2.25 years on T without noticeable masculinizing changes
Posted: June 18, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: androgyny, depression, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbtq, mental health, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender 8 CommentsThis post is going to be a little bit of a bummer. If you want to read more uplifting posts in the series, here are a couple:
2 years on T
1.5 years on T
1 year on T
5 months on T
I guess I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing with testosterone. I consider stopping it. I consider just remaining on the same dose. I consider doubling my dose. All these options seem like good ideas, and I can’t really forsee what’s next.
If I stopped taking testosterone: At this point, I’ve gotten used to all the good things I’ve felt from testosterone. And I’m partially convinced the effects have worn off. But that is probably the depression talking – I have been through a lot in the last 6 months, and testosterone couldn’t save me from depression and anxiety. Which makes me wonder what effect it is having. A part of me wants to discontinue it just to be reminded why I am on it. I’ve felt this way about psychotropic drugs in the past – what are they actually doing for me? I feel relatively sure I’ll remember pretty quickly that testosterone is good – a part of me feels like I need that reassurance. Also, I’m starting to notice I’m losing some hair at my temples, so a knee-jerk reaction is to stop before I lose more hair. I’m on such a low dose that I believe this change will plateau out like other changes have plateaued out, but I gotta admit it’s freaking me out.
If I stayed on the same dose: This is working for me, so why not stay with the status quo? Everyone (my doctor, my therapist) is telling me that because I’ve had so much instability and med changes, I should stay on the same dose for continuity – don’t mess with one more thing, physiologically and psychologically. Makes sense.
If I doubled my dose: I have been wanting to do this. I am curious to see. It’d be nice to see some more changes happening. I’d like to see my voice get a little deeper. I’d like to see myself gain a little more muscle mass. I want to be seen as male by strangers more than I currently am. I want to see if it’ll make me feel even more warm and fuzzy and at peace, internally. Just, I want something new! (I’m afraid of more facial hair and a receding hairline though).
It just feels like I’m at an impasse. Of course you don’t get to pick and choose what changes happen. But, I do feel like I can control the rate, which is nice. If I had to make a plan of action, I’d say I’ll be staying on the same dose for a while (a few months), during which time I’ll be aiming to get myself off of some of these medications and continue to stabilize (hopefully). Then I’ll double my dose, at least for a little while, and I’ll obsessively be checking my hairline…
Lastly, for now, a couple of comparison photos:
2.25 years
2 years
1 year
“Passing” at work
Posted: June 12, 2015 Filed under: Passing | Tags: androgyny, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, janitors, kids, lgbtq, non-binary, passing, queer, school, trans, transgender, work 8 CommentsIt’s been a while since I’ve written anything about work. During my depression, I was in and out of work a few times, totaling 8 weeks of sick leave. It’s been difficult to get back into the swing of things. Some changes were made, and I wasn’t in the best place to acclimate to new routines. It’s starting to get a little better, just in time to get disrupted again for summer cleaning (switching from an afternoon/night shift to a day shift starting the week after next.)
But this post isn’t really about that work stuff. It’s about something that brightened my day yesterday. A parent of a student saw me as male, and it made my day. I know the term “passing” is problematic because it connotes a deception is taking place and it sets up a discrepancy amongst those who “pass” and those who don’t – it shouldn’t be about that! We are who we are. Despite all this, I really like the word and feel like it describes my experience.
Here’s a few past posts where I talk about it:
Recent instances of passing
Passing as a teenager yet again
Thirty-one year old kid working as a school janitor
Rumors flying around the kindergarten classroom
I feel like people generally see me as female. I gotta say I’m even (very pleasantly) surprised when I’m seen as male; I feel I am not masculine enough. When I am seen as male, “passing” accurately describes the experience, because I am not male (I am definitely not female either).
Yesterday, a dad and his son approached me while I was cleaning. The son forgot his spelling homework and had to get access to his classroom. I said sure and which room and we went there. I unlocked the door, turned on the lights, and stood waiting, because that’s what we’re supposed to do. The kid came back from his desk with a book but no spelling homework. The dad asked,
“Where’s your homework?”
The kid sputtered, “I guess when we were clearing out our desks I must have put it in my bag? But I do need this book.”
“So we just bothered this gentleman for no reason?”
I said, “That’s totally fine. At least you got your book!”
The dad continued, “Tell him you’re sorry.”
“Sorry.”
“Not a problem. You guys have a good night.”
I was conversing with these people and spending more than a second in their presence. And the dad saw me as male!!! And whether the kid knows I’m biologically female (I’m not out at work… yet!) he didn’t say anything one way or the other. It felt really validating. I held onto that feeling as long as I could.
In other news, the NY Times is giving trans-people an opportunity to tell their story in 400 words or less. It’s totally awesome! Here’s the link to what’s out there already, and a chance to share your own story: Tell your story. I already told my story!
Winding down from the Philly Trans-Health Conference 2015
Posted: June 9, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: conference, ftm, gender, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference, queer, trans, transgender 7 CommentsI had a really great time; it went better than I thought it would. I was doing better. We were there for all 3 days for the first time ever, which allowed us to space out our time differently – not spend the entire day there and feel burn-out, yet still get to a lot of workshops.
This post is going to have a lot of links because lots of exciting things are going on!
I met some people! I got to meet Jamie, Lesboi, and Captain Glittertoes. I also saw Nathan again after meeting him last year – he’s putting together an anthology through Transgress Press called Voices of Transgender Parents. If you know anyone who is a trans-parent, direct them here to find out more: Call for Submissions. I met someone named Elliott (if you’re reading this, I’d love to connect online but am not sure how to find you…) It’s a surreal and rare experience to meet someone who’s blog you’ve been reading for a long time, especially if you have no idea what they look like in real life!
Here’s a breakdown of the workshops I attended and a brief summary of what I got out of them:
Non-Binary Talk: Let’s Make Friends – This was an informal space for people to share their experiences and connect by raising their hands and taking turns. The room was packed! It was really hard to hear a lot of what people said, and unfortunately no one suggested using the microphone on hand. Someone near me said something I’d never heard before – they said they identify as demi-gender, meaning their gender expression matches their gender assigned at birth, they just don’t totally feel that way internally.
Below the Belt: A Frank Discussion of Trans Male Genitalia – This workshop was led by Trystan Cotten, the founder of Transgress Press. He led the room in generating a long list of topics and concerns, and then we picked a few to discuss further. There was a huge range in what was brought up – it was only minimally about genital surgeries. We talked about hysterectomies and the options within that, reproductive issues, how trans-men relate to or don’t relate to their junk, menstruation, etc. It was really well organized and facilitated.
Results from the TransYouth Family Allies Research (TYFA) Study – This is a groundbreaking collection of data that illuminates what’s going on for trans-youth and their families. Unfortunately, I walked in late and missed the segment talking about the results, but another blog writer sums it up here: Results from TYFA study. I did learn that another survey is in the works to glean more information. The first online survey was 117 parents, mostly white moms (only 6 dads). They are planning both a longitudinal follow-up from the first study, and also a 2nd cohort to touch on gender fluidity and non-binary identities, delve further into self-harm and suicidality, and harassment and discrimination.
The Rebirth of Paris Documentary – A very well done update of where the ballroom scene has been and is currently, since Paris is Burning. Directed by Seven King.
The Future of Gender Queer – This was the first of two non-binary-related workshops that I went to, one right after the other. They were very different. This one was moderated by Ignacio Rivera, who I look up to as someone doing amazing research in the field of non-binary identities. Last year, I was blown away by their presentation of “A Gender Not Listed Here.” They are currently working on a 2nd, follow-up survey at the National Center for Transgender Equality. It is going to be available mid August at http://www.ustranssurvey.org/ We should all take this survey! They led a panel with two other people, but also made sure to get lots of audience participation. We started by mapping out our individual gender journeys over the years, divided by how we felt vs. how we were perceived by the world. We then meandered through how we felt as genderqueer people, navigating the world, by raising our hands and speaking as one big group (with the help of a microphone this time). Feels like we only touched on what could be talked about.
Non-Binary (In)visibility: Empowerment and Self-Determination: – This was facilitated very differently and was more of a self-exploration and small-group sharing workshop. These can sometimes feel intimidating (talking to strangers in small groups), but I felt fine and liked my group. We first wrote down three ways we celebrate and share our non-binary identity in the world, and we also wrote 10 different answers to “Who am I?” We were then prompted to cross out 3 of them, then another 3, then another 3. At this point we got into small groups and talked about how we determined which ones to cross out and which one was left. We also did “2 truths and a lie” based on how we present ourselves or would like to present ourselves if we could. We wrapped up with discussing ways we can sustain support in our own communities after leaving the conference. Some of this felt a little self-indulgent and 101-ish, but the small group discussions really made it worthwhile.
I am the T: an FTM Documentary – This is an ongoing project to film 10 FTM people in 10 different countries. The film crew presented a rough cut of the first segment, Isak from Norway. It was really well done and I can’t wait to see more from this project. After the first film is complete, they have plans to continue with trans-feminine experiences and non-binary experiences from around the world.
Gearing up for the Philly Trans-Health Conference 2015
Posted: June 1, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: conference, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, non-binary, Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference, queer, trans, transgender, traveling 4 CommentsIn two days, my partner and I will be on our way to this annual amazing, informative, free conference. It’ll be my 5th time going, and we’ll be staying with friends in South Philly like we’ve done in the past.
I’m a little fearful that I’m not well enough to make this trip and be engaged with the activities. I am definitely improving from this long depression, but I have to admit it’s been rare that I’ve been getting enjoyment out of anything. I’m worried that the stress of traveling and socializing and being present for workshops and people-watching will be too much. On the other hand, it’s an awesome opportunity, and we’ve gone before, so it’s not like going into something brand new. And I’ll be with my partner; we can check in with each other. There was a day or two where my partner was unsure if she’d be able to go, due to work. She told me to start preparing to go without her – maybe catch a ride with some friends we know are going. I thought about how this would play out in my head and was definitely less sure this was do-able. Fortunately, she got the work stuff squared away. I am super glad because I need her for emotional support right now.
We’re going for a day more than we have in the past, so we’ll have opportunities to go to all three conference days (Thursday through Saturday). We will have time to do other things (not sure what exactly yet) and still get in plenty of conference time.
I’m excited about a few of the workshops. Looking forward to one facilitated by the founder of Transgress Press. And a film about FTM people from 10 different countries. And especially, a couple of workshops about non-binary identities. One called The Future of Gender Queer, and another called Non-Binary (In)visibility. Over all, there seems to be less programming about non-binary topics than last year, and I wonder why this might be. Just how it happened, I guess. I have to admit that while looking at the schedule, I’m not getting that same feeling of excitement and limitless resource potential as I have in the past, but I think that’s more about where I am emotionally. I hope I do get a lot out of it. I hope I can feel present and engaged.
My partner and I are so excited/anxious about the trip that we already picked out some outfits, did some ironing, and packed our bags!
Is anyone else going to the conference? I’d love to say “hi” in person. I’m not the best at facial recognition, but I do hope to recognize some people! I’ll be wearing turquoise shorts (if you want help spotting me). Don’t worry – I have a couple of pairs of turquoise shorts; I won’t be wearing the same clothes every day.
Trans on the Internet Part 2
Posted: May 27, 2015 Filed under: Writing | Tags: anthology, coming out, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, internet, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, technology, trans, transgender, writing 19 CommentsTrans on the Internet Part 1
Posted: May 26, 2015 Filed under: Writing | Tags: gender, gender identity, genderqueer, identity, internet, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, technology, trans, transgender, writing 7 CommentsLast July, I submitted a proposal for an essay to a new and exciting anthology all about the ways transgender identities inform the internet and vice versa. My proposal was accepted, and I submitted my piece for editing in December. I was stoked! Unfortunately though, I just heard word that the editors are not moving forward with the project (due to workloads and paid work vs. passion filled but unpaid work). So I figured I’ll publish it on my blog. Not nearly as exciting, but still something! (I’m breaking it into two parts because it’s pretty long).
I am right on the cusp of Generation X (slackers) and Generation Y (millennials). I’m on the borderlands of a trans identity. I’m on the verge of grasping/rejecting technological innovations. I’m comfortable right where I am, hanging out at the edge of all these precipices. Due to my age , gender identity, and complex feelings about technology, I find myself neither here nor there in terms of what feels best. I continue to mix and match as I go, remaining critical along the way.
I was born in 1981, which means I most definitely did not grow up with cell phones or internet access. Even though they were available in the 80s, we didn’t have cable television, a microwave oven, or a portable telephone either (picture a tan rotary telephone mounted to the wall, with a long, coiled cord). I have always been wary of new technologies as they slowly embed themselves into our collective landscape and my individual lifestyle. The transitions never feel seamless. They always impact me greatly, imprinting upon my memories…
The first time I used a microwave: I was a kid. I was at the grocery store with my dad, and there was a station where you could microwave your own bag of popcorn. Like many people do all of the time, even after 20+ years of practice, we burnt the popcorn, popped open the microwave door, and let the stench waft out, affecting shoppers within a 100ft radius. I felt mortified and ashamed. My dad seemed unfazed, but we didn’t try again.
The first time I used a cell phone: It was 2003, and I was a senior in college. My parents had given me a cell phone during our visit with no further discussion really, other than it was covered under their family plan. I buried it somewhere within my apartment and continued to use my landline (however infrequent that was). My mom later commented to me, “We can never get ahold of you! Why don’t you answer your cell phone?” Honestly, I can’t say. It just felt anxiety inducing. At some point, I must have gotten the hang of it – of being forever accessible – because I now am the proud owner of a Samsung flip-phone and I carry it everywhere. I see the benefits of this, but I’m only partially on board. I rarely text, I keep my phone on vibrate, oftentimes I let a call just go to voice mail, and I call back when I am ready.
The first time I used the Internet: We had a super slow dial-up server called Prodigy. It was 1998. Again, I can’t recall any discussion amongst my family about what the Internet is and what can we do with it – suddenly it just was. I recall going on a message board to talk about music. I talked about REM with a stranger for a while before he abruptly asked me what size bra I wear. I felt a mixture of complex emotions before simply replying, “an A cup, I think. I don’t really know.” He replied, “Oh, that’s alright sweetheart, that’s enough for me to work with.” How did he know my gender? How did this space for nerds and fans devolve so quickly into a space for pervs to jack-off? I didn’t engage; just signed off. I don’t remember going back on the internet much after that until I got to college; my usage was very limited, and remains, in many ways, fairly limited, even today.
The ways I use the internet has definitely progressed and shifted, but I am far from the seamless IRL/virtual world many people appear to inhabit. I do not have a smart phone nor do I plan on ever getting a smart phone. I have “online time” and “offline time,” and I need those two to be separate. You’ll never see me walking down the street, seemingly talking to myself or staring at a screen.
My trans identity has shifted along with the ways I view the Internet, over time. It has blossomed and bloomed, halted and shriveled, sputtered and shuddered and begun to bloom again. In terms of deep soul searching, the Internet has never been my go-to place to glean information. The library was that place. I spent countless hours (hours enough to rival Internet time) in the “HQ” stacks of my college library. Specifically HQ 71-79: “sexual deviations, bisexuality, homosexuality, lesbianism, transvestism, transsexualism, sadism, masochism, fetishism.” For all that time spent searching, I didn’t do a whole lot of actual reading – many of these books were so dense and research-centric. I would often just go there to try to clear my head. Just sit. One particular book does stand out above the rest though: Loren Cameron’s Body Alchemy. Filled with stunning photographs and personal stories, I could find glimpses of myself amongst these pages.
Stay tuned for Part 2, where I flesh out these ideas, fill in some gaps, and really get into my trans-identity a lot more.
What to ask, and what NOT to ask, a trans-person
Posted: May 18, 2015 Filed under: coming out | Tags: blogs, college, coming out, dialogue, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, queer, relationship, relationships, trans, transgender, transition 10 CommentsA reader asked,
What are the do’s and don’t’s when asking a trans*person about their experience?
What are 2-3 questions (or as many as you like) that one should NOT be asking a transgender person?
What are 2-3 questions (or as many as you like) that one SHOULD be asking a transgender person?
This reader happens to be the marketing coordinator of Simmons College, the third US women’s college to accept students who identify as transgender. She was wondering if I’d like to add to the conversation in the form of a blog post. Sure! So, officially:
I am participating in Trans*forming the Dialogue, Simmons College’s online MSW program‘s campaign to promote an educational conversation about the transgender community. By participating in this campaign, I will be offering my perspective on what TO ask and what to NOT ask trans*people.
The first thing to think about: it totally depends on how well you know the person! So, let’s break it down:
If this is someone who is a stranger, and they just introduced themselves to you, saying their name back to them is a great way to start out affirming who they are. Also asking, “What are your preferred pronouns,” is important so that you can address them to other people in the way they want/need. This is a little tricky because we’re specifically talking about visibly trans-people here. You could be meeting many trans-people throughout your life and not even know it!
Then, personally, I would steer the conversation away from trans-related topics, unless they bring it up. Oftentimes, trans-people don’t want to talk about more personal aspects upon meeting someone new. So any other great questions fall into the general getting-to-know-you category. “What brings you here?” Or, “How do you know so-and-so?” Or, “How’s your day been so far?”
If you are talking to an acquaintance and want to get to know them better, instead of asking direct questions about their experience, you could share some of your own – what was your childhood like, what was puberty like? Chances are your new acquaintance has a lot to say about growing up and will feel more comfortable sharing if you share first. Do NOT ask, “do you feel like you are trapped in the wrong body?” This is a trope perpetuated by the media that not all trans-people relate to. It’s kind of a sensationalized way of putting it. It is a sound bite. Asking about their experience is a great way to get a better understanding about how broad and different “trans-narratives” really are.
If you are a friend / ally of a trans-person, there is a lot you can do and ask! You can specifically ask, “What can I do to support you?” It might mean correcting pronouns in the moment in social situations for your trans-friend. (I know I have a hard time with this, and if someone does it for me, it feels affirming.) It might mean exploring gender expressions together – maybe going out and trying on different clothes or trying out makeup together. If you are a trusted friend, more personal questions to help you understand would probably be appropriate. “What does gender dysphoria feel like?” “How would you define your gender?” “Where are you in your coming-out process?” These questions can spark great conversations that let your trans-friend know you are engaged and interested and want to help if possible.
If you are in an intimate relationship with a trans-person, asking a lot of questions is essential! Transition related decisions will affect both of you, emotionally, financially, and energy-wise. It’s important not to press for a timeline or throw in your two cents about what your partner should be doing. You will need to adjust to the natural pace (it is a long process) and understand that there is going to be a lot of uncertainty. “What can I do to support you?” works well, but your partner might not really know in the moment. There will probably be times when gender dysphoria and frustrations are acute – during those times, just being physically present and not asking any questions might be best. In the bedroom, asking what is OK is a must. The way trans-people feel about their bodies and about sex can be wildly in flux and change from day to day. Asking, “Is this OK?” or “what if I did this?” or “What feels good right now?” is going to be better than phrasing things in the negative, such as, “What is off limits right now?” or “Where can I touch you?” These kinds of questions might lead to shut-down mode.
Questions that are never appropriate are, “Have you had any surgeries yet?” “What are you going to do about your beard?” “Do you think you will be able to pass?” Or anything else related to their bodies and their appearance. This is personal and could be triggering. Not all trans-people have the same goals or timeline. Also, some people are non-binary, and their transition goals might look very different.
If you don’t know the trans-person very well yet, and you are not sure what is OK and what is not OK to ask, just use this rule of thumb: Is this something you would ask a cisgender person? Other than the preferred pronouns question (important question you might not ask a cisgender person) this will get you far in a social situation.
Being transgender while in a partial hospitalization program
Posted: May 13, 2015 Filed under: coming out, name change | Tags: coming out, depression, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, hospital, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, trans, transgender 3 CommentsThis post is in tandem with a post from back in February, Being transgender while hospitalized.
For the past two weeks, I was attending a partial hospitalization program every day from 9:30 – 3:15. Our day was broken up into 5 workshops / activities, and we pretty much stayed with the same group and the same social worker / teacher. Every day we had new people arrive and people finish their 10 days and leaving.
The first session was always “process group,” where we talked about our previous evening and if we used any of the skills we were learning about. Right off the bat, while introducing myself, I let everyone know my name is Kameron and I’m transgender and use male pronouns. The social worker replied, saying “thank you for letting us know – sometimes we have people who don’t say anything about it. I really appreciate it.”
They had to use my legal name for paperwork and official stuff, but it seemed like they could use my chosen name for the daily roster, and I asked the social worker about that. She said, “yes let’s change it – I’ll make a note and you can mention it to the administrative assistant.” During break, I went up to talk to her, and surprisingly she said, “No, it has to be your legal name.” The next day, my legal name was on the roster, and next to it, “Kameron.” Like that, with quotation marks. It felt weird but I guess it was a compromise. Other than that though, everyone always called me Kameron.
During a break one day, someone shared their People magazine with me – a recent one with an article about Bruce Jenner. It felt good she wanted to point that out to me, like she was connecting with me. I read the article, which was actually well done. They referred to Bruce with male pronouns, but made it a point to explain that at this time, Bruce and his family are using male pronouns, so People magazine is too. Seemed logical.
When new people joined our group, I continued to say I’m trans and I use male pronouns. On one occasion, I got into it a lot more, saying that I feel somewhere in the middle and don’t plan to live my life as a man. That strangers almost always see me as female, and it’s difficult to navigate in the world. Later on, I got the best feedback ever. A new person came up to me and said that if I’m going for in between genders, I’ve got it down. They could not tell which gender I am, and when I spoke and gave my name, they still couldn’t tell. They had no idea, but if they absolutely had to guess, they would have said “male.” They gave me a thumbs up. That really brightened my day (for a short time because I’m depressed and am having a hard time absorbing the good things.)
One person told me that they worked with a lot of transgender people in the past. They asked me, “Have you had any surgeries.” I quickly and calmly steered them away from this, saying, “I’d rather not talk about that; that’s personal. What I am interested in talking about though is the social stigma and daily struggles.” That then turned into a discussion about stigmas surrounding mental illness, and everything was fine.
Other than that, everyone was respectful and consistent. This was the first time I was trying out the name “Kameron,” and it felt good. No one knew I’m not using that name in my life yet, and it didn’t matter. I’ve since been telling more friends about my name, and when my partner leaves notes for me, she writes, “Kameron.” This is really starting to have some forward momentum. It feels scary right now, but also it feels affirming, so I’m going to keep going.
Do you want to be on TV?
Posted: May 4, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: androgyny, coming out, ftm, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, mtf, non-binary, reality tv, television, trans, transgender, transition 2 CommentsA couple of days ago, I got an email from someone named Rachel, a casting associate with Magilla Entertainment, a New York-based television production company that specializes in non scripted programming. Which I’m guessing is synonymous with reality TV shows?
Here’s a link to their website and current programs: Magilla TV
They are developing a new show that will follow different people changing their lives in various ways, and one episode will focus on multiple trans-people and varying stages in their transition. They will be pairing people up with a mentor or coach to help them through aspects such as coming out, starting to wear clothes they identify with, and contemplating surgery.
Rachel asked me if I’d consider becoming a coach for the show, and although I’m flattered, there’d be NO WAY I would do this! For one thing, I’m an introvert and although I can envision contributing to an anthology or being a part of a magazine story, this is way way way too BIG. Also, the premise is intriguing, but I fear the tone could become exploitative (as is the nature of reality shows, usually).
If you’re not scared off by these types of things though, this might be the right fit for you. Here is the casting call and contact information:
ARE YOU STRUGGLING WITH YOUR GENDER IDENTITY?
Are you struggling with who you are? Do you feel like you were born into the wrong body? Are you living life as the opposite gender you were given at birth? Magilla Entertainment and a major cable network are now casting men and women who identify as the opposite gender and who are considering going through a transition for a new docu-series. If you have been struggling with your gender identity and want the support of a coach or mentor as you transition, we want to hear your story. If you think you are ready to embark on this journey, please contact us ASAP at castingdirector@magilla.tv with your name, age, location, occupation, contact phone number, a recent photo and a few sentences about yourself.
I’m glad for the increase in media representations lately and really hope they aim to showcase a diverse group of trans-people. Demonstrate that not all narratives are the same. (For example, point out that not every trans-person identifies with having been “born into the wrong body.” Another example: a non-binary person!) And, most importantly, to convey these struggles with the deserved respect!
How do I know if a name is right for me?
Posted: April 29, 2015 Filed under: coming out, name change | Tags: androgynous, coming out, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbtq, names, non-binary, preferred names, queer, trans, transgender 27 CommentsThe number one piece of advice I would give someone who isn’t 100% yet about a potential new name: try it out in a controlled setting where you are surrounded by strangers (if possible). If it’s a temporary setting, even better.
I’m the type of person who isn’t going to go with something till I’m really really sure. Other people might be fine with trying a name amongst friends and then switching it at a later date, or trying out a few names with a few people all at the same time. These people can disregard my advice!
Sometimes finding a new name is more of an ordeal. It has been for me at least – I’ve been considering new names for many many years. What could be a fun and creative process might end up feeling like a never-ending search for a perfect fit. About a year ago, I wrote a post on finding a new name. I thought I had it! I was pretty excited about it!
It is here: Ruling With Elf Wisdom
I started using my new name at my new doctor’s office, and then I made no further progress after that. Something was off, but I assumed it was just that it would take some getting used to. Now, a year later, I can easily say it just wasn’t the right name for me. (And/or I just wasn’t ready.) It looked good on paper. It sounded good in my head. However, it sounded strange, for me, in the real world. When a nurse called me back from the waiting room, it just did not feel right. Lots of other blog writers have addressed this too:
A few years ago, Micah wrote about how he had an online presence as “Maddox,” which he thought fit well until he started trying out the name at a conference. It is here: Misnomer
Jamie Ray wrote about their process of over-thinking a name until one just came to them, through a Starbucks barista hearing their legal name wrong. It is here: The Name Game
I started thinking about names again a couple of months ago, once I really started to accept that the name I thought I might go with, “Avery” was not a good fit. I wanted an androgynous name, and I felt like I’d heard them all (and I might have, with all the time I spent searching names online). It wasn’t until I had a conversation (not the first) with my partner (at a Starbucks, coincidentally), that a name I had glossed over many times before suddenly popped out more. “Kameron.” I like it because it’s more of a masculine name than a feminine name. I like it because it’s close to my legal name. I like it because Cameron is the name of the first trans-guy I met in real life (the first trans-guy I knew to be trans anyway).
I just feel more sure this time. It’s not really explainable – it’s just a feeling. So far I’ve told a handful of friends, my mom, my partner’s mom, and the partial hospitalization program I am currently attending.
The PHP is a perfect place to try this out. No one knows me there, and I probably won’t be seeing any of them again after 5-10 days. Plus there are lots of opportunities for people to address me, and everyone else, by name. I started to get called “Kameron” a lot, and it’s been treated like it’s just my name. They don’t know I’m not using it yet; it doesn’t matter! When someone says “Kameron,” it fits.
I don’t yet have a timeline for legally changing my name, but I know that I will. I know the change-over will be hard and it will take a while for everyone to get on board and remember. That’s OK – a lot of good things take a while. Even settling on a name to begin with can take a while. Try not to get discouraged – your name is out there!
janitorqueer 