorter. Because, dang, they seemed short when I wrote them, but it takes more time than you’d think to read things out loud!
I arrived at the venue Monday morning, and I wasn’t even that nervous! I recognized one of the other people on the panel, which was cool. The third person came in shortly after, and we introduced ourselves – her name is Leah.
I went first to get it out of the way; I introduced myself and then just launched into it. I think, in retrospect, that I was talking too loudly (definitely not quite my natural speaking voice) but, that’s OK – better too loud than too quiet I guess. The other two people went, and they both did an awesome job speaking off the cuff. We answered a bunch of questions, and I was grateful that the person on the other side of me naturally answered first, giving me time to formulate something to say. It all went really well – people had great questions! (As an interesting aside, there were about 75 people in the audience, and it appeared to be made up of 1 man / 74 women.)
The organizer then presented us with gift bags and gift cards, which was awesome! I feel like the norm is that panel participants are just volunteering, so that was awesome that we were compensated. We lingered while the group wrapped up their training, ate some bagels and had some coffee, and then stuck around in case anyone had any further questions. No one did, but we got lots of compliments and thanks, as people were leaving.
This was totally worthwhile and something I’d like to do more of. I’m not sure how I will transition from reading things into actually becoming a speaker, but, well, it’s something to work on.
The next day, one of the bloggers that I’ve been following for a while, The Overflowing Closet, wrote this post (as part of the 30 day trans-challenge she’s doing: Day 8 – “How do you deal with being misgendered in the beginning of transitioning by people?” She started by saying, “Yesterday I gave a talk in front of 75 medical staff and personnel about my experiences being transgender and seeking medical help. The crowd was filled with people who wanted to provide better services for trans people, and one of their biggest concerns was misgendering people.”
I suddenly realized that the Leah I had met the day before is the same Leah whose blog I’ve been reading! Has this ever happened to you? Where you’re reading a blog and then you meet someone and then you connect the dots in between? Such a cool experience! I contacted her to see if I could share this, and she said of course.
So hey, here’s to making something out of all this writing and online connecting with people!
I came out to my supervisor
Posted: January 27, 2016 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, janitors, lgbtq, manual labor, non-binary, queer, trans, transgender, work 14 CommentsI am on a roll! It feels like the end of “coming out at work” is in sight. This may have been the biggest hurdle, because it seemed the most unpredictable – I wasn’t sure how she’d react. Or rather, I could deduce how she might react at different times – I just had to make sure to pick a good time…
She had been out on medical leave for 6 weeks, and I expected there to be a transitional period when she came back. So I didn’t plan / put any pressure on myself to say anything in the foreseeable future. But once she was back, I realized it did seem to be good timing. I dreaded approaching her while she was in her office (if I could even catch her in there). It seemed so daunting to start such a conversation from scratch, but that’s exactly what I planned on doing, since we’d be in a semi-private location.
Last Wednesday, however, I was running the auto-scrubber in the cafeteria, when she came up to me to explain some extra work my co-worker and I would be doing that night. I then turned the auto-scrubber back on, but she came back to me with something else. She had some news about someone who used to teach at our school years ago. She was relating to me as another worker with history in the building, something she has never done before. Sort of, “I knew you’d remember her, so I thought I’d tell you.” It was a bonding moment, as much as seems possible between us. I realized, this is the time to tell her! We were already conversing (not a common thing) and all I have to do is segue, as opposed to start from nothing.
I said, “Oh, I’ve got two things to run by you.” I told her about surgery and needing time off first. She was totally fine with that and didn’t ask any questions. I was concerned she might. I dreaded telling her I was taking off more time, since I took so much time last year. It went so smoothly! Then I added that I have something else that is more of a long-term thing. I told her I’m changing my name and pronouns to he/him/his. That I already have, in fact, except for at work. She said that this must be a long term thing because this is the first she’s heard of it! I assured her she was one of the first people I’m telling. (I strongly suspect that she already knew something, because I came out to the head of the kitchen a couple of months ago, and they talk about everything. That may have been somewhat strategic on my part.)
The rest of the conversation centered around her advising me about what I would be able to do, when. She said I’d have to wait until I’ve legally made changes. Then I should go to the principal, and she will deal with it in her own way. I don’t believe I do need to wait until my name is legally changed (and I’m not planning to change my gender), and I think I have some say about how I come out and when, but I’m not about to jump ahead to the next steps anytime soon anyway. I told her I am going by Kameron, and she even said, “I like it.”
We wrapped up the conversation, which went so well, considering. I turned the auto-scrubber back on and could not stop smiling. I had been dreading this for so long, and it just organically occurred in the moment. I was on turbo charge for the rest of the day. In my mind, I kept jumping ahead to what I would have to do next, and then reminding myself to just be in this moment, and feel this elation that doing this thing had created.
I really can’t envision what I’ll be doing next. Which means I should just wait for a while until it seems clear. (It would be talking to the principal again – something I can tell I’m not ready for right now.)
For now – WHEEEEEEE!
Other related posts:
I came out to the head of the kitchen
A full year later / making major changes
Posted: January 21, 2016 Filed under: mental health, Testosterone | Tags: anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbtq, mental health, non-binary, queer, testosterone, transgender 7 CommentsRight around this time of day one year ago, I was just getting out of the hospital. I remember the out-take process was long / we had to wait on meeting with certain people first. I was so antsy to go, that once we finished something at the front console, I went to open the door to leave. I didn’t think about the fact that you had to be buzzed out! Oh yeah, no coming and going as we please – I forgot…
I got coffee at a snack bar on the way out, and we went home. I was super up and psyched to be out of there. It wasn’t till later that I got depressed. For a full year, more or less.
Within the past month, I’ve made some major changes that are impacting my mental health. I currently feel better than my baseline. We’ll see if this lasts.
I changed medications: I had been on Geodon, Wellbutrin, and Klonopin (for sleeping). I didn’t think the drugs were doing anything; I still felt shitty, and in December, it was getting worse again. I was having vague suicidal thoughts and was having trouble making it through my daily routine. I talked about this in therapy, and my therapist asked if I would talk to my new psychiatrist about it. I said, “Yeah, but what can she do? What else is there to try?” It seemed hopeless – I’ve been on so many drugs, and overall nothing had ever worked out long-term. My therapist just said that she might have some ideas. So at my next appointment, I did talk to her, and she suggested switching off of the Geodon onto something else. She listed a few, told me about what they work best for and what side effects accompany them, and left it up to me to pick one, basically. I said Seroquel, but I couldn’t really tell you why. I didn’t have much faith. I did the tapering off /ramping up thing, and surprisingly, right when I hit a certain dose of the Seroquel, my day got way way better. And then the next day. And the next. And now it’s been 23 straight days where I have felt free of crippling anxiety and vague suicidal thoughts. I feel present in my body, and I am looking forward to simple things that make my day more interesting / better. Like listening to a radio show, or going to get a bagel, or just, anything that previously would not have brought me any extra joy. I’m kind of floored by this. I’ve never had this experience with a drug before. We’ll see if it lasts…
I went off testosterone: I had been increasing my dose for a while, but it was a fine line between looking for more masculinizing changes and worrying about my hairline receding. (It had started to.) I found myself obsessing about my hairline and feeling negatively about testosterone. I felt stuck and stressed. Eventually, I decided, why don’t I just go off it for now and stop all the worrying. I have my whole life to figure out if I want to look more masculine or not – it doesn’t have to happen right now. So I stopped, and I felt better. I worried I might hate feeling colder or having less energy or having more aches and pains or experiencing a drop in mood. But none of those things happened. I haven’t been looking for anything to be different, and as a result (partly) nothing feels different. (I’ve been reading this book about expectations and beliefs and how much our judgement gets clouded – maybe testosterone hadn’t been doing much for me if I hadn’t been looking at what I thought it was doing. This is convoluted, and of course there’s more to it – it’s a powerful hormone! – but so far, so good.)
I stopped going to therapy: I have been going to therapy consistently for 4 years. Much of that time was weekly, sometimes we scaled back to every 2 or 3 weeks. The past few times recently, I didn’t know what we were doing / didn’t know what to talk about / we were going in circles. All of a sudden, it occurred to me that maybe I didn’t need to go. And instead of that thought freaking me out, it settled in and felt right. So on Tuesday, I talked to my therapist about it, and she said it sounded like a great idea. We wrapped some things up for now, with little fanfare, and she made sure the door was open if I ever want to go back. I imagine I probably will, but for now, I had just been spinning my wheels, and it feels good to put an end to that. Maybe I can focus more on other areas of my life…
Considering how unstable I’ve been for a long time, these are some pretty huge changes. And I am finally starting to look forward to what’s ahead!
I came out to my co-worker
Posted: January 7, 2016 Filed under: coming out, top surgery | Tags: coming out, ftm, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, top surgery, trans, transgender, work 3 CommentsI have been coming out to my (newer) co-worker in stages, over the last year or so. At first, I just wanted him to stop calling me “honey” and “girl.” So I told him that. He asked about “brother” and “man,” and I said those were fine. He easily made that switch. I think he saw me as a butch lesbian.
He initially used to talk to me about his gay step-son, but over time, that changed into him talking about his transgender step-daughter. She is transitioning while in high-school; I can’t imagine the stress of that! My co-worker seems supportive if not a little critical about how she chooses to present herself. So, with that door opened, I’ve talked to him about how I don’t feel either male or female. He has asked if I would make medical changes, and I have been vague.
About 2 months ago, we were in the faculty lounge, and the newspaper was on the table. The front page had an article about a new radio station I was getting involved in. So I pointed it out to him and told him I’m a DJ. He was super supportive and excited, asking me how he could listen, if he could come down and check it out, what I was playing, and if I had a radio handle. I suddenly felt cornered because I don’t have a DJ name, I’m just going by Kameron, which is not the name I go by at work (yet.) But that feeling melted away into, “it will be fine to tell him.” So I did – told him I use a different name on the radio and outside of work, and I talked to him about how I would like to switch and use this name at work too, but it’s hard. I also said I go by male pronouns. He took it all in stride, more excited about the radio thing than anything else.
He has started to call me “Kam” when no one else is around. I do not promote the use of “Kam” as a nickname, but coming from him, it is endearing.
Then last week, we were talking about his step-daughter again, and I segued the conversation into how I will be getting top-surgery. (I had mentioned this once before, hypothetically, and he seemed confused, wondering if I was going bigger or smaller – because it probably seems like I have nothing there.) I figured he is one of the few people I would fill in about why I am going out of work, and the sooner I can get some of that out of the way, the better. I expressed my anxiety about telling our supervisor and about coming out at work in general. And about what to say to whom. It does feel good to be able to be open with one person at work, at least.
Yesterday, for the first time ever, I could clearly see the steps it would take to come out at work. And it felt like I could actually do this. Currently, my supervisor is out of work, so I’m not going to be doing anything about it anytime soon. I feel like talking to her is the biggest hurdle. If I could do that, the rest definitely seems do-able. Part of me wants to skip talking to her, and just let her know via email, like everyone else, but I don’t think that would be wise…
Year end / I scheduled top surgery
Posted: December 30, 2015 Filed under: coming out, Janitorial work, mental health, Testosterone, top surgery | Tags: coming out, depression, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, mental health, non-binary, queer, testosterone, top surgery, trans, transgender, work 13 Comments2015 has been one of the hardest years of my life. I was majorly depressed for 4 months of it. I was moderately depressed for the vast majority of the rest of it. I was out of work for a total of 2 months due to mental health issues. I was in the hospital, and I was also in a partial hospitalization program. I did do some fun things (like camping, going to Pittsburgh, marching in the pride parade, adopting 2 cats, going to the beach 3 weekends in a row, becoming a radio DJ, seeing Sleater-Kinney) but they failed to feel like much fun. I’m only now starting to feel like myself for extended periods of time. For example, today and yesterday (but not the day before), I felt like a person in a normal mood, and that felt great. I hope tomorrow feels like that too! I started on a new medication 2 weeks ago, and I’m really hoping something clicks…
I wrote a similar post last year, and I summed up gender-related stuff this way:
“I continued to settle into a new and improved place with hormone therapy and talk therapy, but I’m finding I still have a LONG way to go until I really am where I see myself. I want to be out as non-binary in all areas of my life. I want to go by a different name. I want all the people who know me to use male pronouns in reference to me, not just most of the people… I might want top surgery…”
I made some pretty big strides – I started to go by a different name, and now all my friends and about half of my family use that name. It’s still growing on me – it feels about equally as strange as my former name feels, now, but that is actually progress. Currently it feels like neither name really is my name, but I think that’ll shift with more time.
This year I went from feeling like I might want top surgery to scheduling a date! This feels like my biggest accomplishment, based on the amount of mental headspace this topic has been taking up. I’ll be going to Dr. Rumer on June 1st. I chose this date because I purposefully want to miss certain things by being out of work. I really do not like working in the summers, and I especially have a hard time with the transition from school-year to summer. I have a lot of sick time accrued, and I plan to use a lot. Often, people can be back at a desk job 2 weeks after surgery, but since my job is so physical, I plan on being out for 8 weeks, as of now. Why not?! That’ll allow me to miss the last 3 weeks of school plus half of the summer. That would be really amazing.
So if I were to sum up gender-related stuff now, a year later, it’d look like this: I want to be out as non-binary in all areas of my life (still). I want to come out at work, so that pretty much everyone will be using my new name and male pronouns in reference to me. No more dual identities. I want to get through the ordeal of surgery without too much psychic pain (physical pain is fine). I want to wear t-shirts! I want to make up my mind about testosterone – take more? take less? go off of it? I want to legally change my name at some point…
These are not resolutions, but it will be neat to go back and see if I made more progress or not.
Other things I’d like to focus on in the coming year:
– Getting back to being more social. Being social this year was too difficult, so I didn’t push it. I’ve been a little more talkative with teachers at work lately, and I’d like to re-connect with some people, both locally and through writing letters to far-away friends.
– Enjoying the summer. I never enjoy the summer – I usually get depressed. But since I’ll be most likely out of work for half of it, maybe I’ll feel it more. I’d like to do a road trip, more time at the beach for sure, maybe some backyard fires, weatherproof our picnic table and actually use it, and go on walks.
– Taking more photos. My dad gave me a new camera for my birthday/xmas, and I want to use it!
– Giving myself a break. I’ve been pretty hard on myself, and I’m going to try not to be (as much).
2.75 years on T (2 weeks off)
Posted: December 18, 2015 Filed under: Testosterone, Uncategorized | Tags: androgyny, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender, transition 9 CommentsThis 3 month period has been the most turbulent in terms of applying Androgel. I had increased my dose over the summer from 1 to 2 pumps, and then in October I increased to 3 pumps. From November 19 – Deceember 5, I was off T completely, something I had not done since I started. And then starting December 5, I went back on at 4 pumps.
The reason for the increases is that I’m looking for some masculinizing changes to happen. They haven’t yet, even though I have quadrupled my dose. Maybe I just need to be more patient. I got a blood test done yesterday and have a doctor’s appointment on Monday – I will be super curious to see what my testosterone levels are at. I feel like I should be well within the male range. If I continue to not see changes, I may have to decide to switch to injections, but I hope I don’t have to. I’m not looking for a drastic change, and I’m surprised this dose, which I believe is within the standard range for someone transitioning, isn’t doing anything. Maybe it’s just still too early.
The reason I stopped T for about 2 weeks was because I’m told that in order to get top surgery, the surgeon should be telling you to be off T before and also after, to help prevent blood clotting. The surgeon I’m looking into requires being off T for a total of a month. I’d never tried being off T before, and I wasn’t about to try it for a first time right as I’m gearing up for a major life event. So I thought I’d do a practice run. It didn’t go too well. Maybe some of it was in my head, but I did not feel all that great. (Although, I have to say I don’t feel great right now either; of course countless factors contribute to how you feel.) I definitely felt like my body hurt more, I didn’t feel like eating as much (something I have trouble with anyway), and I felt colder, for sure. My mood plummeted, but it was still within a range I could tolerate… I might do another practice run at some point to feel more confident about it; I do not like the idea of being off T in order to have surgery, but I know it’s important.
Here are some past posts in this series. In earlier posts, I talked a lot more about the effects of testosterone. I guess it’s starting to get a bit redundant!
2.25 years
1.5 years
1 year
8 months
5 months
And, as always, some pictures of my face:
2.75 years (I need to cut my hair!)
2 years
1.75 years
1 year
Guest post – Kale
Posted: December 14, 2015 Filed under: coming out, Testosterone | Tags: gender, gender identity, genderqueer, guest post, hormone replacement therapy, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender 2 Comments
This is Kale with their partner, and a pitcher plant. Kale is the one wearing the hat.
And I guess I should start by saying that though I’m not experiencing any noticeable changes specifically from T, I have definitely noticed changes in my overall well-being from the moment I decided that I was ready to start taking T. It was kinda like this relief that, well, things might start to make more sense soon. So, I’m genderqueer, I have started calling my gender “confusion”, the act of feeling comfortable when people do not see me as male or female but instead are confused by my gender presentations. In my dream world children always ask me if I’m a boy or a girl and adults give me weird looks and avoid using pronouns for me. For the past two years I’ve gone by Kale and have used they/them pronouns when I feel like I can express that desire to others (I have a really hard time with coming out as GQ). In those two years I have increasingly struggled with who I am.
I came out to the head of the kitchen at my school (workplace)
Posted: November 30, 2015 Filed under: coming out | Tags: coming out, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, school, top surgery, trans, transgender, work 5 CommentsAbout 7 months ago, I came out to the principal at school. She asked me what she could do, and at the time I said nothing right now, but eventually I’d like to send out an email and go by a new name and male pronouns. I still cannot foresee when this email might happen, but I did get myself one step closer a couple of weeks ago.
I was filling in for my supervisor (working during the day while school is in session) and so I had some time to drink coffee in the kitchen and stuff. About a year ago, I told the head of the kitchen that I was getting testosterone from my doctor (because I was leaving to go to an appt. that day), and that I don’t feel like either a man or a woman. She didn’t say much at the time, but it felt pretty exhilarating to tell her anyway. She was also the first person at work I told I was getting married. One week before the date. I barely see her unless we’re working together over the summer, but over the years and years and years, I feel somewhat close to her, closer than anyone else probably.
So we were sitting drinking coffee, and this was around the time I was going to be taking a day off to travel outside of Philly to go to a consultation for top surgery. We were talking about the time off my co-worker was taking, so I just said that I’m taking a day off and I told her why. At first she was surprised and asked me why I would be getting surgery (she might have thought I had breast cancer?). I explained that I don’t like my chest the way it is, and I talked to her again about how I don’t feel like either a man or a woman. We talked about what she’d do if she did have breast cancer, and we talked about people who have gotten breast reductions. I then told her I’d like to go by male pronouns and a new name at work, but I’m just not there yet. She said, “Well you need to do what will make you comfortable.” Then a teacher came in needing something, so the conversation was over. But I was pretty much in disbelief I was able to tell her all this. It wasn’t premeditated like talking to the principal was. And she seemed to react positively.
Normally at work, I don’t see her because our shifts overlap by only about a half hour, and I don’t really have a reason to go say hi every day. But a couple of days after my trip, she came and found me and asked me about how it went. It made me feel really good – I did not expect a follow-up. I told her the out of town consultation went really well, and the one with the local surgeon did not go well. She name dropped a local plastic surgery practice that might do what I’m looking for, and I found out later through a facebook group that some trans-guys have gone to one of the plastic surgeons. Not sure whether I would pursue that or not, but it was nice she was thinking of me.
I’m not sure what’s holding me back from coming out at work, exactly, but it does feel like these spontaneous conversations are just more natural than a mass coming out email would be. I still think the email is necessary because I can’t talk to every person (or even more than a couple), but it just feels daunting…
Top surgery consultation #2
Posted: November 6, 2015 Filed under: top surgery | Tags: androgyny, ftm, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, medical treatment, non-binary, queer, self-injury, surgeon, top surgery, trans, transgender 27 CommentsContent warning: discussion of self-injury.
On Monday, I traveled to consult with Dr. Rumer, and the appointment went well. In stark contrast, I had a terrible consultation with a local surgeon, at a cancer center, yesterday. She mainly works with breast cancer patients, and the mail / paperwork I received in advance reflected this. (The center could easily draft up non-cancer related documents for trans-clients!)
I was there for a total of an hour and 45 minutes – lots of waiting! When I got there, I filled out paperwork about my breast cancer diagnosis. I just put N/A for a lot of it. Here’s a sampling of questions I was prompted to answer:
– What do you know about your diagnosis?
– Previous breast history?- Some cancers are more prevalent in persons of different racial and ethnic backgrounds. The following information will help us to better understand your potential risk in developing certain types of cancers and to understand your prognosis. [Followed by questions about ethnicity.]
– What percentage of waking hours do you spend up and about?
– more than 50%
– less thank 50% – I am confined to a bed or chair
– I am completely disabled, totally confined to a bed or chair
On the phone, when I scheduled the appointment, the woman was sensitive to the reason I was coming in, and to the fact I hadn’t legally changed my name yet. Regardless, that didn’t translate over to the present day, and I was called by my birth name and even, “Mrs. [last name].” I don’t think I’ve ever before been called “Mrs. [last name].”
I finally was brought up to the breast cancer suite and my vitals were taken. I waited in an exam room and a nurse came in and went over some of the questions with me. She left for a while and came back, saying, “let’s fill out this paperwork.” This one WAS relevant to why I was there. I asked her, “Why was I filling out papers for breast cancer patients?” She replied, “Oh, well, they just gave you the wrong one down stairs.” No big deal… ???
She left and a doctor with an intern student came in. The doctor asked if it was OK if the student was present, and introduced her. She then asked, “Are you so-and-so?” I said no I’m not. She said, “oops, sorry, wrong room.” I sat there waiting a while longer and finally the surgeon came in with TWO student interns. At no point did she ask for my consent for them to be present. They introduced themselves and we got started. She started by putting words in my mouth – “So you’ve felt this way since you were a teenager. That’s when you started feeling different…” I just let her roll with that. She asked about mental health, suicidal thoughts, and even self-injury. I’m not sure why. She asked very little about gender identity. I answered her questions honestly, including that I’ve had vague suicidal thoughts, and I used to use self-injury as a coping mechanism.
She then said they were going to leave the room and prompted me to put the robe on. They were gone a very long time. They all came back, rubbing hand sanitizer into their hands. I had a flash fear thought – are all these people going to be touching me?!!! Fortunately only the surgeon touched me, but the presence of all these people was enough for me to check out for this part of the appointment. A few things that registered:
– She commented on my tattoo, asking if that was magic marker – it looked like marker. ???
– She talked a lot while I was sitting there half exposed. She described the procedure she would do, and manipulated my breast in her hand to demonstrate it. I looked down briefly, and seeing her grabbing my breast was totally surreal. She was talking at my chest, and not to my face. I was poked and prodded a lot more than seemed necessary.
– She actually said to me, “This scar, is this from cutting?” I could not believe I was being asked this. I was in shock.
– I was aware of interns in the background, watching this whole thing. They were fuzzy.
– I said to her, “I’m just in the consultation phase, and I have some questions for you.” This changed the dynamic and she wrapped up the part where I was sitting there, vulnerable.
When this part was finally over, they left and I got dressed. I waited a very long time again. When they came back, I went through my list of questions. She has a year and a half of experience working with trans-patients (really?!!), and does chest masculinizing surgeries a couple times per month. She requires patients to be off T one week before and one week after surgery. 50% of patients will immediately retain nipple sensation, and 80% will eventually over time regain sensation. She could not show me any examples of her work that would be related to my surgery type. She could not tell me how much it would cost, not even a ballpark estimate.
Before leaving, I gave her feedback. I told her how I had been misgendered by the staff. She conceded that they needed to work on that. I also, in front of the students, said, “As someone who is transgender, I have gender dysphoria around my naked body. These may not be the best types of appointments to have students present. It felt like I had an audience, and I didn’t feel comfortable being partially exposed.” She responded, “Thank you for that feedback.” I understand she might not have control over when she has interns with her, but she could CERTAINLY ask for consent, or ask that the interns not be present for the naked part. I wanted to give her more personal feedback, such as, “It’s not appropriate to comment on my body,” but in the end I didn’t go there. I just couldn’t right then.
This surgeon and the staff could benefit from some trans-related training, particularly to the sensitivities trans-people may feel about their naked bodies, specifically chests. Make it short and sweet!
Top surgery consultation #1
Posted: November 3, 2015 Filed under: top surgery | Tags: androgyny, dr. rumer, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, surgeon, top surgery, trans, transgender 14 CommentsI traveled to Ardmore, PA and met with Dr. Rumer yesterday. The consultation went well overall, and it’s prompted me to start looking at lots of top surgery photos online, something I’ve done in the past, but without much of a framework or focus.
She’s located in a college town / upscale suburb of Philadelphia, and her office / house(?) is a white brick old Victorian creepy looking place. Very apt for visiting 2 days after Halloween. There is street parking, and you have to get buzzed in. I was envisioning a medical center of some sort, but this place had the vibe of a hair salon – everything was whites, greys, and black, very sleek and futuristic looking. The receptionist offered me something to drink. I arrived early and was seen by the nurse practitioner right away. She also offered me some water or coffee.
We went over my medical history I had filled out online in advance. I guess I forgot to add in testosterone under “medications,” and she understandably assumed I wasn’t on T. When I said I am on a low dose, she added that information. (Being on T is NOT a requirement for getting top surgery.) She also asked about how I identify, if I could provide a letter from a mental health professional (required), if I have legally changed my name, am I out to everyone in my life, and how long have I gone by male pronouns. There were no issues or clarifications with any of my answers: That I am not FTM, I identify as non-binary, I can get a letter, I have not legally changed my name, I’m out to everyone except work, and I’ve gone by male pronouns for close to 10 years. (That got a “wow” out of her, haha.) I’m glad she didn’t ask me about gender dysphoria or how I felt about my chest, because I wouldn’t have known what to say / didn’t have a statement prepared. Even though it seems like if I’ve made it this far, I should be able to articulate that!!!
She made sure I understood that I would be putting on an oversized paper vest momentarily and that Dr. Rumer would be looking at my chest. Was I OK with that? I said yes I expected as much.
She said she’d be back with Dr. Rumer, and gave me a moment to put on the vest. They re-entered, Dr. Rumer said, “Nice to see you again.” (Presumably because I’d said I’d heard of her through the Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference, although I didn’t go to any of her presentations or actually meet her.) She looked at my chest for literally one second (I’m glad it was so brief) and declared I could go with peri-areolar if I wanted. Is that what I wanted? I said yeah, probably.
From there, she showed me a few slides about what to expect, and she showed me two before and after pictures. The only disappointing aspect of this appointment was I asked her, “Do you have more pictures?” and she replied that she doesn’t really because they are all the same. I was pretty dissatisfied with that – it gave me the feeling that these were the two best that she had hand picked to present. I would have liked to see a dozen examples of peoples’ chests; there aren’t that many online.
Other than that, she was very friendly and personable and she answered all my questions thoroughly.
- What are the odds of retaining nipple sensation? Only less than 1% will not retain sensation. (Those odds seem too good to be believed; I’m not sure I totally believe her!)
- How many appointments are required? A lot! One a week before surgery, one a week after surgery, then a few at different intervals (I can’t remember) and one at the one year mark. For people out of town, most of them can occur over skype if everything is going smoothly. The only necessary travel is for the surgery itself, then a week after, and then a year after.
- Do you have to go off T before surgery? Yes, you have to be off T 2 weeks leading up and 2 weeks post-surgery. Why is this? Because of risks of excess bleeding. I feel resistant about this and still don’t quite understand, but I’ve heard it before and would have to accept it.
- How long can I be out of work? I have a very physical job. She would write me a letter to go back whenever I want, especially since I have sick time accrued and wouldn’t be on disability. I’d probably look at 6-8 weeks.
- Do you resize nipples? She resizes areolas, and nipples retract on their own.
- The total costs she quoted me, including staying 2 nights in her office(?) / home(?) / guest rooms is $7,480. That seems on par with other surgeons, maybe a little on the high side.
I have another consultation on Thursday with a local surgeon. I will be curious how the two compare.
janitorqueer 