1.5 years on T without noticeable masculinizing changes
Posted: September 18, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, gender, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, hormones, lgbt, lgbtqia, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender 4 CommentsIt’s been a year and a half! I increased my dosage of Androgel, slightly, about 3 months ago (from 1 pump of 1% daily to 1 pump of 1.62% daily), and still, I’m not seeing physical changes (which is still a big part of my goals). I have still not yet missed a day – applying the gel feels of utmost importance to me, as a part of my daily routine.
Nothing can be new forever, unfortunately. Naturally, I no longer have that same emotional reaction to applying the gel (anticipation, excitement). And I haven’t been thinking about it in the same ways as I did every single day for that first year (how totally fucking awesome it is). Still it feels very much essential. It’s not nearly as constant, but I do still reflect on how different things are for me now.
– I am grateful that I consistently feel like eating at regular intervals now.
– I’m grateful that I no longer feel quite as debilitated by anxiety-induced adrenaline surges
– I’m grateful that physical sensations make more sense. Pain actually feels painful. I don’t recoil from affectionate touches. When I take a deep breath, I feel a sense of calm and a connection to my body. Etc. forever.
– I’m grateful that sex finally makes sense, and that I get to be a part of it (usually. At least it’s much improved.)
– I’m grateful that although I’m still moody and seem to feel emotions relatively strongly, it’s become more manageable, and rarely manifests in self-destructive ways anymore.
– I’m grateful that I don’t feel so cold all the time!
– I’m grateful that things just feel easier, across the board.
I am genderqueer (in case you didn’t already know!) and am continuing to carve out a space in between genders. Or, to mix and match genders as I see fit. I feel like I’ve made a ton of progress in terms of finding that place where I feel like myself, in my own skin. Yet, not nearly enough progress in terms of seeing that identity reflected back to me from the world around me. This just means I have a long ways to go (And society has a much longer way to go. C’mon society, get with it!) until I really feel comfortable with the ways I’m seen by others. Luckily, that part is not nearly as important as the part about how I see myself. 🙂
Initially, I feel like I was being hyper vigilant about not crossing over into any masculinizing territory, especially with my voice dropping. As time has gone on, I’m not quite so concerned with this (although I’m not actually trying for it either.) I do wonder if my attitudes will change more, in this vein, and I’ll start to want to increase my dose even more and cross into that territory. Only time will tell. As of now, I’m feeling comfortable with where I am.
Here’s where I’ve been (there are lots of details about the subtle physical changes in these past posts):
Five months
Eight months
Eleven months
One year
A video at the one year mark
One point two-five years
And finally, a couple of pictures of my face:
1.5 years on testosterone
1.25 years on testosterone
one year on testosterone
Happy pride weekend
Posted: July 19, 2014 Filed under: coming out | Tags: androgyny, balloons, celebration, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, parade, pride, pride parade, queer 4 CommentsI know that pride month is long over, and it would appear I’m quite a bit behind, but this actually is when Pride happens in our city. I’d been having a glum summer so far, and this day really helped lift my spirits. My partner and I marched in the parade with the local gay alliance (the one I’ve been doing office volunteer work with, since January).
I woke up early to help create 8 balloon “backpacks” to be worn at the parade. I didn’t end up claiming one to wear, so my partner and I decided to create our own balloon backpacks, you know, so we would fit in better.
As we marched, I seriously could feet the pride sinking in, for real. The parade followed a new route this year, and it was a definite improvement. Lots of people cheering, protesters much less prominent (for whatever reason.) My partner and I held hands for a while! I said hi to and hugged other people I knew from the alliance. It feels super great to know I’m starting to become more connected to this community, a little bit.
helping someone put on their balloon “backpack” while wearing my own!
We went to a burrito place after the parade.
This was not my first time marching in the parade, not by a long shot. But it was my first time marching with a group, legit. For about 7 years straight, I would merge in with the parade to do my own thing, sometimes with my partner and friends, sometimes just with my drag buddy. In my own way, I was protesting the fact that groups have to pay for a spot. I strongly felt that, even though I didn’t belong to a group, I belonged in the parade. It was always kinda chaotic. Frenzied, manic energy (sort of forced, sometimes).
We walked with boomboxes playing our fave song (not the club hits.) We rode our bikes. We handed out flyers for radical queer reading groups, for performance nights, for the anarchist community space. We gave away candy and hugs. We hoola-hooped, danced, ALWAYS created huge gaps between ourselves and those in front of us (accidentally) because we were interacting with the crowds so much which caused us to delay walking forward, haha. At some point, it started to feel exhausting, but I kept thinking I had to keep doing it – it was a tradition. Last year, I let myself off the hook, didn’t even attend. This year, we’re figuring out different ways to do it. It felt pretty great.
I read some reflections on Pride this past month – that it’s corporate, that it’s not inclusive, that it’s not worthwhile or necessary any longer. If, by chance you do feel this way, next year, consider making Pride your own by merging into the thick of it, or streaking through the middle of it, and giving voice to whatever it is you feel you want to say. Be the people you feel you’re not seeing!
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Why I use the women’s bathroom
Posted: July 6, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: androgyny, bathrooms, gender identity, gender neutral bathrooms, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, queer, restrooms, safety, trans, transgender 5 CommentsThis post is part 2 in a series about some issues that are on the minds of a lot of non-binary people. Part 1 was about why I prefer male pronouns. Today I’m talking about bathrooms. Part 3 will be about legal designations / filling out forms.
I am someone who is inhabiting a space in this world, in between genders. There is a growing language, subculture of sorts, and political agendas surrounding this experience. In theory, I am on board with all I’ve seen (and let me clarify that what I’ve seen is almost entirely online at this time, and not reflected in the world I actually live in). But in actuality, not every part of it appeals to me personally. Which is OK – I can still support it while simultaneously getting the word out that not all non-binary people have the same needs, preferences, and agendas.
In general, I use the women’s restroom. The reason for this is: because it is where I would rather go, despite the fact that I see myself in more masculine terms, overall. No need for a further explanation – no need to try to align different areas of my life into one gendered idea of myself (even if that one gendered idea is “gender neutral,”) if I don’t feel like it.
If there is a single stall / gender neutral one available, I would prefer to use that bathroom. But usually there is not, and it is not something that I am personally concerned about. I feel comfortable enough in the women’s restroom. I don’t have any anxiety about it. I don’t second guess it. I’ve rarely been confronted (I keep my head down, avert my eyes, I don’t linger, etc. I am aware I don’t completely belong, so I wanna be as inconspicuous as possible, and so far so good.)
(I wrote an earlier post about my experience with bathrooms, here, at Bathroom anxieties: a genderqueer janitor’s perspective.)
However, many non-binary and transitioning people do not feel safe and/or comfortable in either the women’s or the men’s restroom. Indeed, they are often made to feel unsafe and uncomfortable. There has been a push for more gender neutral bathrooms in public places, over the past few years, particularly at schools and on campuses. Why schools and campuses? I’m not sure exactly, but I can make an educated guess. People in their teens and early twenties are at these places en masse. People in their teens and early twenties tend to be going through changes – they may be focusing on their identities (including gender identities) more so than the general population, so it makes sense they would want to change the spaces where they spend the most time, in order to feel more safe and comfortable.
I hope this movement spreads beyond schools, to include government buildings, corporate chains, every place, really. I think that it will, or, at least, I think this agenda will gain more traction than the push for gender neutral pronouns, which is, comparatively speaking, somewhat nebulous. changes in language are more about changing people’s perceptions and notions on a large scale (potentially very difficult). Bathrooms are about physical spaces, with a direct request that involves a straightforward solution.
New buildings can go up with this floor plan in mind, without much more money or labor. Existing buildings can be remodeled and reorganized. (Something that happens frequently anyway.) Often it’s just a matter of relabeling existing layouts (at no additional cost). For example, if a restaurant has a single stall restroom for men, and a single stall restroom for women, how much work would it take to get that restaurant to just change them both to gender neutral bathrooms? Hopefully within the near future, not much convincing work at all!
Until this is happening anywhere and everywhere (I hope I see the day!!!!), here is an amazing website resource: Refugee Restrooms.
All you have to do is type in your city or location, and it is a database that lists where there are single stall handicap accessible and/or gender neutral restrooms in that area. The database is only as big as everyone makes it, so if you know of bathrooms in your area, go ahead and type in the locations now! I started adding some for my city; let’s spread the word!
Unrest Under the Umbrella
Posted: June 24, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: community, conflict, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, queer, relationships, trans, transgender Leave a commentThank you, rimonim, for your reply!
My buddy janitorqueer posed an interesting question to me a couple of weeks ago:
Have you ever come across someone within your own community who you strongly strongly disagreed with? If so, what action or non-action did you take?
I certainly have! This can take a wide variety of forms. As a Jew, I sometimes have strong disagreements with my fellow members of the tribe about Israel/Palestine, among other things. As a trans man, I sometimes have strong disagreements with others under the LGBT and/or trans umbrella. For example, I take issue with all forms of “trans enough,” “subversive enough” and “feminist enough” tests of individuals’ gender identities or expressions.
My responses have varied from situation to situation. The better I know the person, the more likely I am to broach the disagreement. With a solid rapport, even extremely challenging topics can be handled gracefully.
When I don’t know a…
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1.25 years on T without noticeable masculinizing changes
Posted: June 18, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone, Uncategorized | Tags: androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtq, mental health, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender, transition 14 CommentsI’ve been previously writing this ongoing series as “__ months/years on T without physical changes,” but I decided to change the wording from “physical changes” to “noticeable masculinizing changes” …a little more accurate. There have been some physical changes. But, ultimately, they have not added up to a more masculine gender presentation, which has been what I’m aiming for.
A quick rundown of the physical changes I have seen:
(All of these occurred within the first 2 months and then plateaued out, except the ones that have an asterisk – they started to become noticeable around the one year mark.)
- muscle growth, mostly in shoulders, chest, and abs
- moderate clitoral growth
- smell stinkier, need to shower more, get sweaty and sticky, get grosser quicker
- more peach fuzz on face, mustache teeniest-tiniest bit darker
- hairier butt crack*
- slightly more hair on thighs, where I apply the gel*
All these changes are so slight. I don’t think I look any different. Also, my voice sounds the same to me. I would say my range has shifted oh-so subtly (like when trying to sing or make high pitched or low pitched noises, which I like to do a lot), but my speaking voice is the same.
Here are a couple of pictures:
1.25 years on testosterone
one year on testosterone
before testosterone
Also, please note my new summer fashion, in the first photo. I cut the sleeves off of a couple of western-style shirts, to wear over t-shirts or tank tops. The placement of the pockets & snaps helps hide what’s going on with the fact that I have a chest. In the winter, I just layer, and it’s awesome. In the summer, it is hot! Right?! If I can get away without wearing a binder, I will. (And I am grateful every single day for that.) This layered look just might do the trick. I do imagine that I will get top surgery one day. I always start thinking about it much more in the summer. What an incredible feeling it would be to just wear a tank top and be done with it!
I have not missed a day yet, applying 1.25 grams of Androgel 1% per day. The internal effects make it more than worthwhile. A quick rundown of those:
- lower levels of anxiety
- higher sex drive
- less instances of dissociating / more present in my body
- increased ability to experience bodily sensations
- more awareness of the world around me
- increased sensitivity to pain
- ability to let things just roll off my shoulders
- a lot of these are rewording similar themes: basically, a greater sense of well being!
If you wanna look back at where I’ve been, here are some past posts about this topic:
- Five months on T without physical changes
- Eight months on T without physical changes
- Eleven months on T without physical changes
- One year on T without physical changes
And also, a video about it, at the one year mark.
Tattoos and shock jock radio
Posted: May 25, 2014 Filed under: coming out | Tags: coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, lgbtqia, non-binary, queer, radio djs, shock jock, tattoos, trans, transgender, transphobia, work 2 CommentsThis past week, I had two opportunities to come out to someone at work, and I ended up not taking either. And… I feel OK about it. I haven’t been beating myself up about the lost chance; I know more will come along. I’m not putting pressure on myself for taking the easy way out – I’ve stopped looking at these types of situations in those terms. What’s important is that these opportunities felt within my grasp, and that’s a new thing! Now that I’ve felt that, I’ll imagine opportunities will start popping up left and right. Because once it feels like that door is open, conversations that did not previously feel like opportunities, suddenly do. And, I will get there.
Both of these conversations occurred one-on-one, with the head of the kitchen (someone I don’t work with, but have a somewhat comfortable rapport with). I don’t see her on a regular basis, but when I fill in for my supervisor during the day-time hours, we have plenty of time to sit and chat.
1. She was describing a tattoo she was planning on getting. She showed me a picture on her iPhone of the tattoo she wants. We discussed tattoos at length. I told her all about my partner’s tattoos, and about how her brother is a tattoo artist. Finally, I told her I have a tattoo. She didn’t act surprised or ask to see it (she knows I scare easily, haha.) At a later time, she again brought up her plans to get a tattoo. I took that opportunity to show her mine, which is located below my right clavicle. She was nonchalant and didn’t ask what it is or what it means. And I didn’t tell her, but it felt like I could have, which is new.
What it is: It’s the trans* symbol, except it’s disassembled and rearranged (I came up with the idea long before I got the tattoo). I guess it just means that I’ve felt simultaneously connected and disconnected from identifying as transgender, for a very long time. I feel that the term is accurate in describing me, but it also feels splintered, fractured / I feel disengaged. If she had asked, I wouldn’t have said this exactly; I’m not sure what I would have told her!
2. On Wednesday, this town’s worst shock jock radio hosts Kimberly and Beck were suspended indefinitely from their radio station, after making hateful comments against the transgender community. There was such an outpouring as a result, that they were fired by Entercom Radio on Thursday morning. I have my head in such a hole, that I didn’t know anything about it. The head of the kitchen mentioned it to me around lunch-time on Thursday. She showed me the article on her iPhone. (I was super elated by this news. I have strongly disliked Kimberly and Beck for years. I looked it up, and they’ve been on the air, every morning, for 13 years!!!)
We discussed how they crossed a line, and how you just don’t say shit like that. I was so close to telling her that I know a lot of transgender people, and that I am transgender. In my head, I got hung up on the part where I tell her how I identify, specifically, I guess because it’s not that straightforward / I want to be taken seriously when I do tell people. So I just let the moment pass, but, again, the potential of it felt new and interesting. Like I could see the conversation starting to formulate, and that’s exciting.
Work is like the final frontier, in my head. If I could come out at work, it would be an incredible accomplishment. And this is how I would do it – start with one person, start with one-on-one conversations, and see what happens. Even though I didn’t get there this week, I will. And more importantly, IGNORANT SHOCK JOCK DJS TALKING SHIT GOT FIRED FOR THEIR SHIT!!! And the radio station seemed to do the right thing every step of the way. They even had two local trans* activists on air to discuss some issues. This is incredible!!!
Convincing doctors that hormones are not that complicated
Posted: May 13, 2014 Filed under: Testosterone | Tags: androgyny, coming out, doctors, gender identity, genderqueer, hormone replacement therapy, lgbt, lgbtq, medical treatment, non-binary, queer, testosterone, trans, transgender 14 CommentsI just got back from my first appointment with a new doctor at a women’s health group (unintentional!) This has been an ongoing saga, and although it’s not a perfect fit, it’s good enough, at least for now. Looking for more backstory?
Back in January, I decided I was fed up with my doctor, and that I could do better.
By the end of February, I’d found a promising candidate, only to realize she’s part of a women’s health group.
My last appointment with my doctor, at the end of March, was an absurdist performance piece.
It has been challenging to find appropriate health care where I live, but I’ve plowed ahead anyway because: 1)I know what I am trying to get, and 2)I don’t see any reason why I should not get it. This new doctor has no expertise in trans* identities, and I knew that going in. But I did find her through the local gay alliance’s resource page, so that was a start. When I told her that this is how I came to be here, she replied, “Well… yes, I am LGBT friendly, but I don’t know how I got on that list.” What does that mean???
When I told her the reason I’m here is to get more Androgel, she replied that she does not feel qualified to prescribe hormones. That was the start of the discussion, but by the end, she was giving me a prescription for exactly what I said I’ve been on for over a year already, and she was changing her tune to, “I suppose I could for the time being, but the long-term health risks are too great, and it’s not my area of expertise.”
I told her I’ve been going to the one trans* specific doctor in the area who treats adults (that I know about), and I want to switch because I do not like him. She used her laptop to confirm she knew of no local doctors, aside from the clinic that treats adolescents and young adults. She suggested I could use her as my PCP and still go to my other doctor for the hormones. I told her I was not going to do this. She then suggested she might be able to get me in at the adolescent clinic for a one-time visit, so that she can then be advised by them about my care. I told her that would be amazing. She will be following up with me on this, and I would be happy to go.
I told her how I perceive my gender identity, why I’m taking testosterone, and that it does not involve much health risk for me personally. She said, even so, she did not know enough about it. I asked her, “What if a woman wanted to take testosterone to address issues with a low sex-drive?” (Women do this.) She said that she would not use testosterone as a treatment. It’s not been proven to be effective. She continued on to say that she does have some male patients (husbands, sons, etc. of patients, who want to come here), and some have low testosterone levels, and she’s not the one to prescribe them testosterone. I found this difficult to believe.
I showed her a copy of my latest blood tests, and this is when the tables started to turn. I saw her open up. I illustrated what I knew by telling her what “normal” female and male ranges were, and where I fall within that. I told her that risks such as increased blood pressure, red-blood cell count, cholesterol, etc., are real concerns that can be monitored through blood work, but I believe I counteract those risks anyway with my lifestyle (vegetarian diet, active profession, don’t smoke, drink only moderately.)
I told her, bluntly, “It’s not that complicated.”
And, in the end, she seemed OK with it. She was asking me what diagnosis I would like her to put for insurance purposes. I told her that Gender Identity Disorder is in the DSM – “I don’t like it, but it’s there.” She responded with, “What about ‘hormone treatment for transgender patients?’ Well, you don’t identify as transgender…” I told her that I do, that “transgender” is an umbrella term, and that diagnosis works OK.
I went by this new name I’m trying out, at the doctor’s office. I figured this is a compartmentalized atmosphere, and a good place to see what it feels like. I gotta say, it didn’t feel great. I’m not sure what that’s about yet. If that means this just isn’t the name for me, or if I’d actually feel this way about any new name, because any and all would feel foreign at first. I’m sure my gut will tell me. And time. Time will tell me. I also told her I’d like to go by male pronouns. She said, “We can do our best with this. You’ll probably have to remind us, but we’ll try.” Her body language while she said this conveyed, “I don’t get it. I’m not really going to try, but feel free to try to get us to try.”
And this is where things are.
I am not “your,”or anyone else’s, janitor
Posted: May 12, 2014 Filed under: Janitorial work, Uncategorized | Tags: class issues, gay, gay male, janitors, lgbt, lgbtq, manual labor, power, power dynamics, queer, relationship, relationships, work, working class Leave a commentDear (anonymous) Sir,
A few days ago, you asked the internet through a google search, “does my janitor who is a male like me and im a male (gay)?” And the internet took you to my blog, in the hopes it would help you find your answer. (Yes, the internet does have its own hopes and dreams!) I highly doubt you found what you were looking for, so I decided to fill in the blanks, in case you try again in the future. I will be taking some liberties and making some assumptions, in order to create a concise response. If I am off base, please, call me out!
I’m sorry to let you know, the internet cannot answer questions that are this specific to your personal experience. You can glean a whole lot of information that might help you put words to your feelings, which is super helpful. But the internet does not know your situation, does not know your janitor, and does not know anything beyond whatever it is that people write on it. Is there a chance that your janitor wrote about you on the internet? Yes, maybe. But you will not be coming upon that writing by asking in that way.
In order to learn more about this, you would have to interact in real life. Also, you may want to ask yourself instead, “Do I like my janitor, like, do I like like him? And if so, do I want to do something about it, despite potential consequences?” You might want to weigh the pros and cons. You might want to feel out the situation in more nuanced ways before jumping to conclusions or potentially propositioning him directly. You could ask for advice from people you trust and are close to. Hell, you could even anonymously ask for advice in myriads of places online (again, I’d suggest focusing on your own feelings and not your janitor’s)! But you will not come upon much success by googling it.
Equally important though, please disregard everywhere in the above paragraphs where I indulged the idea of “your” janitor. He is not your janitor. You do not own him. You may not know this, but he doesn’t actually even work for you! I am going to assume you are not his direct supervisor, and are instead someone who works in a building (as a lawyer, businessman, teacher, or some other profession where you work in a space.) And he cleans your space. You, in a way, do own that space. It is sort of “your” desk, “your” trash can, “your” chalk board, etc. That is fine. But, again, he is not “your” janitor.
Let’s go out on a limb and imagine you are his supervisor. In this case, and only this case, it could maybe be appropriate to call him your janitor. My supervisor does this – she will refer to us (the people who do work for her) as “my guys.” This has the potential of fostering a sense of camaraderie, like we are a team, and she is our leader. This could be OK. But to singularly be someone’s something, even in this context, would be strange. If you are his supervisor, I’d suggest cutting out the “my janitor.”
I’m just going to say this directly, as a janitor who cleans classrooms. I am no one’s janitor. I am employed by a school district. My salary is worked out through the annual budget, which comes from taxpayers. I am in a union; I pay a union due, and they do work on my behalf. I clean classrooms that are, spaces owned (in a way) by teachers and utilized by students. I do not work for teachers. If teachers have a problem with my work, they could go to the principal and/or my direct supervisor. The reason she is “my” supervisor is because, ideally, she has our collective best interests in mind. And because she is above me, on the power scale, and it is therefore obviously not actually owned by me. It is more appropriate. “My boss.” “My professor.” “My doctor.” “My therapist.” These are common and straightforward. “My busboy.” “My waitress.” “My maid.” “My landscaper.” This is a different story; this is slippery. Watch your step.
Sincerely,
Not Your Janitor
Ruling with elf wisdom
Posted: May 6, 2014 Filed under: coming out, name change | Tags: androgyny, coming out, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, media, names, non-binary, pen names, queer, trans, transgender 20 CommentsThe term, “ruling with elf wisdom” is linked to the names, “Aubrey” (f) and “Avery” (m/f). They are of English origin. In the case of Avery, the meaning is derived from the Old English words aelf, meaning elf, and raed, meaning counsel. What does this mean exactly? Elves have made appearances throughout time in different cultures’ storytelling and mythology, most notably Germanic and Norse mythology (which may be the basis for today’s understanding of elves as helpers to Santa Claus, of the North Pole.) Not to mention Tolkein’s imaginings. According to Wikia, a website for fandom,
“The elves were originally imagined as a race of minor nature and fertility gods, who are often pictured as youthful-seeming men and women of great beauty, living in forests and underground places, like caves, or in wells and springs. They have been portrayed to be long-lived or immortal and as beings of magical powers. In Norse paganism, Light elves were beautiful creatures and were considered to be ‘guardian angels.’ Light elves were minor gods of nature and fertility; they could help or hinder, humans with their knowledge of magical powers. They also often delivered an inspiration to art or music.”
In contrast,
“The Dark Elves hated the sun and it’s sunlight, because if they were touched or exposed to it they would immediately turn into stone. They use to annoy and threaten humans, to the point that nightmares were thought to be produced by the Dark Elves.These elves could also haunt animals, especially horses. They are also known as dwarfs. “
Elves are known to be playful, mischievous, and flighty, yet loyal and duty-bound. So, to rule with this wisdom can only be a good thing! To “rule with dwarf wisdom,” if there were such a thing, might be something else entirely.
__________________________________________
I have not heard any follow-ups from the Washington Post reporter in over a week, so I’m assuming she went with someone else. I’m kinda bummed – it felt like it would have been a good personal challenge. Maybe I’ll have more opportunities to talk with more people in the future… I’ll share the link to the story as soon as I come across it.
Having the chance to talk with her via phone and then to think about the potential of her coming here to hang out with me as I live my life definitely made some specific types of thoughts more pronounced, for many many days in a row. Mainly, what do I want to share with others, and what feels too vulnerable? Hypothetically, to what extent would I choose to be anonymous? These questions have been on my mind quite a bit for a while, but suddenly it felt like I might need to make some definitive choices. And even though the pressure’s off on those decisions, I’m still pressing myself about it, at least some of it. I finally decided to settle on a new name.
The name situation has been a thing I haven’t directly addressed but have thought about for roughly 10+ years (like a lot of particulars about my gender identity). I do not like to go by my legal name, or the name I used growing up. Somewhere in my mid-twenties, I skewed it slightly, and that started to stick – almost everyone knows me by this slightly masculinized version of a pretty feminine name. But ultimately, it’s not what I want. I’ve toyed with the idea (off-and-on) of going by a male name. The biggest contenders were Adam (this is my drag persona) and Konrad (just because I like it).
But, I have to admit that ultimately, it would be too hard for me to request a name like that if I’m not ever going to be appearing definitively male. I wish it were no big thing. And to many people, I imagine it wouldn’t be, and they’d easily make the switch. Just… it would be too awkward for me. I already know.
Ideally, I’ve wanted to go by a name that is right in the middle of androgyny. I mean, a lot of names can be male or female names, but usually, they’re much more commonly used for one over the other.
I talked to my partner about a potential new name about a week ago. This is a conversation we’ve had at other points in time, for sure. But it was always more whimsical – sort of like, what if?… This time it was more like, OK, I really need to pick now. I have this piece of writing I want to submit to our local LGBT literary magazine, and it’s due in 3 days, and I need a pen name!
That ended up being pretty tense; note to self – don’t try to rush these kinds of decisions. Haha. But we got through it; she helped me come to a name that I’m going to start using ASAP as a pen name. Avery. And if I still like it, I’ll start using it more and more online, and then if I’m still liking it, the big switch to real life (which I envision will involve legally changing it as well.) But all that feels pretty scary, so for now, it’s just a pen name.
“Avery” definitely seems androgynous to me – maybe skewed more to masculine, but feels like either, for sure. I looked up the origin / what it means, and that pretty much sealed the deal. A few websites confirmed, “the name literally means, ‘ruling with elf wisdom.'”
Not sure if I could find a better fit!!!
I am a known elf.
I rule all.
If you picked out your name, how did you come to it / narrow it down???
more evidence
never not an elf.
Recent instances of passing
Posted: April 29, 2014 Filed under: Passing | Tags: androgyny, gender identity, genderqueer, lgbt, lgbtq, non-binary, passing, queer, trans, transgender 15 CommentsSome trans* people strongly dislike the notion of “passing,” because it implies a deception is taking place. They’re not passing as male/female, they just are male/female, whether others see them as such or not. I definitely respect and appreciate this viewpoint; for me personally though, I embrace “passing.” I relish the times I pass as male because although I don’t feel myself to be male, exactly, it feels awesome and validating when that’s what others see. If this were to happen 100% of the time or even 18% of the time, it’d start to feel disorienting, alarming even. But when it happens on occasion, it’s one of my favorite things ever!
It happened three times in the past two weeks. And, it was not only thrilling, but totally unexpected and unprecedented. Because in the past, I’ve passed at a distance, or with kids, or maybe with people who are much much older than me, or I pass until I start speaking, etc. But two out of three of these recent occasions, I was fully interacting with someone roughly my age (meaning: making eye contact, conversing, spending more than a couple seconds in their presence). I’m not sure if this has ever happened to me before, or if it has, it’s been a long time.
Makes me think that testosterone is doing something very subtly, above and beyond appearance. Like an aura or an energy or something that can be sensed by others. Because I look the same as I always have; I sound the same. The only thing I can think is that my shoulders might be slightly more filled out now; I might have a little bit of a different stance because of that. Ultimately, if it’s an either/or, in my opinion, I think I look female, and I love it when people think otherwise!
At Work: It was spring break, so the building was almost empty except for my co-workers and me. We were eating lunch, and my co-worker saw through the window that UPS had just pulled up, so I went down to receive and sign for the packages (usually administrative assistants would do that.) I let him into the office, talked to him about how everyone’s on vacation, small talk like that, etc. I signed his form, and he said, “Thank you, sir!.” I said, “You’re welcome.” And walked away, beaming.
At The Mall: My partner and I never go to the mall. Seriously. We have been together for 7 years and have been to a mall together once before, in that time. (Oh wait, no, twice. We went mini-golfing in a mall for a friend’s birthday.) In addition, I have been to a mall one time by myself in that time. We really had to go to the Apple store though because she finally upgraded to a smart phone, and then proceeded to smash the screen by dropping it on a concrete floor. Her protective case was on its way, in the mail! So we were just going to go there and see if they could do anything for her – a long shot, but might as well try… They could not do a single thing for her but they were very nice about it, as if they were her good buddy and just could not let her down, haha. We then walked out of the Apple Store and were directly confronted by a kiosk selling phone cases and a sign saying, “We fix phones here.” She asked, “how much?” It was reasonable and was only going to take 20 minutes. Seemed like a good option, so we watched the guy work his magic with teeny tiny screwdrivers with magnetic tips. He talked to us about how he’s only 22 years old and he already owns 10 of these kiosks. He’d just gotten back from Miami Beach for a entrepreneur conference, and he was on his way to Seattle. We chatted with him about phones, what there is to do for fun here, etc. I left to go find a bathroom and come right back. Then I left to sample teas at Teavana and come right back. Then I wandered away into a clothing store. My partner got her screen replaced(!!!) and when she came to get me, she told me that while I was gone, the kiosk guy asked her if I was her boyfriend! She told him “Yes.”
At the Public Market: I was looking at mushrooms when a little girl (3 years old?) turned and almost hugged my leg, thinking I was her mother. When she realized I wasn’t she startled, and then asked, “Is you a goioiol?” “What?” “Is you a goioiol?” I squatted down to her height and clarified her question, “Am I a boy or girl?” “Yeah.” “I’m a little bit of both.” She seemed to accept this.
Other recent instances in which I passed:
– Effeminate pirate orders fruity drink on party boat
– Passing as a teenager yet again
– Thirty-one year old kid working as school janitor
janitorqueer 